Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts

Jesus Accidentally Reveals that the World is Round

GALILEE (HJ) - Jesus accidentally let it slip to the apostles that the world was round today during an informal breakfast. The crew had spent in the night in Samaria in preparation for a speaking engagement later that next day. Jesus was really hitting home the message of telling people about God by “spreading the Word of his Father around the globe.” Matthew spoke up and corrected Jesus by suggesting, “Don’t you mean the edges of the earth, your holiness?” “Excuse me?” Jesus asked quietly. Lebbaeus followed up with, “You said ‘around’ and ‘globe’ as if the Earth wasn’t flat.” Jesus raged, “Of course I meant the edges of the earth. I’m the fucking Son of God who is all-knowing. I meant around the flat globe.”

An unknown source close to Jesus believes that the Son of God knows a lot more than he is letting out, but that the encumbrance of knowing the whole story would crumple the minds of his followers. “Jesus once mentioned that Herod’s policies were pre-Cambrian. We assume that all this will be revealed to us at the proper time.” (Editor’s Note: This source was paid in silver for his account.)

After breaking their fast and gathering up the white wine and red dye packs, James was overheard speaking to Nathanial, “The earth is round? Surely he doesn't expect us to take such a preposterous concept on faith alone, does HE?!"

During the trip to the next gig, Jesus apologized and said the stresses of the upcoming crucifixion and three day confinement in the dark tomb were wearing on him. “If we don’t nail this finale, Dad’s gonna be pissed.” He held up two fingers, “Without me, it’ll just be Jews and Muslims and they could form a long lasting peace.” He held up the third, “A third branch will ensure millennia of strife and endless worship.”

At the speaking engagement, while the team prepared the false bottom baskets, James, son of Zebedee, questioned his brother John about the slip. John let it slide and said, “Everyone knows the world is flat. You know Jesus. He’s got a lot on his mind.”

Twitter takes care of that pesky Jesus question

I was trying to be funny when I wrote the following on Twitter concerning @Allah and @Jesus.

I then thought that maybe I should check to see if @Jesus even exists. When you click on his name, this is what you get:

I guess that answers that!

HolyJuan - Atheist Blogger?

I recently I found out that I was an Atheist. Well, my site is. I personally don't believe in my site, but I do believe that an actual blog exists, so I'm Agblogstic.

I'm currently rated as the 34th most popular Atheist site on the web.

There's only one instance of my using "atheist" on my site (at least before I created this post) with this cartoon: Jesus in Therapy.

I assume the friendly Jesus posts are a dead giveaway...

The Real Story of Jesus

Everyone should know that the story you have probably heard of Jesus is really not that correct. Here is the actual story:

Back in 0 when Jesus was born, his parents received some stolen merchandise from three gang members (The Kings of Asia) who asked them to hold on to the stuff and hide it until the tax season was over. Mary pawned the Myrrh, Joseph and some other sheep herders smoked the frankincense and they made haste with the gold.

On the road, Mary and Joseph set up a traveling circus with a side show to try to make money to pay off the Kings of Asia. They put Joseph in a dress as the bearded lady, Mary guessed age/weight while tending to the trained animals (seven seals), and they set their kid Jesus up to do slight of hand and sell the cure-alls.

As he grew up, Jesus got sick of the circus and started his own gang. He’d do anything to get members, even talking to the stinky people and the ones with gross diseases. Free sushi sandwiches brought thousands to his recruitment seminars and Jesus’ buy one jug of wine get twelve free offer was well known throughout the region. More people might have joined the gang, but Jesus only liked certain types of men with which to hang out.

Jesus was a pretty nice guy, but he always seemed focused on his dad's bi-polar disorder. Every story he told would start out fine, but he'd always end up back with his father issues and that someday he'd stand up and tell him how he really felt.

In the end, as the Kings of Asia were closing in, Jesus was visited by Time Travelers from the future who promised to provided him a cryogenic suspension device and convinced him that if he deposited his 30 silver coins in the bank today and waited to pop out in a few thousand years, he would not only have unlimited fortune, but fame as well.

Jesus agreed, paid the money, had a huge dinner to celebrate and then was immediately turned over, by the Time Travelers, to the Romans. Jesus was hung on a cross until dead and tossed in the side of a cliff. The Time Travelers got the guards drunk, stole the body of Jesus and left behind a life sized painting of Jesus that looked almost exactly like him except that he was painted Caucasian.

The Time Travelers slipped the rest of Jesus’ gang a shitload of LSD on unleaven bread and told them that they better not pout and better not cry or Jesus would come back and make with the pestilence. After sprinkling the country side with hundreds of chalices and Spears of Destiny, the Time Travelers disappeared into the sky.

The End