Perpendicular Speed Trap

As I leave my house in the car, my road dead ends into the main street that runs through our neighborhood. There must have been some calamity with them crazy kids speeding thorugh the area on that main street because the city put up a speed detector with a large readout that says "SPEED LIMIT 25; YOUR SPEED XX" with XX being your speed.

The radar is set up in such a way that it will clock my speed as I slow down to stop at the intersection. My street is perpendicular to the radar so I know they weren't trying to measure speed on my street, it's just a coincidence that is can also tell my speed.

So for the past few mornings, I've been trying to see what speed I can reach before I have to stop at the sign. My record so far is 32.

I'll let you know when I get into an accident or when they set the radar up on my street because of the new speeding complaints.

Fresh Doug

Years ago, I lived in Boston for the summer. I worked at the Boston Museum of Science and was quickly absorbed into the Marketing department as one of their own. I was always very good at quickly locating the people that like to drink.

Their department and associated friends in the museum would go out for drinks after work on "Thirstdays" to one of several nearby bars. I was invited and was excited to attend.

Within the marketing department was another Doug. There was a very obvious way to tell us apart, but I think it would have been awkward to always call me "White Doug." In the mean time they just called me the other Doug or similar.

On my way into work one morning, I was driving through the outskirts of the city and in the distance I could see a billboard that was partially blocked by a building in front of it. As I drove forward, more of the sign was revealed. The very obvious part of the sign said "FRESH." As I drove the letters "D" "O" and "U" were revealed. Then "G."


For that instant I thought I was awesome.

Then my euphoria was ruined as the last letter appeared. "H"


The sign was for a bakery. They have fresh dough and like to share that information with possible customers.

At the next Thirsday event, I shared this story with my new friends. As with most my stories, I told it with such excitement that they almost expected to hear that instead of the "H," it was my photo that appeared on the end of FRESH DOUG. Then I got to the end and that was it. They laughed at the story and they laughed at me.

And then from that day on my nickname was Dough and that took care of the Dougs issue.

The Phrase That Will Always Piss You Off

I work in an environment where customers enter our place of business and we treat them like guests. We like to have a positive, safe environment for all our guests.

Recently, as I was walking through the building on the mezzanine level, I came upon a man with two children. The children were both between two and three years old. I immediately noticed that the man was setting one child up on a ledge that over looked the first floor. From that ledge it is about a 20 foot fall on to carpet that isn't all that energy absorbent. While this wasn't the smartest move in the world, it wasn't all that dangerous if he held on to her. I started in his direction so that I could stand near him in the hopes that he might get the non-verbal message that he was not exactly being safe.

And that is when he let go of her and turned around to pick up child number two. Child number two had wandered about seven feet away so the man started to walk away from the first child on the ledge.

I hastened forward and said, "Sir! Sir! That is not very safe!"

He turned to me as he picked up child two and quickly stepped back to the girl on the ledge. He paused for a second wondering if he should now stick kid number two up on the ledge. I'm sure at this point he realized that he was not being very safe and made up his mind to take the child off the ledge. I continued to try and talk to him into taking the girl down and I said, possibly using the wrong phrasing, "Sir, I do not think it is wise to put your kids up there."

He put the second kid down and in reaching for the girl he said flatly, "Calm down, pal."

The phrase had the exact opposite effect.

I read once that the phrase "calm down" is offensive in every language. I have to agree. Tacking on a "pal" was just enraging. I immediately went red. Luckily, I am trained in the art of guest services and I focused my rage and turned it into a big smile. I flattened most of my canine teeth in the process. I waited until he took the girl off the ledge and turned and walked away with a "Have a good rest of your visit."

Two or three people in the office got to hear that story in my efforts to cool off. Sure, maybe suggesting that the guy wasn't wise could have been poor word choice. He was probably embarrassed at his actions.

But for that split second after he said "calm down, pal," I could have cared less about him or his kids. That's a powerful phrase. I'm going to try it on a few folks and see if I can get my ass kicked.

Ask HolyJuan: Spicy Pepperoni

Hi, I have a package of Pepperoni that I want to make it hot and spicy,, what can I soak it in. Please help.

Pat j.

