Motivational BS Seminar Spam is Good for Something

I'm not sure if you get these types of seminar spam in your mail box. I get one or two a week. Seminars that are held on a daily basis across the State of Ohio in the best Best Westerns they have to offer.

Over the holidays these damn things filled half of my mail box. So I, being the eco-friendly employee that I am, shoved them all in Josh's mailbox on top of his gathering pile of spam.

When Josh came back from the holidays, it took him a minute to realize that all that paper wasn't his. So he shoved them back in my box.

And then it was on.

We volleyed back and forth for a day or two, crumbling and folding and tearing the adverts. Some might observe, "Isn't the recycling bin right next to the mailboxes?" Yes it is and that's not the f*cking point.

A few days later I had two friends with nametags in my mailbox:

You will note who is on top and who is on bottom:

Upping the ante, I patiently awaited for new ammo to arrive. When it did, I took the mailings to the shredder, shredded them and stuffed the shreddings in his mailbox. I left some dangling out for effect. Josh caught on very quickly when he saw some of my accidental leavings by the shredder. Ever cut into confetti, those obnoxious mailings are easy to pick out from a distance.

A few days later, Josh inquired if I wanted to borrow a book that he had been reading. I accepted the book from across the cubicle. He noted that there were several sections that he had thought I might find interesting.

I did find them very interesting.

I knew I had to take it up a notch. There was a new unwritten rule that the Spaminar mailings could not just be stuck in the other's mailbox. It had to either be freely taken or deposited in the mailbox by other means.

So when more Spaminar mailings appeared in my box from the company, I took them and stuffed the mailings into an envelope.

On the front, I put a fictitious address in Lancaster, OH. I put Josh's name as the sender with a little note requesting return service.

I put a stamp on it and dropped it in the mailbox.

Days passed. I waited.

Then our Prodigal Post came home.


Here's' Josh after retrieving the mail.


That photo was taken right before Josh realized that I had actually sent the letter out and had the post office boomerang it. He thought I had just stuck it in an envelope and faked the front. Once he realize the length I went to, he was a bit more impressed.

Here's the front. I was sad there were not any "RETURN TO SENDER" stamps on this.


I can't wait to see what Josh comes up with next. I have one up my sleeve, but I need a refrigerator box. Let me know if you have one I can borrow.

Christmas with Allen and Lacey

Lacey was in town for the holidays and Caroline, Allen and I got together for a drink. Caroline wisely bailed before photographic evidence could be gathered.


Good times. Good times.

What I do at work

So, if you are wondering what I do at work, here is a glimpse into my workday via my desk:

Breast Milk Donation

Woo Hooooooo! Level 21 on Galaga!

Press 1 for Facebook idiocy

Gutter cleaning... weather permitting

I have gutters on my house that are almost out of reach of my current ladder. When I say almost, I mean that if I put my ladder up at a very steep angle and then stand on the sticker that says, “Do not stand on this rung,” I can reach way up high and get the tips of my fingers in the gutter. That being said, I do not try to clean my gutters anymore. My trees have easy access to my gutters and fill them with leafy goodness. Last year I had my gutters cleaned and the guy did not do a very good job. What he didn't leave strewn all over my yard, he left in the gutters. Two months later, ice filled my gutters and water backed up into my house.

This year I contacted a local guy (whom I shall refer to as GutterDude.) GutterDude seemed to have his shit together and I sent him an e-mail:

On Nov 28, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hello GutterDude,
Can you please let us know about getting a gutter cleaning quote for: (my address) Westerville, OH 43081

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Saturday, November 28, 2009 10:30 PM
To: Doug Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug,
The cost to clean your gutters will be $145.00. We are about a week out.
Thanks for your inquiring
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
On Nov 29, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hi GutterDude,
That sounds reasonable. Does this include cleaning up any of the fun stuff you find in our gutters? In the past, we've had an issue with people doing a so-so job of removing debris from the gutters and then leaving said stuff strewn all over the yard.

If your quote includes removal of all the debris in the gutters, then please let me know how we can go ahead and schedule you to come out. We can put a check under to doormat or drop it in the mail. Let us know how you would like to proceed.

Thanks!
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Sunday, November 29, 2009 11:14 AM
To: Doug
Price includes removal of all debris from the gutters and none left on the lawn.
We will leave an invoice in the door. We are about a week out.
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
December crept up and I got busy around the house and at work. I was outside hanging the Christmas lights when I noticed the leaves in the gutters still. I went in and the next morning I sent GutterDude an e-mail:

Sent: Friday, December 18, 2009 8:27 AM
To: 'GutterDude' Subject: RE: gutter cleaning quote

Hello GutterDude,
Did we slip off your schedule? I understood you were a week out, but that was three weeks ago.
Can you let me know if you are able to clean our gutters?

