HolyJuan's How To: Make coffee at work

We have free coffee at work. While I appreciate the sentiment, the instant coffee concentrate mixed with tepid water doesn't quite cut it. Luckily, Erik told me about a simple plastic device that will brew a single cup of coffee without the need for a large machine that would probably start a fire when I forget to turn it off.


Here's what you will need:

-individual coffee filter holder plastic funnel thingy
-no. 2 coffee filter (unbleached)
-coffee
-coffee cup (huge size)
-cold water and a time machine or hot water
-level
-Tupperware container

Insert filter into filter holder. It will never exactly conform to the holder so just live with it.


Fill filter with coffee. Use the amount as instructed on the side of the can:


Then add three times that amount:


I like a huge cup of coffee and as you can see the filter holder is too small to fit over the rim of the cup.


I'm noticing that the cup is dirty from my previous cup of coffee I drank last week. Let me take that to the photoshop sink and wash it out:


Take the level and put it over the huge cup. Because the level is unlevel, you'll need to set the opposite end on the empty Tupperware container.


Set your filter, filled with coffee grounds, on the level over the huge coffee cup:


Go back in time four minutes and boil a large cup of water in the microwave for four minutes. Ensure you use Styrofoam to boil your water as the fluorocarbons give the coffee a nice cancery flavor.


Pour the hot water into the filter and make sure it goes though the hole in the level and into the cup. Now is about the time you find out if your level has a hole in it or not.


Mine has a hole in it and the cup below is filling up:


Oh shit! GO back in time again and make sure your cup is big enough to hold all the hot water you just dumped in the filter holder. *BZAP* I'm back and my cup is big enough. You might not be able to dump all the hot water in the filter at once so be patient and watch how the hot water and coffee grounds interact. What images to you see in the grounds? A wave? A woman's face? THE DEVIL?


Relax...Enjoy!

Funny comments from my Jesus Fish article

Awhile back ago, I wrote about Avoiding the Jesus Fish. My personal opinion is that people who advertise with a Jesus Fish are two bit scammers, working on the hearts, rather than the minds of consumers. Maybe a good advertising ploy, but I assume Jesus would frown upon it.

It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!

Doug said...

See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.

But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal

Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.

Good day friend!


Anonymous said...

While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.

Doug said...

NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.

You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.

You sicken me.

Anonymous said...

Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.

The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."

The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.

I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.

I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.


Doug said...

Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.

Anonymous said...

Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!

Doug said...

Thanks for playing.

Reddit Twitter Fail

Not a complete fail, but a funny coincidence.

xkcd minus xkcd - Pep Tal

via - http://xkcd.com/544/

Old Pedo License Plate - Advertising Child Molestor or Aged Foot Doctor?

PRO TIP: Do not search for the term "old pedo" on-line.

All paper products removed from bathroom prank

Some signs were recently posted in the bathrooms at work outlining some additional resource saving measures:

SIGN POSTED AT URINAL



A COPY OF THE SIGN


You know that someday, it will come down to something similar (like the three shells in the bathrooms from Demolition Man.)

Gun Show

Baking Soda Busted

A Chops/HolyJuan collaboration.

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

One of my favorite Australian actress/models is feeling the torment of wanting the ever so desirable imperfect love in this take what you can get world. See if you can give her some advice.

HolyJuan's First and Only Ever Caption Contest

Please enter your caption for the following photo in the comments section below. The winner gets a free HolyJuan framed business card. Good luck!

Tweet-Up Chivalry

We had a Tweet-up in downtown Columbus at COSI a few weeks ago. A Tweet-up is basically a social gathering of networking internet folk who use Twitter. It was fun to meet people in real life and I got to crack wise and make an ass out of myself.

As the night was wrapping up, I had the opportunity to chat with Erie who works in the Ohio Attorney General's office. She was very cool and I wanted to make sure that I had her name so that I could follow her on Twitter. I had my camera and went to take a photo of her nametag. I realized that I was about to get a picture of her womanly front part protrusion and, giving into modesty, visually blocked her female, chest area protuberance with my hand.



I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now that I look at the photo, I must assume that she thinks I am a complete idiot.

But you have got to give it to me that I didn't say boob once in this entire article.

You can follow me on Twitter at @holyjuan.