Dear Pat j.,

Clever. Very clever, MISTER HORMEL!! I know it's you! You and that stinking over priced Tabasco Brand laced Pepperoni in the stinking 5 ounce package. I outed you months ago and now you come crawling back to good ol' HolyJuan seeking advice about how you can make your rotten spicy pepperoni on the cheap!

Well I'll tell you how to make it hot and spicy. Use Frank's RedHot! I use Frank's on almost everything I want to give a nice, but not too hot, spicy kick.

Step One:
Buy pepperoni (you own a pepperoni company so I assume you do not need to buy it. Just walk out on the factory floor and grab a handful.)

Step Two:
Buy some Frank's RedHot (Don't let the Tabasco people see you buy it... that would be breach of contract.)

Step Three:
Put eight (not five) ounces of pepperoni in a plastic bag

Step Four:
Through a proprietary process, infuse the pepperoni with Frank's RedHot.

Step Five:
Sell it for the same price as your other eight ounce products.

Step Six:

There, I fixed it for you!



Clay Pipe Bomb

I’ll just start this out by saying that the names have been changed.

Lewis, Tony and Seth had planned on going toilet papering. They had saved up a large number of rolls of toilet paper and had a pretty good plan of attack. They waited until after midnight and then snuck out of Lewis’ house. Their plan was to cut through some yards, cross a major intersection, hit two houses and then get back home.

After running for about two blocks of back yards, Seth had everyone stop. Seth relayed that they had to go back so he could go the bathroom.

No way. They couldn’t risk sneaking back in and out again. Seth really had to go. Tony said they had toilet paper so he should just go and wipe. Seth said he couldn’t just poop on the ground. Nearby was a stack of clay drainage pipes. They were about 12” long and 5” in diameter. He found one that had dirt blocking one end and stood up on the ground. It was almost perfect as the dirt not only made a plug, but it also helped to keep the pipe standing upright. Seth filled the pipe with fecal goodness and wiped. The pipe was then stuffed with toilet paper and they were on their way.

What happened next is debatable. Some say it was Tony’s idea and others say it was Tony’s idea. I am not here to place blame on Tony. I am here to tell you about the pool.

Next to where Seth filled the clay pipe was a hill and at the bottom of the hill was a house with a very nice in ground pool. From the top of the hill you could easily see how clean and inviting the water was as it was lit and glimmering in the darkness. The boys did not have time to go swimming, but they did have time to hurl that pipe filled with foul into the pool.

It made a tremendous splash and immediately the dirt, or similar, started to swirl and sprout from the end of the pipe.

The boys giggled and ran off to tp.

They tp’d without incident.

On the way back, they looked at the pool.

The casual observer would look and think they were looking at a paler version of the chocolate river from the set of Willy Wonka. The water was very, very brown. They were speechless. Speechlessly, they ran home.

The next day they slept in all morning and wanted to go and check out their tp handiwork from the night before. Overnight, the pool struggled and strained to filter the water, but it only succeeded to spreading the foulness evenly, especially in thick brown ring along the top.

A day later the pool was emptied and professionals came in with brushes to scrub the sides clean.

The pool was filled with water.

The brown ring came back.

Again emptied. Professionals. Scrub. Filled.

A third time the ring came back.

The boys didn’t check out the pool again until later in the summer. When they did go to look for it, they almost didn’t see it because it had been filled in and covered with dirt. The owners had completely given up.

I’m not here to judge. I will not place blame. All I can say is that the statute of limitations has passed and from the satellite view you cannot even tell that a pool once had a home there.

HolyJuan: Guest Poet

I received an e-mail from a reader named Tom who thought that his poem, that was created in 1992 with the help of his buddy Jim, would be suitable for printing on my site. On the day I agreed to do so, he became very ill and will be out of commission for a few days while he pees blood. I believe that this is what they call in the story telling business, foreshadowing. is not responsible for the poem's content nor any aneurism you might have reading this:

I don’t give a fuck

I don’t care if you run a mile

I don’t care if you french kiss a vertical smile

I don’t care if you smell like a pile

I don’t care if your shaped like a pear

If you have no hair

Or suck off a bear

I don’t care if you swallow a puck

Or your fingers stuck

Because I don’t give a fuck

I don’t care if you pet the beaver or analy penetrate Mrs. Cleaver

I don’t care if you keep heads in a freezer

I don’t care if you have genital warts or drink bull seaman by the quarts

I have no fear that you ride a steer or have a bumpy gourd stuck in your ear

I don’t care if you’re a candy striper or wear a diaper

I don’t care if your ass sucks canal water or if you know Barry Goldwater

Don’t give a fuck that you’re out of luck or fuck six albino bikers in the back of a truck

I don’t care if you’re a loner or if you knit a sweater for your boner

If you fondle a baker or bury a Quaker

If you’re under house arrest or shave a dinner guest, if you think your smart or smell like an elk fart

If you have cauliflower ear or field dress a deer

I don’t care if you’ve got a good lawyer or an incredibly large goiter

If you eat perch or enjoy a generous cavity search

If you stand naked in an elevator with a machete, or Jell-O wrestle with Mario Andretti

If you act loony or give unmerciful enemas to Rosemary Clooney

If your always on the go, or grab your nose with pliers and scream “look I’m Moe!”

I don’t care if you sing with inflection or go to the Vatican for a free wiener inspection

If you eat a rancid pudding pie or braid the butt hair of your local rabbi

And I don’t care if your uncle wears a hood and his motto is “Hitler bad sausage good!”

Because you suck

And I don’t give a fuck

Bear and the BJ

Time was moving very slowly. I was very uncomfortable. I had another thirty minutes of this. After that there would be explosive violence. Time was moving very slowly.


The roofing company I worked for had a couple of trucks that we took on roofing jobs. A large truck with removable, fenced sides for carrying materials. A large pick up truck for tools. And a little son-of-a-bitch Subaru diesel flatbed. The Subaru had more of a wooden back seat than a truck bed. The trucks all used to be white. The guys who did plumbing jobs had newer trucks with newer paint jobs. The roofers got the shit trucks. Well, perhaps we got good trucks and just treated them like shit. Bear was driving the Subaru and I was in the only other seat.

Bear was just passing though town. He was a trucker without a truck. He had been in Lancaster for a few months and with the roofing company for about a month. I’m sure they called him Bear because he was huge and because he was furry. He was one of those guys that told you what his nickname was without mentioning his real one. I'm sure he had something to hide. He was a talker or a sawbitch as Miss Sally would have called him. He had big plans. Driving munitions for the Army. Carrying hazardous cargo for the government. Each “job” was exciting, dangerous and paid a shitload of money. I don’t know why then he was driving my ass to a roofing job in a Subaru for $8.50 an hour.

About $4.25 into the morning, Bear and I were heading down to Logan, OH to the GE plant to continue a roofing job. We had all met at the shop, loaded the trucks and divided up for the trip down. I got stuck with Bear. As we headed out of town, he pulled off the highway into a residential neighborhood I was unfamiliar with. I asked where we were going. “My girlfriend’s house.” We pulled up to a little green house in the neighborhood and he got out with his coffee mug. “Be right back.” I waited. Be right back turned out to be fifteen minutes. Just enough time to fill his coffee cup and get a BJ. He got back in all smiles and laughs. I pretended to be asleep. We headed south to the jobsite.

The Subaru did have one good attribute. It had a choke. And when you were going down the highway, pulling on the choke would emit copious amounts of smoke out the tailpipe. Because the top speed of the Subaru was 58 MPH, many people would ride our ass. I’d yell, “Give um the smoke!” and the driver would pull the choke and bury the unlucky bastard behind us.

A week later, I found myself in the Subaru again. This time with Mark. Mark was a plumber who was working as a roofer until a plumbing job opened up. He felt like the owner of the company was keeping him back and not promoting him. Especially when they hired another plumber without offering him the job. I think he spent his entire life picking himself up and dusting off after some bully pushed him down.

We loaded up the trucks with roofing materials and divided up to drive down to Logan. Mark and I got in the Subaru and headed south. Mark swore. He had forgotten his lunch bucket. He apologized and soon pulled off the highway into a little residential neighborhood that I was now familiar with. I remarked, “Hey, this is the same neighborhood where Bear’s girlfriend lives.”