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
GutterDude did not get back to me and I realized that I had not given him a good request, so I tried again:

On Dec 19, 2009, at 10:07 AM, Doug wrote:
GutterDude,

I would appreciate some communication concerning the cleaning of our gutters at (Myhouse) in Westerville. Please either let me know when you will be here or let me know that you are canceling and that I need to find another vendor to take care of cleaning out our gutters.
Please let me know within 48 hours.

Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
To: Doug Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug
You are still on the list. We should be out this week weather permitting. Thank you for your patience.
GuttterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
That next week the snow began to fall and GutterDude did not arrive. As it was Christmas, I forgot about the gutters and moved on with other things. Soon January arrived and I went to take down the Christmas lights. There had been about four weeks of snow and below freezing weather which I assume was not permitting. But the weather was changing and there were expected highs in the 40s that next week… perfect for ice dams. I decided to write GutterDude one last time:

On Jan 14, 2010, at 10:21 PM, Doug wrote:

Hello GutterDude,
Please allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Doug and I contacted you on November 28th (that was back in 2009) to see about getting my gutters cleaned. You gave me a very good price and said you were a week out.

When you didn't show up for two weeks, I contacted you again and you said you would be out that week, weather permitting.

Now I look upon my house and I see clogged gutters filled with leaves and ice. It's quite beautiful at sunrise.

Tomorrow it will begin to warm up and the snow from my roof will melt and begin to head down to the gutter. I assume the conversation will go a little like this:

Melted Snow: "Hi gutter!"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm."

Melted Snow: "What's that?"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm!"

Melted Snow: "Oh! You can't talk because you are filled with ice and leaves!"

Gutter: "Hmm."

Melted Snow: "Well, I can't go down you and I've got to go somewhere. Where will I go?"

Doug's Drywall: "Hey! You can come down me!"

So, GutterDude... for the last time... when will you come to my house and clean out my gutters? When you say weather permitting, does that mean April? Either tell me that you will have a person here in the afternoon tomorrow or Saturday or tell me that you cannot clean my gutters.

Again: Tell me that you will have someone here on Friday January 14th, 2010 or Saturday January 15th, 2010 **OR** tell me that you have failed and will be unable to clean my gutters.

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Doug,

We do appreciate your patience. It looks like we should be able to do it Monday if not before
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
On Monday I stayed home from work and waited.

At 10:30am, the GutterDude truck pulled up and knocked on my door. And as much as I am a dick on the internet, I had a nice, quick chit chat with the guy and left him get to work. GutterDude unleafinated my gutters, cleaned up the debris in the yard and left me with an invoice and a thank you.

And my thanks to him is that I’m calling him GutterDude and not his real company’s name.

Rock on, GutterDude. Weather permitting.

Try using the "whole" quote

Sarah Palin sent out a Tweet yesterday asking her followers to remember Martin Luther King Jr. I can see how Palin, who has been under a lifetime of racial scrutiny for her accent, could believe in the hope behind MLK Jr.'s message.

Also in her Tweet, she (kind of) quotes MLK Jr. (see the fixed Tweet at www.FixingPalin.com)


Palin says, " "Faith is taking 1st step even when u don't see the staircase"-MLKjr"

Now, beyond the crappy Tweeting, there is something very wrong with this quote. The real quote is, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." (My emphasis on whole.)

Without "whole" the two quotes are completely different. King is suggesting that you understand your path, but not exactly where it might lead and that you must trust in others or a higher power after those first few steps. Palin is suggesting blind faith. It's the difference between walking down a dark set of stairs with a lantern and only being able to see as far as the circle of light glows *OR* running through a dark house with a blindfold on, hoping that everything will work out because of God's will.

I do not think Palin understands the difference, otherwise she would remember the whole quote and write it as such. To Palin, it doesn't matter. Faith is faith, blind or not.

Here are some other quotes that I assume Sarah Palin could Tweet and fuck up:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear, it's elf."

"4 score and 7 years ago, my four dads brought 4th, upon these awesome United States of America, with Liberty and JUSTICE 4 all."

"Mr. Gorbycough, all in all it's just another brick in the tear down this wall!"

"Dec. 7, 1941—a day which will live in for me"

"Jesus swept."

