The Somewhat Reverse Gift of the Magi

Sally had something to tell me and she did not want me to be mad.

I, too, had something to say to her and I hoped the same.

My something I had to tell her was about my sneakers.  About eight years ago I gave up on my manliness and allowed Miss Sally to take over the purchasing of my shoes.  I'm not sure if you've ever seen what shoes I usually pick out, but they are awful and she's much better at picking out shoes than me.  The last eight years of shoes have been great and Miss Sally deserves all the credit.

Until recently.

Miss Sally bought me a pair of sneakers and at first glance I knew they were not my style. So I said, "These look great!" and took them upstairs.  I didn't like them, but since I know nothing about fashion, I assumed they would grow on me after a while.

They didn't.

But I kept my mouth shut.

This past Sunday I was painting in the bathroom while Sally took Ann to gymnastics.  I had on my Ohio University sweatshirt that I love. It is very plain and green with Ohio University across the front. Sadly, I forgot I was wearing it and before I knew it, I had paint on the elbows.  I ran downstairs and lit it up with spray stain remover.  I threw it in the washer and hoped for the best.

When Sally came home I shared my story with her about the sweat shirt getting paint on it and me thinking it was ruined. That was when she said, "Can I tell you something if you won't get mad?"

This was my opening! I knew that if she told me something, I could tell her about the sneakers and we would be even.  So I lied, "Of course you can tell me something and I won't be mad." And then I told the truth, "As long as I can tell you something if you won't get mad at me."


Then Sally proceeded to make me mad.

"I don't like that Ohio University sweatshirt on you. I never did.  The collar is too high and it makes you look like a floating head."

Ouch. I am very touchy about my big, fat over-sized head.

She said that when I told her I got paint on it, she secretly cheered on the inside.

I said that I wasn't hurt and that I was sorry she felt that way and that I was sorry that HER SENSE OF SWEATSHIRT FASHION WAS WAY OFF.

Then I told her I didn't like my sneakers. But somehow that didn't phase her. Then we both went off to do the things that married couples do on a Sunday night when they are pretending that they are not mad at each other.

So here I sit, in my Ohio University sweatshirt with the paint stains that didn't come out, wearing the sneakers that I never really liked, remembering that Miss Sally is the best wife anyone could ever hope to have because the worst fight we have ever had involved me having a big floating head and a pair of sneakers that maybe have too many stripes on them.

I am the luckiest man in the world. And I wouldn't trade that for hair combs or a pocket watch chain,ever.

Things I Have Learned as a Husband

Filling a dirty pan with water and letting it soak is not considered washing it.

Staying out late is being out until 11:59pm
Staying out all night is anytime past 12:01am

If your wife says she doesn’t want jewelry, she does.

Wives like sex, just not right now.

The bed does not make itself. Saying that you are just going to sleep in it again is not a valid excuse.

It was not pure luck that my work shirts are hanging in the closet.

Always keep track of favors and tasks. If you owe, it’s best to remember and pay up. It is human nature to remember that you’ve done the laundry the last 30 times or given the last 5 baths. Try to keep it even.

My kids might have a sense of humor and know what The Force is because of me, but all the other credit goes to my wife.

Don’t mention that you found hair in the shower.

Most everything is a test. I’m scoring in the low 20s and there is no curve.

Grey hair only exists on my head.

Putting away leftovers does not mean eating what’s left out of the pan over the sink.

Whole cucumbers do not belong in the garbage disposal no matter what cool noise they make.

If there is a good looking girl at work, I immediately go home and tell my wife about her. I’m not sure why except that it seems like the right thing to do.

It’s not worth arguing about toilet seat status or how much toilet paper makes up a single use.

When you get into an argument in the car there is usually nothing interesting to look at out the window.

Whoever cooks, the other person does the dishes.

It is better for me to go to work unshaven than to use the pink razor in the shower. (Or I should learn to rinse the pink razor better.)

Don’t discuss your sex life on the internet.

Before two kids it was morning sex. After two kids it’s mourning sex.

I am not a very good learner.

My wife is the most tolerant woman in the world. I love her very much. Happy Valentine's Day!

Recycling a website article is not considered a valid Valentine's Day present.

Lake Erie to be renamed Lake Ohio

COLUMBUS, OH (FD)- The Ohio Senate voted unanimously on S.B. 189 this past Thursday to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. Senator Donald Goldman (R) and Senator Robert Mueller (D) co-sponsored the bill in a most unusual spirit of bipartisanship in The Ohio General Assembly. Senator Goldman stated on Friday morning, “I think most Ohioans are behind this name change and quite frankly, we own most of the lake anyways. This has been a long time coming”

Lake Erie is the eleventh largest lake in the world (by surface area), and the fourth largest of the Great Lakes in surface area though the smallest by volume. Ohio has access to the largest portion of the lake or 11,700 sq mi (30,400 sq km) as compared to Michigan with a paltry 5800 sq mi (15,100 sq km.)

The greater part of its southern shore was at one time occupied by a nation known to the Iroquois League as the "Erielhonan," or the "long-tails," a tribe of Indians from which the lake derived its name. An unnamed Senator said off the record, “Most Indians do not like to have things named after them anyways. They have been after the Cleveland Indians for years. I think the Iroquois descendants will be happy with this as long as they aren’t all dead.”

When questions about how most people remember the names of the lakes through the mnemonic, H.O.M.E.S. (HuronOntarioMichiganErieSuperior), Senator Mueller paused and said, “Is that going to be HOMOS now? I didn’t think of that. It almost makes it easier to remember.”