Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts

Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers

Blackwater is in deep water. A number of months ago, Iraq denied the protection services company a renewal of their operating license. This left hundreds of highly trained protection services people angry and bored. The last thing anyone wants is for three or four Blackwater guys to wake up in the morning and say, “What do you want to do today?”

To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.

Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.

Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.

Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.

Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.

Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.

Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.

Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.

Turning Pink Slips into HOPE

LORAIN OH – Many hard working Americans are faced with possible job loss during these tough economic times and it is very easy for the recently dismissed to lose hope. Neild Mortgage, in Lorain, Ohio, has been laying off staff over the past few months and owner Orlando Neild decided to put a positive spin on the pink slip. “During the election, I was made hopeful by Obama’s campaign posters. The colors and letters make me feel good no matter what the message.” When Orlando was faced with having to lay off some of his staff, he decided to deliver the negative message with a positive attitude. His idea was to deliver the bad news with a message of HOPE.

“I feel that if you are going to deliver bad news, you might as well do it in a pretty way. Make it so that they can turn an unhappy event into lemonade.”

Orlando paid a graphic design firm over $45,000 dollars to design the pink slips and to come up with a “Feel Better in 2010” message. Orlando helped with the design, “I said ‘Keep the blue on the right. That is more positive.’ And in these minus times, we all need the positive.” Mr. Nield also helped with writing the positive messages and ensured that each employee was personally escorted out of the building by two Career Enhancers/Security Guards.

Job (Part 17)

Got a job.

I think this one will stick. No dead bodies.

Well, one.

And the seven dead fetuses.

And the box of ashes.

But I think that's it.


I got a job.

Thanks to everyone who helped and provided support by buying me drinks.

I'll be working Tue, Thur and Sat at Sirens in Columbus, OH. My stage name is Peaches.