SCAM! SCAN OF WESTERN UNION

Hi Scammer! Just wanted you to know that I now have your IP address.

I'll be reporting it to the London Authorities.

Good day dumbass!

If you get an e-mail from Katie Beiter kataa0821@yahoo.com it is a scam. AVOID.

If you are given this address: Route 66, 325 Kentish Town Road, London, NW5 2T, United Kingdom it is a scam. AVOID.
If you are given this address: 98 Finchley Road, London, NW3 5EL
United Kingdom AVOID

Adam and Eve's copy of The Dark Side of the Moon (revisited)

I posted this earlier.


Very few people go it. I am too obscure. Here is the copy of The Dark Side of the Moon that Noah would have had after the whole ark thing.

Interviewing for Vanna's Job

During this time of tragedy, Sarah Palin wants you to donate... to her PAC

Sarah Palin made a plea to all her Twitter followers to donate by going to her Facebook page and clicking on some links:


But when you go to her Facebook page:


There are only two areas where DONATE can be seen:




I have to assume that Sarah wants you to donate to some relief effort and that she would never send her followers to her page to donate to her PAC (Political Action Committee.) But, I would assume that any semi-intelligent individual would post the links FIRST and then advertise on Twitter that people go and click on them.

Idiot.

I like FixingPalin's translation better:


(UPDATE) Two hours after her original Twitter post, Sarah Palin posted a message on Facebook saying, "To assist those in need, consider sending a $10 donation to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999." That's a bit under the 140 character limit of Twitter and she could have just said that in the first place.

Bobby is Measured

I think I promised Bobby that I wouldn't publish this. I also think promises have a 18 month shelf life.

Lotion

A video from around 2003. Dave and I helped to host the talent show and we created video filler material. This was one of the bits.



And I was thin in this video.

Forecast = SNOW!

The real purpose of airport screening

Very Creepy Coloring Book

We took Greg and Ann to see the neighborhood Santa. He handed out these coloring books as gifts. Starting with the cover, they are extremely creepy:

Front cover: Young gay cowboy seeks similar. Pew, pew pew!


The Ass Bandit makes his escape!


The chipmunk and rabbit will haunt my dreams tonight. It looks like the chipmunk is drawing in the book to hide the boy's groin from our view. THANK YOU CHIPMUNK.


OK. Not horrific. But that umbrella has a sharp point and someone could get hurt.


This kid is obviously drunk on fermented, giant olive. I think he drew this coloring book.

Limbaugh Diagnosis: Heart is Actually a Bile Creating, Dark Mass

Honolulu (HJ) -- Tests that were performed on Rush Limbaugh after he was admitted to a Hawaii hospital for chest pains "found absolutely nothing wrong," the conservative talk show host said Friday. As a matter of fact, doctors found absolutely nothing that resembled a heart. Senior cardiologist Dr. Mark Hudson explained, “While we believe the pain was caused by an arterial spasm, the arteries in Limbaugh do not come from a “heart,” but rather a large, dark mass that resembles a secondary liver. It is lumpy with some fleshy out-shoots that mimic non-functionality of the appendix.”

Limbaugh said his ordeal started Wednesday afternoon, when he began experiencing pain in his upper left chest "like I've never experienced before."

Dr. Hudson shared, “Once in the hospital, we performed an angiogram that revealed no evidence of arterial or coronary disease. We believe this is due to the large amount of bitter bile that is created by the secondary liver.” Dr. Hudson continued, “We believe that this bile is created in Limbaugh’s “heart” and transported throughout his body in a similar fashion as blood is delivered in humans. The bile is then transported to the lungs where it is mixed with an intake of oxygen and then the waste bile is expelled out the mouth.”

The cause of his pain -- which he called "real" -- has not been determined. It is possible that during Rush’s vacation, there was a build-up of bile that could not be released in the normal fashion during his radio program.

He was discharged from the hospital Friday, bile spewing from his mouth as always. "The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer," he said. "I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine. You should all fly to Hawaii and get your treatment here. I can also suggest some great pharmacies in New York, Florida, California and several other states."

Limbaugh's radio show is broadcast on more than 600 stations and is heard by more than 13.5 million listeners each week.

It took a year...

Wisdom from a friend

I sent a buddy of mine a link to a video of Mike Rowe speaking at TED. His reply (which I have slightly edited) was unexpected, but appreciated.

I say I am a (occupation) a lot. That is my job, but in reality I do very little of that. I am a defender, an advocate, cheerleader, a motivator, a negotiator, a diplomat, a lobbyist and all of these things, make me a leader. I do all of these things in support of those who do the work. Mike is a great speaker. Most people don't pay attention to the fact that the people that grease the wheels of the world, are those that have the gift of oration. I would venture to bet that almost all great things and a whole lot of bad deeds, were born of a great speech. And, even more likely, a small quiet conversation around the water cooler. No product was ever sold or mission ever accomplished simply buying the item, but buying the seller. Wow, all that and not one sarcastic comment or joke, sorry.


Thanks for that.

The Known Universe and Muse

Someone set "The Known Universe" video to music from Muse. Greg drew this picture right after watching it. I like the flag on the moon.

Shouldn't there be a rule against this kind of thing?

My buddy Kevin saw this at a Columbus Chipotle store. I assume Chipotle's employees eating free food on the job policy is pretty strict.

Noah's Greatest Challenge

Buy.com delivers a black pen

I ordered a twelve pack of markers from Buy.com through Amazon. Actually I think I stole them from Buy.com because they were really expensive oil based markers and they were selling them for less than $.50 each.


When the package showed up, I was amazed that they would ship a pack of 12 markers in such a large box.


What's this?


One pen?


The paperwork seemed to say that this was it. One pen. A few e-mails later I worked it out with Buy.com. They had a miscommunication with Amazon and listed the wrong item. Buy.com refunded the cost of the pen and I didn't have to ship it back to them in their outrageously huge box.

Employee Must "Wash Hands" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

My buddy Dustin found this sign in a Columbus, OH restaurant bathroom:


I think this is secret code for "Don't worry about washing your hands if no customers are around, but if they are in the bathroom, at least run the water for a few seconds and make a good show of it."

You can catch Dustin's website at http://dustincharles.wordpress.com/.

Greg Slides - A Documentary

Fixing Palin

Did you know that Sarah Palin has a Twitter account? You should check it out because it is quite hilarious. She types with the ferocity of a fourth grade, dyslexic H4X0R.

What's silly is that it doesn't have to be that hard. You don't have to be illegible when condensing down your insanity to fit within the confines of Twitter. The word for doesn't always have to be Tweeted as "4".

I've started used to stay current on a Twitter account called Fixing_Palin where I retype what she Tweets (sometimes pausing to throw up as I do so), fixing her text and making it all fit in 140 characters.

For instance:


or:


I assume that I will keep this up until she fixes her shit or I get bored.

Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge

Dear HolyJuan:

I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Logan Leadfoot


Dear Pb 12 inches,

Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.

Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.

Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.

Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.

Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:

HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081

I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.

The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.

Love,

HolyJuan

The Greatest Gift Ever

At a Christmas party this weekend we had a gift exchange and our buddy Pat created the greatest gift ever:

The Self Pleasure Kit


Contents:
1 tube of lotion
1 travel pack of kleenex
1 framed photo of Josh's Mom

A HolyJuan Family Christmas

The HolyJuan clan wishes you a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. May we all be able to afford our own holiday cards next year.

Will There Be Another Indiana Jones Sequel? -A Greg & Dad Film Production

She Asked HolyJuan

Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!


Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Sarah Palin will be remembered for ions to come

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next President of the United States on Twitter:


Scientific advice from someone who doesn't know ions from eons.

The Bet is Over

The No More Snow in 2009 Bet is over and I was incorrect.

I've always said that you can make 100 insane predictions and if only one of them comes true, people will forget the failed ones and call you a oracle and buy any book you print.

Back in February of 2009, I predicted that Columbus, OH would not receive any more snow in 2009. This was mainly brought on by a couple of future casts that predicted six feet of snow two weeks out.

Though the end of February and then March we didn't get any snow. Towards the end of April we had some flurries, but nothing else. Summer came and then Fall. While other places around the states got early snow, Columbus remained shielded with a dome of positive thoughts and impossible odds.

Right at the end of November, I shared this bet with my local weatherman. He replied:


But then the weeks started to go by. The snow Jym predicted in the first week never materialized. And by the second week, the future cast looked clear. On Wednesday of this week, they predicted flurries for the weekend. Then by Thursday that was updated to snow. And more snow.

Last night as we drove back from Erik's house, the first hint of snow began to fall and those little tiny flakes crushed my Nostradamus aspirations. This morning there is a carpet of way more than 1/4" inch of snow on the ground and the bet is off.

