First I laid out the 20 one dollar bills and taped them together.
With a flip, my canvas was ready.
I added some insults that are very personal to Conny. I made them in the first person so the strippers he gives them to will know a little bit more about my good friend Conny.
My personal favorite:
Here is the complete list of insults:
I like little boys.
My birth certificate is an apology from the condom company.
I like Vista.
McCain is Dreamy
I don’t get “The Office.”
I like anal sex, just don’t choke me so hard.
Kazaam was hilarious.
I then took the canvas apart and stacked them so that his secrets would remain as such. I can imagine a young girl with the stage name "The Librarian" getting a piece of this puzzle and wondering what the mystery message was.
Congratulations Conny! You won the bet!
Double or nothing on the OSU v. OU game?
Conny was in town for a few days and we had a few drinks at Byrne's Pub.
During our conversation, he suggested that Ohio State was going to get beat by 14 points in the Championship Game.
So we each bet. Ten bucks if each person's team wins outright. Twenty if the team wins by 14 points.
We drew it up on a napkin. Looks like a logic problem. I like our signatures though.
> >To: Holy Juan
> >Subject: Buckeyes
> >Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 11:02:28 -0600
> >What the hell happened?
> From: email@example.com
> To: Carpanza
> Subject: RE: Buckeyes
> Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 21:09:46 -0500
> COMPLETE SYSTEM FAILURE
> BOOT DISK UNREADABLE
From : Carpanza
Sent : Tuesday, January 9, 2007 11:47 PM
To : Frank Stein
Subject : RE: Buckeyes
Have you tried rebooting?
I figured you were in a drunken stupor trying desperately to make the memories go away. There'll be a lot of crying yourself to sleep and sitting alone bawling in the john at work. You just can't drink enough to make the Buckeye's loss any less painful. You turn to hard drugs. Every time you see a sweater vest you can't stop thinking about what that bad man did to you. You think about changing your name to Kane and walking the earth, like in Kung Fu. You quit caring anymore. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, you see a Gator... you fall to pieces and it's more painful than ever.
Don't go down that path man! Choose life! Just let this comfort you.... at least you're not a Gopher's fan.
But all of a sudden, I have an opinion. Everyone else does too, but mine is right.
The BCS is flawed. It is flawed because there is human input into it. If it were all stats and wins and losses, it would be too mechanical. If it were all human input, it would probably go down to the teams with the most revenue potential. The BCS tries to be a little of both and seems to be about 75% right, 1/3rd of the time. But, we don’t have a playoff system and the BCS is the stepuncle that we have to go to the zoo with.
What’s my opinion? It’s great that the BCS is flawed.
Today, coaches and sporticos will use their human judgment and vote for Florida. Michigan will cry and pout and point fingers and use the word “shoulda” a hundred times, but they would do the same thing if they were in Ohio State’s 12-0 shoes. No one, except everyone in Michigan, wants to see a replay. No one wants to see a team that came in second in the Big Ten go to the championship. And no one wants to see a possible Michigan win create a one to one tie. Fortunately, the system is flawed and because of that flaw, we will get an unflawed decision.
Florida (from what other people tell me I should believe) had a pretty tough schedule. They won their division. They have better uniforms than Michigan. I can’t see why they shouldn’t play Ohio State.
My prediction: lots of bitching and moaning from the team up north. And an Ohio State win vs Florida in the 2006 National Championship: 38 – 20.
Suck it, BCS. Suck it, Michigan.
And oddly enough, for the 3rd year in a row, I have a business trip to Guam that leaves at 2:00pm on the Saturday of the OSU v Michigan game. The business trip returns sometime Sunday morning, depending on flights and customs.
Sadly, the trinkets and post cards at the Guam Duty Free Shop are overpriced and I never seem to bring any home.
I do have a series of photos of me there last year. Miss Sally always asks to see the photographs.
Here I am on Mucholohi Beach:
Here I am participating in a native dance ritual:
Here I am at a local street fair:
Looks like it's going to be another boring trip again this year. I'll try and bring back a shell or something. Unless I forget again.
In this fake world, I found myself making a bet with Carpanza. Carpanza’s some guy out of Minneapolis that likes to drink and seems like he’s got his shit together. We are in a Fantasy Football league and we "talk" crap, via the internet, about how crappy the other guy’s crappy players are. We also found ourselves talking smack about Ohio State and the Iowa Hawkeyes. While this talk of the smack was commencing, I made a bet with him that Ohio State would beat the Hawkeyes. He disagreed and agreed to the bet. The wager was for the winner’s choice of a six pack of beer from beeronthewall.com.
Ohio State won.
I chose a six pack of Lost Coast’s Downtown Brown. This was one of Miss Sally favorite beers back when our relationship was young. She had drank it in California and we couldn’t find a distributor in Ohio. It seems the only way to get it is by winning a bet.
So here’s where it got interesting for me. Would Carpanza, an imaginary internet character, actually buy a six pack of beer and have it shipped to some stranger in Ohio who was also probably imaginary?
Today we received a very well packaged, 6-pack of Downtown Brown. The bottles were lovingly swaddled in cardboard and they even folded up the decorative, 6-pack carrier and included it in the box. It was beautiful.
As I type, they are chilling in the refrigerator, waiting for me to savor a Buckeye win, the warm memories of young love and my new belief that perhaps there is a shred of humanity out there in the electronic aether.
The enclosed card read, “I hope this beer arrives skunky, and gives you explosive diarrhea.”