“Really?” He said “really” in a way that implied that his brain plumbing was springing a small leak. Mark never really got along with Bear. Bear had been picking on guys like Mark since the first grade.

We pulled up to a little green house in the neighborhood.

“Hey, this is where Bear’s girlfriend lives.”

“No, this is where I live.” Mark has a wife and two kids. He mentioned them often.

“Does Bear’s girlfriend live with you?” At that moment, we both realized that yes, Bear’s girlfriend did live in Mark’s house.

Mark got out of the truck and walked into the house. He was only in there for four or five minutes. He didn’t have his lunch bucket when he walked out. He didn’t say anything as he got in the truck. He pulled out and we headed south.

Time was moving very slowly. I was very uncomfortable. I had another thirty minutes of this. After that there would be explosive violence. Time was moving very slowly.

Bear had ridden down in one of the other trucks and I wondered if he would sense Mark walking up behind him with a shovel and bashing his brains in. Or Mark dumping a bucket of hot, liquid asphalt on him. There was also an axe in the tool truck…

We arrived at the jobsite in silence. Mark got out of the truck and put on his gloves and boots. He then went to work. I did the same.

Throughout the day, Mark was silent. At lunch he drove down with the foreman to buy stale sandwiches from the gas station. He ate them alone in the truck.

“What’s wrong with Mark?” others would ask.

“I don’t know,” I lied.

At the end of the day, I made sure I wasn’t in the same truck as Mark or Bear. So I rode in the back of the fenced truck with roofing debris and fiberglass swirling about. Permanent eye damage seemed more desirable than half an hour of silence with Mark or half an hour of bullshit with The-guy-who-is-sleeping-with-Mark’s-wife. We got back to the shop and everyone went home.

I’m sorry to tell you that is how this story ends. There was no confrontation. There was no bashing of the skull or death by black tar. Everything went back to normal the next day. It turns out Mark was still the little kid getting pushed down by a bully or a boss or a guy fucking his wife. And he wasn’t fighting back. The story doesn’t always end with a montage of the little kid leaning karate and kicking the bully’s ass. Sometimes we just keep getting pushed over.

Why do I feel like I’m leaving something out…

Oh! Did I mention that Bear did give his real name to Mark’s wife?

I think I also forgot that Bear had several warrants out for his arrest.

And then there was the part about Bear being arrested as few days later when someone left an anonymous message with the Lancaster police.

In about a month, a plumber position did open up. Mark got one of the newer trucks.

Erik Eats Haw Flakes: Of Flatness, Fruit Arises

Who knew that stomach pumping could take a toll on one's body? Well, Erik. Erik knows. So let's disperse with the sad remembrances of the last Erik Eats Lead Paint and move on to something better:

Haw Flakes

What sounds like a cereal is actually something else. Let's take a look.

Inside the package it looks like 10 individually wrapped tubes.

The nutritional information tells us that there is absolutely no nutritional value to this food. I guess that means it is Erik Eats Worthy©.

Erik opens the package.

Erik tries harder to open the package.

Erik gets tired of fucking around.

Ah haw! His knife wielding skills reveals a cylindrical package.

I'm going to ignore the fact that the ingredients on the package say "baw" instead of "haw."

What's this!?

It seems the Haw Flakes people have STOLEN the copyrighted Erik Eats Thumbs Up© logo! You bastards! It is spot on.

Instead of suing, Erik takes the high road and uses the symbol to help him get ready for his Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 Halloween costume.
Erik as Teal'c

Teal'c as Teal'c

Opening the package...

...reveals flat discs of red.

The discs are great for sharing!

Erik Eats...

...and tastes

The verdict...

The haw flakes discs are sweet and crumbly in the mouth. Delicious!

And since the packages looked so much like fireworks, we decided to light one to see what would happen.

Taste Explosion!

Blog of Note!

Holy crap! That 35 dollars worth of Arby's coupons I sent to Google worked!

Thanks for visiting and check out the "YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THESE STORIES" over there on the right.

We have a winner!

Thank you to everyone who participated in the "Bag Not Really Full of Money" guessing game. Our winner is WNA who hails from NC and he correctly guessed $16.91.

Next contest: guess how much my vasectomy cost. (And no, it wasn't by the inch.)

