If you brush your teeth with toothpaste, what do you brush your moles with?

Doug Sleeps

The Subway Seat for 3 girls finally got their apartment furnished just in time for me to visit NYC and pass out. Michelle's new roommates might not know that I can pass out in a 6" x 6' space as long as I can pull a curtain off the wall and cover myself with it.

You can read about the new furnishings HERE.

What you should really do is try to locate all the good Doug sleeping locations in their newly furnished apartment. I didn't have a good photo of me passed out, so I had to use this photo of me begging for change.

See how many Doug sleeping places you can find! (click to embiggen.)

ANSWER: There are 37 Doug pass out spots! (Six of them are under Avenger's bed and four more of me are hiding under Michelle's sheets listening to Shorty snore.)

T-Shirt Copyright Protected

My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com:

Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/copyright-claim.

Laser Guy likes the YMCA

I was zipping around the internet and clicked on a link about a douchbag in Cleveland who was recently found guilty of shooting a laser at passing airplanes. Upon arriving at the link, I was jumped by a YMCA ad that unfurled itself from the corner. I fought it back but couldn't help but notice that the guy in the pool looks a lot like the guy that just got busted for idiocy.

Douchebag Laser Guy

Douchebag Laser Guy better days

Good teachers are hard to find


Aperture Science

There are few opportunities when you get to mix work with video games. I couldn't help but take the opportunity when we were designing this biopsy graphic.


adjective, lam⋅er, lam⋅est,
verb, lamed, lam⋅ing,
1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.
2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
4. Slang. out of touch with modern fads or trends; unsophisticated.
5. Bobby’s 21st birthday party

Out at 7:30pm, home by 10:00pm. Officially the lamest 21st birthday party ever. I have never seen anyone go from 20 to 87 years old.

You suck Bobby.

Bush Leaves Washington - Die Hard Style

Photo via Ruth Fremson/The New York Times

Keegan loses control

We've had Keegan working overtime to prepare for an event this weekend. And from looking at this photo...

...it seems that either:

A: Keegan had coolant leak on to his jeans
B: Keegan was shocked by an ungrounded wire and lost bladder control
C: Keegan was over committed to his work and decided to continue working rather than take a bathroom break
D: Keegan is sexually aroused by lasers

I'll help you decide.
It's not A: because the coolant is located lower than where he is standing
It's not B: because Keegan would never have an ungrounded wire (for the 10th time)
It's not C: because Keegan is never that committed to work
It's not D: because Keegan is impotent due to several ungrounded wire shocks

So I guess it is none of the above. Why do you think the stain on Keegan's pants is?

Pencil Eraser Plastic Surgery with BONUS Cancer Cure

My favorite local "Non-surgical Beauty" medical doctor is up to some real advertising gold again. It looks like in the first photo, the person has wrinkles or hair or worms on their upper lip. In the second photo, some defoliation has taken place.

I like making money, just like Dr. Mudd, so I decided to start my own cancer treatment. To prove its effectiveness, I have posted these scientific diagrams of ACTUAL CANCER TREATMENT.

You can see from the scientific drawing, the cancer is 100% photoshopped out of the patient. The best part is that the treatment is 100% natural. And it only costs $4,000,000.00.

Subway Seat for 3

Michelle packed up, left Columbus and got a job in New York City.

She and her two buddies have a website you should check out: http://subwayseatfor3.blogspot.com/. You can follow their daily grind and I think there is a shower-cam, too. It seems that in New York, chicks are bothered by douche bags on an hourly basis. Read how Michelle accidentally says yes to a proposal from a hot dog cart guy.

Good luck Michelle!

4th Hand Smoke Found to be Cause of Ear Cancer

COLUMBUS - The Institute of American Cancer Studies released a report today concerning a new diagnosis of smoking induced auricular cancer. This alarming study has determined that this recently discovered cancer is caused by Fourth Hand Smoke. Dr. Rich Sparhawk of the Grunnard Institute explains, “Fourth Hand Smoke occurs when a person is forced to listen to someone complaining about how their friend’s clothes smelled of smoke from being at a bar the night before.”

1. Person A interacts with smoker at bar/party.
2. Person A runs into Person B at a different venue.
3. The next day Person B complains to you about the smell of Person A.
4. Ear cancer strikes!

