Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts

Hollywood Running Out of 555 Phone Numbers

HOLLYWOOD- Representatives from all arenas in Hollywood are shuddering at the prospect that the quantity of 555-XXXX phone numbers is running dangerously low.

Phil Ausherman, Writers’ Guild spokesperson, stated Wednesday that, “The Studio analysts have determined that there are only twelve or thirteen 555 phone numbers left.” He elaborated, “I’m sure that years ago they thought that 10,000 fake phone numbers would last forever. Now we’re down to a couple unrealistic numbers like 555-2424. Audiences would immediately pick that out as fake and then the whole suspension of disbelief thingy is right out the window.”

The phone companies suggested that studios begin using the prefix 555 so that the average Tommy or Jenny wouldn’t be getting phone calls in the middle of the night asking for a Private Eye or Unwilling Hero.

The lower end numbers got used up first as screenwriters are lazy and actors had trouble dialing 555-9989 on rotary dials. Mr. Ausherman suggested that any taxi in a film got the easy to remember 555-7777 or 555-2222 numbers. “No movie scriptwriter has been audacious enough to suggest that the phone number 555-5555 could be real, even in a movie.”

For a while, the number 555-2368 was reused over and over in films. With the advent of the internet, movie goers are now keen to the number and are quick to call it out. Acting coach Sally Byers related, “There’s nothing worse that having a dramatic hostage standoff negotiation scene killed by someone in the theater yelling out, ‘That’s the Ghostbuster’s number!” So the practice of reusing numbers has been phased out and now the unused numbers are almost gone.

Some filmmakers encourage the use of letters for the last four digits, but Ausherman countered, “There are probably only 20 or so four letter words that aren’t dirty. Besides, what chick flick would have the heroine giving out her number as 555-MUNG or 555-LIPS?”

When I questioned Mr. Ausherman about increasing the number of phone numbers by including area codes he said it wasn’t realistic. “Who gives out their area code with their phone number? Besides, nothing happens outside the 323 anyways.”

10 Movies that Make a Manly Man Cry

Though my manliness boils from my pores like a dropped bottle of Old Rasputin, I have my moments of weakness where I cry like a little girl. It used to only be during AT&T long distance commercials, but now I have a list of movies that cause me to weep.

No real man doesn’t tear up when the team places their jerseys on coach’s desk or openly weep at the end when they carry Rudy off the field.

Big Fish
The first time I watched Big Fish, I cried at the ending. Now when I watch the film, I cry at the beginning, knowing how it will end. Afterwards, I drink tea and cuddle up in an afghan with a good book, waiting for my menses to begin.

Field of Dreams
“Hey! Dad? You want to have a catch?” I’m tearing up just writing that line. (I'm still waiting for James Earl Jones to come out of the cornfield.)

Terms of Endearment
I haven’t seen this flick in years, but I recently caught the end and had to turn it off when the mom lays down The Truth on the kids. I love the part when Mom’s Mom flips out at the nurses for the daughter’s pain medication. "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"

Mel Gibson runs and runs to try and save his childhood friend. In the end it is all for naught. “How fast are you going to run?” Not fast enough. Now that I know I’m going to cry at the end, I get choked up at the rendition of "Au Fond du Temple Saint" in the middle.

My Girl
Macaulay Culkin gets killed by bees. Little Vada wants to put his glasses on. He was going to be an acrobat.

Rocky dead in bed is heartbreaking. SPOILER WARNING! That first sentence is kinda a spoiler. Don’t read it if you have not seen the film.

Ordinary People
I love Mary Tyler Moore in this film. She is drowned in her own selfish grief. Older bro is just drowned.

Good Will Hunting
Obviously films with psychologists and troubled sons get me all verklempt.

Highlander II: The Quickening
I cried only because this movie was completely and utterly horrible. I will never think about this movie again unless I am being anally raped in prison and need to imagine that somewhere in the world, someone is watching that appalling movie and doing worse than me.

Saving Private Ryan
A Perfect World

Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food

Dear Holy Juan~

Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.

I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.


Dear ~Marcie,

The correct answer is Swedish Fish.

And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.

I hope this helps!

Your friend,


HolyJuan's Top Ten Movies

Here are my Top Ten movies in no particular order, except for number 11 which ended up in a three way tie for not making the top ten list.

Big Fish
The Matrix
The Royal Tennenbaums
Princess Bride
Say Anything
Blade Runner
The Shawshank Redemption
Raiders of the Lost Ark

And in a tie for eleventh:
Terminator 2, Rushmore and Life Aquatic