Bag o' Money: Part Two

A few months ago I posted a photo of a bag of money and suggested you all take a shot at guessing the amount of money in it.

Here is the unguessed bag, still waiting:

Leave your guess with an e-mail address.

Here is the clue from the previous post: more than 0.01 and less than 50.00.

Here is a second clue: the amount of money is an rotationally symmetric ambigram.

Person who guesses the correct amount wins it!

Good luck.

(If no one gets it by next Thursday, I'll post a new clue.)

HoleyBoard Rules (Columbus Version 1.5)

I just got an invite from Mike to his 11th annual HoleyBoard tournament. Thought this might be a good time to post the Columbus Rules (Version 1.5)


(Columbus Version 1.5)

HoleyBoard is a game of skill and luck and will test your debating abilities when arguments about the rules inevitability flare up. I hope that the number of incidents will be lowered by writing these rules down. Rules vary by region and you need to ensure all parties are playing by the same rules before the game begins.

Object of the Game

Two persons or two, two person teams can play HoleyBoard at one time. The object of HoleyBoard is to score exactly 21 points before your opponent does.


The HoleyBoards should be measured approximately eight feet apart or two board lengths. Competitors throw from the same side and alternate sides between rounds. During a doubles match, teammates spilt up to either side and do not switch sides between rounds. Standing on top of one HoleyBoard, each competitor has three washers that he/she pitches, one at a time, into the holes of the other HoleyBoard. The first Player up throws all three of their washers before the second Player throws their washers. The Player or Team that scores last or causes a washer to go in, goes first the next round.

Example: Player A throws first and lands a washer on the board that does not go in. Player B throws second. During her turn, Player B knocks Player A’s washer in, Player A receives the points, but Player B has to throw first the next round.

Scoring Points

Points are scored when a washer goes in and stays in a hole. Each hole has a point value: the first hole closest to the person pitching the washers is worth 1 point, the second/middle hole is worth 3, and the third hole is worth 5 points. Players score points when they throw their washer in, hits their own washer already on the board in, or when an opponent knocks one of their washers in.

Example: Player A pitches all three washers and all three land on the board without going in. Player B pitches his washers and knocks in one of Player A’s washers into the 3 hole. Player A scores 3 points.

Competitors can cancel each other out, but only during the same turn and in the same hole.

Example: If Player A pitches a 5, then Player B can cancel those points by also pitching a 5. A 5 cannot be cancelled by throwing a 3 and two 1’s. If Player B would hit a 3 and two 1’s, then the score would be 5 – 5.

Players can score points on top of a canceling throw.

Example: Player A throws two 5s. Player B throws three 5s. Player A would score 0 points. Player B would score 5 points.

Winning the Game

A Player must score exactly 21 points to win and they must win on their own third throw by either getting exactly 21 with the third throw or by Sticking the Victory with the third washer. A Player can only win with their own third throw. An opponent cannot knock an opposing Player’s washer in for a win.

When a Player has successfully scored exactly 21 points and still has one or two washer left, they must, if necessary, throw off the second washer and the last washer he/she pitches has to stick and stay on top of the board without falling off or landing in a hole (this is otherwise known as STICKING THE VICTORY or Sticking the Vic). If the Player is unsuccessful in their attempt, then they go back to the score they had at the beginning of the round.

A competitor can win without sticking the Vic if he/she reaches 21 on the last throw or causes another of their own washers to fall in giving the thrower exactly 21.

Example: Player B goes second and has 18 points On the second throw he/she leaves the washer very close to the 3 point hole. With the third throw, the third washer knocks the second washer in the 3 point hole and then the third washer goes flying off the board. Player B has 21 and wins the game because the third washer caused the win.

A competitor cannot win if an opponent causes them to have exactly 21 points. A player who is given 21 points (either by knocking points in or by being cancelled backwards to 21 points) will have their score returned to what it was at the beginning of the round.

Example: Player A goes first with 18 points. Player A lands his first washer near the 3 point hole and misses his/her last two throws. Player B knocks Player A’s washer in the 3 point hole. Player A does not get the three points and would go back to 18 points.

Voiding a Win

A player can void an opponent’s win in one of thee ways: canceling points, knocking in opponent’s washers causing them to go over or by knocking their Stick the Vic off the board.