William Shatner and family visit COSI

William Shatner visited the Columbus, Ohio's Center of Science and Industry in 1972 with his children and soon to be wife, Marcy Lafferty.

If you look closely, you can see Picard looking over his shoulder.

And you can look at the squares and squares t-shirt here.

My Secret Crush

I have a crush on Other Mother from the movie Coraline.

Photo courtesy of Randi Mason on Flickr.

I know she is evil. I know she is horrible. I know she is deadly.

But it's just a crush.

Now to see if I can't get Miss Sally to buy Clairol Haircolor #70 Black Stilettos - Bright Black. Hubba hubba.

Cuil

This is a Cuil.

Chops meets Jerry

Michelle had her first run in with celebrity (second if you count me) this past weekend. You can read about it on her website Subway Seat for 3.


I am personally against bothering celebs, but I'm sure Jerry didn't mind the warm, generous touch of the Chop.

Greg Eats: Lemon Head - The Face Puckering Memory of Taste

Sadly, Erik was killed during the last Erik Eats segment, so now I'm being forced to use my son as food taste bait. Today on Greg Eats - Lemon Heads!


This type of Lemon Head is the individually wrapped, gumball sized version. Packed with Sourifiticky.


Not exactly round, but when you are filled with such delicious sour essence, it tries to force itself out of its round cage.


He pops it in his mouth. Maybe it's not so bad...


ARGH! IT'S SOUR!!


He's starting to get used to it...


ANOTHER WAVE OF SOUR HITS!!


The sour has overcome him!


He's down, but not out. His conclusion? Lemon Heads are AWESOME!

Ohio

Ohio is all about waiting: waiting for the first snow and then waiting for it to go away. Waiting for the first hint of spring and then waiting for it to stop raining. Waiting for school to be out and vacation. Waiting for football season. Waiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Waiting for the ball to drop and waiting to wait. But I like it.

Ohio has four distinct seasons. In between each of those seasons are two perfect days. You almost don’t notice them because they are so pleasant. You have to look over your shoulder to realize they were there. I look out for them and I wait.

Most people who move to Ohio become acclimated pretty quickly. They might miss their brand of coffee or their bakery or deli. But they fall into line and march in step with the rest of us. People that leave Ohio never really do. You carry the Midwest in your back pocket along with your manners and self esteem. You can see them in the subway making eye contact and you can hear them in line at the grocery saying, “Thanks!”

I don’t think I’m leaving here anytime soon. More than likely, you’ll be coming here. We’ll show you around and buy you a cup of so-so coffee. You’ll find yourself wishing you had brought your jacket to the high school football game, but not needing it by the end of the night. You’ll find people waving at you for no reason and realize it was because you waved first. You’ll put down mulch and actually fertilize the roses. You’ll notice that the second lowest branch on the tree would be perfect for a swing and in fact there are two parallel scars in the bark where someone had that same idea fifteen years ago.

Ohio’s not perfect, but it’s good. And that’s perfect.

Police Called in on Search after Facebook Friend Goes Missing

COLUMBUS- Columbus Police were called into to assist with finding a woman reported missing early Friday afternoon from a local man’s Facebook page. Currently the police have no leads.

Luke Lester called police after he realized the woman was missing from his friends list. “I had recently found a girl from my high school and “added” her to my friends. I was in the process of sending her a drink and a link to my blog and she was gone.” Lester had found the girl using a tool on the site that helps locate people you might know. His request was accepted and he began endlessly commenting on her status and plying her with virtual drinks. “We were getting along great right before she disappeared. I hadn’t actually spoken with her, but she was accepting my virtual plants and invitation to guess what 80’s rock band she was. I was just about to send her a margarita because I saw her wearing a Hawaiian shirt in one of her photos.” Lester was unable to find her in his list of friends and after searching on his own for a few minutes, decided he should call for help. “It was like she was deleted from my life.”

Police report that the search has been difficult because Lester seems to be blocked from looking at the woman’s profile. “It’s almost like she trying to stay missing.”

25 Random Things About Me Help

You may be familiar with the Facebook / e-mail going around that asks for you to list 25 random things about yourself that people might not know. This item is very popular, but many people have not completed the list because they can only think of 22 or 23 things about themselves. If you find yourself in this predicament, feel free to use one of the following to top off your list.

