Blog of Note!
Thanks for visiting and check out the "YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THESE STORIES" over there on the right.
We have a winner!
Bag o' Money: Part Two
Person who guesses the correct amount wins it!
Good luck.
(If no one gets it by next Thursday, I'll post a new clue.)
HoleyBoard Rules (Columbus Version 1.5)
HOLEYBOARD RULES
(Columbus Version 1.5)
HoleyBoard is a game of skill and luck and will test your debating abilities when arguments about the rules inevitability flare up. I hope that the number of incidents will be lowered by writing these rules down. Rules vary by region and you need to ensure all parties are playing by the same rules before the game begins.
Object of the Game
Two persons or two, two person teams can play HoleyBoard at one time. The object of HoleyBoard is to score exactly 21 points before your opponent does.
Set-up
The HoleyBoards should be measured approximately eight feet apart or two board lengths. Competitors throw from the same side and alternate sides between rounds. During a doubles match, teammates spilt up to either side and do not switch sides between rounds. Standing on top of one HoleyBoard, each competitor has three washers that he/she pitches, one at a time, into the holes of the other HoleyBoard. The first Player up throws all three of their washers before the second Player throws their washers. The Player or Team that scores last or causes a washer to go in, goes first the next round.
Example: Player A throws first and lands a washer on the board that does not go in. Player B throws second. During her turn, Player B knocks Player A’s washer in, Player A receives the points, but Player B has to throw first the next round.
Scoring Points
Points are scored when a washer goes in and stays in a hole. Each hole has a point value: the first hole closest to the person pitching the washers is worth 1 point, the second/middle hole is worth 3, and the third hole is worth 5 points. Players score points when they throw their washer in, hits their own washer already on the board in, or when an opponent knocks one of their washers in.
Example: Player A pitches all three washers and all three land on the board without going in. Player B pitches his washers and knocks in one of Player A’s washers into the 3 hole. Player A scores 3 points.
Competitors can cancel each other out, but only during the same turn and in the same hole.
Example: If Player A pitches a 5, then Player B can cancel those points by also pitching a 5. A 5 cannot be cancelled by throwing a 3 and two 1’s. If Player B would hit a 3 and two 1’s, then the score would be 5 – 5.
Players can score points on top of a canceling throw.
Example: Player A throws two 5s. Player B throws three 5s. Player A would score 0 points. Player B would score 5 points.
Winning the Game
A Player must score exactly 21 points to win and they must win on their own third throw by either getting exactly 21 with the third throw or by Sticking the Victory with the third washer. A Player can only win with their own third throw. An opponent cannot knock an opposing Player’s washer in for a win.
When a Player has successfully scored exactly 21 points and still has one or two washer left, they must, if necessary, throw off the second washer and the last washer he/she pitches has to stick and stay on top of the board without falling off or landing in a hole (this is otherwise known as STICKING THE VICTORY or Sticking the Vic). If the Player is unsuccessful in their attempt, then they go back to the score they had at the beginning of the round.
A competitor can win without sticking the Vic if he/she reaches 21 on the last throw or causes another of their own washers to fall in giving the thrower exactly 21.
Example: Player B goes second and has 18 points On the second throw he/she leaves the washer very close to the 3 point hole. With the third throw, the third washer knocks the second washer in the 3 point hole and then the third washer goes flying off the board. Player B has 21 and wins the game because the third washer caused the win.
A competitor cannot win if an opponent causes them to have exactly 21 points. A player who is given 21 points (either by knocking points in or by being cancelled backwards to 21 points) will have their score returned to what it was at the beginning of the round.
Example: Player A goes first with 18 points. Player A lands his first washer near the 3 point hole and misses his/her last two throws. Player B knocks Player A’s washer in the 3 point hole. Player A does not get the three points and would go back to 18 points.
Voiding a Win
A player can void an opponent’s win in one of thee ways: canceling points, knocking in opponent’s washers causing them to go over or by knocking their Stick the Vic off the board.
