New Star Wars Character: General Phallus

Greg got a General Pharl McQuarrie Star Wars action figure for Christmas.

His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.

I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.

Greg and Dad - Voting Difficulties

I am starting a new segment called "Greg and Dad." These are single panel cartoons that are drawn by Greg with text by Dad. The only thing I provide is the panel for Greg to draw in. Or at least in close proximity to.

Subliminal Company Logo

Any guesses?

You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.

Baby Ann in Columbus Monthly

Ann's photo was in the November issue of Columbus Monthly magazine. Erlina from Erlina Kim Photography was featured in a section about baby photography.

Damn. She is cute.

You're moving from LA to where?

{Author's Note: This has been updated as of 12/18/07 5-5-09... many a few things a lot of stuff has changed.}

Dear Amber,

My friend Lacey shared with me that you are moving have moved from Los Angeles to Columbus, OH. (I put OH after Columbus as we are not cool enough just to be known as just Columbus.) I do not know why Lacey would suggest me as your virtual tour guide except that once I gave her directions on how to get to the Columbus Zoo. She ended up in OrlandoLos Angeles so I’m not sure what that says about me.

There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.

I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:

Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:

If you like Mexican, margaritas and patio dining:
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you.
Estradas has closed, but has re-opened as the NEW B-Hamptons. See BARS.

If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.

As a replacement, let me suggest the Tropical Bistro. Columbus used to be home to an unbelievable Tiki Restaurant called The Kahiki. Somebody must have worn the bad luck necklace from the Brady Bunch into it because it was closed down and replaced by a CVS. The Kahiki was stripped and all the decorative goodies were lovingly stored in a warehouse. Six years later, a tornado passed through the warehouse, gathered up the scenic elements and into a strip mall where the decorations were randomly stuck to the walls of an old Chinese carryout. They then decided to open up a bistro there. The Tropical Bistro has one of the chef's from the Kahiki and a couple of the bartenders as well. It's not the Kahiki, but when your are thirsty, you’ll drink about anything. They still make the best Suffering Bastard. CLOSED

If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here

If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.

If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.

Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Claddagh Irish Pub

Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.

Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.

Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.

Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.

The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.

The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.

Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:

The R Bar (North of Campus and in the Arena District)
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all got laid off from COSI. Well, shit....}

B-Hamptons (awesome happy hour and good looking clientel)
I wept when I got the news.
B Hamptons has been re-born as Hampton's on King
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
The Round Bar (Look for the bartender who uses a scrunchie to flirt with the clientèle.) A fucking shame.

I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.

Wear black. Take a friend.
Hopefully with re-open.

I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!

Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}

Ten Ways I Exposed Myself to be a Dumbass

Voted for Bush in 2000
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”

Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?

Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.

Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)

Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.

Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.

I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.

Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.

Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.

Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.

Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.

The Christmas Miracle or How I Lied to My Wife

Let's be honest, Christmas is a huge pain in the ass. Yes, there is the love and the family and the opportunity to look back over the past year and see that things are going well / could be worse / will get better next year / pass the bottle of Wild Turkey. But the preparations for that magnificent moment are what weigh down on me. Lights on the house. Decorations. Lying about certain guys in red suits. Shopping. And getting the tree.

The tree.

When I was a kid, we’d drive out to the local tree farm and search though an acre of land to find the “perfect” tree. Dad would use his arm span to determine the tree height, width, its mass and amount of drag it would cause on the top of the car. We’d all take turns at a few saw cuts on the base before we’d notice that the tree trunk was outrageously crooked and then we’d repeat the whole process at the “almost perfect” tree right next to the first. Timber! We would then drag the tree through the grass and mud wishing there was snow. With a combination of twine and string and rope, we’d fasten the tree to the car through the backseat windows and dad would have us get in the front doors and clamber over the seat to get into the back. (Do not carry the saw with you as you flop over the seats!) The way home had father using a combination of slight steering adjustments, even slighter breaking and drafting to keep the tree from falling off the roof.

Nowadays, the wife and I go to a tree lot. We found a place that has a good selection and reasonable pricing. My four year old, Greg, likes to play hide and seek in the fake forest. Last year it wasn’t hide and seek but rather “Greg won’t answer when mom calls frantically for him for five minutes.” We found a tree rather quickly this year and Sally had to stand next to it while Greg and I snuck through the forest. Once we paid for the tree, the three guys smoking cigarettes by the fire pit simultaneously cut off the bottom, trimmed back branches on the trunk to exactly 8” and tied the tree to the roof of the van (sadly, not through the windows.)

