Father's Day Gift Tips

What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector

What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet

Top Ten Worst Diets Ever

They say dieting is good, but not if you are on one of the following diets. I'm no doctor, but I can tell you that this list is most definitely the top ten worst diets ever.

The Cardboard and Butter Diet

This is an extremely high fiber, high saturated fat diet. The butter helps the cardboard to go down. Helpful hint: buy an extra plunger.

Tapeworm Diet
With this diet, you ingest one pill which contains a tapeworm. Over time, you lose weight. And energy. When you are at the desired weight, take a second pill which, hopefully, kills the tapeworm.

Deserted Island Diet
With this diet, you only eat foods you would find on a deserted diet: sand, shell fish, seaweed and driftwood. It works for the people on Survivor... why not you?

Salt Diet
Eat anything and everything you want, as long as it is salt. Try Salt Pancakes or Salt Soup or Crunchy Sea Salt Nuggets with Salt Sauce. In a few days, if you can still see the scale, you'll notice significant weight loss.

U-Z Diet
In this diet, you only eat foods that begin with the letters U and Z. Watch the weight disappear after eating Ziti glazed with Ugli Fruit and unleavened bread with sliced zucchini every day for a week.

Sprinting Diet
With this diet, you can only eat while doing wind sprints. As soon as you stop running, you must stop eating. NOTE: Thanksgiving stinks on this diet and gravy can cause 2nd degree burns.

Boxing Glove Diet

This diet is easy: you can eat anything you want as long as you are wearing boxing gloves. Just try and open the fridge or drive to the fast food restaurant. Corn on the cob is really tough. Pudding is not so bad if you have a big vat of it.

Burnt Diet
This is another of the "eat anything you want" diets. All you have to do is burn the food item until it is charred black, though and through. I do this already with most my cooking.

Backyard Diet
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they also make for a great diet. Eat only what you find in your yard. Gardens do not count, but weeds do. If you live in an apartment, go out to eat at the park. No digging through the trash cans.

Overeat Diet
This diet is akin to catching your child smoking a cigar and locking them in a closet until they smoke a whole box. With the Overeat Diet, you attempt to stuff yourself with fatty and high calorie foods to make yourself sick of eating. Do this for eight or nine weeks straight and weight loss will be inevitable when you can't move to feed yourself.

Top 10 Jobs for 2009

Obama Shrine Fabricator

Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be

Forecloser

“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter

Coldplay Lawyer

Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive

Stocks into Origami Artist

Palin for Prez 2010 2012 T-shirt Maker

Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor

SNL Critic

HolyJuan at Skreened.com

I know that 50% of my fans (one of you) have been asking me about HolyJuan apparel. Until recently, the only clothing you could buy was a pair of boxers with the stain that roughly looked like toast.

Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at skreened.com. They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.

So far I only have one design.


Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.

Buy me.