Skunking your Opponent for the Win
11- 0 is a skunk. The Player must win the normal way by scoring exactly 11 on the third throw or by Sticking the Vic.
Example: Player A has 11 and sticks last washer. Player B misses all three throws and Player A wins the game.
Example: Player A has 11 but does not stick the last washer; he/she still has 11 and must play to 21.
Example: If Player A does not stick last washer but Player B cancels the 1, then Player A has 10 and still has a chance to skunk.
A skunk is over as soon as the opponent scores any points by the end of the round.
Example: Player A throws a five and two threes during the first round for a possible skunk. Player B throws a one and avoids the skunk. The score is now 11-1.
Can There Be a Tie?
There are no ties. A Player must cancel the opponent’s win first before attempting their own win. If Player A scores 21 on third throw or Sticks the Vic, Player B must terminate the win by canceling Players A’s points or by knocking off the Stick the Vic washer before attempting to go for their own win.
Example: Player A has 18 points; he throws in three ones for the possible win. Player B has 15 points and throws a 1; canceling A’s victory and follows it up with two 3’s for the win.
Going Over Twenty-One
The goal of HoleyBoard is to score EXACTLY 21. Inevitably, someone will score more than 21 points. If a Player does go over 21, their score is determined by taking the total number of points scored that round and subtracting that from their score at the beginning of the round.
Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1 for a total of 7 points. Player A’s score starting score (15) would be reduced by the total points scored that round (7) giving them their new score (15-7=8.)
If Player B were to then cancel out any of Player A’s points and reduce the score of Player A below 21 then Player A receives the new, under 21 score. If Player B cancels out points and leaves Player A with exactly 21, then Player A’s score will return to the points they had at the beginning of the round. (Note: the opponent cannot win for you. You must go out on the third throw or Stick the Vic on your own turn to win.)
Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1. Player B throws a 3 and cancels Player A’s 3. Player A’s score would be 19 (15 + 4 =19.)
Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1. Player B throws a 1 and cancels Player A’s 1. Player A would go back to his original score from that round (15), as if he had attempted to win and missed.
If a Player goes over with the first washer, each throw after that continues to push their score backwards. In other words, once a Player goes over 21 they cannot score positive points on that same turn.
Example: Player A has 20 and hits a 5, he/she will drop to 15. He/she continues to throw on that same turn and hits another 5, knocking them back five more points to 10.
OTHER RULES
A player cannot go below 0 points.
Washers must be thrown one at a time. You may not throw two or three washers at the same time.
Remember: There is no score until all washers are thrown. Once all washers are thrown by both players, the score for that round can be tallied.
No overhand throws.
Players can stand anywhere on the board in any stance, but can not leave board surface (i.e. jumping towards other board.)
Any throw that hits the floor outside of the board first and bounces on the board does not count and should be removed from the hole or playing surface. Any action caused by an outside bounced washer should be reset to its original position.
Any throw that goes in a hole and bounces out does not count for points, but any action it caused does count. The in-hole bounced washer can be knocked back in the hole for a score. An in-hole bounced washer can also count as a Stick the Vic.
It is a very good idea to mark both sets of washers with identifying marks before playing. Both sets should be marked with the same medium to ensure an even match. (i.e. both marked with Sharpie or both painted with same type, but different color of paint.)
This is a gentleperson’s game and any washer accidentally dropped is allowed to be picked up and thrown. Any miss-throw (i.e. any washer toss while arm is in motion) does count. Tough luck.
Vocabulary Time!
THROWING OFF is when a Player intentionally throws one, two, or all three washers to the ground as to not score any points or to set themselves up for a final throw win. If you have 20 points and only need a one to win, you can THROW OFF the first two washers and aim the third for the one hole, avoiding the need for Sticking the Vic. You can also THROW OFF in strategic situations to avoid canceling an opponent’s points if they have gone over 21 or to avoid knocking in an opponent’s washer that is about fall in a hole that might give them points.
