Showing posts with label tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tips. Show all posts

What No One Tells You About Moving

Moving is highly underrated. Both in time and treasure. I’ve helped several friends to move and here’s what I’ve noticed that you should consider before moving.

0.5 The PLAN
(It’s best to have the PLAN in the #0.5 spot so that you can sneak up on the #1 item.)
Create a PLAN for the move. Write it down. Stick to it. Even if you are wrong, because once people begin to doubt you, they’ll start to argue and that is a time suck. Be willing to take advice, but don’t let anyone tell you what to do. This is why you do not invite your dad to the move.

1. Packing takes 20% longer than expected
OK, you’ve heard this before, but no matter how you plan, packing will take 20% longer. Even after you read this, you might think, “I’ll just increase the time by 20%.” Wrong. Because it will take 20% longer than that. It’s a losing proposition. It is in your best interest to schedule five hours to pack so that it will only take six. (And don’t think you can plan on five minutes of moving so that it will take six. Fate is not stupid.)

2. Pack Everything
Put as much as you can in boxes. It makes packing the truck so much easier. Leave stuff in drawers if you want, but make sure you cover with cardboard and tape. Take this opportunity to throw out all your lamps. They are hard to pack and just not worth your time. DO NOT PACK THINGS IN SUITCASES. It is a well know fact that suitcases are the number one item that get lost both at the airport and in a move.

3. Don’t Pack Everything
Screw that last bit. Take the time to get rid of stuff. Have your friends take stuff. Call the local charity that will haul it away. Put it on the curb so the local junk-truck-guy can come by and take the good stuff. Especially those lamps.

4. Color Code
In the end, you will be much happier will all your crap in well marked, color coded boxes You can write the details of the box in small letters, but use large words or color to help guide the unpackers to the room they need to go. The night before the move, go to the new house and make signs with arrows. Color code rooms and doors. This will alleviate you standing at the front door of the new house, blocking the door deciding what the hell you were thinking last night when you wrote KT BT 9 FR on the box.

5. Rent the bigger truck
Rent the biggest truck you can get your hands on. Find a friend with a Commercial Driver’s License if you have to. Two trips SUCKS. Spend the extra money because you will save it in the end with mileage and time.

6. You can have too many people to help
It’s easy to understand that if you are the only one moving your furniture, you are screwed. But is it possible to have too many people? YES. One of my favorite economics terms is “diminishing returns.” It basically means that the more people you throw at a job, at some point, the amount of work that can get done is reduced. When you have too many people standing around, they will have the time to stop and criticize your PLAN. If you invite too many people to help, divide them up into smaller teams for continued packing, labeling, cleaning, lifting or send some over to the new place to get rid of them. Have them buy the beer and put it into the new refrigerator. Part of your PLAN should be a list of things for the ne'er-do-wells to do while the real help is doing their job.

7. Inside help / outside help
Your job during the move is to coordinate. Try not to get stuck moving anything. You should be able to freely move in and out of the house. If you have the personpower, have someone in the house, who is familiar with the PLAN, that can guide the movers or get you in a hurry if there is a question. You can then be near the truck to help with loading, unless you suck at Tetris.

8. Tight Pack
If you are crappy at Tetris, I would suggest getting a friend who has move experience to pack the truck. You want a tight pack as this means less damage and more stuff on the truck. Have room outside the truck for staging items that should go on later or when you have a futon shaped hole to fill.


Damnit! I’ve seen it a hundred times. Towards the end of the move, little stuff is still lying around the house and the owner will say, “I’ll get that stuff later.” Don’t do it. MOVE IT NOW. You’ve got the people and the truck. For fragile stuff also have a fleet of cars that will be going to the new house. Just do it now. If you are moving across the country, you might want to keep personal items or papers with you, just don’t overthink it, champ. Move it now.

10. Don’t Feed in the Middle of a Move
Hungry people work harder. Full people nap. Don’t schedule your move around a meal time. Wait until the move is over to order the pizza. Even if it is late. By then, people will be sick of you and they will leave so you can order less pizza. Only keep cold water at the house you are moving out of. Make sure that beer is only at the new place so they have a goal. Drunk people drop shit and argue with you.

11. Don’t get fancy

Provide water. Provide Pizza. Provide Beer. Don’t try and cater. Don’t even think about cooking out. Your friends knew this when they volunteered to help. They will move someday and you will get the same crap from them.

