Showing posts with label Ask HolyJuan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ask HolyJuan. Show all posts

Ask HolyJuan: How to Build a Mancave?

Dear Holy Juan,

In a few short months I will be getting married. This means my future wife and I will be moving into a new home soon. You've given advice on moving, keeping your wife happy, even parenting lessons (which I will undoubtedly need someday). One topic I have yet to see addressed? The home oasis of every American male. I'm talking about the Man-cave.

Holy Juan, I will need a Man-cave in my new home. Since I've never been married or a proud home-owner before I am at a loss. Does a finished basement automatically become the Man-cave, or will I have to flip a coin with my wife to see who gets dibs? If the basement is unfinished, but I use my considerable talent to change that, is it automatically mine? Will a shed in the backyard suffice as a Man-cave? Can I even hook up satellite TV to a shed?

My only solace in our current condo is the computer room/ office which I share with my fiancé and there's a goddamn poster sized picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall. It's not even a sexy or seductive one either. This trend cannot carry over to the new house.

Help me, Holy Juan. You're my only hope.

Mr. Phip

Dear Mr. Phip,

Buying a home can be a very stressful… wait… you are getting married? Married? Have you thought about the repercussions of this? You realize that when you are married, you lose the right to say “man.” Everything after that is “us.” What you are asking me is how to build an “Us-Cave.”

How To Build An Us-Cave

Step One: Buy a house
Make sure your house has a basement or second bedroom. This way you can fill those large, unused spaces with the boxes of sports memorabilia and man crap that you will not be allowed to unpack.

Step Two: Watch Home Improvement Shows
By watching home improvement shows, you will start to begin to gain confidence in your abilities to think about how great it would be to have an Us-Cave. Please note, you will have to record the Home Improvement shows and sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to watch them.

Step Three: Reminisce
Soon the DVR will be filled with other shows like “The Biggest Loser” and “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” and “16 and Pregnant” and there will be no more room for DIY shows. This will give you plenty of time to sneak into the spare bedroom and sort through the boxes with your old Xbox, baseball cards and baseball gear. Weep quietly to yourself now. Do it in the baseball glove so that with every sob, you inhale the sweet , sweet smell of bachelorhood.

Step Four: Construction!
Surprise! Your wife sold all your man crap and now the spare bedroom is empty (actually she threw the shit out and the guy with the trash truck just made a cool $1,500 off your collectibles.) Time to think about filling this now empty room with stuff! You repaint. You re-carpet. You buy a bed and an end table and a set of drawers. What’s this? A recliner! And your wife allows you to buy a 44” LCD, wifi enabled flatscreen. Your Us-Cave is almost a reality.

Step Five: Mother-in-law moves into the Us-Cave
Now all that is left is to await death. I’d suggest eating two pounds of bacon a day to quicken your inevitable end, but now that your wife is vegan, so are you. You’ll live to be 100. Until then, mother-in-law needs her colostomy bag emptied. Get to work, Mr. Phip.

Congratulations on your pending nuptials!

Ask HolyJuan: Neighbors Park on Our Side of the Street

Dear Holy Juan,

I have a little dilemma that needs to be handled with tact.

Our new neighbors keep parking their car in front of our house. We both have garages. We both have driveways. We both have the same amount of curb space. But they put their car in front of our house. They park in such a way that it takes up the space where two cars could fit. Of course, it also blocks our view, and our guests are forced to park far away.

Well, of course, our guests could park in front of their house. I've told a few friends to do this. They said our neighbors were outside at the time and glared at them as they got out of the car and walked over to our house.

I don't know what action to take. I thought of leaving a note, but I don't know what to say.

These neighbors are new to this country, and they kind of keep to themselves. I don't want to cause offense. I just want them to move their car!

--- Kristen

Dear --- Kristen,

I have a plan.

I’m assuming that your new neighbors are French because they sound like real assholes.

You may want a pen to write this down. Or I guess you could just print it.

First, you will need to get a cat. If you have one, great. If you do not, even better because cats are horrible pets. I have two and I would give you both of them for this if I had the chance. So if you do not have a cat, borrow one.

Now, you are going to need to find a dead cat that looks like your cat / your borrowed cat. They are all over the place so just get a cooler, some dry ice and put the dead cat in the cooler for transportation back to your freezer. Make sure it’s really dead or you’ll be really mad at yourself when that little fucker leaps out of the cooler and tears your eyes out.

Next, you’ll want to go to the neighbor’s house with the live cat in hand. Knock on the door and tell them that you saw them almost run over your cat when they parked in front of your house. Ask them if they would park on their side to avoid killing your cat. At this point, if they truly are French, they will ignore you.

The next time they park in your spot, thaw out the dead cat in the microwave (you may want to put some paper towels down) and then put the dead cat under their front wheel. Make sure you take lots of photos. Then go to their door and accuse them of killing your cat.

When they go to examine the dead cat, hit the red button on the remote control that detonates the explosive charge that you hid inside the dead cat’s body. Hopefully you’ll have used enough C4 to both kill the car owner and blow the car over on to their side of the street.

My work here is done.

Best of luck with the Frenchies!


Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.


PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge

Dear HolyJuan:

I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?


Logan Leadfoot

Dear Pb 12 inches,

Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.

Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.

Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.

Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.

Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:

228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081

I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.

The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.



She Asked HolyJuan

Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!

Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at

Ask HolyJuan: What Shall I Take in My Suitcase?

Dear HolyJuan,

What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.

Please help.


Warmest Regards,


Dear Larry,

Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?

I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.

1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.

2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.

3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”

4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.

5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.