A FIRST ROUND SKUNK happens when a Player gets an 11-0 score in the first round without it being cancelled by the other Player. This is a very desirable win cause for great celebration.
Banzi slide is small or GREG IS HUGE
Instead of going with a well known, brand name, I went with the Banzi 16' Soak N Splash with Body Board (sale price $6.99.)
I knew this was a good buy because the kids on the front of the box were having an awesome time.
At home in the backyard, something was amiss. I unfolded the slide and immediatley found that the end with the water collection splash enabler was much smaller than expected. The box showed a kid sliding into a small baby pool sized basin. This was much smaller.
Here is the slide in action with the box for reference. This was take number 122 to get the photo just right.
Greg is HUGE!
You can see the Greg's hand reaches all the way to the back when his shoulders are at the edge of the pool area. A total misrepresentation. That's something I would expect when paying $4.99 but NOT $6.99!
I wanted to see if it was possible to get the shot on the box, so I got down very low and got the box angle.
I then added Greg.
Out of Focus Virtual Greg looks like he is having an awesome time.
Subway's 1st Grade Assignment
Towel Day is May 25th
Super Desserts
Super Desserts - Funeral from Ohio Sessions on Vimeo.
What are you still doing here? Go listen to more of their stuff! http://superdesserts.bandcamp.com/album/banjo-forever.
Get on it before they decide to break up and build a barn.
Silky
Sarah Palin Begins to Interview Potential Presidential Candidates to Run with in 2012
In this daring move, Sarah Palin plans on running as Vice President and she wishes to do so with the best potential Presidential candidate possible. “Freedom loving Americans want freedom to love in America and I plan on being the vice candidate that stands next to the candidate that can do that thing.” She will personally interview and question each potential Presidential candidate.
While the list of potential running mates is a secret, we were given a peek at the interview questions when we dug through the trash dumpster of the hotel where the press conference took place. On the crumpled pages, some of the more serious questions included: “What is your foreign policy?” and “What role do you think you will have in my administration?” Other questions towards the bottom of the list were, “What newspapers do you read?” and “Who is your favorite G.I. Joe character? (If they say Destro they are pre-fired.”)
This is the first time in American history where a person has decided to run for Vice President and not first seek the office of the President. We attempted to ask Sarah Palin about this strategic move, but we had not sent this question 48 hours in advance to her Strategic Media Force, so we were unable to get an answer.
Are you a douche?
Question 1: Were you at the My Morning Jacket show in Columbus, OH on May 2nd?
Question 2: Did you shove and push your way through the crowd twenty minutes into the show to get closer to the stage?
Question 3: When asked to move did you smugly turn around and laugh.
THEN YOU ARE A DOUCHE.
Congratulations!
Bonus points to the chick in the Ohio State University jacket that literally shoved the fuckers sideways to help them move on.
(I highly suggest reading the comments below... Levi has a real good one.)
My Top 10 (plus) Movies
HolyJuan's Top 10 Movies (In no particular order except #1)
Royal Tennenbaums
Fight Club
Princess Bride
Matrix
Die Hard
Big Fish
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Terminator 2
Aliens
12 Monkeys
While making the Top 10 List, I realized that there were too many good movies so I created a back-up list in case any of the original Top 10 fell out of favor. They are the Supplementary Top 10 List:
Gallipoli
Alien
Blade Runner
Leon
Brazil
Time Bandits
Vision Quest
Adventures of Baron Muncheusen
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Terminator
While creating the Top 10 and Top 10: The Sequel list, I also started creating the WORST FUCKING MOVIES EVER. They are in no particular order except that they all suck balls:
Matrix 2
Matrix 3
Highlander 2
Indiana Jones 4
The Postman
Battlefield Earth
Batman and Robin
Indiana Jones 5
Indiana Jones 6
Indiana Jones 8
(I assume Indiana Jones 7 will actually be good after Lucas dies from having a pile of money fall on him before he can fuck up the script.)
