Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts

The List of Things I Have Not Said On Facebook

Just like you, I am on Facebook. And also just like you, I have stupid friends who leave inane status updates that I would love to reply to and cannot because we probably wouldn't be friends anymore. Maybe that would be a good thing. Here is a list of things I have not said on Facebook in reply to my friends:

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Your cause sucks.

No. You are nothing like any of the characters from Disney.

Your diet is a pyramid scheme.

Please fight with your husband at home.

You just ran eight miles? My ass you did.

Of course you want a drink… you are an alcoholic.

Just get a new cat.

Now there are 24 more things about you I didn't want to know.

Fucking read before you post that shit. Idiot!

Your job does suck and your boss reads your FB page.

Yes, you are that guy.

Thanks! I was going to look outside to see that the weather was shitty, but now I’ll find something else to do.

I thought you were a racist before and now I know. Thanks for the clarification.

You are not 18 anymore. Nor are you 26 or even 35. Just quit it.

You have no idea what feckless means.

I am thankful that the 30 days of this are up.

Holy crap, I think I can see your tits in that photo.

That tattoo looks like complete shit.

Third time's a charm, dumbass.

Star Wars Fan?

I assume the creator of this ad on Facebook is not.

As found on Facebook.


A conversation on Facebook. He deleted his comments, but I knew he was going to so I took a screen shot.

Click image to see huge-like.

Facebook Redacting

I am on a good bit and one popular way that people post stuff from Facebook is to take a screen shot and block out the names and faces using some Photoshop or MS Paint method.

I though it was curious all the varied ways it was done so I've collected a few samples.


This is one of the most common. Neat black boxes over both profile photo and name.


This method is a bit sloppier, but accomplishes the task. In the same family is the black marker, but leaving the profile photo showing.


I think with this method, the user starts with the black redaction box and then has trouble covering up all the text, so they drop down to the brush tool. As a bonus, the user included titles so that we could tell who was saying what, seeing as that you can't once all the names and faces are blocked out.


The cousin of the BLACK REDACTED BOX


The user felt obligated to hide the identity of some faces, some names, but left some names and faces visible. Very sloppy.


This is a very clean method. The faces are hidden, but you can make a connection of who is saying what as you scan down the photo.


I like this one.


This one is very detailed because instead of just blocking out the whole profile, they just hid a little of the guy's face.


I assume this is the smudge tool. Dies a good job of masking without being obnoxious.


With multiple people in the comments, this person used color coordination to distinguish who said what. Very clean. Good work.


This is definitely a MS Paint job. Sloppy, but they tried to color coordinate.


Hard to tell what is going on here. Did the poster try to suggest that the pink person is a girl and the blue is a boy? In addition, the white redacting over the names is very sloppy.


I'm not sure what to think here.

I was poking around for some others and there is a whole section of that features these called Failbook.
I saw this neat one over there with color frames

How to Disable Facebook's "Places."

"Places" might be a wonderful option for some people, but I'd rather not let my entire collection of "friends" or the whole of the internet know where I am at. "Places" also allows other people to 'check you in' so that they can tattle on me when I am at the nudie bar seeing my favorite dancer act, Doris.

Here is how to disable places:

1. Go to Account > Privacy Settings on top right.

2. Click on ‘Customize Settings‘ link at the bottom of that page.

3. Next to “Places I check in” use the drop down box to select ‘Only Me‘.

4. Make sure to ‘uncheck” the ‘Include me in “People Here Now” after I check in’ box.

5. Further down under “Things others share” select ‘Disabled’ next to “Friends can check me in to places.”

Facebook Gold Membership

Do you have a Facebook Gold Membership?

The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.

Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"

Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.

When friends ask questions, use these replies:

"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."

Even better, take that photo and make 20 copies and upload it as an album. Then start tagging your friends in random places in the photo. When they go to look at the photo, they will think they are missing out on something.

Special thanks to!

(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)

Police Called in on Search after Facebook Friend Goes Missing

COLUMBUS- Columbus Police were called into to assist with finding a woman reported missing early Friday afternoon from a local man’s Facebook page. Currently the police have no leads.

Luke Lester called police after he realized the woman was missing from his friends list. “I had recently found a girl from my high school and “added” her to my friends. I was in the process of sending her a drink and a link to my blog and she was gone.” Lester had found the girl using a tool on the site that helps locate people you might know. His request was accepted and he began endlessly commenting on her status and plying her with virtual drinks. “We were getting along great right before she disappeared. I hadn’t actually spoken with her, but she was accepting my virtual plants and invitation to guess what 80’s rock band she was. I was just about to send her a margarita because I saw her wearing a Hawaiian shirt in one of her photos.” Lester was unable to find her in his list of friends and after searching on his own for a few minutes, decided he should call for help. “It was like she was deleted from my life.”

Police report that the search has been difficult because Lester seems to be blocked from looking at the woman’s profile. “It’s almost like she trying to stay missing.”

How to ruin your life

So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:

Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.

Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.

Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.

If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.

“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”

Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.

Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.

Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:

114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop

Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!

Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft

Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?

It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”

And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.


Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.

You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.

Step nine: Get married

Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!

Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.

Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)

So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.

Note to self: buy Twizzlers.