We got home and set the tree up. I let it acclimate to our home’s particular temperature and humidity (or let it “fall” as dad calls it.) I got through attaching the first series of bulbs to the very top of the tree before Miss Sally inquired if I had tested the lights first. I hadn’t, which made 1/3rd of them immediately not work when I did plug them in. That aside, all else went well. As we trimmed it, Greg stuck his army men in the branches. I watered the tree and we all went to bed.

The next morning I tried to add more water to the tree, but only soaked the carpet when the base overflowed from the very first bit of water poured in. I stuck my hand in… it was still full. Miss Sally said she had not filled it which meant the tree was not taking water. We decided to wait to see what would happen that night.

The water was still there except for the tiny bit that the cat might have drank out of it. I went to bed with images of spontaneous combustion and cats on fire running through my head. The next morning, Miss Sally said she had not slept a wink, not because of our children dying in a tree induced fire, but because she thought all the needles were going to fall off and the tree would look like a barren twig by Christmas. It was time for drastic measures. So I ran to the internet.

My search revealed a suggestion that you can attempt to tip the tree, cut an additional inch or two off and reset it, hoping for the best. We laid down towels and blankets, set the tree down with army men falling to their deaths. I cut off two inches just to be sure and we set the tree back up without loss of a single Christmas ornament. I re-filled the base with water and we waited. I thought I could hear the tree slurping up the water. I thought.

Hours later, right before bed, the water level was still the same. I then made a decision to lie. Miss Sally would get a good night sleep this night! I went into the kitchen and told Sally that the tree was taking the water and that I was going to re-fill it. She was relieved. I fake filled it and we went to bed. Sally slept.

That next morning, I shared my evil plan with my friend John. I would siphon water out of the base with a turkey baster and re-fill the base with watering help from Greg, adding to the lie and making him an unknowing accomplice. John simplified my plan when he suggested that I just tell Sally that I was filling the base in the mornings after she left for work. Genius.

This evening, I went to fake fill the base. As I ran the water for a minute, but only filled the container with only a cup of water, I began to feel guilty. But that only lasted a few seconds and I ran to top off the water in the tree base.

And that is when the Christmas miracle happened! The base was empty! The tree was drinking the water! I stuck my hand way down into the bottom and there was just a bit of water left. I went back to the sink, filled the container and topped off the base, this time for real.

At dinner, I confessed my sins to Miss Sally. I came clean about everything. I said that I was doing it all for her. I said it was a Christmas miracle.

She asked me what else I was lying about.

Tonight, as I sleep on the couch, I’ll be able to see the glow of the Christmas lights in the family room.

Unless that’s the glow of a cat on fire.

Words and Phrases You Should Hate

Here is a list of common words and phrases I cannot stand. See if your hated verbiage is in the list!

This word completely pisses me off. Perhaps it is how falls out of the mouth with such disdain. Or that it is one of the few words in which you don’t use your tongue to pronounce. Most of all, it’s the compression of so much indifference that is crammed into a three letter word. People use it to replace pages of text and explanation. It’s like saying, “I don’t care about you or your opinion enough to reply with anything but a monosyllabic, muted yelp." On top of all that, I'm compelled to say it out loud whenever I read it. Meh. Yuck.

You’ve got your work cut out for you
Who thought of this crappy phrase? It’s ass backwards. The phrase is supposed to mean that you have a tough job ahead with a lot of pain and suffering sprinkled on top. I think most people understand it as such when reading or hearing it. But what I don’t get is that if your work is all ready cut out for you, the first step would be done and you’d be that much closer to completing your task. What would be a lot of work is if you had to cut the work out yourself and then do it. I guess that phrase would be, “You’ve got your work to cut out.” Now that I’ve written it, I’m not so pleased with that one either.

Don’t go there
This phrase has crossed ethnic boundaries and become popular with whitey which has caused it to fail. A lot of times you will see this phrase accentuated with "uh-huh" and "girl" and various closed mouth noises and finger wagging. By saying "Don't go there" you are admitting guilt of having been "there" and of doing something embarrassing while "there." Just don’t go there.

