Creepy Hannibal Lecter Thumb Sucking Device

Scan from Parenting Magazine

I think it's really the look on the kid's face that creeps me out. He seems half sad and half kill-you-while-you-sleep-for-taking-away-the-only-joy-I-had-in-life.

Who is Miss Sally?

Miss Sally is my wife. But you already knew that. What many of you have asked me is why I call Miss Sally, "Miss Sally." To make this easier, I’ll call Miss Sally, Sally.

Years and years ago, Sally and I lived together in Columbus. I was working for a local shipyard as a merchant marine and Sally was working at a pre-school as a teacher. Sally was the lead teacher in a room full of four year olds. At the pre-school, all the children called their teachers by their first name, but with a Miss in front of it. Miss Carrie. Miss Vickie. Miss Sally. But that wasn’t enough for me to start calling her that name. I never got to hear her called Miss Sally, so I really didn’t even know about it.

One day, Sally came home with a funny story about how a little boy came up to her in the middle of the day and blurted out, “Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!” The way she said it was hilarious. I immediately repeated it back to her and we laughed and laughed.

This story would be very boring if you could not hear the inflection of the words. Luckily, we have the internet and youtube so that you can hear how I heard it and how I repeated it back to her:

We spent the evening yelling back and forth from different rooms of the apartment, something like this:

Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally – “Yes?”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”

The next day we were doing laundry and we said:

Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally- “Yes?”
Me- “Is this dry clean only?”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”

This continued on ad nauseam in several various and sundry iterations. The only thing that remained constant was that I would call Sally, “Miss Sally.”

At some point, it stuck. I can’t put my finger on the time or date, but I remember Loy making fun of me for it one day and then referring to her as Miss Sally the next without missing a beat. Friends and family sometimes slip and say "Miss Sally" and don’t bat an eye.

I hope that helps with all your questions.

“Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!”

That never gets old. But the boy did. He would be about seventeen years old now and will never know that he lives in infamy.

Telephone Poll Trickery

I tend to be a phone prick. The sales people on the other end sense this and usually hang up before I say anything wiseass-ish. We’re on the Do Not Call list and anyone that does drop us a line is in for a treat as I might be deaf or maybe Pakistani depending on my mood. Someday I’ll work my way up to deaf Pakistani.

I prepared for the worst on Sunday when I saw a call from 919-375-1252. When I picked up and said hello, an automated message started up and explained that they ("they" was left undefined though the robot sounded pretty white) were doing a survey and that they’d only need three minutes of my time. I had three minutes and listened in.

At the first mention of Newt Gingrich I had to smile. Conserative politics! This was going to be fun. I was asked about my favorable/unfavorable opinion of him and to press 1 or 2 depending on my opinion. The list continued with Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin.

The questions then went to Obama and how he was doing in office. Then stimulus questions. So far I was scoring 100% as my opinion is always right.

Next was a series of “who would you vote for” questions: “Who would you vote for between Newt Gingrich and Obama?” Press 1 for Newt Gingrich and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Mitt Romney and Obama? Press 1 for Mitt Romney and 2 for Obama” (I’m writing this out for a reason… keep reading.) “Who would you vote for between Mike Huckabee and Obama? Press 1 for Mike Huckabee and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Sarah Palin and Obama? Press 1 for Obama and 2 for Sarah Palin.”

What? I mentally replayed what I just heard and I heard it right… they flip flopped the numbers. Trickery! I don’t get why they would do this because they almost fooled me and I’m smart. I assume Sarah Palin supporters would immediately press 1. But then I realized that Obama supporters would more than likely just hit 2. I’m not sure what results they were fishing for, but no matter what, I’d think that 50% of the people (no matter what affiliation) would answer the opposite way if they weren’t listening which would give them the exact same results.

The next series of questions asked about my job and how satisfied I was.
The white robot thanked me and we parted ways.

I went and looked up the phone number online and only found a website for people complaining about being on the Do Not Call list and still getting these unwanted polling calls. Here’s what the Pew people have to say about that:

Legitimate survey research is exempt from the Telemarketing Sales Rule, which was adopted by the Federal Trade Commission to fight fraud and protect consumers from harassment. The rule covers marketing but not opinion polling or market research that does not involve an effort to sell you something. Nonetheless, our telephone survey interviewing centers will honor any request not to be called.

The way the questions were worded made me think this poll was not exactly “Legitimate survey research”

One of the best complaints on the was of what I would categorize as phone rape:
Caller Type: Political Call
Phone Number Report: Without realizing that I didn't know who was calling, I gave answers to a political survey from this number. I believe it is unethical not to identify the organization that is sponsoring the call. When I tried to call back, of course the answer was "We're sorry, your call did not go through." That's when I did the web search to see if anyone else had had problems with this phone number. This is a complaint! With my phone system I can block future calls, but I feel I've been exploited and that my privacy has been invaded.

