Showing posts with label Shorty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shorty. Show all posts

White Elephant parties explained

White Elephant gift exchanges can add a spark to your holiday party. Though as the host, be prepared to throw away 150 pounds of worthless crap that your guests leave behind. (Who wants to lug home a broken scanner/copier/fax with unused magenta ink cartridge?)

Shorty and Kim recently hosted a holiday party and their White Elephant exchange went very well. We had a wide range of packages, boxes and burlap sacks that filled the spectrum of textbook White Elephant gifts. I thought it would be a public service to utilize photos from the party to demonstrate the different types of gifts you will see at a White Elephant.

The Re-Gift
The simplest form of White Elephant is the re-gift. This is a present that was given to you by someone who thought you might actually need or want it. Be sure to wipe the dust off the box before you wrap it.

{S’Mores Maker – Comes with everything you need to make s’mores except marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate and fire.}

The Re-re-gift
A classic! This is a gift that is given with the intention of having it re-gifted at a later date. The gift is usually campy and has a light on the inside of it. If you give a re-re-gift and see it sitting on your friend’s bookshelf, you have failed. If you receive the same re-re-gift back again ten years later at another White Elephant party, you have succeeded.

{Purse Lamp with Faux Fur}

The Closet Gift
Most White Elephant gifts are selected ten minutes before the giver leaves for the party. The Closet Gift is pulled from the bottom junk closet and shoved in a gift bag right before the party starts. The Closet Gift does not come in a box and is thrown in a gift bag or it is wrapped as is. This usually leads to a lot of guessing to the wrapped contents during the selection process. “Hmmmm, I wonder what is inside the gift that is Alvin with a hula-hoop shaped?” If you go to enough White Elephant parties, you can get your spring cleaning done months in advance.

{Hula Hooping Alvin with looping, audio track}

Dog Turd
This little known but enticing gift is exactly what you think it is. Be sure to put the poop in a plastic bag with the date you collected it. Labeling the breed on the bag is optional. It is customary to add a few of your unused senior pictures in the box along with the dogshit.

{Dog Turds}

Fruit Cake
Surprisingly, fruit cake is the closest evidence we have to proving the existence of God. At any given White Elephant party, someone will bring a fruit cake. But somehow, against all odds, only one person brings THE fruit cake. Usually God will come to you in a dream and request that you bring the fruit cake. It is an honor. For years, atheists have been trying to bring additional fruit cakes to nay say, but somehow these bogus fruit cakes are “accidentally” left at home or “somehow” forgotten in the car. It has been recorded that Calista Flockhart was converted to Christianity at a White Elephant party in 1992 when our Lord came to her in a dream, in the form of a sandwich, to give her the task of bringing the fruitcake.

It is customary to also give a humorous hand painted holiday sign along with the fruit cake. Almighty God, we beseech thee, Amen.

{Fruit Cake and Humorous Hand Painted Holiday Sign}

Not Useless Yet
Sometimes you have valuable items at home that will expire at year’s end. Why not share the last dying gasps of a gift’s life with a friend? Calendars are a great Not Useless Yet gift. Condoms that are about to expire are also desirable. Frozen foods and canned items are acceptable. DO NOT GIVE COUPONS, ASSHOLE.

{"365 Days of Duct Tape Fixes Calendar"}

Grab Bag
This gift is similar to the Closet Gift except that it is several smaller items tossed together. Visibly used items are the key here. You’ll want to stop at the Quicky-Mart on the way over to top off the selection of items. It’s also best to wrap the items inside a burlap sack. Burlap is the new cotton.

{Candles, Whoopie Cushion, Several varieties of mints, brass candle holder basket- All wrapped up in a burlap bag (not in photo.}

Fiber Optics
This one is sure to get traded back and forth at the party! The Fiber Optic gift is the hardest to part with, but reaps the greatest reward. The multicolored changing lights. The rush to find an outlet to plug it in. The secondary rush to find the switch to turn off the lights. The 15 minutes it takes to figure out how to take a clear photo of the fucking thing! Brilliant!

{Fiber Optic Rotating Glass Penguin Sculpture}

The Odds Beater
You don’t know that you’ve given an Odds Beater gift until it is opened. You thought it was a Closet Gift or a Re-Gift, but what you don’t realize is the receiver of this gift was at Wal-Mart just that afternoon, thinking about buying said item. There is usually a bit of jumping up and down and “Oh my Gods!” Do not mention that you thought it was a piece of shit. Try this line, “Oh I was hoping that you were going to pick mine!”

{6.5” 120 Watt (peak) dual speakers}

At the end of the night, I ended up with a DVD copy of “Badder Santa” (the unrated version) and Miss Sally received an educational “You’re it. Get Fit!” DVD. We’ve got the makings for a Grab Bag for next year’s party.

The First and Probably Last HolyJuan Caption Contest

Please caption the following photo. Leave your caption in the comments The winner gets an official HolyJuan refrigerator magnet. (Not sold in stores.)

Shower Curtain Practical Joke (NSFW)

(CAUTION: This post is not safe for work, small children and most of the Middle East.)

Kim and Shorty held their mostly annual Christmas party this year and John decided to liven up the event via a shower curtain he purchased on the internet.

He originally meant to buy the (you don't want to click on this link)FISTING SHOWER CURTAIN, but it was probably so wildly popular that it was sold out and he instead got the SMDB curtain.

John was giddy when he and Bekah arrived at the party. They sneaked up to the guest bathroom and were relieved when the guest bathroom shower curtain hooks would work with their gift. They hung it up and the upstairs was immediatley filled with a stinky, chemical vinyl smell. Or it was a scratch and sniff curtain.

Here is the curtain installed:

Miss Sally and Lynne enjoying the curtain:

I never noticed it before, but the black shirts make it look like Miss Sally and Lynne are groping each other!

It took about two hours for Kim and Shorty to figure out the curtain was up. I assume they kept it up for a few months becuase they enjoyed it so much.

Shorty Can Dance!

I don't know who to credit this photo to, but I do know that that guy looks like Shorty and Kim should be proud.

Draw to the right

This is the last Meshell - Shorty - Doug napkin drawing post. I swear. Really!

This was one of the first sketches we did which was to draw the person on your right. I thought it would be interesting to see everyone's perspective from the left side. That's why I drew mine like this:

Of course, I was wrong. Meshell drew Shorty as he looks at others. Other chicks that is.

And Shorty just drew my face. The joke being that my head is too big to fit on a single piece of paper.

Asshole. His head is exactly the same as mine. Too big.

Feel free to e-mail me sketches of yourself. I'll post you along with a 17 word description of who I think you are.

Napkin canvases

Last night, Meshell, Shorty and I got together at B Hamptons to get a drink. During one of Shorty’s five trips outside to talk on the phone (i.e. smoke), Meshell and I started doodling on napkins. When Short got back, he joined in.

Most of what we drew is, well, disgusting if not a crime against good taste.

We ended up playing a game where everyone wrote down a noun and a verb ending with “ing” on their napkin. The napkin was passed to the right and the person would have to draw what was written on the napkin. I think I can show you those without embarassing anyone. (I'm not really sure how Meshell and I both chose to use the word "house" as our noun. Drinking ESP.)

House Stealing - by Short

House Killing - by Meshell

Tit Fucking - by Doug

By the end of the night, we had a huge stack of napkins filled with ink and sin. I shoved them all in my jacket pocket with promises of scanning them all when I got home. On my way to work this morning, I wondered for about five minutes why my jacket wasn't fitting right.