Ten things not to say to your IT guy
1.You're a chick?
Just from the title of this list alone, I'm in deep shit. Not all IT people are guys. When an IT chick shows up, don't mention it because she's heard it hundreds of times already. Just let her fix your mistakes and please don't ask her if she is into Manga.
2. I think I fixed it.
IT people don't care that you fucked something up. It's bound to happen. What they don't like is when you attempt to fix it after you tell them there is a problem. Especially if it is hardware related and they've dragged their ass all the way to your desk. Just pretend like you didn't fix it and ask them if they are with the Alliance or for the Horde.
3. Are you with the Alliance or for the Horde?
It's not the assumption that a computer person might play a MMORPG. They probably do. The issue here is that you are pretending that you care enough to know and to take that first step into their imaginary world. Unless you are willing to discuss the newest patch or the most recent guild politics, you should just keep your yap shut. Besides, they probably play Guild Wars.
4. So, is this all you do all day?
Bad question. This oozes with the assumption that they don't do anything all day. And sadly, the real question should be, "What don't you do all day," and the answer to that is "I don't get important stuff done because I'm spending my time re-installing Windows on your computer for the third time."
5. Can I bring my lap top in from home?
No.
6. Would you like to go on a date?
Office relationships never work out. It screws up your and your co-worker's production. When you inter-office date an IT person, it throws off the whole business. IT people need to be surly to get their jobs done. If they are happy, I'm not sure what would happen to the network. The only case of when dating the IT person will work is if you dump them and completely break their heart. Then the company is secure for months as they brood and work for 18 hours a day. If you only half break their heart, you are in "Say Anything" territory and nothing is creepier than an IT guy standing in your driveway with a laptop over his head playing an MP3 of "In Your Eyes."
7. Don't you think case mods are gay?
They are gay, but IT people need a creative outlet. Just say that you saw an interesting case that was a 1:73 scale model of the Farscape, Peacekeeper Pantak Class Vigilante.
When they stare at you for a moment and don't say anything, hold up this list and they will understand.
8. Bet you've seen some great photos and videos while digging through people's computers.
Yes they have, but not because they were nosing around like you are suggesting. Having a 120GB movie slowing things up requires investigation. So does any collection of 1,500 photos with the words wife, anal, teen or spycam in the filename. So, yes, they are digging through your photos and videos, but dammit, it's for the good of the company.
9. Did you see the Matrix?
Of course, asshole. Everybody did.
10. Do you have a blog?
Yes, they have a blog. But it's probably a pretty well laid out, informative page instead of this cookie-cutter crap. They probably talk about everything but work, though they might bring up you on occasion and how you almost broke their heart and that their mood is sad and they are listening to the "Say Anything" soundtrack.
Fake Dispatch
If I send you a DM with "Thinking of you" in it, it means my Tweet was based on something you said.
If you are mentioned as a cub reporter, it is my way or RTing something you said.
I should have badges for this, but I don't. I am pretty lazy.
Follow me at @Fake_Dispatch on Twitter!
@Fake_Dispatch… pissing off mostly everyone, one fake headline at a time.
You can contact me at FakeDispatch@gmail.com. I do not have a lawyer so you cannot sue me.
How to Write an Obituary for a Child
A child’s death means so little time on Earth. Talk about the time you had with the child. A day. A month. A year. Two. Five. Ten years. About how the child made you smile or laugh. That time was too short, but family and friends should reflect about the loved ones in their life and make sure you let them know that you care for them.
A child’s death is about the loss of potential. That child had so much to live for and so many things they were going to do. Tell others they should take that unused potential to heart. They should think about what they have not done with their life and live it in the memory of the child. Do one thing and silently donate it to the memory of the child.
Talk about how the child looked. When they moved and jumped or picked flowers or looked out a window or looked you in the eyes. But especially how they were so peaceful as they slept. That nothing could touch them. Keep that memory of peace in your mind. Make sure they keep one of those memories alive.