12. Unpack Now
If you do not unpack a box, it will remain packed until you move again. This falls in line with Move Everything Now. People are there. Unpack.

13. Thanks

You need to thank your friends for helping. If someone loaned you a truck, fill it with gas or leave a $20 in the glove compartment. A real friend will not take money if you hand it to them, so if you really need the $20, try to hand it to your friend instead of putting it in the glove compartment. Thank your friends that night and the next day for their help and apologize for being a dick and not listening to them and not having beer at the house and for making them work so late.

14. Take the next day off work
You will definitely want to take then next day off from work. All the stuff that you are too tired to take care of at midnight will be there for years unless you take care of it immediately. If you go to work, you are going to come home, exhausted, to unpacked boxes and no cable. If you take the next day off, you can sit around and unpack boxes while you wait for the cable guy to show up three hours late.

Reasons Why The Idiot In Front of You Can’t Drive

I know you know how to drive just fine, but the asshole in front of you has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Here’s why:

1. Mirrors aren’t positioned right
Mirrors should be adjusted to eliminate blind spots. A passing car should be visible in the driver's rear view mirror and before it disappears, it should be visible in the side view mirror and then in a driver’s peripheral vision before it leaves the side view mirror. Most people adjust their side mirror to see if they’ve left the gas flap open and then leave it there.

2. Doesn't look through cars
Most cars have a good bit of glass in them. In most states, that glass has to be clear. What this means is a driver can look through the cars around them to see stuff. That’s right! Right through it. If they are turning left and the guy next to them is too much of a wimp to turn, they don’t have to wait for him, they just need to look though his car and see if traffic is clear. This helps with passing, too. Fuzzy dice are a problem with this theory. Fat heads too, which is why not a lot of people pass me.

3. Doesn't know how to yield
On ramps are launch pads. By the halfway point of the on ramp, a driver should be doing the speed limit, which I think is around 75. Yield does not mean “be a bitch”. It means playing a game of chicken with the driver they are about to hit. This continues until the mergee backs down or they merger give in and slides in behind him at the last second. Many idiots get up to 50% of the speed limit and start looking backwards at the traffic. Then they hit the brakes. If drivers do as I suggest, they will be at 75 MPH at this point and should pass them on the median.

4. Not a team player
Here is the biggest problem that idiot drivers have: they forget that this is a team effort. If there is a line of 50 cars at a stop light, the 50th guy has a chance to make it through if we all work together. The whole team is expecting that the #1 car has his shit together and will lead the team to victory. #1 car should be watching the cross traffic light. If they look close, they can see it change to yellow and then red. On yellow, the driver should take their foot off the brake as this will cue car #2 which will cue car #3 and so on. Watch their light turn red and make sure no one is going to run it. As soon as it is green, hit it. Don’t fuck around. Gogogogogogogogo!! Of those 50 cars, the first 25 can make it though in the first eight seconds. All cars need to commit! No slamming on the brakes if they get nervous, the team is counting on them! The last car through should be in the middle of the intersection when the light turns red. A team effort, people.

5. Sucks at left turns
I drove in Boston for about four months and the one thing I learned is that the car turning left always shoots through the intersection as soon as the light turns green. I am cool with this. It might piss off the car coming straight though the intersection, unless they expect it, which all drivers should. The second car in line should drive 49.9999% of the way into the intersection, almost nose to nose with the car doing the same on the other side. Drivers just need a bit of space to complete the turn. The second car in line to turn left should be on the #1 cars ass. #3 car should do the same. When the light turns red, all three cars go. Just watch out for the car in cross traffic trying to get the jump on the left turn.

6. Speeds up when you try to pass
While idiot driver is going 53 - 56 MPH on the highway, a normal driver might decide pass him. This is a challenge to idiot driver and they’ll speed up. I notice this all the time on my way to work because I slap the cruise control on for the first half of the trip and I am very aware of how fast I am going. My passing might as well be a reminder to the idiot driver that his genitals are still very small and he’ll take it out on his accelerator. Usually, they speed up just enough to match the passing driver’s speed. I’ve found that, within reason, speeding up and getting past them is enough to dampen their aggression and as soon as they see the bumper, they will slow back down to their widely fluctuating speed until they are passed again. That is unless it’s to get a better shot at you though your rear window.

