Awesome Things to Keep In Your Car Trunk

This is not going to be a list about jumper cables, a wool blanket, toilet paper and kitty litter.  Your dad can tell you what items you should have in your trunk for an emergency.  This list is about the other things you should have in your trunk to be Awesome.

Reflective Vest, Hard Hat and Clipboard

At some point in your life, you will want to be somewhere where you are not supposed to be.  This could be a concert you don’t have tickets to or into an Apple Store when there is an iPhone released.  A hard hat alone will get you into 75% of places you are not supposed to be. You throw in a reflective vest and clipboard and you will most certainly be allowed to pass into any venue.  The key to sneaking around is to look like you belong. Gather these items from your trunk, put them on and go through a back door or access hallway. These items not only make you look like you should be there, but you might find yourself actually running the event or changing the architecture on a major bridge project. It also works as a great Halloween costume in a pinch.

Framed, Autographed Photo of Yourself with Double Sticky Tape
Self-respecting New York Delis and upstanding bars throughout the country fill their walls with autographed photos of their customers. Instead of wasting your time winning a Nobel Prize or directing a major motion film, just keep an autographed, framed photo in your trunk. Use very high bond, double sticky tape so that you don’t have to bother with nails or screws.  Walk in, add your face to their wall and then demand free food/drinks.  If you are like me, you keep several framed photos in the car with a sharpie so that the photo can be personalized to the location.

A Roll of Toilet Paper

OK. So I lied about the toilet paper. But I’m not talking about emergency craps on the side of the Interstate between the car door and your embarrassed spouse holding a jacket to hide your shame.  I’ve got something more nefarious in mind.
We all have an enemy. If you don’t, get one. It’s great to focus your own personal failings on someone else. Late at night, when you are driving past your enemy’s house, jump out and use that one roll of toilet paper to TP a tree/shrub. You don’t have to use the whole roll.  Just get a good foundation going and then leave the rest of roll.  The next morning, your enemy will walk out and see this attack upon their homestead.  They are going to think two things:

1. They have been attacked and they don’t know why.
2. The attack was halted, as only one roll was partially used, and the perpetrators will be back to finish the job.

You now have created a paranoid enemy.  They’ll constantly be looking over their shoulder. They’ll stay up late at night, hiding in the bushes with a shotgun, waiting to take out the next person who steps in their yard.  Over time, they’ll become exhausted, go crazy and get arrested for shooting the paper delivery girl.  Then it’s time for you to get another roll of toilet paper and a new enemy.  

Two Sets of Jumper Cables
OK. So I lied about the jumper cables.
Here’s the deal.  Anyone asking you for a jumpstart is really at the bottom of the barrel. They don’t have AAA. They knew their battery was shitty and they didn’t replace it. They don’t have friends because otherwise they wouldn’t be asking you.  On top of that… they don’t even have jumper cables. Their life sucks. But you are Awesome and you come to their rescue. You give them the jump they need to get their car started.  And on top of that… you GIVE them your 2nd set of jumper cables. Let’s be honest… if their car has died once, it’s going to die again.  They’ll need those jumper cables.  Plus, it will leave a lifelong impression on them, just like it did to me.

Choosing The Perfect Card

There is no perfect card that you can buy off the rack.  There are cards that are close, but perfect cards have to be created and not purchased.  But I don't have time to make my own card. Plus all the grammar and neatness... bleck.

So instead, I will buy a card that isn't even close and turn it into The Perfect Card:

First, buy a card. It really doesn't matter what card you buy. Words on the front usually work best. This card below was for Beth and Eric's wedding. As you can see, this has very little to do with a wedding. That's fine. If you are good, you can Photoshop your edits. If you are me, you use markers.

Next, get your tools. For this card, I'll be using blue and red sharpies and a huge carpenters L thingy for drawing straight lines.  I don't know what I was thinking.

Finally, make The Perfect Card edits. remove the words that don't work, replace them with words that do.

And that is how you Chose the Perfect Card. If you want, you can print this out and edit it for your Perfect Card.