Lobdo, the Lonely LooLoo Bird

(Author's Note: Stop reading now. This is an incredibly depressing story that is both heartbreaking and irreverent. I warned you.)

Lobdo is a LooLoo Bird. You’ve probably never heard of the LooLoo Bird because they don’t exist anymore.  But Lobdo did exist. He ate worms. He bathed in streams. He sang the LooLoo song which goes, “Loo Loo,” which is how the birds got their name. And Lobdo fell in love.

Lobdo fell in love with another LooLoo bird named Chido. When LooLoos fall in love, they fall in love for life. Fortunately for Lobdo, Chido loved him too.  They ate worms together. They bathed in streams together. They sang the LooLoo song together. And they started a family together.  Four little LooLoos filled their nest. And they were happy.

One day, a very powerful feeling came over Lobdo and Chido. Stronger than the feeling to fly south when it started to get cold. Stronger than the urge to build a nest. The strongest urge ever.

So together they left the nest with the four little LooLoos behind. They flew east.

They found the source of the calling. It was a big boat. There were many animals going towards the boat. Two of every kind.

Together Lobdo and Chido found a spot to rest on the boat. Luckily it was a dry spot because soon it began to rain.  Lobdo and Chido huddled together. They tried not to think of the four baby LooLoos in the nest.

For a very long time it rained.

There was little to eat. Some of the birds were able to eat at the dead bodies floating in the water, but LooLoos don’t like dead meat. The two worms on the ark were safely hidden in the very bottom deck with all the other trillions of insects.

The rain stopped, which many took as good news, but no rain meant no more fresh water.

They endured.

After a very very long time, Noah sent out a bird to look for dry land. It never came back. Mrs. Raven was upset, but not completely. Ravens are kind of assholes.

Then Noah sent out a dove. The dove returned with a branch of a tree. Noah took this as a sign of good luck that the waters were receeding.  Lobdo asked the dove about this and the dove said that actually he had found the branch floating in the water, but he didn’t want to disappoint Noah.

Finally the waters did recede and everyone was happy. Well, the LooLoos were unhappy about their drowned children, but that was all in the past because Chido’s belly was full of new eggs ready to be put into a nest.

When the ark did finally stop, all the animals exited the boat. Noah gathered them all around an alter so they could give thanks to God for saving the chosen few. And Chido went to Noah along with some other animals. Lobdo just wanted to fly off and build that nest, but Chido must have had a reason for flying to Noah.

And the reason turned out to be that Noah needed to sacrifice a few of the animals so that God could be properly thanked.  Noah sacrificed the Yullow Mouse, the Dreemara Beetle, a Unicorn and Chido, the LooLoo bird.

The animals all dispersed, especially the Koalas and Kangaroos who has to swim all the way to Australia.

And Lobdo also flew off.

Lobdo spent his time eating worms (he had to wait until the reproduced so that he wouldn’t make them extinct,) bathing in the streams (though most were filled with rubble, trees and the corpses) but he didn’t feel much like singing.

Lobdo, the LooLoo, was a lonely bird.

Joe Paterno Statue Melted Down

Here is a first hand look at the Joe Paterno statue being melted down in the only place where it would be able to be destroyed.

What Twitter is actually good for

Talk to any Social Media expert and they’ll expound about all the great things Twitter can do for you. Bullshit. Here are the things that Twitter is actually good for:

1. Faking Sick
Let’s say you know you are going to go out on a Thursday and will be in no condition to work on Friday. Start out with a few Tweets Thursday morning about how excited you are for the Thursday night event. At 5:00pm Tweet that you aren’t feeling so hot. At 9:00pm when you are getting ready to head out, Tweet that you just puked. Refrain from Tweeting for the next 12 hours and when you call off sick, your boss will say that they caught your Tweets and hope you feel better.

2. Getting Laid

Like sex? I do! Tweet-ups are excellent occasions to meet people that you can fool into thinking you are some Marketing stud. By putting an “@” in front of your normal fake bar name, you’ll be set. Mingle, drink, talk about iPhone apps, compliment Tweeters on how funny their Tweet from last week was and BOOM… Laidville. It is proper Etiquette to Tweet what a good time you had with @X at the Tweet-up. Block them immediately after.

3. Stalking
It’s easy to stalk when you have half a million people to report where that certain special (future) someone in your life is every minute of the day. Just search Twitter for #lindsaylohan or #BradPitt and you’ll see Tweets telling you the most recent sightings. Now, race to that location! Be prepared to fight other Twits who are doing the same thing you are. Anyone with an iPhone and a sweaty brow should get a quick punch in the back of the neck. Be careful that the Tweet wasn’t a fake to get people to show up at some bar where lonely Tweeters hang out.

4. Tricking people into going to the place you are at
Lonely? Just Tweet “What is (name of famous person) doing in (your town) at (the place you are at)?” When people come racing into the place you are, rush up and tell them that Person X just went to the bathroom and strike up a conversation. At some point you may have to suggest that Person X might have snuck out the back door, but that you could discuss stalking them over dinner.

5. Getting Drunk
Are all your friends wrapped up in a raid or out on dates? Are you bored and looking for a drink? Be sober no longer! Most Twitterers are raging alcoholics looking for a chance to talk to anyone who will listen. Just type in “Anyone want to get a drink?” and you’ll get 5 or 6 replies in no time flat. If you don’t get any replies, just search for “at the bar” and the name of your hometown. Find out where people are at and go find them. You’ll recognize Twitters by the kink in their neck and the half bottle of Heineken.

6. Get good seats at a favorite restaurant
Step 1: pick a extremely busy/famous restaurant
Step 2: Tweet about seeing rats and/or maggots at said restaurant
Step 3: Call in and wait for a cancellation

And the last and greatest thing that Twitter is a good for:

7. A platform for talking about how great Twitter is
It still amazes me that people post links on Twitter to articles about how great Twitter is.