7. Going straight in the right hand lane
Rights on red are legal in my state. If they aren’t in yours, you should move. Nonetheless, idiot driver in front of you wants to be the first guy at the light so he’ll stray from the left lane to block the right so that you cannot turn right. This is a dick move. They should stay in the left lane, even if there is an opening.

8. Sucks at passing
When an idiot driver passes, they’ll maintain their speed, even if it is .03 MPH faster than the car they are passing. It could take 12 days to pass at that rate. When a driver passes another vehicle, they should get a pair and pass it... now! They should make it thier mission to get around that slower vehicle as fast as possible and then pull over and resume their crappy pre-pass speed.

9. On your ass
(I realize this detracts from the “Idiot In Front of You” theme, but stick with me, it’s the last one.) I keep my distance behind the car in front of me because I do not want to ride up his ass when he slams on his brakes for a kitty cat crossing the street. Idiot driver behind thinks that somehow a driver will speed up if he rides their ass. This is just not cool and does not work into the whole team work theory we spoke of earlier. Drivers should back a couple car lengths. I have learned a trick where I step on the brake pedal with my left foot just enough to trigger the brake light, but not trigger the brakes. That usually freak them the hell back.

10. Does any of the following
Throws shit out the window
Makes out with girlfriend*
Can’t handle road head
Can’t find a CD under the seat
Doesn’t know how to talk and drive
Is out of windshield wiper fluid(guilty)
Is missing a mirror(guilty)
Smoks a pipe
Eats a footlong sub (guilty)
Masturbating (also guilty)

*To end this article, I tell you a story I swear is true: on my way home down 670 one fine evening, I witnessed a car swerving and sped up to see what the hell was going on. In the drivers seat sat a female. The passenger seat there was a male. The male leaned over and grabbed the steering wheel and the driver leaned over and, I assume, BEGAN TO BLOW THE PASSENGER. The car continued down the highway with the dude leaning over, swerving every so often. This continued for six or seven minutes, even as they transitioned between 670E and 270N, until the girl popped up and they pulled off an exit ramp.

For reasons which you may be aware, I have always called this Postal Head and think about it whenever I travel down 670.

Additional Helpful H1N1 Health Hints from the CDC

The CDC has published updated guidelines for avoiding the H1N1. In order to keep yourself and your loved ones healthy, you'll need to do the following:

1. Continue and increase all ingestion of bacon, ham, pork loin, sausage and pork rinds (except for Canadian Bacon - no one really knows what's in that, anyhow). Increasing your consumption will additionally help stave off the insidious effects of vegetarianism.

2. Throw out (preferably burn) all copies of Charlotte's Web books, VHS tapes, books-on-tape or 20th anniversary commemorative talking LP records to ensure no second-hand "Some pig!" H1N1 contagion.

3. Get an H1N1 flu shot vaccine. Note that you may have to disguise yourself as a 14-year-old unwed pregnant girl to ensure that you move to the top of the flu-shot priority queue. This will not be a problem in the Mid-West.

4. Start freebasing Airborne, Zicam, Sudafed, Centrum and Valtrex to maximize your immune system's efficacy in warding off disease. In a pinch, mix 1 tsp sugar with a glass of water. It works equally as well.

5. Up the ante - why wash your hands, when you can solder them clean? Note that solder gun and silver solder are not insurance-approved items eligible for year-end deduction.

6. Rent The Boy in the Bubble, starring John Travolta, and build your own hermetically-sealed mobile quarantine immunity dome. (Note: Conversion to Scientology is not necessary, though it is a well-known fact that Operating Thetans are immune to every disease and illness except gravity. And skepticism.)

7. Remember that alcohol kills germs - imbibe copious quantities of Wild Turkey, Grey Goose and Jim Beam before and during working hours. When co-workers discuss immunizations, tell them that you've had a shot and will have several more before the day is through.

8. Have sex with a nurse or doctor. H1N1 cannot be passed through sexual contact, and this will build up your resistance. Just remember, no kissing; it's too personal. You stay numb, you don't get involved.

9. Watch "Deliverance" up until the "squeal like a pig" scene. Turn off your televsion, put on your Ned Beatty pajamas and curl up on a cold concrete floor for the night. Torn rectum is optional.

10. Get it over with. Why avoid the inevitable? Lick door knobs and keyboards. Stand at the bus stop have the children rub their snot-encased forearms against your nose and mouth. Dumpster diving at the doctors office is not uncommon for the desperate. Find yourself a nice Ayn Rand book or congressional Health Care bill and rest for the next six days. You've earned it!

