An easily digestible listing of the Rotten Tomatoes Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films

I love the Rotten Tomatoes movie review website. They take a large number of movie reviews and cram them all in one spot. I highly suggest you check out their site.

They recently posted the Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films. The problem with this list is that they used a complicated formula based on reviewer ratings to get the top 100. By reviewing the list, you’ll note that this system is flawed. The other problem is that the interface is clunky. To save time and more time, I’ve listed them out here.

100. Escape From the Planet of the Apes (1971)
99. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
98. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
97. The Thing (1982)
96. A Boy and His Dog (1975)
95. Dark Star (1974)
94. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
93. Dreamscape (1983)
92. It Came From Outer Space (1953)
91. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
90. Death Race 2000 (1975)
89. War of the Worlds (2005)
88. Flash Gordon (1980)
87. Return of the Jedi (1983)
86. Starman (1984)
85. Innerspace (1987)
84. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
83. Signs (2002)
82. Dark City (1998)
81. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
80. The War of the Worlds (1953)
79. Total Recall (1990)
78. Gattaca (1997)
77. Videodrome (1983)
76. X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)
75. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)
74. Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)
73. Alphaville (1965)
72. Seconds (1966)
71. Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
70. Time After Time (1979)
69. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
68. The Abyss (1989)
67. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
66. Escape from New York (1981)
65. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954
64. Pi (1997)
63. The Thing (1951)
62. Jurassic Park (1993)
61. Open Your Eyes (1997)
60. Robocop (1987)
59. Altered States (1980)
58. The Brother From Another Planet (1984)
57. Planet of the Apes (1968)
56. Westworld (1973)
55. Fantastic Voyage (1966)
54. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
53. They Live (1988)
52. Save The Green Planet! (2005)
51. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
50. Things to Come (1936)
49. District B13 (2006)
48. Serenity (2005)
47. Donnie Darko (2001)
46. Delicatessen (1991)
45. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
44. 12 Monkeys (1995)
43. Re-Animator (1985)
42. 2046 (2005)
41. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
40. THX 1138 (1971)
39. The Fly (1986)
38. Time Bandits (1982)
37. Them! (1954)
36. Blade Runner (1982)
35. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
34. Forbidden Planet (1956)
33. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
32. The Matrix (1999)
31. The Invisible Man (1933)
30. Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
29. Ghostbusters (1984)
28. Men in Black (1997)
27. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
26. Young Frankenstein (1974)
25. Gojira (1954)
24. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
23. Sleeper (1973)
22. Back to the Future (1985)
21. Repo Man (1984)
20. Mad Max (1979)
19. Frankenstein (1931)
18. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. Solaris (1972)
16. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
15. The Terminator (1984)
14. Brazil (1985)
13. Galaxy Quest (1999)
12. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
11. The Road Warrior (1981)
10. Aliens (1986)
9. Star Wars (1977)
8. The Host (2007)
7. Children of Men (2006)
6. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
5. Minority Report (2002)
4. Alien (1979)
3. Metropolis (1926)
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

At some point I will have to put these in the correct order. The Matrix in at 32nd? You've got to be kidding me.


I got a job.

Thanks to everyone who helped and provided support by buying me drinks.

I'll be working Tue, Thur and Sat at Sirens in Columbus, OH. My stage name is Peaches.

10 things that no one really gives a crap about

What music that shuttle astronauts wake up to

Anything libertarians have an opinion about

Ending a sentence in a preposition

Spelling and grammar in the comments section

Hemp (no one really gives a crap about hemp, they just want marijuana legalized)

Salt (salt used to be as bad as cigarettes... what happened?)

Manners (that sucks, but again, no one cares that it sucks)

What your kid did that was cute/funny

People who smoke all their lives dying from cancer

Your Blog

Thank you Lia. Thank you Meshell.

Over a year ago Lia suggested I start this site. I thought she was nuts.

Soon after the site was up, she suggested I get business cards. I thought she was nuts.

Last night, as a complete surprise, Meshell gave me a box of the HolyJuan business cards we had been designing.

I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in a year!” Meshell said, “Wasn’t your baby girl born less than a year ago.”

I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in the past six months!”

You can print these up and hand them out to your friends and/or enemies.

The B & B

I didn’t have a lot of sex in college. Most of my friends think I did. My MO was to hook up, make out for a while and stick around third base without trying to steal home. That was actually my selling point. After about an hour at the bar of “I think I like you” and the next hour of “I think you like me” and about an hour before “I think we should get out of here” I would drop the, “I don’t think we should have sex” line. I think it opened a lot of doors. And pantses.

