Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts

Sarah Palin Begins to Interview Potential Presidential Candidates to Run with in 2012

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Many guessed that Ex-Governor Sarah Palin would run in 2012, but all that was speculation until today. Sarah Palin announced this morning that she will begin her Vice Presidential run for the White House in 2012 by interviewing prospective Presidential running mates. Mrs. Palin stated in her press conference, “The American voting heroes are demanding new change and I plan to bring that new change as a person running for the position of Vice President. I am interviewing some of the best and brightest people that proud flag hanging over this great land of ours for the President job.”

In this daring move, Sarah Palin plans on running as Vice President and she wishes to do so with the best potential Presidential candidate possible. “Freedom loving Americans want freedom to love in America and I plan on being the vice candidate that stands next to the candidate that can do that thing.” She will personally interview and question each potential Presidential candidate.

While the list of potential running mates is a secret, we were given a peek at the interview questions when we dug through the trash dumpster of the hotel where the press conference took place. On the crumpled pages, some of the more serious questions included: “What is your foreign policy?” and “What role do you think you will have in my administration?” Other questions towards the bottom of the list were, “What newspapers do you read?” and “Who is your favorite G.I. Joe character? (If they say Destro they are pre-fired.”)

This is the first time in American history where a person has decided to run for Vice President and not first seek the office of the President. We attempted to ask Sarah Palin about this strategic move, but we had not sent this question 48 hours in advance to her Strategic Media Force, so we were unable to get an answer.

A Page from Sarah Palin's Rider

Sarah Palin's top secret rider was recently found in a trash can outside of California State University Stanislaus. A rider is part of a contract that specifies all the demands of a client. Here is a page from that rider:


Palin Plans Pregnancy for 2012 Presidential Run

ANCHORAGE, AK (HJ) - Sources say that Sarah Palin has a major trick up her sleeve for her 2012 Presidential run, though the sleeve isn’t exactly where this trick is up. Insiders close to Palin say that not only is she going to run in the 2012 race for President, but that she will also plan a pregnancy to coincide with the race and to have pregnancy milestones occur during key points in the process.

Our sources have confirmed that the Palin 2012 team has come up with the following “no way can we lose this one” schedule:
Conception: December 31, 2011 (some kind of tax dodge)

Announcement of Pregnancy: January 15th, 2012 (right before the first Republican primary)

First Ultrasound (BONUS: revealing of “Jesus Face Shadow” in the image): February 6th (the day before Super Tuesday)

Revelation That Doctors Say She Should Abort for Health Reasons and She Says NO!: March 15th (The middle of the Primaries)

Sex of the Child Revealed… Surprise! It’s Twins: May 8th (the last of the Republican debates and final votes needed for Primary win)

Names of the Children Released: September 11th (Naming the boy Freedom Chief and the girl Tower1 Tower2)

Blurry Photo of Palin’s Distended Belly Released: September 24th (Day before 1st Presidential Debate- debate is called off because of media hype)

Birth of the Twins: October 14th (The day of the scheduled 2nd debate – debate is called off)

Three Weeks of Seclusion: October 15th though November 4th (During this time, Palin only responds to Twitter and FOX News interviews.)

First Appearance with Children in Public: November 5th (The day before the election. She announces that one child has a Brain Cloud and the other is African American.)

When we questioned how the Palin's Election Team would hit all these milestone on the date specified, the source only offered up that many of these would be planned in advance and that the necessary arrangements would be made to induce the results needed. When asked about the rigors of pregnancy and the campaign trail, the source laughed and explained that Palin would not actually be pregnant, but rather she would have a surrogate carry the children and she would wear the appropriate costume to fake pregnancy. We questioned if Palin could actually pull off faking a pregnancy and the source smiled and said, “Yeah, she’s pretty good at it.”

Try using the "whole" quote

Sarah Palin sent out a Tweet yesterday asking her followers to remember Martin Luther King Jr. I can see how Palin, who has been under a lifetime of racial scrutiny for her accent, could believe in the hope behind MLK Jr.'s message.