That complaint made my three wasted minutes completely worthwhile.

President Ford's Artificial Leg Sold at Auction

New York (HJ) – In front of a busy Sunday saleroom and crowded telephone bank at Sotheby’s New York today, against a pre-sale estimate of US$300,000 - $450,000*, President Gerald Ford’s artificial leg was the subject of intense bidding between several American collectors and Scandinavian Royalty.

President Ford lost his leg in a boating accident in 1946. The loss of the limb was kept secret from the public, especially during his political career. Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and Museum historian Mary Hasston was at the auction and gave some insight into the history of the limb, “Many thought President Ford to be a clumsy person and those people might feel a bit silly knowing that the President wore an artificial leg. Mrs. Ford and I were the only people outside of the White House that knew of the limb.” She recalled, “He kept a bottle of Dewar's White Label Scotch Whiskey in a secret compartment of the leg. The half empty bottle was removed prior to the auction.”

Talking about the prices achieved today, Rufus Kessler, Sotheby’s International Head of Artificial Limbs, Eyes and Hair commented: “We’re greatly honored to have been given the opportunity to provide this rare item to our members. Hopefully someone will put it to good use.”

After an intense bidding battle between at least three bidders; it was eventually sold to an antiquities dealer from Pittsburgh, PA who asked to remain anonymous. Mr. Kyle Deeds did state for the record that he was going to turn the leg, “…into a lamp or a hat stand. I hated President Ford.” The final bid for the artificial leg was $1.3 million.

The price represents a new auction record for a Presidential artificial limb. Only one other Presidential Artificial Limb exists and that one is buried with President Gerald Ford.

* Pre-sale estimates do not include buyer’s premium or any disinfecting of the item

Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?

Dear HolyJuan,

My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.

My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.

Senior Blanco

Dear Sr. Blanco,

Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.

I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.

What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.

This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.



PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)

Do you think he knows that she's fake?

I am a thief

A few months ago, I had a great, original idea for a t-shirt. I spent about three minutes on the photoshop and then zipped on over to where I promptly added my “Milk, Milk, Lemonade” design to a t-shirt and waited for the money to roll in.

About three days later, a reader e-mailed me to say that someone had stolen my shirt idea and created a similar t-shirt. They mentioned that this somehow happened about two years before I designed my “original” shirt. I immediately started to track down this thief and their time machine.

When I looked up “milk, milk lemonade t-shirt” on Google, I was amazed. There are at least 20 varieties of the same design.

This design (clicky) is exactly like mine, right down to the curly arrow pointing ‘round the corner. Sure there are slight differences, but basically I am a plagiarizer.

I am a thief. I suck.

My Nicknames

My nicknames in alphabetical order:

Doug E Fresh
Doug Funny
Dougie Big Nuts
Drain Bamage
Mr. Doug
Mr. P
Paul Hida
Rat Boy
Rat Man
Uncle Doug
(From the comments and additional names I remembered afterwards)
Grandes Boules
Doug Doggie Dougg
Egotistical Bastard
Radio Boy

If you can think of any others, please let me know.

Cheese Plate's

I spent too much time trying to decide if the first one was grammatically correct before I noticed the second one.

Zombie. Not Zombie

There is a "beauty doctor" in Westerville, OH that advertises in the free local rag. I enjoy her pencil sketches of what miracles she can perform. This week's ad needed a little bit of help:



Some other of her ads HERE.

Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe

ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.

Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”

The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.

Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”

Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”

American Girl Relieved That She Doesn’t Have The Force

HOLLAND OH (HJ) - High school senior Cheryl Heft of Toledo, Ohio was saddened, but relieved to find out that she did not have the mystical power of “The Force” while touring in Italy.

Cheryl spoke to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground.

“At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”

Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”

HolyJuan: Award Winner

A little bit ago (seven months), I won an award for an article I wrote about Hollywood running out of 555 numbers. The award is Pageant of the Transmundane and I won for week 19 of last year. Here is my badge of awardedness:

I rejected the cash award that was not offered, so we both fared well on that front.

Invisible Sandwich Tastes Bad

We caught this guy in mid-bite of his invisible sandwich. Maybe the mayo was bad?

Former President Bush Pretty Much Doing What He Was a Year Ago

CRAWFORD, TX (HJ) – The first three months out of office are being called a success by former President George W. Bush. “I’d pretty much call my retirement a slam dunk so far,” remarked the former President from Crawford, Texas. Former President Bush allowed us to sit with him for a moment while he whittled on the front porch of his ranch. “I’m thinking that my approval rating has gone up at least.”

Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”

Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”

The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”

When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”

Man beat with hammer after playing video game

By Donna Willis
Web Content Coordinator

COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.

NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.

CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.

Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.

Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.

When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.

Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.

CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below: