Xe (formerly Blackwater) Contracted to Evict People in Foreclosed Homes

CHICAGO (HJ) – Sources have just confirmed that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Though Xe has not yet confirmed this, we have several reports of Xe contractors stealthily lurking through Chicago in full military fatigues with camouflaged furniture dollies and armored moving vans.

Xe, better known for contracting with the US State Department for “protection” work in Iraq, is moving forward with the company's newest initiative, Operation Deadbeat. Just recently, it has been confirmed that model homes are being constructed at Xe training sites for what is presumed to be tactical planning purposes.

Joan Readford of Easthampton was removed from her home this morning. “The men ran up to my door in formation. After handing me a series of colorful eviction brochures, they staged an attack of the first floor, packaging up my breakables and putting my appliances in a separate interrogation area. The house was packed up in about thirty minutes. Those assholes were very efficient and swept the floor right before they jumped into the armored moving van.”

Just last year, Cook County sheriff Dart had refused to evict renters whose landlords have quit paying the mortgage. He was quoted as saying that eviction can be part of his job but, “What isn't part of our job, however, is to carry out work on behalf of the multi-billion-dollar banks and mortgage industries.” It seems that the multi-billion-dollar banks and mortgage industries can’t wait for Sheriff Dart’s morals to be changed so they have taken the evictions into their own hands.









Sherriff Dart and the families he is protecting.
An unnamed Xe source has shared with us that he and several other Xe employees have undergone intensive moving training. “Many people think our only job is to kill and torture. This isn’t so. We undergo weeks of training in the art of wrapping valuables and box labeling. Just last week, we blew up a townhouse, moved it to a ¾ acre lot with a view of the lake and pieced it back together. That's customer service.”

39 comments:

TC said...

What you didn't mention is that the people Sheriff Dart is protecting are renters, who have no idea that the property is going into foreclosure and have been legally paying their rent to the landlord, only to be thrown out on the street. Using Blackwater mercenaries should be illegal, it's an outrage.

Mike Cane said...

I don't believe this. You have (AP) up there and I can't find any AP report.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure this is a joke.

Mike Cane said...

Obviously, I didn't read the last para before Commenting. Satire becomes near-believable these days.

Anonymous said...

Sheriff Dart for President!

joshyMinor said...

Yeah, I'd like to see these punks come try to evict me. I have two open bolt MAC-10s that say otherwise. Punk wannabes!

www.privacy.de.tc

kage said...

the most upsetting part about this article is its credibility. the parody meter read pretty high, but even then it's difficult to distinguish from reality.

Fantabulous said...

http://www.theage.com.au/world/sheriff-shuts-the-door-on-evictions-20081009-4xkh.html

At least part of this article is true (thankfully not the Blackwater involvement, although it may interest you to know that Chicago's police force is trained by BW). The true bit is the best thing I've heard come out of Cook County in... ever.

Seth said...

As a very armed citizen, ex-Marine, and homeowner this article almost makes me wish I was in default.

Steve said...

Hmmm where the hells my gun !!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAY THANK YOU TO SHERIFF DART FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE OF THE FEW TO STAND UP TO WASHINGTON AND THE GLOBAL BANKERS!

http://www.cookcountysheriff.org

sheriff@cookcountysheriff.org

Jamey B said...

You almost had me Doug!

wirecutter said...

Not bad, not bad at all.

Anonymous said...

pretty good satire. If the sherriff is real, good on him. It's sad that the people who are paying most in this fiasco are unsuspecting renters.

As a former evil Blackwarudian, I can tell you this, Seth and Joshminor, the last thing you want is me and my buddies stacking on your door. Not that would ever happen, but it's a lot easier to be tough on the internet then in Baghdad, former Marine or not.