Also in her Tweet, she (kind of) quotes MLK Jr. (see the fixed Tweet at

Palin says, " "Faith is taking 1st step even when u don't see the staircase"-MLKjr"

Now, beyond the crappy Tweeting, there is something very wrong with this quote. The real quote is, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." (My emphasis on whole.)

Without "whole" the two quotes are completely different. King is suggesting that you understand your path, but not exactly where it might lead and that you must trust in others or a higher power after those first few steps.
Palin is suggesting blind faith. It's the difference between walking down a dark set of stairs with a lantern and only being able to see as far as the circle of light glows *OR* running through a dark house with a blindfold on, hoping that everything will work out because of God's will.

I do not think Palin understands the difference, otherwise she would remember the whole quote and write it as such. To Palin, it doesn't matter. Faith is faith, blind or not.

Here are some other quotes that I assume Sarah Palin could Tweet and fuck up:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear, it's elf."

"4 score and 7 years ago, my four dads brought 4th, upon these awesome United States of America, with Liberty and JUSTICE 4 all."

"Mr. Gorbycough, all in all it's just another brick in the tear down this wall!"

"Dec. 7, 1941—a day which will live in for me"

"Jesus swept."

During this time of tragedy, Sarah Palin wants you to donate... to her PAC

Sarah Palin made a plea to all her Twitter followers to donate by going to her Facebook page and clicking on some links:

But when you go to her Facebook page:

There are only two areas where DONATE can be seen:

I have to assume that Sarah wants you to donate to some relief effort and that she would never send her followers to her page to donate to her PAC (Political Action Committee.) But, I would assume that any semi-intelligent individual would post the links FIRST and then advertise on Twitter that people go and click on them.


I like FixingPalin's translation better:

(UPDATE) Two hours after her original Twitter post, Sarah Palin posted a message on Facebook saying, "To assist those in need, consider sending a $10 donation to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999." That's a bit under the 140 character limit of Twitter and she could have just said that in the first place.

Fixing Palin

Did you know that Sarah Palin has a Twitter account? You should check it out because it is quite hilarious. She types with the ferocity of a fourth grade, dyslexic H4X0R.

What's silly is that it doesn't have to be that hard. You don't have to be illegible when condensing down your insanity to fit within the confines of Twitter. The word for doesn't always have to be Tweeted as "4".

I've started used to stay current on a Twitter account called Fixing_Palin where I retype what she Tweets (sometimes pausing to throw up as I do so), fixing her text and making it all fit in 140 characters.

For instance:


I assume that I will keep this up until she fixes her shit or I get bored.

Sarah Palin will be remembered for ions to come

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next President of the United States on Twitter:

Scientific advice from someone who doesn't know ions from eons.

Palin Waves Off Presidential Bid in 2012, Instead Aims at Running for Vice President

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Sarah Palin announced today from her book signing tour that she will not be seeking the Presidential bid in 2012. “Instead I will be refocused on the path that Americans if they will allow me to run for the office of the Vice President.” Upon hearing the statement, the wall to wall Columbus, Ohio crowd erupted, chanting, “Veep! Veep! Veep! Veep!”

Palin’s logic was very interesting, “I plan on hitting all those Primaries states, but in the opposite order of the Presidential Primaries so as not to be in the Primaries with the others who are in the Primaries for the occupation that is the Presidential Primary.” When asked about a preference as to which possible President she would like to serve under, she laughed, “We all know that doesn’t matter as long as I can accomplish that of which the American people hire me for; to get the job done!”

When it was mentioned that the President and Vice-President are elected together and not separately, Palin gave us a smile and said, “You know, those career politicians in Washington DC might want to trick the American people into voting how they want them to vote. That sounds a lot like Hitler’s Germany to me.”