This word is used too often and people don’t really know its true power. Absolutely is a commanding word with no ifs ands or buts. It should be used with caution. If someone responds “absolutely” to your question, you should feel empowered and take them up on it. I get it a lot when asking to speak to someone over the phone. “Can I please speak with Mr. Jones?” “Absolutely.” At that moment, I am thusly sanctioned to let Mr. Jones hear what ever I want to tell him about my kids or my thoughts on how he’s running his company into the ground. Next time someone says “absolutely” to you, clarify that is what they said and then have at it.

I simply don’t like this word because I never get to use it. I am the one who get his ass handed to him in games and arguments. I suck.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for this one. For years, I thought that “a couple” could mean two or three or four. The dictionary might say that the informal definition is “a few; several: a couple of days,” but 98% of the world has corrected me. One co-worker solidified her stance with the well known Ohio phrase “a couple three” which when uttered can be used to describe how much beer to pick up. “Since Tommy’s bringing his kids, you might ‘unt to pick up a couple three cases of Pabst.”

Unless it’s said by a stoner guy, awesome grates on my nerves. NASA seems to over use it to describe stuff in space. If it’s a stone guy describing stuff in space, I’m 50/50.

Top Ten
I dislike top ten, mainly because you can guarantee that the list is faulty or open to debate. The only Top Ten list I ever saw that was even close to being dead on was Yang Sma's Top Ten List of molds, spores and fungi. He pretty much nailed that one.

Christ. Blog is such an overly fanciful word. Only because it describes what I am doing now. And what the annoying stay at home mom across the street is doing. And most twelve year olds. I hate that the outlet for my brilliance is described in the same way as the writings of Lisa’s two cats or Bob’s internal struggle with coming out of the closet. Someone needs to come up with a new word so that I can move on.

Git r done
Without question, the worst phrase ever uttered, right after “The stripper you knocked up is talking to your wife about the venereal disease she gave you.”

Napkin Bet

napkin bet, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Conny was in town for a few days and we had a few drinks at Byrne's Pub.

During our conversation, he suggested that Ohio State was going to get beat by 14 points in the Championship Game.

So we each bet. Ten bucks if each person's team wins outright. Twenty if the team wins by 14 points.

We drew it up on a napkin. Looks like a logic problem. I like our signatures though.



I just realized that I can post videos to my site.

Do you have a video you want posted? Do you have a video that someone else does not want posted? Lemmie know!

I have an audience to maintain so keep it somewhere between PG13 and Patton Oswald.

Chinese Job Fair

Chinese Job Fair, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Here is a shot from a Chinese job fair from a few days ago.

Two of Every Kind


Once again, Greg came up with a great, off-season idea yesterday. He wanted to make lemonade. He seemed excited about the prospect so I told him that I would buy lemons at the store next time I was there.

I lied. I bought limes instead.

Erik and Becky came over last night with their kids and I had bought Corona. The store did not have individual limes, so I bought a whole bag because limeade is lemonade, but green.

Tonight, we cut two limes into quarters and squeezed them into a bowl. I added a teaspoon of Splenda, a few ounces of water and dumped the whole lot into a shaker filled with ice (great Christmas gift.)

Here is Greg's reaction:

Here is mine:

We added two more teaspoons of Splenda and re-mixed. It was delicious.

I own my ex-employer’s domain name. What should I do with it? (updated)

I got laid off a few weeks ago. Work was slow. The company has been going through some tough times. I was actually happy to leave.

A year or so ago, when I still had a job, I mentioned to my boss that our company should buy its “actual” domain name. The company is Allstate Installations, but their web site domain name is I suggested they buy because that is what anyone in their right mind would search for / type in the address bar when looking for our company. He thought that was a great idea and would think about it. I sent him reminder e-mails. I talked to him again in person. Nothing came of it.

So I bought it myself and politely forwarded the traffic to the company’s webpage.

Now they have laid me off and I’m wondering what I should do with the domain. Here are a few ideas with their associated scores. Please let me know if you have any better ideas.