Telling a girl that you don't want to have sex takes away the pressure and anxiety. It allows you to have fun and know that you all ready have some pre-determined boundaries that don't need to be discussed. When the anxiety and pressure are off, the girl will be relaxed and then hopefully have sex with you.

Of course, telling a girl you don’t want to have sex and then having her want sex removes all guilt (if any) associated with the act. If you say you don’t wanna, but then you do because she wanna, it’s not your fault. It’s not. Really.

My very good friend, Handsome Joe, had a theory about hooking up. Less of a theory and more of a goal. He called it “The Bed and Breakfast.” Any dude can hook up; leave a sock lost somewhere in bed and do the walk of shame home. It’s genetic and it’s easy. Getting the girl to make you breakfast, now that was classy. You couldn’t ask for breakfast either. She had to suggest it. She had to make it. Cold cereal in the living room would get you in the club. Bacon and eggs was golden. Going out for breakfast didn’t count, but it did if she made you a pop tart and shoved you out the door. The Bed and Breakfast. The B & B.

There were several offshoots from the B & B. Joe had a B, B & B when he stayed at the girl’s apartment through an early lunch (The Bed, Breakfast and Brunch.) I once had the B & B with Grocery after I spent the night at a girl’s apartment during finals before winter break. We made out (the not having sex line stuck) and the next morning she made me eggs. She then asked if I wanted any food from her refrigerator as her finals were up and she was heading home. All that food would go to waste. Would I like to take it home? Of course I would. The B & B Grocery.

One fine spring evening at Ohio University, Handsome Joe and I went out to the bars. While having a few beers, a young lady that Joe knew came up and started talking to us. Joe quickly disappeared to the back of the crowded bar with her (The Good Cop always gets the first girl) and I was left mostly alone. As it turned out, my friend Greg was sitting up at the bar. This was a good sign. Greg and I were friends from high school, but we never saw each other out much at Ohio University. It was a good sign because the other two times I saw Greg out at the bars, I hooked up soon afterwards. I’d cut his foot off and wear it around my neck if it weren’t so big. And I guess it would be pretty bloody and stumpy, too.

As Greg and I drank at the bar, Trobes showed up. Trobes was 6’0” of long blonde hair and German ancestry. Trobes kinda liked me. I kinda liked Trobes. We had hooked up in the past (no breakfast yet.) As she sat in my lap at the bar (which was an odd combination of pleasure and boner crushing pain) she told Greg the 2nd greatest compliment I’ve ever received.

“Doug is the best necker in the world.” Wow. Honestly, I consider that a great compliment.

Several drinks afterwards, we left the bar. I had not seen Joe since he walked off and he could take care of himself. I asked Trobes if I could walk her home. She said yes. We walked back to her apartment.

Neither of Trobes' two roommates were home. We went to her bedroom.

{I need to note here that Trobes had a king sized bed. It took up most the room and shit it was big. I think she had an automatic sheet dispenser under the end because you could pull and pull at the sheets and they would just keep coming and coming.}

As we were making out, we heard one of Trobes’ roommates come in. Alone. A few minutes later her other roommate came home. Not so alone. They hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes and then retired to the room next door.

The making of the out continued and my Jedi mind trick about not wanting to have sex worked too well. Oh well… we had fun. I guess that’s what you get for being the best necker.

The next morning we woke up and chatted as we lounged around on the Eastern Plains of her bed. We could hear the lucky roommate chatting with her man. I did the “Shave and a Hair Cut” knock on the wall. They replied with a punctual “knock, knock.” Here is where you learn that I have a distinctive laugh. One that can be heard through a wall. One that Handsome Joe knows well. I laughed. The guy from the other side of the wall said, “Doug?”


A minute later we were mostly dressed (where was my sock?) and all in the roommate’s room laughing and figuring out what happened the previous night. At some point, the roommate asked, “Do you guys want breakfast?”

Eggs. Bacon. Pancakes. The Bed Bed & Breakfast Breakfast. Or the Double B & B as it’s known in some circles. We couldn’t stop grinning as we sat, scrunched at the small round table in their kitchen, fork and knife in hand. Waiting. Watching the girls’ backs as they cooked at the stove.


Open up any phone book to the yellow pages and you’ll see some sort of B & B business. Usually it’s a B and B Lawn Service or a B & B Auto Repair Shop. While you are driving around the city or through some small town, you’ll see the B & B on a slick, produced graphic or hand painted sign. It always takes me back.

The Powers that Be

Doug, Jen, Andy and Dave.

Juliano stuck her head into the photo. At first we were pissed. Now I think we are glad she did.

My American Accent

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far)


("Midland" is not necessarily the same thing as "Midwest") The default, lowest-common-denominator American accent that newscasters try to imitate. Since it's a neutral accent, just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from the Midland.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

See, I've got the voice to be a weatherman. Now I just need to git learned about rain and such.