Skunking your Opponent for the Win

11- 0 is a skunk. The Player must win the normal way by scoring exactly 11 on the third throw or by Sticking the Vic.

Example: Player A has 11 and sticks last washer. Player B misses all three throws and Player A wins the game.

Example: Player A has 11 but does not stick the last washer; he/she still has 11 and must play to 21.

Example: If Player A does not stick last washer but Player B cancels the 1, then Player A has 10 and still has a chance to skunk.

A skunk is over as soon as the opponent scores any points by the end of the round.

Example: Player A throws a five and two threes during the first round for a possible skunk. Player B throws a one and avoids the skunk. The score is now 11-1.

Can There Be a Tie?

There are no ties. A Player must cancel the opponent’s win first before attempting their own win. If Player A scores 21 on third throw or Sticks the Vic, Player B must terminate the win by canceling Players A’s points or by knocking off the Stick the Vic washer before attempting to go for their own win.

Example: Player A has 18 points; he throws in three ones for the possible win. Player B has 15 points and throws a 1; canceling A’s victory and follows it up with two 3’s for the win.

Going Over Twenty-One

The goal of HoleyBoard is to score EXACTLY 21. Inevitably, someone will score more than 21 points. If a Player does go over 21, their score is determined by taking the total number of points scored that round and subtracting that from their score at the beginning of the round.

Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1 for a total of 7 points. Player A’s score starting score (15) would be reduced by the total points scored that round (7) giving them their new score (15-7=8.)

If Player B were to then cancel out any of Player A’s points and reduce the score of Player A below 21 then Player A receives the new, under 21 score. If Player B cancels out points and leaves Player A with exactly 21, then Player A’s score will return to the points they had at the beginning of the round. (Note: the opponent cannot win for you. You must go out on the third throw or Stick the Vic on your own turn to win.)

Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1. Player B throws a 3 and cancels Player A’s 3. Player A’s score would be 19 (15 + 4 =19.)

Example: Player A has 15 points. Player A throws two 3’s and accidentally throws a 1. Player B throws a 1 and cancels Player A’s 1. Player A would go back to his original score from that round (15), as if he had attempted to win and missed.

If a Player goes over with the first washer, each throw after that continues to push their score backwards. In other words, once a Player goes over 21 they cannot score positive points on that same turn.

Example: Player A has 20 and hits a 5, he/she will drop to 15. He/she continues to throw on that same turn and hits another 5, knocking them back five more points to 10.


A player cannot go below 0 points.

Washers must be thrown one at a time. You may not throw two or three washers at the same time.

Remember: There is no score until all washers are thrown. Once all washers are thrown by both players, the score for that round can be tallied.

No overhand throws.

Players can stand anywhere on the board in any stance, but can not leave board surface (i.e. jumping towards other board.)

Any throw that hits the floor outside of the board first and bounces on the board does not count and should be removed from the hole or playing surface. Any action caused by an outside bounced washer should be reset to its original position.

Any throw that goes in a hole and bounces out does not count for points, but any action it caused does count. The in-hole bounced washer can be knocked back in the hole for a score. An in-hole bounced washer can also count as a Stick the Vic.

It is a very good idea to mark both sets of washers with identifying marks before playing. Both sets should be marked with the same medium to ensure an even match. (i.e. both marked with Sharpie or both painted with same type, but different color of paint.)

This is a gentleperson’s game and any washer accidentally dropped is allowed to be picked up and thrown. Any miss-throw (i.e. any washer toss while arm is in motion) does count. Tough luck.

Vocabulary Time!

THROWING OFF is when a Player intentionally throws one, two, or all three washers to the ground as to not score any points or to set themselves up for a final throw win. If you have 20 points and only need a one to win, you can THROW OFF the first two washers and aim the third for the one hole, avoiding the need for Sticking the Vic. You can also THROW OFF in strategic situations to avoid canceling an opponent’s points if they have gone over 21 or to avoid knocking in an opponent’s washer that is about fall in a hole that might give them points.

A FIRST ROUND SKUNK happens when a Player gets an 11-0 score in the first round without it being cancelled by the other Player. This is a very desirable win cause for great celebration.