Hand the domain over to my company
This is the right thing to do. It’s also the most boring.
Score: D

Forward to Goat/
Too easy. Too predictable. But disgustingly funny.
Score: C

Forward to a competitor's website
Allstate Installations has several competitors. This would be a real F-U to the old boss.
Score: B-

Forward to porn

Another obvious idea, but the real detail is in what porn site you choose.
Score: (site / score)
playboy(dot)com / D+
beastality(dot)com / A
hugeblackcocks(dot)com / B+
fistinglessons(dot)net / B
clownporn(dot)net/ A++

Forward to a photo site with photoshopped pictures of boss in compromising positions
This is a great idea, but the only photos I have of him are of him in compromising positions and most of those photos are copyrighted.
Score: C

Let the domain to expire and allow anyone reading this to buy it and do what they please
This is the only real democratic option.
Score: A

{Author's note: One I did not think of was "Sell it to anyone that will buy it." I have received a few bids. All for way more than the site is worth. Right now the bidding is at $950. Step right up!! Let's see what my soul is worth.
Score: $$}

{Author's note 2: As many of you have suggested, I am a douche. But not that kind of douche. I am in the process of transferring the domain over, free of charge. My old boss and co-workers received several e-mails from strangers warning of this post and my possible doucheness. I think that is pretty cool of them. I would hope someone would do the same for me.}

(Author's note 3: I attempted to transfer the website to my company. They wanted me to track down all the information and call their provider to set it up. I said I didn't have the time and to e-mail me when they had it figured out. They did not and I let the domain expire. Per their old website you can see that things did not end well. The partners split and not they run separate, competing companies.)

Jesus at the Chinese Buffet

Wu-Tang Clan Venn Diagram

Thanks Carpanza!


John picked me up last night to get a drink. Most the bars in Columbus would be closed for Thanksgiving, but Byrnes would not. It tends to draw in a crowd that are back from family and want a drink or those without family and need a drink. It was 9:00pm.

We pulled out of my allotment and turned to hit the main road. I called Josh to see if he wanted to join us. He didn’t answer so I began to leave him a message.

There are two gas stations on the corner of the main road and a woman was standing on the corner to our right. She was pretty and nicely dressed. The light was red so we got to watch what happened next.

I immediately thought the woman was out begging for money. I’d seen this tactic before, even from well dressed people that don’t fit the off ramp beggar stereotype. I mentioned this on my message to Josh in a kind of play by play. She walked back to a van that pulled up just behind in the lane next to us. It was the white, industrial van with lettering on the door advertising a fix-it business. The driver was on his cell phone. I thought she was going to knock on the window, but instead she opened the door of the van and hopped in. She must have been waiting for a ride.

The driver leaned over and punched her.

Or at least he tried. It was hard for him to lean all the way over and get a good blow in. She spun with her back to the door and blocked the second punch with her legs. She started to kick back. The driver now was blocking her kicks with both hands and trying to hit her back. He never dropped the cell phone. As all this escalated, I continued to describe it in the message. Even the name of the company and the phone number on the side of the van.

The light switched to green and we turned left. I could see the van rocking back and forth as it got smaller and smaller in the distance. I hung up the phone.

Josh called me back a few minutes later and said, “What the fuck was up with that message?” I said it was what it was… a play by play of a fight at a stop light. He said I sounded like the reporter at the Hindenburg catastrophe. I thought I had my shit together better than that.

We sat at the bar and drank pints of beer. We laughed and told stories and talked about a zombie movie script.

Later, John drove me home. We passed the corner where the woman had been waiting for her ride. There was nothing there to prove what we saw had ever happened.

PETA Plans for Protest of Python

I couldn’t believe it when I read this. Take a look at this news release from PETA -
Basically, here are the good parts:

Columbus, OH- In recognition of World Week for Feathered Friends, PETA members, joined by replica parrot hand puppets and waving signs that say, “Python: Stop Killing Parrots!” will protest the showing of Monty Python’s SPAMALOT at the Ohio Theatre in an effort to persuade people to cease laughing at Monty Python videos, movies and live theatre acts until the company stops abusing the likenesses of animals. This protest is part of PETA’s international campaign against the England-based comedy troupe and their continued use of parrots, cows and cats in their sketch comedy.

Date: Friday, November 23, 2007
Time: 7:30pm
Place: Ohio Theatre, 39 E. State St. Columbus, OH 43215

Alice Stales with the Columbus branch of PETA said, “By using Python in their name, we knew it was a tip off that this group would abuse animals.” She added, “When I saw that cow go flying over the castle wall, I just cried.”

Several PETA members are taking time off from their Black Thursday or “Thanksgiving” demonstrations to prepare for the protest. Mark Jakes of Nelsonville admitted to being a Monty Python fan for years until his girlfriend got him involved with PETA, “There was that one skit where they sell raw, dead albatross. It’s not that funny if you were the albatross or albatross flavored. The crunchy frog skit was funny but not when I found out why they were crunchy.”

