Hormel Pepperoni: Hot & Spicy & Smaller by Almost Half.

I love pepperoni. I usually buy Hormel, even though it can be a little more expensive. Last shopping trip, I bought 2/$6.00. In an attempt to spice things up, I purchased the Hot & Spicy flavor. From the photo below, you can see the packages are exactly the same except for where I had torn the top off the Hot & Spicy variety.

Once I got in the bag, I immediately noticed that something was not right. The bag seemed half empty. I looked at the size on the bag:

5oz (note the easy to read black on red)

I pulled the other bag out and looked at it:


I was getting screwed out of 3oz because of flavoring? It's a different between $.60 and ounce and $.38 an ounce. I just don't get it. It would be like getting charged double for Salt and Vinegar potato chips over regular potato chips just because it is a different flavor.

The packaging is completely misleading. It's exactly the same size! I will not make the same mistake next time.

Shame on you Hormel!

Local Teacher Admonished for Crucifix in Classroom

Columbus OH (HJ) – Cassandra Schwartzinski, a second grade teacher at Elm Elementary in Worthington, Ohio, was given a formal reprimand for going against school district’s policy of displaying religious items in the class room. Schwartzinski claims that the cross had been hanging on the wall for years and no one made any comment about it.

School officials declined to comment about Schwartzinski’s recent conversion of all the classroom seats into pews or her math teachings by adding and subtracting the Ten Commandments.

photo credit: perspicacious from www.flickr.com

For Gaston

I would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Gaston.

Gaston and I are on opposite ends of the political system.
Gaston and I have different opinions about social issues.
Gaston and I have different opinions about economic issues.
Gaston and I have very little in common.
But yet, Gaston and I are friends and I think we forgive each other for our beliefs.

I will miss you, friend.

Good luck.

(Your wife is HOT!)

Raw Food Diet

(A snippet from a much larger story)

Back in 2001, when Allen and I were out in LA recording the audio for the Big Yummy, we got to know an audio engineer who was also a testicular cancer survivor. They guy swore that part of his health regimen was a raw diet. My engineering friend would sit at the board and eat 10 -12 small meals a day. It was uncooked stuff, pureed in a Cuisinart and stored in small Tupperware containers. He’d pull a container out of the refrigerator, open the lid, lick the lid, and either drink or spoon the contents into his mouth, somehow avoiding getting any in his scraggly beard. The uncooked paste was usually green or orange, but I saw a red one and hoped it was not blood.

On one occasion, he did have some solid food that looked red like beets. They were cubed and he popped them in his mouth like chocolates. I accused, “Hey, aren’t beets cooked and processed? You are cheating.”

And he followed up with, “No, this is beef.”

“Raw meat?”

“Yeah! I get it from a butcher that I trust. It’s delicious. Would you like to try some?”

I held back a weirded out spasm and I replied, “No thanks. Do you eat raw chicken?”

“No. That’s gross.”

Well, at least we got that all figured out. Another bit of information he shared was that the food he ate was so raw and easily digestible and absorbed by his body, that he rarely had bowel movements. That’s right. No poop. And then I started to think about how a once a month poop would look... like a small, really black, deflated balloon.

Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.


PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Creationists Find Missing Link; Declare Evolution Extinct

HOUSTON TX (HJ) - For years, Scientific Evolutionists and Religious Creationists have battled over whose theory/story is correct about where all living creatures on Earth came from. The scientists point to theory, fossilized evidence and actual living species that are evolving right before our eyes. The Creationists point to the Bible and the missing link.

But today the Creationists announced their solution to the whole debate. Earlier this afternoon, Texan Creationist, Mark Thomas James Ruddard announced what the Creationists finally came up with. Here is the text of his speech:

“As you know, we have fought for years and years over the basis for life on Earth. While the non-believers dug into our Earth’s 4000 year old dirt looking for bones, we looked to the heavens. While the heathens tried to say the earth was billions of years old, we looked at the fossilized remains of dinosaur feet next to human feet. The only thing these laugh-a-billies could come up with is a theory that we all started as apes and then just got the idea to all of a sudden to make airplanes and talk on phones. (Laughter) I am here to say that our scholars have figured it out. And answer to all the questions…

“In the days when Jesus rode dinosaurs, not all men were as pious and good as our Christ. In fact, these men, which we would consider today as being Stone Age Hippies, would sometimes engage in acts of lewdness with the dinosaurs. Of this unforgivable mating, a unfathomable creature emerged. The creature that your “Scientists” call Neanderthal. This creature was not of God and was shunned. Then, this Child of Hippies would have more relations with dinosaurs and those children are the apes and moneys of the world today. We also believe that the Cave Hippies spread a Stone Age type AIDS around which killed off all the dinosaurs. The end.”