So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”

Love and respectfully,


Ask HolyJuan: Girlfriend annoys boyfriend with word misuse (now with sexist bonus)

Dear Holyjuan,
Throughout the entire course of our relationship together, my girlfriend has been misusing a particular word. At first it was kind of cute and no one seemed to notice, so I let it go. But, recently she has increased her use of the word and its starting to drive me crazy. I want to know how to get the most out of this small, but oh so important shift in the balance of power. Do I spring it on her right before dinner with her parents? Or maybe in front of other people so they think I am more intelligent? This delicate situation where the man is right and the woman is wrong, so rarely happens, I thought you would be the person to best advise me and men everywhere on how to finally "take her down a peg".

Whipped and Wordy

Dear W & W,

The word is “taint” isn’t it? Every f’ing chick out there uses the word “taint” and they throw it around like they are “taint” experts or taintsperts. The word is CHODE folks. The chode is the area of the male body between the balls and the butthole. I’m not sure why people use the word taint except for the catchy phrase, “’Taint your balls and ‘taint your butt.”

Nevertheless, you are looking for a solution and I have one that I picked up from The Dog Whisperer: a choke collar. The next time you have dinner with her folks, present her with this gift. Call is a stainless steel necklace that represents your love for her. Make sure you mention that you paid extra for the attached leather strapette. Insist she put it on immediately and make sure you have a firm grip on the strap. With a flair, change the topic of conversation from Al Gore to parts of the body that rhyme with “faint.” As soon as she says “taint”, give the leash a jerk and say, “NO!” in a very commanding voice.

It is very important at this time that you do not correct her by saying “chode.” Just correct the bad behavior. She needs to correct herself. In this way, she will see you as the one guiding her and not forcing her.

In about six weeks, you will be able to remove the leash and just leave the collar on her. In this time, she will find herself not using the word “taint” and slowly beginning to freely say, “Chode.” I do not expect relapse, but if she does, reattach the leash and keep a rolled up newspaper around to give her some reinforcement on the nose.

You. Are. Welcome.


For the easily offended, I rewrote this entry so that the sexes of the two people were switched to cover up for my sexism.

Dear Holyjuan,
Throughout the entire course of our relationship together, my boyfriend has been misusing a particular word. At first it was kind of cute and no one seemed to notice, so I let it go. But, recently he has increased his use of the word and its starting to drive me crazy. I want to know how to get the most out of this small, but oh so important shift in the balance of power. Do I spring it on him right before dinner with his parents? Or maybe in front of other people so they think I am more intelligent? This delicate situation where the woman is right and the man is wrong, so rarely happens, I thought you would be the person to best advise me and women everywhere on how to finally "take him down a peg".

Whipped and Wordy

Dear W & W,

The word is “taint” isn’t it? Every f’ing dude out there uses the word “taint” and they throw it around like they are “taint” experts or taintsperts. The word is CHODE folks. The chode is the area of the male body between the balls and the butthole. I’m not sure why people use the word taint except for the catchy phrase, “’Taint your balls and ‘taint your butt.”

Nevertheless, you are looking for a solution and I have one that I picked up from The Dog Whisperer: a choke collar. The next time you have dinner with his folks, present him with this gift. Call is a stainless steel necklace that represents your love for him. Make sure you mention that you paid extra for the attached leather strapette. Insist he put it on immediately and make sure you have a firm grip on the strap. With a flair, change the topic of conversation from Al Gore to parts of the body that rhyme with “faint.” As soon as he says “taint”, give the leash a jerk and say, “NO!” in a very commanding voice.

It is very important at this time that you do not correct him by saying “chode.” Just correct the bad behavior. He needs to correct himself. In this way, he will see you as the one guiding him and not forcing him.

In about six weeks, you will be able to remove the leash and just leave the collar on him. In this time, he will find himself not using the word “taint” and slowly beginning to freely say, “Chode.” I do not expect relapse, but if he does, reattach the leash and keep a rolled up newspaper around to give him some reinforcement on the nose.

You. Are. Welcome.


Ask HolyJuan: How can I get more followers on Twitter?

Dear HolyJuan,

I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?

Yours truly,


Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,

You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.

Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).

I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.

Another issue I see is your profile photo.

By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.

Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.

Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.

You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ

How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.

Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.

Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.

So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.

You are welcome!

Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?

Dear HolyJuan,

My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.

My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.

Senior Blanco

Dear Sr. Blanco,

Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.

I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.

What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.

This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.



PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)

Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?

Dear HolyJuan,

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?


Sr. Blanco

P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?

Dear Senior Blanco,

Brilliant question, sir!

I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.

I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.

Now, on to my forte:

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Bristol Palin

Chelsea Clinton

I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.

Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:

All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.

You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.

So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.

Bristol Palin for the win!

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?



PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.

Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend

Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.

HolyJuan at

I know that 50% of my fans (one of you) have been asking me about HolyJuan apparel. Until recently, the only clothing you could buy was a pair of boxers with the stain that roughly looked like toast.

Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.

So far I only have one design.

Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.

Buy me.

Ask HolyJuan: Inhospitable in NYC

Dear Holy,
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.

What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?

Inhospitable in NYC

Dear In,

Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.

Moving on.

What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.

If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.

If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”

If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.

If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.

I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.



PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.

Ask HolyJuan: 614-GAY-IDOL

I understand that several of my readers do not have hands or are busy with their hands while reading my site.

I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.

Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!

Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it

Dear HolyJuan,

My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.

Fake Name

Dear Fake Name,

I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.

Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.

One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.

Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.

Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.

Take care,


PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.

Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog

Dear HolyJuan,

I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.

After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.

On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.

This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.

This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.

Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.

So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.

Dear Sleepy Scott,

I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.

First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.

Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.

Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.

Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!



PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.

Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.



PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.