Alice Stales also admitted to harboring ambivalent feelings towards pythons in general, being that they're animals, but ones who kill and eat other, cuter, animals. “We’re teaching snakes to eat soy shaped rabbits.”

Overcome by Emotion

Erik and Dave could not help themselves yesterday during the Ohio State win over Michigan. When the game was in the bag, they took the opportunity to let their overflow of emotions come to the surface in a physical show of their mutual love of football and each other.

Fix your virginity

If you lose your virginity and want to get it fixed, would you go to a cherry cobbler?

One Button Elevator?

Here is my doctor’s office elevator panel inside the elevator.

And here is my question: why should a building with only two floors have an elevator with two buttons? All you would need is one button that says, “Other Floor.”

I think I know why, but I’ll let you guess first.

What happens after you eat a whole box of Boo Berry?

The kid flew around the house for about twenty minutes. The wife said his arms would give out, but they never did. We finally got a broom and trapped him in a corner. He pooped blue for three days.

Spot the Difference - Pirates

Can you see the three differences between the two photos?

1. sword missing
2. bead not dangling in face
3. hair out of place

Angry Sheep

This sheep scares me. He lives at the Columbus Zoo and when we visit, I always take his photo so that I can show other people why he scares me. I'm not sure if his teeth are sticking out or if he's just got an evil grin. He's definitely pissed at something and I think it's me.

Fox News Suffers Due to Writers Strike

The writers’ strike in Hollywood has programs like “The Tonight Show” and “The Office” stuck in rerun limbo. The strike has also affected Fox News’ ability to get their word out. David Jeffers, Fox News Producer lamented, “Without the writers, it’s pretty hard to create a day to day, positive spin on the war and Bush administration. We hate the striking bastards, but we need their creative flair.”

The writers’ strike, now well in to its first week, has caused Fox to re-run old news and focus on the weather. “We could really use a hurricane about now.” After a moment he changed his mind, “Well, actually it took about forty-two writers to get us though the last hurricane debacle… how about an earthquake?”

A Production Assistant, who chose to remain nameless, claimed that he had to write a recent story about the surge progress. “I kinda just used some action words and dropped in a few ‘terrorisms’… it actually wasn’t that tough.” The Production Assistant is credited for the claim that Al Qaeda was completely out of Baghdad. “Yeah, I made that up, too. But it seems to have stuck.”

Fox seems to have struck gold with OJ Simpson back in court. Their twelve hours of coverage actually doubled the amount of time OJ was actually in court. Jeffers added, “We are working on a brief to have the case moved to Reno so that we can stretch out the proceedings.”

“The hardest part of the week was not being able to make the overturning of Bush’s veto into a liberal slam fest. I’m sure those clever asshole writers would have thought of something.”

When asked about Bush’s trip to see the wounded veterans, Jeffers sighed and admitted, “We paid Limbaugh for some of his writers’ material. Most of his stuff comes in from Canada and Puerto Rico.”

Jeffers had one positive note. “Luckily we’ve got Hillary and Ron Paul campaigning out there. Some of the stuff they say… you just can't make that shit up.”

The Official List of Nudie Bar Rules


2. All stripper perfume is allowed to initially smell like cotton candy or vanilla, but within five minutes of leaving the establishment, must transform to smell like church incense or library books.

3. Every private dance song will either be Alice’s Restaurant or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

4. Any garment that is not see through must be removed before the second song.

5. No dancing into the second trimester.

6. All stripper names must be named after cars. This will enable men to speak freely about their experiences and not get a beat down from the women folk.

7. No lactating. I mean it.

8. Before you leave the nudie bar, attendants will change back your ones for larger bills that are crisp with no folds or creases.

9. The following types of tattoos must be covered in lap dance proof makeup:
-other guys’ names
-Simpsons characters
-kids’ names
-any reference to Daddy
-“exit only”

10. No cesarean section scars over two feet long.

11. No piercings with sharp edges.

12. No biting. I know you might think that we think it is hot (it is), but it requires us have our buddies create larger, cover-up bruises and then excuses for the bruises.

13. All nipples should face forward between 15 degrees up and 35 degrees down. Any nipples facing more than 35 degrees down will be immediately fined $10 for every degree.

14. Any dance garment that is wider than 3” is completely illegal.

Can you believe this product?

Miss Shelly saw this in a magazine, thought of me and cut it out. Thanks…

A drop of this miracle liquid in the toilet bowl is reported supposed to cover up 98% of bathroom stank.