Court Ordered Free WiFi to Squatter

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Abe Strawn of Columbus, Ohio thought that he was doing his neighbors a favor. Soon after he had high speed cable internet installed, he set up a wireless router and named it FREEWIFI. For the computer savvy, a wifi connection means a free connection to the internet. He kept this up for about nine months until he had his credit card compromised. “The credit card company suggested I look for ways to protect myself. One of those ways was to shut off my open wi-fi. So I did.”

That’s when his other problems started. A day later, there was a knock on his door. One of his neighbors came to ask him about the wi-fi. Abe said that most of the neighbors knew he had the free internet connection. When Mr. Strawn explained the situation, the neighbor took offense and became upset. Mr. Strawn explained, “I think the neighbor thought I was accusing him of stealing the credit card number. I wasn’t. They tracked it down to a local restaurant. But as he raged on, he just seemed pissed about the internet being disconnected.”

A week later, Abe received an order of specific performance from the Franklin County Court. The order said that he was to immediately open up his internet connection to the neighbors. When Mr. Strawn did not re-open the wifi connection within a week, he got a visit from two police officers. “When they showed up, they thought I was stealing cable. I showed them the order and explained what it was and they thought it was completely stupid. “ The police officers left without tazing anyone.

As it turns out, Ohio allows for wifi squatters to claim rights to a broadcast connection if it has been given out for free for over six months. Once a half-year has passed, there is an assumed right to internet access and the wifi provider must file for a release of service a month in advance to halt the connection.

Mr. Strawn has filed to be released, but in the meantime, he is required to continue sharing his internet connection. When he complained about security, he was told that he had to offer password access to the encrypted connection. “That’s where I got back at the only neighbor that asked for the connection. I made the connection WHOSUCKSCOCK and his password is MYMOMDOES. He has to type that in each time.”

Palin Plans Pregnancy for 2012 Presidential Run

ANCHORAGE, AK (HJ) - Sources say that Sarah Palin has a major trick up her sleeve for her 2012 Presidential run, though the sleeve isn’t exactly where this trick is up. Insiders close to Palin say that not only is she going to run in the 2012 race for President, but that she will also plan a pregnancy to coincide with the race and to have pregnancy milestones occur during key points in the process.

Our sources have confirmed that the Palin 2012 team has come up with the following “no way can we lose this one” schedule:
Conception: December 31, 2011 (some kind of tax dodge)

Announcement of Pregnancy: January 15th, 2012 (right before the first Republican primary)

First Ultrasound (BONUS: revealing of “Jesus Face Shadow” in the image): February 6th (the day before Super Tuesday)

Revelation That Doctors Say She Should Abort for Health Reasons and She Says NO!: March 15th (The middle of the Primaries)

Sex of the Child Revealed… Surprise! It’s Twins: May 8th (the last of the Republican debates and final votes needed for Primary win)

Names of the Children Released: September 11th (Naming the boy Freedom Chief and the girl Tower1 Tower2)

Blurry Photo of Palin’s Distended Belly Released: September 24th (Day before 1st Presidential Debate- debate is called off because of media hype)

Birth of the Twins: October 14th (The day of the scheduled 2nd debate – debate is called off)

Three Weeks of Seclusion: October 15th though November 4th (During this time, Palin only responds to Twitter and FOX News interviews.)

First Appearance with Children in Public: November 5th (The day before the election. She announces that one child has a Brain Cloud and the other is African American.)

When we questioned how the Palin's Election Team would hit all these milestone on the date specified, the source only offered up that many of these would be planned in advance and that the necessary arrangements would be made to induce the results needed. When asked about the rigors of pregnancy and the campaign trail, the source laughed and explained that Palin would not actually be pregnant, but rather she would have a surrogate carry the children and she would wear the appropriate costume to fake pregnancy. We questioned if Palin could actually pull off faking a pregnancy and the source smiled and said, “Yeah, she’s pretty good at it.”

Jesus Accidentally Reveals that the World is Round

GALILEE (HJ) - Jesus accidentally let it slip to the apostles that the world was round today during an informal breakfast. The crew had spent in the night in Samaria in preparation for a speaking engagement later that next day. Jesus was really hitting home the message of telling people about God by “spreading the Word of his Father around the globe.” Matthew spoke up and corrected Jesus by suggesting, “Don’t you mean the edges of the earth, your holiness?” “Excuse me?” Jesus asked quietly. Lebbaeus followed up with, “You said ‘around’ and ‘globe’ as if the Earth wasn’t flat.” Jesus raged, “Of course I meant the edges of the earth. I’m the fucking Son of God who is all-knowing. I meant around the flat globe.”

An unknown source close to Jesus believes that the Son of God knows a lot more than he is letting out, but that the encumbrance of knowing the whole story would crumple the minds of his followers. “Jesus once mentioned that Herod’s policies were pre-Cambrian. We assume that all this will be revealed to us at the proper time.” (Editor’s Note: This source was paid in silver for his account.)

After breaking their fast and gathering up the white wine and red dye packs, James was overheard speaking to Nathanial, “The earth is round? Surely he doesn't expect us to take such a preposterous concept on faith alone, does HE?!"

During the trip to the next gig, Jesus apologized and said the stresses of the upcoming crucifixion and three day confinement in the dark tomb were wearing on him. “If we don’t nail this finale, Dad’s gonna be pissed.” He held up two fingers, “Without me, it’ll just be Jews and Muslims and they could form a long lasting peace.” He held up the third, “A third branch will ensure millennia of strife and endless worship.”

At the speaking engagement, while the team prepared the false bottom baskets, James, son of Zebedee, questioned his brother John about the slip. John let it slide and said, “Everyone knows the world is flat. You know Jesus. He’s got a lot on his mind.”

Tiger Woods Apology Speech (revised)

Good morning and thank you for joining me. I have a few things I would like to say:

I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.

I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.

I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.

Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.

Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.

To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.

Thank you and good day.

The Working Broken Furnace

Last winter we went up to Grandma Susie’s for a visit. Upon walking in we noted that the temperature in the house was about 64 degrees. We casually mentioned this and Susie was at her wit’s end. She had the furnace guy out two times already and every time he arrived he'd go down stairs, come back up and report that the furnace was working fine. But as soon as he left, the furnace would stop working. I immediately went down stairs and the furnace was working. I went back up and reported this to Susie and she shook her head in disbelief. She claimed that she was cursed because when she went down the furnace would stop working. About ten minutes later I decided to go back down and see if it was still on. It was not. I toggled switches and checked the lines and reset the reset button. Nothing. Once again the furnace dude was called.

Being a guy, I went back downstairs several times before the furnace dude arrived to see if the system had kicked back on. It had not. When the furnace guy arrived, he said hello, went down stairs and came right back up. “The furnace is on.” I went down and checked… it was on.

The furnace dude left us with a business card with a psychiatrist’s phone number scribbled on the back.

Fifteen minutes later I was down in the basement looking at a furnace that wasn’t working.

We left a few hours later with the furnace still not working.

We heard back from Susie the next day. The furnace company was so sick of her calling that they sent out Furnace Dude Numero Uno to take a look at her situation. He showed up, went down stairs and the furnace was working. He then pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the furnace and waited for the tea kettle to start boiling.

And five minutes later it did. The furnace sputtered out. He could not get it to re-start.

Because this furnace dude was The Furnace Dude, he went back to Fire 101 which states that you need three things for fire: fuel, oxygen and ignition. Fuel and ignition were present and accounted for. He went to check on oxygen.

Jump back in time six months previous and Susie was having an issue with wasps on her patio. They had a nest in a pipe that was coming out of the house. She took out the nest with some Raid and removed the soggy remnants with a broom handle. To keep the wasps from returning, she put a stocking over the hole. And then she forgot about it.

Furnace Dude removed the stocking from the air intake and the furnace happily took a deep breath of air and ignited. After that it stayed on. Done and done.

But wait… what about the sporadic lighting? Why was the furnace always on when the original furnace guy or I were in the basement? As a clever boy, I realized that every time the front door was opened, it would allow for what ever vacuum had formed in the furnace’s guts to be released. As it was trying to suck air in from the blocked exterior pipe, it was also pulling in whatever surrounding air inside the house that it could. When the front door was opened, the resulting change in pressure allowed just enough air in for the furnace to ignite just long enough for the furnace dude to think Susie was just enough batshit crazy.

The moral of this story is nestled somewhere in between “experience requires patience” and “Susie is always right except in reguards to pest control,” but I don’t know where.