And lastly, let people know that you will be thinking of the child every day for the rest of your life and that it would do nothing but make you happy if they mentioned the child from time to time. They are sad for you and do not want to hurt you. Explain that by sharing memories that you keep the child’s spirit alive.
So here is my example in which I will write about a fictitious child named Clayton.
Clayton passed on March 1, 20XX at the all too young age of four. We miss him greatly and our hearts are broken. Four years was not enough time for Clayton to share all the love in his heart. While his time was short, yours is still on going. Recognize this and share your love with others. Clayton had so many things he was going to accomplish. Every day he wanted to follow his sister to school. He could not wait to go and learn. Take part of Clayton’s potential with you and do something for him whether it be something small or something AMAZING. Do something for Clayton. In my mind I see Clayton digging in the sandbox and looking up every so often to see if I was looking at him. And then he would smile. I want you to remember him like this. Curious and aware. Smiling. There will never be a day that goes by that I do not think of my son. If you see me, sharing a memory will only help to remind me that Clayton’s memory lives on. Don’t be afraid to mention that you are thinking of Clayton, too. He had that effect on everyone. We miss you Clayton, with all our hearts, and you will never be forgotten.
I hope this helps.
Here is a link to some other stuff that people find important:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2120526_write-obituary-child.html
New and Improved... Egg?
I also wonder what they are feeding the chickens to get them to produce eggs that have 5x as much Vitamin D. I assume that it is healthy, organic mushrooms which are naturally high in Vitamin D. Or they could be feeding them chicken which is also high in Vitamin D. I think I've got it:
The farmer takes five chickens and puts them in a pen. Over time, the chickens battle it out and eat each other. Once there is only one chicken left, it means that it has eaten all the other chickens (or chicken that ate the other chickens) and thus will have 5x the amount of Vitamin D in its system.
I like it. It's kind of like the Highlander of eggs. There can be only one.
Nom
Nom. You’ve read it, seen it in cartoons and on posters of cute animals eating. Usually it’s repeated a few times: nom nom nom nom.
(photo via lolpix.com)
You can’t throw an everything bagel on Twitter without hitting it two or three times.
But for years, Nom has meant something else to me and what seems like too few others.
In Stephen R Donaldson’s book “The One Tree,” a creature called a sandgorgon is introduced. Sandgorgons are creatures of unending rage. They are built for destruction and are fueled by eons of frenzied anger. Trapped in mystic, desert prison, sandgorgons can only be released from their confinement if they are summoned by someone calling their name. Once summoned, they must kill the person who said their name. This is witnessed when a warrior character is forced to say the name of a sandgorgon and then is pummeled to death. Once the summoner is killed, the sandgorgon is pulled back into its prison.
Later, in a move most tremendous, the main character who is stuck in a prison cell deep in the heart of a fortress, summons a sandgorgon with the name he heard earlier. The sandgorgon batters his way through the walls to confront the one who summoned him. A battle rages and our hero, using wild magic, is able to defeat the sandgorgon without killing him. The sandgorgon realizes that he is now free and bows to our hero with respect.
This sandgorgon’s name is Nom.
When the hero Thomas Covenant said that name, I got chills. It was so unexpected and brilliant. And now... it's been wasted. Nom nom nom.
The only good feeling I get when seeing people say “nom nom nom” is thinking about them being pulverized to squishy muck by a raging creature that disappears back into the nothing once the deed is done.
Delicious Urinal Mat
Our company upped the ante recently and invested in urinal mats that are embedded with some kind of addictive, sweet smelling perfume. I actually really like this smell. I find myself going pee 8 - 10 times more a day than normal so that I can spend a few intoxicating minutes with this smell.
On top of it all, the urinal mat has a very pretty orange transparent color to it. I almost feel sad peeing on top of it. It almost looks and smells... edible. That's right. EDIBLE.
I assumed that everyone else in the office felt the same about the urinal mat, so I decided to post a warning to keep everyone from attempting to take a bite out of the mat.