First off, I have never tried the product and won’t, so I cannot give you an honest opinion (the shit might just work.) If you want a review, Chris Rockwell over at did an in depth study of the product. He has a theory about floating poop.

Second, how do you come up with a percentage of bathroom stink and then rate it on a scale? Here’s what I think… what they did was load up the fattest guy in the manufacturing plant with cabbage and white castles, had him drink draught beer for a day, killed him in the bathroom, let him sit for a week and then let his bowels loose with a whaling harpoon. Three independent judges in the bathroom would consider that smell 100% stink and judged other stanks based on the memory of that smell.

Third, even though it comes with a concealing carrying case, if you got caught with this product, it would be 1000x worse than having people call you out on your stinky poop. It’s like getting caught with Masturbation Wipes.

A few years ago, we had some clients in from California for a meeting in our one bathroomed, studio. One of the guys was not doing so well and hot sweat poured off his brow as his guts gurgled and churned. He called for a break and staggered off to the bathroom. The bathroom door only acted as an amplifier and the studio shook and reverberated as his bowels unclenched. The reek was horrific and every non-essential team member left for lunch at 10:00am. Holly did her best to cover the smell by lighting a coffee scented candle that had sat on her desk for the past two years. It had a layer of dust on it three inches deep that was stuffed in the protective plastic coating. She lit it anyways. The perfect storm of shit smell, burning dust, melting plastic and fake coffee came together and drifted up to the front of the office. Somehow the mingled, gas chamber combination made it to the meeting room and it smelled like burning wood. Actually, a pleasant smell. In some circles, it is still considered a miracle.

So unless this product can combine the essence of dust carbon, melting plastic and faux coffee… I ain’t buying it.

Goodnight Nobody…… I hope

I am in round two of reading books like “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd to my second kid. Way back in round one, I mentioned how a painting in “Goodnight Moon” that showed one rabbit fishing for another rabbit creeped me out.

Later I found out that painting is from another book by Brown/Hurd. Creepy, yes, but I get it now.

I was fine until recently when I came to this page:

It is exactly what you see. A blank page with “Goodnight nobody” at the bottom. On the next page he says “Goodnight mush” and they show a picture of mush in a bowl. I never thought anything about it until I really started to look at the page for anything. A dot or a shadow or a hint of a wall. There’s NOBODY there. And that is really starting to freak me out because he doesn’t say “Goodnight nothing,” he says “nobody” which means no person. Which means that he might have thought someone was there or there was someone there a minute ago and now they are gone. Who were they? Is the old woman whispering hush killed by “nobody” three pages later?

I could tear out that page, but it would really mess up the meter. I think the answer is for me to photoshop the earlier mentioned painting onto that page so that I can kill two birds with one stone: get rid of “nobody” and explain what that photo means.


Cancer Awareness Idiot

I saw this woman throw her cigarette out her window and then noticed her personalized Breast Cancer Awareness license plate.


Perhaps I am just an asshole, but it seems as if you support such a cause, you wouldn't engage in similar ,and very obvious, self-destructive activities.

And quit littering. I sometimes wonder if it is illegal to give someone back their cigarette butt by throwing it back in their car.

The Display of Chokables

This is one of eight or nine "high-up" places in the house where we put the small items that Ann might choke on. 99% of these items are off of Greg's toys. In about two or three days we'll either re-attach or trash. Re-attach is code for looking at an item for a few seconds and then putting it in the trash.

Though that Star Wars blaster might make the cut. That missile too. I always hated when those came up missing.

Fundamentalist Swimwear

Stephanie sent me an e-mail with a link to What a treat! Who knew that there was such a resource for my Fundamentalist swim needs!

Culotte Swimmer

Here’s the Culotte Swimmer on what looks to be that girl from “Full House.” It’s for the more active swimmer. Culotte roughly translates to "virgin until thirty-five."

Skirted Swimmer

The Skirted Swimmer looks to be a bit racier. Probably for the Louisiana Fundamentalists. You can make your own "Blossom" comments on this one. (I also like the girl running the dynamite wire from the abortion clinic on the WWJD pink spool.)

Extended Slimming Swimmer

Finally, the Extended Slimming Swimmer for hiding those naughty, naughty calves. Or for covering up the “dinner was late” bruises.

And we laugh at the Burka…

Which reminds me of… the Burkini!