Truth is, many of you have Blackwater contractors living in your neighborhoods and don't realize it. You know that neigbhor you have that is a vet, but he doesn't seem to be around much in the past couple years? Hmmm... We're just people. Like any group, one or two bad apples can demonize the whole bunch. Christmas eve shooting? I was there. That kid wasn't even a PSD contractor. He ran the arms room. And he needs to go to jail. Haditha? I was there for that as well. Did I shoot? No. No targets presented themselve in in MY sector. Was it an ambush. Hell yes it was. Why do you think there was video from the Iraqi POV?

Bottom line is they need to be held accountable, but it needs to be done responsibly and without political bias.

Anonymous said...

this is by far the most ridiculous claim about Blackwater that I have ever seen. As for the picture of the Blackwater "mover" its amazing what you can do with photoshop. And the picture of the tactical police team with the realty sign in the background is also a fabrication. The masks that they're wearing are training masks used for paintball style training rounds. Do you people honestly think that these money hungry mortgage companies would contract a high end private military company such as Blackwater when there are companies like Wackenhut and other "rent-a-cop" organizations that would do the same job for half the price? Are you all so naive that you believe everything you're spoon fed by the media and the internet?

Doug said...

The guy rappelling down behind the Sheriff looks pretty realistic.

I'm telling you folks! Look out! i hear they are using bubble wrap made by Halliburton!!

Anonymous said...

Hey – ex Marine – 90% of Blackwater are ex Marines and ex Army Vets that have already put their life on line serving in MC or Army in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Perhaps you have never been there yourself so have some respect.
Obviously this story is a satire – everyone with half of the brain would realize that.

Greg Bacon said...

What makes this so believable is that it sounds plausible.

No doubt that in the future, Blackwater goons will be goose-stepping all over our rights and America.

And saying that they were only doing their duty.

Yada, yada, yada

Tyranny is tyranny, regardless of how well it pays it's minions.

Greg Bacon
1971-72 82nd Airborne

Daniel said...

FYI Blackwater has already done this kind of work in New Orleans after Katrina. Door to door firearm confiscation and evictions.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't have surprised me if this were true.

Shane said...

I'll make no qualms about saying this. Blackwater are not officers of the law, they are armed thugs in ski masks. As such you have a legal right to shoot these MFers dead if they enter your home and I suggest anyone being evicted by these A-holes do just that. Shoot them dead.

Anonymous said...

Holy Juan Canoli!

nobodysaysBOO said...

Right those big brave baby killing mall cops from blackslime inc. did not look so hot as Russian captives on tanks handcuffed going to moscow,LOL, they ran so did the big bad israiles from the Russians!
Has anybody seen them again? Maby big dick chainney led a team to rescue them?
LOL
This incompentant cowardly trash is not qualified to move furniture.

Anonymous said...

What a waste of your writing talent, and my time. What's happening is serious, and you're trying to do what exactly here? Douchebag!

Anonymous said...

Boy am I releived , evryone thinks this is a joke.

Anonymous said...

This is posted on other sites as "factual"!!!

Anonymous said...

NOT F-N FUNNY AT ALL! C'mon man, look at how many other sites below are linking to this story. Are you trying to give us all a huge collective heart attack?!?!

We've got enough to worry about. Fear is the mindkiller.

This is completely irresponsible.

Doug said...

I created this article especially for you idiots who would think, nay, WANT this article to be true.

For any of you idiots who make it through the first paragraph... you deserve exactly the reality you believe in.

IDIOTS!

PS Thanks for visiting. Your gullibility has given me some ideas for future posts!!

Buffalo Bob said...

I can't believe there are actually people out there stupid enough to believe this. Maybe the government should just take everything over - too many morons who can't think for themselves running around.

Anonymous said...

That last comment is NOT a joke.

Doug said...

Boy Anonymous above me, people are really going to wonder what the hell you are talking about.

Doug said...

Whoa, Steve! I'm not sure what's happening, but your comments seem to keep getting deleted.

Odd.

Doug said...

There it goes again! Poof! Maybe you can pander your crappy website somewhere else, like on your own website.

Anonymous said...

lol people are so stupid, this is fake

Anonymous said...