Palin’s supporters rallied behind her decision. Don Beardee of Columbus was pleased, “I know Sarah will make a great American Vice-President no matter what President she serves under. What she lacks in debating, she make up for in character.” We played along and asked Sarah about the possibility of Obama getting re-elected in 2012 and Palin getting elected as Vice-President and having to serve under him. She smiled and said, “That possibility is a possibility and I have to take it under consideration as to my words with him and actions when international laws are broken and my feelings about dithering in Afghanistan and our brave soldiers needing patriotic support with the gotcha media and policy of really wanting to get those jobs so it is a possible possibility as I mentioned before. GO AMERICA!”

Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe

ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.

Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”

The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.

Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”

Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”

Palin Preparing to Run for President in 2009

PROLIFIA, ALASKA- On an unusually warm day in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin announced that she will be running for the office of the President of the United States. In 2009. Governor Palin thanked the crowd of over 350 and also thanked God for the pleasant weather, “It’s good to see the Lord is with us today. I’m not sure where He was last Tuesday, but who am I to question His ways?”

Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”

Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”

The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased $15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.”

When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”

Sarah Palin chooses “Joe the Plumber” as her Vice Vice President

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (HJN) – In an unprecedented turn of events, Governor Sarah Palin has announced that “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher will be running as her Vice Vice President in the 2008 Election. The announcement came shortly after her three hour deposition to the state Personnel Board, which is looking into whether she unfairly fired Alaska's public safety director this summer.

Surrounded by her family and the Wurzelbacher family, Governor Palin made the announcement at a planned, impromptu press conference, “I think that any true American would be just as proud as all get out to have “Joe the Plumber” as their Vice Vice President."

When questioned about the role of the Vice Vice President, Governor Palin was keen to reply, “Cleaning up Washington is gonna take a lot of work and elbow grease. While John is off killing the terrorists and while I am running the Senate and the House, and my VVP “Joe the Plumber” will be in DC, unclogging the pipes of democracy.”

A press release later announced in detail some more of his official roles:
Captain of the Post Office
Leader of Highway Making
National Park Lumberjack Boss
Coast Guard Person Man
Todd Palin #1 Drinking Buddy East of the Mississippi

“Joe The Plumber” was a bit taken back by all the attention, “It all happened kind of fast. I was working on my 03’ taxes when a bunch of really nice guys in suits came in and asked me sports trivia questions for about an hour. Sarah said it sounded rough and that her vetting only lasted half as long.”

Directly after the press conference, Governor Palin was overheard discussing the Vice Vice President position with a reporter who was questioning the validity of a Vice President creating the role of Vice Vice President. She happily replied, “Listen silly goose, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past eight years, it’s that the Vice President can pretty much do what ever they want.”

Greg and Dad - The Debate

(I have to assume that McCain is the one with four light sabers (a la General Grievous.)

Republican National Committee Preempts God and Puts Palin at Top of Ticket

WASHINGTON DC – In another unpredictable and bold move, the Republican National Comittee has decided to shift Sarah Palin up as the nominee for President and move John McCain down into the Vice President slot. RNC representative Chris Sarver was gleeful about the change, “Sarah Palin has fully demonstrated that she can take on the role of President. Her numbers are way up so we decided to do what is in the best interest for the country.”

“John McCain is in pretty good shape for a 72 year old man, but when you stick Palin and McCain on the stage together, he starts to look feeble and sickly. Not even the weekly embryonic stem cells injections are helping.” When asked about McCain’s health, Sarver claimed, “The shock of actually winning this election will probably kill McCain. We never thought we would actually win, but now that we have a strong chance, we are taking preemptive action. Basically, we are cutting out the middle man.”

When questioned about the legality of the move, party officials stated that, “The RNC’s Executive Committee can determine if a nominee is fit to take on a Presidential or Vice Presidential Role. It is in our Party’s best interest to win this election and we think that Palin can do it! And on top of that she has assured us this is God's will."

On a final note, Mr. Sarver added, "Did I mention she’s so goddamn charismatic?”

We sent an e-mail to John McCain for comment, but he was unable to answer.