THE URINAL
THE DELICIOUS LOOKING MAT
THE WARNING
Sadly, my warning failed. Here is a photo of the mat from this morning:
I hope they put the poison control number on speed dial before diving in.
A Chat Between Smiley and HolyJuan
Dave (SMILEY) was on-line and saw that I (HOLYJUAN) had Steam up and running this morning, so he decided to chat with me. The following exchange is our conversation:
SMILEY: Yo friend!
HOLYJUAN: FUCK OFF LOSER
SMILEY: Sorry I've been MIA -everythings coming to a head with school... will be
done in 2 weeks, but in theory, I'll also have time during the day to
work
SMILEY: going out tonight, but will play later
HOLYJUAN: bull
SMILEY: BTw, love the wolf's blood in the Palin article
HOLYJUAN: sweet noe seriously get away from me
SMILEY: Greg? Get off your Dad's computer
HOLYJUAN: who the fuck do u think ur talking to... im no greg
SMILEY: Annie?
SMILEY: There was one thing missing from your Palin Rider article...
SMILEY: ANAL SEX
HOLYJUAN: im sorry but i think the doug ur looking for left my house
about a week ago
SMILEY: was that some kind of brainwashing retreat when you went to Georgia?
HOLYJUAN: i dont know what ur talking about but im his nephew and i
live in Georgia and he is no longer her
SMILEY: Please log off of his account. Sorry to bother you.
Once I got his e-mail detailing this conversation, I got into Steam and changed my password. I had logged into Steam while I was in Georgia a week ago and neglected to erase my login.
The ANAL SEX bit is a joke between Dave and I. We try to drop it into conversations when the other one isn't expecting it. Really. We're not gay.
A Trade for Idiocracy
Erik from Erik Eats suggested I trade something for it.
If you have the movie and would like to trade me for it, let me know what you would want in trade. I will not trade for cash, but I do have some old coins!
Here are some things I have that you might be interested in trading:
DVDs
Books
A large chuck of Galena
Original HolyJuan cartoons that can be signed by the author or I can write a famous person’s name on it
Or I can let you be a guest writer or write something for you
If you are in Columbus, we can arrange a swap. Otherwise we can arrange shipping. If you live in Las Vegas, I'll come pick it up.
Let me know in the comments or at holyjuan@gmail.com.
A Page from Sarah Palin's Rider
Productivity
Switcheroo Name
1. No Change
Sadly, the first letters of your first and last name are the same. No fun. Sorry Kris Kristofferson.
2. Foreign Exchange Student
Remember that kid in high school that smelled like cheese and was always staring at you? Don't be sad, there will always be the other foreign exchange student for you to take to the prom. This means you Lia Eastep and Josh Kessler.
3. Porn Star
While a very small percentage of the population falls into this category, you have made it big. Good job, Rick Dodsworth!
4. Nemesis of Conan the Barbarian
Sometimes your Switcheroo Name just sounds evil. An evil person that would want to kill Cimmerians with guttural sounds that could only be pronounced by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. I’m looking at you Greg Allender and Stephanie Kuwasaki.
5. Norse God
Your regular name is boring, but your Switcheroo Name is GODLIKE! Usually you throw a couple of vowels in the first name and you will be messing in the matters of men and lying around eating manna. This means you John Acton.
Sad Easter Bunny is Sad
Don't be sad Easter Bunny! Jesus is going to come back real soon! You'll see!
Photo courtesy of Meshell.
Yay! Pollen!
This might look like snow, but it a photo of all the dust falling from the trees.
It seems other guests to the state had a similar mindset as us.
E.T. in a lava lamp
What is the rabbit measuring?
Just prop her up for the photo, then we can bury her
I assume that she died a hour or so before the photo and the company knew that they needed more than one woman in the photo, so they kept her around long enough to get a few shots.
Good news is, Uline carries coffin sized crates!
Shower Curtain Practical Joke (NSFW)
Kim and Shorty held their mostly annual Christmas party this year and John decided to liven up the event via a shower curtain he purchased on the internet.
