E.T. in a lava lamp

We fired up Greg's lava lamp before bed and this emerged. It looks a lot alike an E.T. preserved in a jar:
With flash.

Without flash.

What is the rabbit measuring?

This scan is from Rosemary Wells' "Timothy Goes to School."

My son asked me, "What is the rabbit measuring?" I said, "Um, the table leg." He said, "The ruler is not straight." I just kept reading.

Reverse Psychology

Please DO NOT comment on this post about reverse psychology.

Thank you.

Just prop her up for the photo, then we can bury her

We order packing supplies from Uline. They are a good company and if you order enough, they give you free crap that you would never buy on your own, but since it's free it's AWESOME. I was looking through the most recent catalog when I came across this photo and thought to myself, "That woman is dead and they are propping her up for the photo." You be the judge:

I assume that she died a hour or so before the photo and the company knew that they needed more than one woman in the photo, so they kept her around long enough to get a few shots.

Good news is, Uline carries coffin sized crates!

Shower Curtain Practical Joke (NSFW)

(CAUTION: This post is not safe for work, small children and most of the Middle East.)

Kim and Shorty held their mostly annual Christmas party this year and John decided to liven up the event via a shower curtain he purchased on the internet.

He originally meant to buy the (you don't want to click on this link)FISTING SHOWER CURTAIN, but it was probably so wildly popular that it was sold out and he instead got the SMDB curtain.

John was giddy when he and Bekah arrived at the party. They sneaked up to the guest bathroom and were relieved when the guest bathroom shower curtain hooks would work with their gift. They hung it up and the upstairs was immediatley filled with a stinky, chemical vinyl smell. Or it was a scratch and sniff curtain.

Here is the curtain installed:

Miss Sally and Lynne enjoying the curtain:

I never noticed it before, but the black shirts make it look like Miss Sally and Lynne are groping each other!

It took about two hours for Kim and Shorty to figure out the curtain was up. I assume they kept it up for a few months becuase they enjoyed it so much.

Automobile Driving Pledge

Read this pledge. Agree to it by signing your name in the comments. Print out the Driving Pledge Membership Card. If you get pulled over, it won’t help you get out of a ticket, but it will give the officer a good laugh.

1. I pledge to follow all the driving laws of my state. When I am in your state, I’ll try to follow those, too.

2. I pledge not to drive like a douche, except in such situations that would conflict with Pledge 1.

3. I pledge to only be in the passing lane to pass a slower moving vehicle and that I will pass said slower vehicle at up to 33% over the speed limit so that I don’t slow down the people behind me. I also realize and accept that this violates Pledge 1.

4. I pledge to only break Pledge 1 when following Pledge 3 or Pledge 5.

5. I pledge to follow all these pledges, except for Pledge 4 when it conflicts with this one.


Sadly, GQ rejected me in 2009 for their next year's calendar. They finally sent my photo back:

It took me about half an hour to get down from there.

Math Problem is a Problem

Can anyone help me with this 1st grade level math problem?

How Long is Your Finger?

My co-worker, Levi, decided to not deal with the hassle of carrying around a 3 inch ruler, so he had one tattooed on his finger. I'm sure it is a great idea, but now in Levi's language there are only things that are less than 3" and more than 3".

Eating an Eagle

A man is brought before the judge. He was found by park rangers, in the middle of the forest, eating a bald eagle. The judge said, "Before I lock you up, I'll give you a chance to explain yourself."

The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!

The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."

Census Letter

Did you get the Census letter about the pamphlet about the postcard?

Getting it out of the way

Normally, my 1st grader has one word family word each week (words with the same ending like big, rig and dig.) This week he had two. I'm starting to think the teacher is trying to wrap it all up in one week.

Next week's word families: _hit and _unt.

Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers

Blackwater is in deep water. A number of months ago, Iraq denied the protection services company a renewal of their operating license. This left hundreds of highly trained protection services people angry and bored. The last thing anyone wants is for three or four Blackwater guys to wake up in the morning and say, “What do you want to do today?”

To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.

Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.

Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.

Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.

Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.

Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.

Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.

Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.

What up, Stu!

Of all people, I ran into Stu at Circus during the Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos show. Time has been good to him, but obviously his vision is the only thing that has changed.

Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos in Columbus, OH March 2010

Margot came into Columbus on Thursday and I was happy. I bought two tickets and conned Dustin into going. We met at Skully's for pre-concert drinks and walked down to Circus around 9:00pm.

When we walked into Circus, I thought that a group of Amish carpenters had been hired to build a stage, but it turned out that it was the opening band.

It was hard to tell where the band ended and the crowd began as many of the members poured off the stage and stood in front. Interestingly enough, Erik Kang of Margot was one of the band members off the stage.

The band turned out to be Super Desserts and they have a very interesting sound. I loved the female vocals and the strings blended quite nicely.

I suggest you check out this video of their song Funeral. As a future commenter will post, it will have you "at work today humming "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" all day.

The second band was Dolson. I was taken aback by their set. When I was doing some pre-concert research, I went to their MySpace page and listened to a few of their songs. They sounded pretty mellow. I can dig mellow. But when they came out, they rocked.

It was a pleasant surprise, as I wanted to wait until the main act to weep. Check out their site and give them a listen, but I highly recommend catching them live.

The next group up was the Four Douchebags. Not a musical group, but rather four fucks in leather jackets. The photos speak for themselves.