Dating Tips for Girls and Boys

Dating is confusing. Here are a few tips to help you out with knowing if someone wants to date you or not:

Signs that a boy does not want to date you:

1. He ignores you
2. He pushes you at school
3. He calls you and hangs up
4. He dates your best friend
5. He tells all his buddies that he hates you

Signs that a boy wants to date you:

1. He ignores you.
2. He pushes you at school
3. He calls you and hangs up
4. He dates your best friend
5. He tells all his buddies that he hates you.

Signs that a girl does not want to date you:

1. She says that you are a great friend
2. She immediately introduces you to her friend
3. She says things like, “That’s sweet” and “You must have a lot of girlfriends.”
4. She asks if she can bring her boyfriend along
5. She pepper sprays you

Signs that a girl wants to date you:

1. She crinkles her nose at you
2. She sticks her tongue out at you
3. She says, “I don’t ever want to get married.”
4. She runs away and waits for you to chase her
5. She starts her sentences out with, “Well, aren’t you going to…”

How to steal your best friend’s girlfriend

So your best friend has a smoking hot girlfriend and you want her? I can help. Stealing a girlfriend is a delicate operation, but if done correctly, can yield awesome results. Here are some options for the deed.

1. Change him into a girl
Liberal doses of estrogen in your friend’s food, in combination with an order of “Nueva” onion rings, will usually achieve the desired results in 3 – 4 weeks. As soon as he starts ordering Appletinis, spotting between periods, watching “The Prince of Tides” and developing 36B man-boobs, his girlfriend will have no choice but to turn to a real man.

2. Turn him in to the cops for the meth lab in his basement

Even if he doesn’t have a meth lab, you can slap one together with a coffee maker, some rubber tubing and a can of Zud. Leave those items in his house and spread around four or five boxes of decongestant. Call the cops and tell them you are a neighbor and you smell something funny coming from his house. As he’s being dragged away screaming his innocence, wrap your arm around his girl and whisper that the first stage is denial.

3. Get him addicted to drugs
The most powerful addictions are the unknown ones. Replace his sugar with cocaine. Sprinkle crack in his oatmeal. Inject meth into his eggs. Over the course of five or six breakfasts, he’ll find himself craving shredded wheat with extra sugar and raw eggs. As he becomes despondent to the other two meals of the day and his girlfriend, console her with lunch dates.

4. Talk them into a threesome
Every dude who has a friend with a hot girlfriend is willing to risk the dangers of the 2 guys on 1 chick threesome. If you can get them drunk enough to agree to a “Catch 22” threesome, you are halfway there. The next day, ensure you mention the night before at least thirty seven times. Repeat over the next week. Be sure to mention that the sex with his girl was great and that she was loving every second (literally) of your loving. Be sure to describe how his girl seemed to really like the night and that you would never let your girl bang another guy and wonder out loud how many other times she has done that. Soon doubt will begin to form in his mind and he’ll start to question the relationship. Wait two weeks and make your move.

5. Convince her he is gay
Every man may not question his sexuality, but every guy’s friend will call in to question his sexual alignment at least three of four times a day. While usually done jokingly, if subtly done in front of the girlfriend, seeds of doubt can be sewn. Leave issues of Men’s Health laying around his apartment with post-it notes on the half naked men pages. Leave Depeche Mode CDs at his desk and sneak ABBA and WHAM! on to his iPod. When he’s not around, ask the girlfriend why best friend has been sneaking out to the local goth bar. Leave a copy of Broke Back Mountain in the DVD player. The final straw should be strategically placed ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” Leave them on the dryer with an opened MAGNUM condom wrapper. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you’ll be available after your time at the greyhound rehabilitation volunteer shift.

6. Convince him to enlist
The best way to approach this is to suggest you enlist together. Talk about the adventures you’ll have overseas and the foreign chicks you will bang. On the day the two of your are going to ship out, show your commanding officer the ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” He’ll kick you out of the military and as your buddy waves from the plane taking him overseas, tell his girl about all the foreign chicks he said he was going to bang while overseas.

7. Sign him up for World of Warcraft
In three weeks, he will have lost interest in her. Make your move.

How to Fake an Orgasm

Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.

1. The Silent Stop

Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”

2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.

3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.

4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.

5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.