He originally meant to buy the (you don't want to click on this link)FISTING SHOWER CURTAIN, but it was probably so wildly popular that it was sold out and he instead got the SMDB curtain.
John was giddy when he and Bekah arrived at the party. They sneaked up to the guest bathroom and were relieved when the guest bathroom shower curtain hooks would work with their gift. They hung it up and the upstairs was immediatley filled with a stinky, chemical vinyl smell. Or it was a scratch and sniff curtain.
Here is the curtain installed:
Miss Sally and Lynne enjoying the curtain:
I never noticed it before, but the black shirts make it look like Miss Sally and Lynne are groping each other!
It took about two hours for Kim and Shorty to figure out the curtain was up. I assume they kept it up for a few months becuase they enjoyed it so much.
Automobile Driving Pledge
1. I pledge to follow all the driving laws of my state. When I am in your state, I’ll try to follow those, too.
2. I pledge not to drive like a douche, except in such situations that would conflict with Pledge 1.
3. I pledge to only be in the passing lane to pass a slower moving vehicle and that I will pass said slower vehicle at up to 33% over the speed limit so that I don’t slow down the people behind me. I also realize and accept that this violates Pledge 1.
4. I pledge to only break Pledge 1 when following Pledge 3 or Pledge 5.
5. I pledge to follow all these pledges, except for Pledge 4 when it conflicts with this one.
My Guess - Opera Mini
Rejected
How Long is Your Finger?
My co-worker, Levi, decided to not deal with the hassle of carrying around a 3 inch ruler, so he had one tattooed on his finger. I'm sure it is a great idea, but now in Levi's language there are only things that are less than 3" and more than 3".
Eating an Eagle
The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!
The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."
Getting it out of the way
Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers
To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.
Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.
Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.
Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.
Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.
Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.
Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.
Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.
What up, Stu!
Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos in Columbus, OH March 2010
When we walked into Circus, I thought that a group of Amish carpenters had been hired to build a stage, but it turned out that it was the opening band.
It was hard to tell where the band ended and the crowd began as many of the members poured off the stage and stood in front. Interestingly enough, Erik Kang of Margot was one of the band members off the stage.
The band turned out to be Super Desserts and they have a very interesting sound. I loved the female vocals and the strings blended quite nicely.
The second band was Dolson. I was taken aback by their set. When I was doing some pre-concert research, I went to their MySpace page and listened to a few of their songs. They sounded pretty mellow. I can dig mellow. But when they came out, they rocked.
It was a pleasant surprise, as I wanted to wait until the main act to weep. Check out their site and give them a listen, but I highly recommend catching them live.
The next group up was the Four Douchebags. Not a musical group, but rather four fucks in leather jackets. The photos speak for themselves.
Luckily they moved on before Margot got on stage.
Margot rolled on stage and something was amiss. I noticed that Emily Watkins' carved keyboard was not on stage. My initial thought was that it was in the shop and this taped together hunk of junk was the loaner. No problem. Until the anti-Emily Watkins sat down behind the board and began to play.
Also missing was the un-missable Casey Tennis. I was sad. I secretly hoped they had bad sushi earlier in the day, but a fan standing next to us said that four of the original members had left the band.
Crap. It's sad because the show rocked. Richard Edwards is an excellent musician and I dig his lyrics and I love his music, but the guy oozes prick. No, his prick doesn't ooze; I can just tell that they guy is probably pretty hard to get a long with. He seems like he knows what his music is and that you should not try and tell him otherwise.
Other band members literally take a back seat to Edwards.
I will continue to follow Margot where ever Richard takes them. And now I'm left wondering what Emily is up to and what barbed wire stuffed animals Casey is sticking in his pants.
Dustin uses his iPhone to figure out what Britney Spears song was playing in between sets.
The Fourth Douchebag cannot afford a leather jacket.
Cryptic words on Edwards' guitar.
I assume the gaffers tape was covering up something.