Showing posts with label time travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time travel. Show all posts

Man planning to go back in time to keep Obama from winning election

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Rex Mullins is in his garage, wedged under a large, egg shaped metal contraption, tracing wires and looking for the short that was created during the last test run. “Got it!” He asks me to hand him a red spool of wire and some wire cutters. He remarks, “This will be so much easier for the past me to build this once I hand myself the instructions six years ago!”

Rex is building a time machine. His time travel plan is so off base that I am going to have him say it in his own words. “I plan on going back in time to kill Karl Rove so that John Kerry will win the 2004 Presidential election which will then, in turn, keep Obama from running and thus winning the 2008 Presidential election.” Rex elaborates, “Without Rove, Bush didn’t have a chance of winning. Rove masterminded the election turn around. He messed with the public polling. Heck, I think he rigged half the voting machines in Ohio. Without him, Bush won’t win in 2004 and Obama won’t run in 2008. Pretty ingenious if you ask me.”

We headed back inside Rex’s modest home while he took a break from building. He looked around the kitchen and said, “I like this place, but while I’m back in time I’m going to move my investments around. Dump them right before the bottom falls out. Once I get back to 2009, I’ll buy up a foreclosed mansion.”

Rex’s plan was hatched a few weeks ago when he happened to catch the first half of Back to the Future 3 right after watching an episode of Dr. Who. “Then it hit me. Get Kerry to win and no Obama.” Rex said he knew Kerry couldn’t win on his own, so he had to get Bush to lose. “That’s when it hit me… kill Rove in 2003 and no Bush win in 2004. I hate to kill a fellow Republican, but if that’s what it takes… I’ll do it.”

As Rex showed me around the house, we came upon some photographs. Rex became quiet as he stared a photo of an older woman. “My mother passed away the night Obama was elected. Some say it was chance. I think she died of a broken heart.” He picked the photo up looked for a moment before reflecting, “How many other elderly people died that election night? You people in the media laugh, but Obama’s been killing elderly folks even before his health care death panels are instituted. I plan to change that.”

As we headed back in the kitchen, I asked him why he didn’t just go back and knock off Obama. Rex laughed, “You haven’t read up on your time travel history. See, Obama’s the next Hitler, and you just can’t go back in time and kill Hitler cause then someone comes back in time a little earlier and kills you. This way, it’s nice and clean.”

When I asked him if perhaps Karl Rove had been brought back in time by a future Rex Mullins to help Bush win the 2004 election to keep Kerry from being elected. Rex mulled that over for a bit. “Damn. I never thought about it that way. Maybe it’s Rove that is the next Hitler and I’m just retracing mistakes made by a past time traveling me.” He got up and poured himself a glass of wine. After half a glass he came to terms with himself. “I’m going to stick to Plan A. If I see another me in the past, I guess I’ll just have to kill him too. I’d rather have Karl Rove Hitler than an Obama Hitler.”

Rex plans on going back in time next week.

“I first plan on traveling back to August 4, 1961 and destroying Obama’s birth certificate just to really piss him off.”

Time Travel Photo Fix

I got this e-mail from a reader:

Hello HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me out. A few weeks ago, I took this photo at my daughter's seventh birthday. To my embarrassment, the 7 is backwards in the photo.

Anyway you can fix this for me?



Here is the photo in question.

Dear Tina,

I think I can help you. Sadly, my pirated version of CorelDRAW is locked up and I cannot shop it for you.

BUT! My time machine is working. I'll just go back in time to a right before the photo is taken and turn it for you. Hold on just a minute...

OK, I'm back! Sorry that took so long. I stuck a round a few extra days and took a little vacation in the past. While there, I went all the way back to June to fix a little drunken incident at a party in Chicago. I'm sure no one will mind. Here is the photo!

Take care!


Tips for Meeting Your Future Self

At some point, time travel will be invented and your future self will come back to warn you about something. Be prepared by following these tips.

1. Have a secret question

Be wary of evil future selves or clones. If it is actually your future self, they will know the answer to the secret question; something only you would know. Like where you masturbated for the first time (in a bedroom closet.) Don’t make up a secret word (this can be figured out with future technology and “ditto” has been taken.) If your future self doesn’t remember the secret question, kill them with the really sharp knife in your boot.

2. Always carry a sharp knife in your boot.
See #1

3. Immediately ask for the winner of the 20XX Super Bowl.
Time travel will not be cheap and the only way you are going to make enough money to travel back in time is to make a shit load of money betting on sports. That will only happen if you know the actual results of the future games. Your future self will know this and they will have a prepared list of sporting events from the future (their past.) If your future self gives you some bullshit excuse like that it is against the “Laws of Time Travel” or that they are coming back in time to keep you from winning all that money and becoming a rich prick, kill them and analyze their blood to siphon off some futuristic antibiotic or cure-all medicines.

4. Cross your arms and give your future self a disapproving look.
It worked for my friend Erik.

5. Kill your future self

Your future self is nothing but trouble. They’re all full of “doom and gloom” and “don’t do this” and “don’t eradicate that race of peoples.” As soon as your future self answers the secret question, get the future sports questions from them and then kill them with the gun in your other boot (they will know that you keep a knife in your boot and have some sort of futuristic knife protection on.) Collect their blood for testing and then dispose of the body.

6. Always carry a gun in your boot, but forget about it so your future self won’t know you have it.
(See #5.)

7. Get a shit load of insurance on yourself.
Once your future self arrives and before you kill them with the boot gun that you have forgotten about, have them over to your crappy apartment/house and while they are asleep, get a whole lot of insurance out on yourself. Get an ungodly amount of coverage and name yourself as the beneficiary (most insurance companies will completely go for this as they will think it is impossible for you to collect on your own death.) Go back and complete step #5 (except for the dispose of the body) and collect the money for your own death. And don’t let the insurance company claim that it was suicide because you killed yourself.

8. On second thought, kill your future self immediately
Your future self is older and cannot get the level of chick/guy you are dating/married to. In their future, they are having sex with an older, uglier, fatter version of your current lover. They will feel inclined to have sex with your current significant lover because banging your lover in the past is not cheating. Kill them before they have a chance to kill you and get their hands on your younger, hotter, less fat suitor. Use the grenade you have in your back pocket that you must forget about because you can’t seem to forget the gun and the knife and your future self is wearing a bullet proof vest with futuristic knife proof clothing.

9. (I was kidding about the grenade… make it a crossbow)
See #8. Your future self will plan for the grenade and you can surprise them with the crossbow. REALLY...FORGET ABOUT THE CROSSBOW NOW to trick your future self!

10. Plan ahead
The fact that your future self does appear means that at some time in your future you will travel back in time. BE PREPARED! Wear knife proof clothing (available in the future) and a bullet proof vest as well as a nano grenade shield. Take condoms so you can bang your past lover when they were younger and hotter and thinner. Ensure that you send a clone first to make sure your past self is not going to kill you. Before you travel back in time, ingest a boat load of gingko biloba so that if you do die, people in the past will analyze your blood and think it is a cure-all. Write down the past ten years of Super Bowl scores and then change them to fuck with your past self. Lastly, remember that your past self has some kind of medieval weapon strapped to his/her back… I can’t remember which one for some reason, but be prepared for anything.