While complaints about smoking are not new, this new type of complaining is whinier, higher pitched and narcissistic. Dr. Senja Filkrujka is an ear cancer specialist, “The sound wave’s resonance “awakens” the ear cancer eggs that naturally line the ear canal. While the cancer eggs are usually dormant, this “4th hand smoke” ruptures them, forcing the eggs into their growth cycle. Within days, tumors fill the ears and crawl deep inside the brain. It’s quite nasty.”

The prognosis is not very good, “Until we can get everyone to quit smoking, there are still going to be people hanging around with smokers who then later bump into non-smokers who will then complain about it to some other poor person later.”

Top 1 Reason to Have Sex Tonight

1. I can't believe that people need a stinking reason to have sex.

HolyJuan's Steno Pad

Al got me hooked on steno pads back in the studio days. Nothing says task list like a bunch of line items in a steno.

I lost a steno pad once and hated myself for weeks. Tasks. Phone numbers. Cartoons. Gone.

So I started to tape a business card on the front of the steno pad in case I left it somewhere.

Steno pad (circa Allstate days) waiting to be left behind at a bar.

So, of course, I did. Six months ago.

Fast forward to now. I got this e-mail on facebook:

Hey Doug, I think we have a notebook you left at Buffalo Wild Wings in Lancaster (or at least I remember seeing your name on it.) It has some pictures of some tape measures being tortured and held for ransom. Sound familiar? Anyway, stop by Buffalo Wild Wings and I'll get them back to you. We all had a big laugh at them.

Take care,

The photos she mentions are here: http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/05/torture-by-foot.html. I can see why they might have waited six months to contact me.

Thank you Becky at BW-3 in Lancaster!!


Well, we scrimped and we saved and finally we were able to buy braces for my teeth. We paid extra to get the Paul Walls.

How to steal your best friend’s girlfriend

So your best friend has a smoking hot girlfriend and you want her? I can help. Stealing a girlfriend is a delicate operation, but if done correctly, can yield awesome results. Here are some options for the deed.

1. Change him into a girl
Liberal doses of estrogen in your friend’s food, in combination with an order of “Nueva” onion rings, will usually achieve the desired results in 3 – 4 weeks. As soon as he starts ordering Appletinis, spotting between periods, watching “The Prince of Tides” and developing 36B man-boobs, his girlfriend will have no choice but to turn to a real man.

2. Turn him in to the cops for the meth lab in his basement

Even if he doesn’t have a meth lab, you can slap one together with a coffee maker, some rubber tubing and a can of Zud. Leave those items in his house and spread around four or five boxes of decongestant. Call the cops and tell them you are a neighbor and you smell something funny coming from his house. As he’s being dragged away screaming his innocence, wrap your arm around his girl and whisper that the first stage is denial.

3. Get him addicted to drugs
The most powerful addictions are the unknown ones. Replace his sugar with cocaine. Sprinkle crack in his oatmeal. Inject meth into his eggs. Over the course of five or six breakfasts, he’ll find himself craving shredded wheat with extra sugar and raw eggs. As he becomes despondent to the other two meals of the day and his girlfriend, console her with lunch dates.

4. Talk them into a threesome
Every dude who has a friend with a hot girlfriend is willing to risk the dangers of the 2 guys on 1 chick threesome. If you can get them drunk enough to agree to a “Catch 22” threesome, you are halfway there. The next day, ensure you mention the night before at least thirty seven times. Repeat over the next week. Be sure to mention that the sex with his girl was great and that she was loving every second (literally) of your loving. Be sure to describe how his girl seemed to really like the night and that you would never let your girl bang another guy and wonder out loud how many other times she has done that. Soon doubt will begin to form in his mind and he’ll start to question the relationship. Wait two weeks and make your move.

5. Convince her he is gay
Every man may not question his sexuality, but every guy’s friend will call in to question his sexual alignment at least three of four times a day. While usually done jokingly, if subtly done in front of the girlfriend, seeds of doubt can be sewn. Leave issues of Men’s Health laying around his apartment with post-it notes on the half naked men pages. Leave Depeche Mode CDs at his desk and sneak ABBA and WHAM! on to his iPod. When he’s not around, ask the girlfriend why best friend has been sneaking out to the local goth bar. Leave a copy of Broke Back Mountain in the DVD player. The final straw should be strategically placed ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” Leave them on the dryer with an opened MAGNUM condom wrapper. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you’ll be available after your time at the greyhound rehabilitation volunteer shift.