Great parking job!!

This photo was taken on my cell phone in my office parking lot.

The World's Worst Haiku

No toilet paper
Used a wad of hair from trash
The Aristocrats!

Scanner up and running

I got the scanner up and running!

Sadly, I cannot get my anything funny up and running. This is the best it is going to get today.

Paris Hilton baby photo

Computer Woes

In the midst of job searching and writing and attempting to become famous, my computer has crashed pretty damn hard.

I bought a new hard drive and reinstalled XP while attempting to bring the old drive back to life. I've got the old files, but can't get the HD to boot. I'm guessing my programs are toast.

Service pack 2 is 112 megs? Damn...

New Club

Famous Chicks I Get to Bang List (Updated)

I think it was a Friends episode where Ross had a list of famous women he was given permission by his spouse/fiancé to sleep with given the unlikely opportunity.

Well heck. As it turns out there is a name for it: A Laminated List . It seems quite popular.

Well, my list only has three and it is not laminated, so it is subject to change. My previous list was:

Christina Ricci
Leelee Sobieski
Melissa Joan Hart

I am officially updating the list to reflect the following:

Ricci stays at the top
LeeLee moves into the third spot
Ms. Hart is off the list
Sarah Silverman moves into the second spot

Given that the list doesn’t have any particular order, I realized that it actually does. In the off chance that I seduce both Sarah Silverman and Christina Ricci at the same after party, I’m going to have to choose one or the other as the list does not allow for threesomes. In this situation, I would consult the list, note the order, bang Ricci as I smile politely shrug to Sarah Silverman.

The key is to keep the old lists with the new, just in case you see your past listees on the set of a B-list reality show. I think I still have the original, yellowed hand printed list with:

Alyssa Milano
The Little Mermaid
Molly Ringwald

Paris Hilton: Judge's Orders with hand written comments


The Power (and cost) of Soup

Well crap.

Last year at this time, Meshell and I were talking about me publishing a children’s book. She had an illustration called The Power of Soup and I wrote a story about it with the same title.

I also registered With all the money that was going to be coming my way, I thought it was prudent.

I made only one (failed) attempt at getting the story published and gave up.

I received three or four e-mails about the site subscription coming to an end. Each one a reminder that I was a lazy fuck. I just wanted it to die.

Well it didn’t…

Dear Douglas,
Customer Number: 7574832312

We just want to let you know we've automatically renewed the following items according to our agreement:
Product Name Unit Price Qty Total Price
------------ ---------- --- -----------
.COM Domain Name Renewal - 1 Year $ 8.95 1 $ 9.17

The automatic renewal was on. Crap.

So, for someone who does not believe in fate, I am going to make the best of this. I’ll re-write and re-submit.

Maybe we will look back at this and laugh. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Egotistical Bastard

As of 9:07 on 6/7/07, I am the number one search return for the phrase Egotistical Bastard on Google.

Egotistical Bastard

Finally... some respect.

Unemployed stuff to do list

419 Scambaiting – Part 4 {UPDATED 6-6-07}

{Author's note: This is update number four to the continuing correspondence between a scam artist and our friend, Frank Stein. Check out for some other great examples of scambaiting.}

A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.

Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.

Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.

Here is our continuing correspondence.

The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}

Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address:

Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded.


Mr. John Freeman

NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.


Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM

Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond

Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.

I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.

Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.

You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.

John Freeman


Hello John,

Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?

As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.

Join me in prayer:

Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.

Praise God,

Frank Stein

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,

If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.

John Freeman

Dear Mr. Freeman,

The Lord frowns upon you this day.

A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.

Beware God's wrath if you are lying!

God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!

Pray with me:

Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.

In your loving name,

Frank Stein

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with

Hello Frank,

Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.

As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.

Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.

Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.

John Freeman


Hello John,

'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31

I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.

'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22

Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?

'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell

Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.

Frank (please call me by my first name.)

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter

Hello Frank,

I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.

Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.

I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.

John Freeman

Hello John,

Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!

When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.

I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!

God Bless!


Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,

How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.

Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.

If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.

John Freeman

Brother John,

Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...

Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:

Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.

I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.

Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.

I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.

Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,

Frank Stein


Hello Frank,

Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.

Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.

Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.

John Freeman


Greetings Brother John,

Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.

Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}

Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.

I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.

Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.

In God be praised,


--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged

Hello Frank,

I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.

Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.

John Freeman

{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}


{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}

Hello John,

May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.

You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!

So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.

You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?

Pray with me now:

Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.



Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)

PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!

Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today

Hello Frank,

I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.

I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman

Hello John,

Today is a bad day to call.

I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.

Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!

Dear Lord,

Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.


Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.

I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!

In my loving arms,

Frank Stein

--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------

{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}

God frowns upon you this day my friend.

You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.

Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.

Pray with me:

Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.



Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project

Hello Frank,

I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.

I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.

I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.

John Freeman


Dear Brother Freeman,

I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.

I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!

Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.

Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.

Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.

Amen and Praise Jesus!!!


Frank Stein

PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.

--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.

Hello Frank,

I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.

You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.

I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.

John Freeman


Hello John Freeman,

I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.

The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.

I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!

I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.

I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.

Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.

Please pray with me,

Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!


Frank Stein

Al Muhafa's Bomb Supplies

Not really the color I expected...

Greg Monster spits a rainbow

Greg Monster spits a rainbow, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Greg Monster terrifies the locals with his destructive rainbow breath.

Orson Welles drunk

My favorite part is either the mumbling or the fingering of the bottle during the third take.

I will never forget.

{Author's Note: The names have been changed in this article.}

I walked out of my house on Saturday morning, preparing to mow the lawn. It was going to rain later and I wanted to get it out of the way. I stuffed my iPod in my front pocket and adjusted the ear buds. I could not help but notice the thirteen year old neighbor girl walking up our driveway with a cordless phone in her hand. She looked panicked, but was polite.

“Henry fell down and my mom needs your help.”

Henry lives across the street from me. He’s an older dude and very nice. He and his wife June are always interested in our kids. Our conversations always start with us yelling across the street, but I usually walk over and we chit chat for a minute or two. Nothing heavy. Lawn. Sidewalk maintenance. Gutters.

I ran across the street and through the front door. Mary was on Henry's stairs. She is the mom of the thirteen year old. She said, “Henry’s in the bathroom. I can’t move him.”

In the background, I hear Henry’s wife loudly crying and praying.

My heart is racing and I leap up the stairs. I had been in Henry’s house, but never upstairs. I expect to see a guy with a broken hip.

He was wearing shorts and sock and shoes, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, oddly twisted with his arms under him. No shirt. When I saw him earlier, I was going to poke fun of him mowing the lawn without his shirt on. It had been very hot that morning.

Mary said again, “I can’t move him" and then "I don’t think he’s breathing.”

I stand over him and reach under his arms and pull him up and over. Over and on to his back. He is heavy. His face is purple. There is blood and mucus on his face and the floor.

I realize that Mary is on the phone and she has been the whole time. She’s speaking to a 911 operator. She asks me, “Do you know CPR?”

I haven’t trained in CPR since the ninth grade. But I watch TV. “Not really. Kinda. I can try.”

I reach up and grab a hand towel off the wall. It is yellow. I wipe the blood and mucus from around his open, slack mouth. His face is very purple. I open his mouth and angle mine to his. I breathe into his mouth.

Blood and mucus shoot out of his nose and over the side of my face. I forgot to pinch his nose shut.

“Do I pinch his nose shut?”


I pinch and breathe again. His chest rises and when I pull back, my air come back out his mouth, gurgling. I breathe in again and gag. I almost throw up. It is a reflex and I can’t control it. I adjust my stance and move to pump his heart.

I place my hands on his chest over his heart and push down. I break his ribs. They are bending and cracking under my hands. I can feel them shifting as I compress his chest. But I have to keep pushing. I actually start to count like it matters.

Two. Three. Four. Five.

I switch to breathing in his mouth. Mary reminds me to sweep his mouth. I turn his head and clear out mucus and blood and what might have been some vomit. I align my mouth to his. My teeth and his teeth click together. A feeling cannot forget. His chest rises and sags with my breaths. I ask Mary what ratio of breaths to compressions. I do not hear what she says.

I compress his chest again. The grating of his ribs together is less repugnant. I am getting used to this. I am getting very tired. I expect him to start breathing on his own. He does not.

This goes on for less than five minutes.

I hear the front door. Someone runs up the stairs.

The medic calmly says, “Let’s bring him in the hallway.”

We lift his body and carry it. He’s much lighter when lifted by two.

The tech determines that the hallway is too small and we pick him up again and carry him to the bedroom as four or five other paramedics rush into the house.

They are in control.

I walk out of their bedroom and walk down the stairs and across the street. I am mostly holding back the sobbing. I walk into my house and wash my mouth and face in the kitchen sink, trying not to let Greg see me so upset. Our hand towel is white with green stripes.

Later, the lead paramedic stopped by our house and had very kind words. He thanked me for helping and said that there was nothing we could do. He took down my name for his report.

Henry died of a massive heart attack. He was 67.

I had a beer with Erik tonight. My bottle hit my teeth as I was taking a drink. I will never forget.