Please check by again in the first week of January for my predictions of 2010. For those interested, here are the links to my predictions from 2007 and 2008:

2007 Predictions
2008 Predictions

Goodbye Kroger Personal Finance

I fucked up. In my last online payment last month, I paid my Kroger Credit for the future date of 12/30/09 instead of 11/30/09. When the paper bill came in the mail, I noticed that there was a late fee of $39.00. I knew I paid the bill so I went through my documentation, saw the error I made and called them up to see if I could get it fixed seeing as I have been a good boy and haven't had a late payment in about four years.

The person I spoke to was nice enough and when I gave her the story she ran off to talk to her supervisor about crediting the late fee. She came back and offered me a one time credit, which I was hoping for. I agreed and she began typing.

Then she said, "Oh, you have a promotional balance transfer."

Six months ago, Kroger had a 3.99% forever transfer deal. I ate that up and shifted some debt from another card on to our empty Kroger Card.

"Why does it matter if we have a promotional balance transfer."

She eeked, "Because that rate might be raised." I didn't ask to what, but I assume it is the default 23432.99%. So I calmly replied, "No. I don't want the higher rate." She said, "No one customer wants the higher rate." Then I replied, then don't raise it." She explained, "I cannot do anything about the rate." Then I gave her the, "Let me talk to your boss." She said, "My boss will not be able to do anything about it." And then I explained using a method I call shouting, "Let me talk to your boss."

She was gone for 2 -3 minutes and then came back on to introduce me to her boss.

Boss said that the rate might go up. I said make it not go up. She said she could do nothing. I said, "Yes you can." She said no.

I canceled the card.

Now I'm wondering where in the paperwork it says that canceling the card means giving up my house and kids.

I would also like to take the time to express that @OSUFanMike is a douche bag.

I know what you did.

God has determined that your life is worth $1,093.09 per day

In 1987, Oral Roberts announced that if he did not raise 8 million dollars by March 1st, 1987, god would “call him home” or die as you and I might phrase it.

Oral Roberts did indeed raise 8 million dollars. In fact, he raised 9.1 million dollars.

8, 325 days later, Oral Roberts was called home. For 9.1 million dollars, he was allowed to live an additional 22 years, 9 months and 14 days.

If you do the math, that makes it a cool $1,093.09 per day the he walked this Earth after the payment was negotiated. That also makes it $45.55 per hour (sans overtime) or $0.75 a minute or $0.012 per second.

Somehow this means that I owe god $15,802,802.00 for my time on Earth. I hope there is a payment plan in hell.

Reflection Fail

My buddy Smail caught this reflection fail in a Macy's elevator in Louisiana.


Though I like the sound of a horror flick, "The Eight Faces of Miranda."

Your Own Kung-Fu Script

Do you like King-Fu movies? Sure, we all do!

Write your own script here at http://www.onlyknives.com/diy-kung-fu-movie-script/. It's kinda like MadLibs and a little like guy-with-a-knife-site-randomly-sends-you-a-link. Both which are cool.

Ohio Court Pays $2,500 a Day for Black Man to have White Man Make-up

LANCASTER OH (HJ) – Trevor R. Smoot, 38, was picked up for attempted burglary on October 21st. Before his appearance at the Fairfield County Courthouse, his defense attorney demanded that Smoot be given an opportunity for a completely fair trial in front of an all white jury. To this end, the lawyer requested that Smoot, a black man, be allowed to wear make-up that made him look like a white man. The court reluctantly agreed, but found itself in a bit of a legal loophole that requires the court to pay for any necessary accommodations for “mei capilli sunt flagrantes” or fair trial without cost.

Recently, Florida murder suspect and neo-Nazi John Ditullio found himself in a similar situation. Every day before court, he spent the hour before his trial in a $125 makeup session, paid for courtesy of the state. His make-up was to cover up Nazi tattoos on his face and neck. Smoot’s lawyer sought the same type of make-up to protect his client from the possible racism of an all-white jury.

At a cost of $2,500 per day, a special trailer has been brought in that houses his make-up artist and the special tools needed to turn Mr. Smoot into a white man. Del Donkins, special effects and make-up artist has worked on such films as “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” and “Shaving Ryan’s Privates.” Mr. Smoot arrived on the first day of trial at 4:30am to begin his make-up session. In about four hours the transformation was complete. To the unknowing jury, he would look just like an every day, ordinary white man.

In the courtroom, as the prosecutor began to present his case, there was a rumbling amongst the jury. Judge Frank Masterson called for order and the foreman was brought to the bench. A few minutes later the foreman returned to the jury box and announced that the jury could never find such an innocent looking man guilty and asked that all charges be dropped. The judge had no other recourse but to drop the charges.

Here is Mr. Smoot’s reaction to the jury’s decision.