Showing posts with label President Bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label President Bush. Show all posts

Former President Bush Pretty Much Doing What He Was a Year Ago

CRAWFORD, TX (HJ) – The first three months out of office are being called a success by former President George W. Bush. “I’d pretty much call my retirement a slam dunk so far,” remarked the former President from Crawford, Texas. Former President Bush allowed us to sit with him for a moment while he whittled on the front porch of his ranch. “I’m thinking that my approval rating has gone up at least.”

Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”

Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”

The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”

When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”

“Senior General Than Shweie, you're doing a heck of a job!"

In the midst of disaster, it is good to see that the United States’ President is concerned about the welfare of the people in Myanmar. While preparing for his daughter’s wedding and fighting terrorism, George W Bush has taken time out of his busy schedule to comment on the handling of the disaster in ex-Burma:

President Bush stated, “Senior General Than Shweie, you're doing a heck of a job!"

What you shouldn't do when you are in the Secret Service

Oddly enough, I know a guy who is in the Secret Service. I know another guy who isn’t. Him first.

The other guy was the perfect candidate for the Secret Service. He had military service. He liked guns. He was very smart, but just dumb enough to step in front of a bullet. Sadly, he did not pass a certain level of the Secret Service interview tests. I guess they hook you up to a machine and ask you various questions about morals and honor and if you would have sex with a chicken. Sadly, he failed this part of the test. I can almost (almost) guarantee that he wasn’t a chicken fucker, but he did take offense to the implication that he might be. He was not asked back to continue the process. He is now a professional chicken fucker on the internet.

The first guy (let’s call him Ralph) did make it past the chicken fucking question and is now an agent in the Secret Service. While Ralph was still being interviewed for the position, the Secret Service went out and questioned his friends and family. I was one of those people. The dude they sent out to interview me sucked every last drop of dirt I had on Ralph. I didn’t mean to rat him out on the drunken fun we had in college, but this SS agent somehow loosened my tongue and before I knew it I was relating stories about smoking pot and getting into fights and arrests for jay walking. After it was all said and done, I was sure that Ralph would never get the job. Perhaps my answers actually matched Ralph’s. He is a very honest guy.

After a few months, Ralph was assigned Presidential duty. I guess there is a lot of stuff the Secret Service does besides guard the President. Ralph wouldn’t say what, but what he didn’t tell me sounded interesting. What he did tell me was this:

Ralph was assigned to stand around the tarmac by himself, observing the herded crowd, while the President disembarked from Air Force One. He was watching for bad guys. He had the thing in his ear and a gun and sunglasses. He was very excited. The President walked out of the plane and waved to the crowd. Hurrah! He turned in Ralph’s direction and waved. Ralph was the only one standing there… so he waved back. Ralph suddenly realized what he was doing and put his hand down.

Later on, Ralph admitted to some other agents what he had done. In between fits of hysterical laughter, the got a hold of the video surveillance tape and confirmed the wave. I think most of the Secret Service has seen it now. I’m not sure as a joke or if it is being used for training.