Luckily they moved on before Margot got on stage.

Margot rolled on stage and something was amiss. I noticed that Emily Watkins' carved keyboard was not on stage. My initial thought was that it was in the shop and this taped together hunk of junk was the loaner. No problem. Until the anti-Emily Watkins sat down behind the board and began to play.

Also missing was the un-missable Casey Tennis. I was sad. I secretly hoped they had bad sushi earlier in the day, but a fan standing next to us said that four of the original members had left the band.

Crap. It's sad because the show rocked. Richard Edwards is an excellent musician and I dig his lyrics and I love his music, but the guy oozes prick. No, his prick doesn't ooze; I can just tell that they guy is probably pretty hard to get a long with. He seems like he knows what his music is and that you should not try and tell him otherwise.

Other band members literally take a back seat to Edwards.

I will continue to follow Margot where ever Richard takes them. And now I'm left wondering what Emily is up to and what barbed wire stuffed animals Casey is sticking in his pants.


Dustin uses his iPhone to figure out what Britney Spears song was playing in between sets.

The Fourth Douchebag cannot afford a leather jacket.

Cryptic words on Edwards' guitar.

I assume the gaffers tape was covering up something.
HolyJuan and Dustin. The average of our ages was the second oldest person at this show.

Redneck Stoplight Traffic Camera Deterrent

I saw this driving home today. That squirrel was sound asleep.

I think this is some kind of redneck stoplight traffic camera deterrent.

Greece Fakes Earthquake in Attempt to Get Out of Debt

LONDON (FD) – Greece has fallen upon hard times and is on the verge of financial collapse. The Greek government has tried many tactics such as freezing pensions, cutting salaries and adding taxes with limited success.

In light of several recent natural disasters around the globe, the government of Greece decided to try something different. In 2010, when Haiti was struck with their natural disaster, the international community decided to forgive Haiti’s debts.

So Greece decided to fake a massive earthquake.

It started with an organized Twitter campaign to begin a viral news event.

As the Tweets ramped up, #greece #earthquake and #IFeltIt began to trend. As usual with Twitter, when one person claimed they felt an earthquake, others began to think they too had felt the earthquake.

The borders of Greece were closed to all media to keep them “out of harms way.”

The government began to release photos of the devastation.





MEMORIAL (TRANSLATION: Ranstooplooolis Gyro Cart - CLOSED)

Within the first hour of the news, sixty three thousand charities popped up in the United States. Within two hours, there were eight celebrity videos. By nine o'clock that evening, there were two made for television movies in the can. And by midnight, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had adopted 426 Grecian orphans.

The fake earthquake ultimately failed after the Greek government neglected to share this plan with the general population of Greece. As people called in to loved ones and to check on damage, the population had no clue what anyone was talking about.

In less than 24 hours the charade was over with the Government of Greece explaining that it was all one big misunderstanding and that it hoped it would be able to return the donated 1.7 billion dollars over the next 50 years.

Photo Credits from Flickr: Sean Wallis, Gothphil, Josh Clark, Ken Mayer and Underthesun.

Reddit Secret Santa Surprise

I am a fan of Reddit.com. This past holiday season, they put together the biggest Secret Santa gift exchange ever. Reddit community members were assigned another member for whom to buy a gift with the knowledge that they, too, would receive a gift. Thousands of people were involved and it was a beautiful thing.

I signed up and received my Secret Santa’s name and address. I bought this person a few gifts, wrapped them and sent them out. That was December 10th.

The folks at Reddit set up a website so that users could track when they got a gift and learn when their Secret Santa got their gift and how they reacted. People posted photos and stories. Some were happy and many were ecstatic. I waited for my Secret Santa to get his gift and for my Secret Santa gift to arrive.

Did I mention that that was December 10th?

Time passes. I did not get my gift and my Secret Santa never posted that he received his gift. I was sad.

I gave up at the end of January. Even a bomb shaped gift from Australia going though customs would have made it by February.

And then today…

Today, Gary stopped me in the hallway at work. He said there was a package for me on his cart. I didn’t think much of it until I saw the beat up box with the word HolyJuan on the top. For a fragment of a moment I thought my Secret Santa gift had finally arrived.

Then I realized that the box was my box and the address was my return address and the large stamp on top said UNCLAIMED and RETURN TO SENDER.

And again I was sad.

Then I remembered what Dad once said. He said, “The best gifts are sometimes the ones you buy yourself.”

So I took my box home and gave it to my son Greg.

Here’s Greg when he found out that my package didn’t make it to the person it was supposed to get to.

And here he is finding out that the gifts inside are now for him!

The unboxing:

The interior of the box. A couple wrapped presents:

The first gift.. a HolyJuan.com refrigerator magnet

Unwrapping Gift #2

A gyroscope!

The note attached to the gyroscope:

I've wanted a gyroscope for
years and never bought one.
So I bought one and I'm
giving it to you.
no one has ever accused me
of being smart.

Opening the third gift:

Star Wars Mad Libs!

Here is the note attached to the Mad Libs:

Hello thehax0rist,
I thought you would enjoy
this Star Wars Mad-Lib.
I think this is actually
how Lucas wrote it in
the first place.

Happy Holidays!

Here is Greg and my first Mad Lib together:

And while the math isn't completely right, two people were very happy with how their Reddit Secret Santa turned out.

See you next Christmas!