6. Convince him to enlist
The best way to approach this is to suggest you enlist together. Talk about the adventures you’ll have overseas and the foreign chicks you will bang. On the day the two of your are going to ship out, show your commanding officer the ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” He’ll kick you out of the military and as your buddy waves from the plane taking him overseas, tell his girl about all the foreign chicks he said he was going to bang while overseas.

7. Sign him up for World of Warcraft
In three weeks, he will have lost interest in her. Make your move.

Patton Oswalt - Black Angus

I split open with laughter every time I hear this Patton Oswalt stand up. (CAUTION: offensive language and reference to cock sucking on the Golden Gate Bridge.)

64 Words from HolyJuan - Buddy Blind Copy

{Editor's note: I was going to write for another site, but I could not fit my format to theirs. We tried to meet in the middle with "64 words," but it just didn't work out. So here is a pilot article whose topic will probably never see the light of day again unless someone requests it.)

Buddy Blind Copy is the art of creating serious e-mail messages that go out to unsuspecting co-workers and clients, but that are also blind copied to your friend(s). Carefully use inside jokes, innuendo and double entendres liberally though the e-mail. Your recipients will be clueless and your friends get a laugh. Just ensure your mate does not "reply to all" and get you fired.

Jesus opens a cleaning business

I got this business card from my classmate Jamey:

Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."

Target: Expect Less. Pay More.

I was just at Target to pick up some toothpaste and Coke. The first display I saw was 12 - 12oz cans of Coke for $3.33. The big red numbers really attracted my attention!

On my way to the check out, I noticed that there were other Cokes for sale, but at a higher price of $3.99. I took a closer look and found out why they cost more: there were 8 - 8oz. cans instead.

I'm not sure what you do with an 8oz Coke, besides drink two of them, but it seems a bit off base to sell them at three times what the twelve ounce Cokes cost. I decided to update the Target tagline in this photo to reflect the pricing.

There is a moral to this story. Being the smug, self centered jerk that I am, I actually did not buy either of these two items and instead opted for the cheaper 2 liter bottle of Coke for $1.69 because 2-liters are always cheaper than the canned stuff.

12 -12oz cans @ 3.33 = .023 per ounce
8 - 8oz cans @ 3.99 = .062 per ounce
1 - 2 liter @ 1.69 = .025 per ounce

I should have bought the 12 oz cans!

I did not take the Bridge to Nowhere

In 1992, at Ohio University, I jokingly told Amy, “Hey, we should go to Alaska and work the salmon season and make a lot of money.” She said, “That’s awesome, let’s do it.” I didn’t really mean it, but I must have sounded positive because Amy bought the, “Go to Alaska and make millions of dollars” book and next thing you know, we were on a plane or three to Ketchikan, Alaska to make our fortune.

Once we landed, we did not take the Bridge to Nowhere for two reasons: the first is that it hadn’t been built yet and the second was that it wouldn’t ever get built in the first place which I guess means that there was only one reason why we didn’t take the bridge.

There is one airport in Ketchikan, though planes land all the time on the surrounding water. To get from the airport to the town, you have to cross the Tongass Narrows on a ferry as there is no bridge (see above.) I can see why people wanted that bridge. We had to wait a full fifteen minutes to take the ferry across. I think it cost $3. Here is Amy waiting for the ferry.

I remember reading that sign and thinking, “Emergency Vehicles First?” I’d hate to be the guy that has a heart attack at the airport and has to wait for the ambulance to come over on the ferry, pick my dying ass up, wait for the 2. Buses and 3. Other Vehicles to load, take the ferry back across and then dump my dead body off at the morgue.

I wonder if the ambulance leaves its lights and sirens on its trip across the water?

Digital sometimes doesn't look better

Google still using IE 6.0?

I read recently that Google is recommending users drop Microsoft's Internet Explorer 6.0. With the varied IE 6.0 issues, I can see why they would suggest people dump IE 6.0 and switch to some other browser (***cough cough Chrome***)

So I was surprised, when perusing my site's visitor log, that I came across someone from Google HQ on my site using IE 6.0!

I assume it was not a bot as they were on my site for two hours looking at varied content (i.e. penis jokes.)

Creepy Digital Camera Mirror

Zune programming error found

I was able to get a hold of the crappy code that crashed the Zune. See below starting with line 10

10 print "apple sucks"
20 goto 10