Everyone of you that are talking like tough guys and actually believe this story, you ("former" Marine this,and tough guy paratroop that, my guns...shoot'm dead) are a joke and have a total of 4 brains cells between the whole bunch of you. I'm former Army and a BW "baby killer"/"Merc")....LOL This story is a joke, and most of what you hear about how we kill everything with in rifle range is simply not true. I haven't heard of this contract, but if it was true, and despite of what your think you know, we would not be going in like Nazi jack booted thugs. Believe it or not we are American first also. But FYI, if we were kicking doors, you tough guys would not fair good at all. And we're not "wanna be's" Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

"Yo, Hey – ex Marine – 90%. . .

Perhaps you have never been there yourself so have some respect.
1:05 PM"

Watch your tongue boy. We may serve under mercenary command but the only "man" many of us dare die for is Uncle Sam, not Benjamin Franklin.

Stow your naiveté and apologize, maggot. The good marine looks to me like a rather honorable soldier from where I'm sitting.

Serving dogs like Backwater isn't a hot button issue or anything at all within the services. Next time enlist instead of watching the war from home on CNN or HBO before you run your mouth about retired soldiers.

Anonymous said...

"LOL This story is a joke, and most of what you hear about how we kill everything with in rifle range is simply not true. 10:25 AM"

Seth, our resident Jar-Head up top never questioned the reality of this article -- sh*t, I'd like to take a couple shots at Blackwater myself ::grin::

All you can blame most of us "tough guys" for is being boys with our toys.

On the flip side, maybe the boys with their toys talking tough have actually seen the clandestine side of this filthy war on Terror. Its a scary thing when an entire intelligence community gets diverted towards thwarting "terrorists" who kill on average about 4k people a year. . . F'ing joke.

State to state conflicts kill millions over night and somehow the coldwar like paranoia in the states found a way to direct the stone cold smooth operators from the cold war against their training and focus their efforts on what they know to be bullsh*t targets. Bin Ladin? Your kidding right? who cares if we can't find him. DPRK, Iran, and Russia have started military expansion like its going outa style. Japan, the Philippines, and NATO's military forces are falling apart.

Who the hell's gonna be left to clean up this mess? Whether we want to be or not America is the "World Police." Its called a super power. Go back to school and learn about it -- it rocks and sucks all at once.

Bravo to the author. With a couple more embarrassments like this on Digg and Reddit maybe the new ignorant masses will think before they believe everything they hear, see, or read.

Makes you really miss the golden days of news papers -- when they were just about as reliable as the internet today.

Anonymous said...

"LOL This story is a joke, and most of what you hear about how we kill everything with in rifle range is simply not true. 10:25 AM"

Seth, our resident Jar-Head up top never questioned the reality of this article -- sh*t, I'd like to take a couple shots at Blackwater myself ::grin::

All you can blame most of us "tough guys" for is being boys with our toys.

On the flip side, maybe the boys with their toys talking tough have actually seen the clandestine side of this filthy war on Terror. Its a scary thing when an entire intelligence community gets diverted towards thwarting "terrorists" who kill on average about 4k people a year. . . F'ing joke.

State to state conflicts kill millions over night and somehow the coldwar like paranoia in the states found a way to direct the stone cold smooth operators from the cold war against their training and focus their efforts on what they know to be bullsh*t targets. Bin Ladin? Your kidding right? who cares if we can't find him. DPRK, Iran, and Russia have started military expansion like its going outa style. Japan, the Philippines, and NATO's military forces are falling apart.

Who the hell's gonna be left to clean up this mess? Whether we want to be or not America is the "World Police." Its called a super power. Go back to school and learn about it -- it rocks and sucks all at once.

Bravo to the author. With a couple more embarrassments like this on Digg and Reddit maybe the new ignorant masses will think before they believe everything they hear, see, or read.

Makes you really miss the golden days of news papers -- when they were just about as reliable as the internet today.

Anonymous said...

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?