"Blue Laws" Anger Local Man, Plans to Ban Wednesday Services

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Bruce M. Targe of Hilliard, OH recently tried to buy some wine at his local Gas n’ Sip convenience store. “The wife and I were headed out of town to our cabin and we were stocking up for the week.” He was surprised to find that he could not buy wine on Sundays until 1:00pm due to Ohio’s “Blue Laws” that restrict alcohol sales because of antiquated religious standards.
Instead of complaining about it, Mr. Targe decided to take action. He is currently collecting signatures to put forth legislation on what he has christened, “Orange Laws.” In short, Orange Laws would restrict religious services on Wednesdays between 4:30pm and 11:59pm. Mr. Targe explains, “You talk to any religious person and they’ll say that Blue Laws are not that much of an inconvenience. Well, Wednesday night is my bowling night and the mega-church up the road has services at the same time. There’s traffic all up and down the road on the way there and coming back is just as bad when they let out.” By restricting church during that time with an “Orange Law,” Mr. Targe can free up his commute to bowling and show the religious what it is like to be inconvenienced.

So far Mr. Targe has collected about 278 signatures. He got the idea for Orange Laws for all those dads who were missing bowling night. He smirked, “Hey dads, “orange” you glad you don’t have to go to church?”

Upon hearing of the possible legislation, Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” stated that new “Orange Laws” are a serious issue. Pastor Phelps stated, “This is a serious issue. Our Church meets on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Pizza Night Day and Sunday. We do not think we could move our Wednesday service to Saturday as our congregation is usually churched out by then and needs a day of rest before we power though all day Sunday services.”

Pastor Phelps has started his own “Anti-Orange Laws” petition and has gathered 18 signatures. They plan to sell wine and cheese gift baskets to raise money for a continued campaign.

Facebook Gold Membership

Do you have a Facebook Gold Membership?

The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.

Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"

Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.

When friends ask questions, use these replies:

"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."

Even better, take that photo and make 20 copies and upload it as an album. Then start tagging your friends in random places in the photo. When they go to look at the photo, they will think they are missing out on something.

Special thanks to reddit.com!

(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)

How to get ink off my privates?

I thought I would ask the question for Todd P. of Alaska.

You can answer here.

Do the Hard Thing First

Dad always said, "Do the hard thing first." If you do that hard homework first, the rest will be cake. If you tackle the hard yard work first, it’s all down hill after that.

Today I didn’t and I am very happy that I did not.

When I brought the kids home last night, there was about 5” of snow in the driveway. I was able to get the van up and into the garage, but the Civic would have trouble getting up without issue. So I shoveled.

We got an additional 5” after I shoveled and the city plows did a great job both clearing the roads and piling up an 18” wall of snow at the end of my driveway.

Thinking about father’s words, I got the shovel and headed to the end of the driveway. After two shovelfuls, I realized that while this might not be an Augean stable effort, it was going to take a bit of time and energy. In lieu of getting my iPod, I went up to the garage and got out the radio. And while I was at the top of the driveway, I took the easy way out and started there where there was only newly fallen snow.

It took me about 30 minutes to get to the bottom of the driveway and I once again heard my father’s words. I was dreading the huge clumps of compacted ice and snow and now wished that I would have heeded…

Just then a Westerville city maintenance truck with a small plow on the front came up the street. I gave a friendly wave as he drove past with his plow in the air. He waved back and slowed down so that he could do a three point turn in the road. He lowered his plow and I moved back out of the way as he cleared the end of the drive. In ten seconds and two pushes, he was done.

Turns out I did do the hard thing first.

Thanks, dad.

Jesus' Shadow


Scams, Natural General Health Remedies, snake oil and other lies

Hello to all the folks out there looking for information on scams or “Natural General Health Remedies” or snake oil or mynaturalremediesnow or placebos or my natural remedies now.

You see, while nature holds many medical mysteries and secrets, it takes years of scientific research to determine if a substance is helpful to humans. Many products out on the market today work off peoples’ fears and hopes for a quick cure. These natural products or homeopathic cures are complete bunk. If you think a glass of water can hold the memory of some poison and then build up your resistance, then I have a bridge made of iocane powder I’d like to sell you.

Here is a list of words:
Natural General Health Remedies
Natural General Health Remedies
Snake oil
Natural General Health Remedies
Natural General Health Remedies

Thank you,


Dave is coming back for a visit

Dave is coming back to Columbus for a visit and we will be at Skully's on the 18th. Come join us for fun and frivolity.

This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.

Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.