- Ate 34 White Castles at one sitting and subsequently did not date for three years.
- Loved the Marathon Bar (with the ruler on the back) and still have a ½ eaten one under my bed
- Killed a man in a fight, but we made up afterwards
- I’ve eaten bear, rabbit, turtle and something that might have been tofu.
- I have never failed a lie detector test.
- I was kicked out of the Secret Service for having sex with a chicken.
- Three time Mid-Ohio AA Checkers Champion (freestyle)
- Like oatmeal, hate porridge, no comment on grits
- Lost my virginity for the thirteenth time at the new B-Hamptons on the stamped metal dance floor
- Made my bed once back in 1994 and haven’t looked back.
- Brew my own Schlitz Malt Liquor
- I can beat you at 80’dance and 90’s glam
- Favorite board game - Sorry; favorite thing to say after sex – Sorry
- Need the Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, Burger King Glass Goblet to complete the set
- Own two reversible bras
- I’m afraid of drive-thrus
- I count my printer paper to ensure all 500 sheets are there. Once I found an extra sheet and sent it back to the company.
- Can’t figure out how to load music on my iPod, so I walk around pretending like I listen to music
- Recently learned that the cardboard tube is NOT the last sheet of toilet paper.
- I drive like I own a standard, but only have an automatic. The guys at car repair shop know my credit card number by heart.
- I have had an erection for the past 18 years.
- I have never met a man I could best in nude, hands tied behind your back wrestling.
- I have an irrational fear of fractions
- I think white out is racist
- My glass is half full. Then shits starts to evaporate and I get pessimistic.
- I can’t forget.

Goodbye Zima

By now you have probably figured out that I am very, very fem. If you didn't recognize that through the haze of manliness that I exude, listen to this:

I like Zima. I like Zima and I like to put fruit in Zima. I like Zima because it tastes fruity and sparkley and I'm sure that when unicorns cry, they cry Zima tears.

I recently cried when I found out that the unicorns had ceased to produce tears and therefore Zima had halted production. My sister also loves Zima so I called her immediately. The phone didn't even ring once because she had picked it up right as I dialed the last number, feeling a ripple in the force. She asked me, "Did someone in the family die?" I said, "No, it's worse," and I told her and she didn't say anything for a little bit before hanging up.

The next day Amy must have gone around punching and stabbing unicorns because she sent me this photo:


She had traveled in the four state region, collecting Zima from High School parties and under the beds of shamed fraternity brothers. Her collection is not large and someday she will drink the Last Zima. I hope I am there to witness.

Is Expelled a documentary?

Slap!

Jesus' First Miracle

Sarah's Cool Cigar Box Purse

I love Sarah's cigar box purse. Not that I doubt Sarah's adept skills, but I had to question her for several minutes until I believed that she made it herself. It is very well done. So without further ado and any doubts about my manliness out the window, here is Sarah's cigar box purse.







Good stuff!

Jen's Dog

Yo Dawg!

Photo via: http://www.flickr.com/photos/boozysmurf/11841066/

If you brush your teeth with toothpaste, what do you brush your moles with?

Doug Sleeps

The Subway Seat for 3 girls finally got their apartment furnished just in time for me to visit NYC and pass out. Michelle's new roommates might not know that I can pass out in a 6" x 6' space as long as I can pull a curtain off the wall and cover myself with it.

You can read about the new furnishings HERE.

What you should really do is try to locate all the good Doug sleeping locations in their newly furnished apartment. I didn't have a good photo of me passed out, so I had to use this photo of me begging for change.


See how many Doug sleeping places you can find! (click to embiggen.)


ANSWER: There are 37 Doug pass out spots! (Six of them are under Avenger's bed and four more of me are hiding under Michelle's sheets listening to Shorty snore.)

I don't make the rules

T-Shirt Copyright Protected

My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com:



Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/copyright-claim.

Laser Guy likes the YMCA

I was zipping around the internet and clicked on a link about a douchbag in Cleveland who was recently found guilty of shooting a laser at passing airplanes. Upon arriving at the link, I was jumped by a YMCA ad that unfurled itself from the corner. I fought it back but couldn't help but notice that the guy in the pool looks a lot like the guy that just got busted for idiocy.

Douchebag Laser Guy

Douchebag Laser Guy better days

Good teachers are hard to find

Is it possible to be "just friends" with the opposite sex?

No.

Aperture Science

There are few opportunities when you get to mix work with video games. I couldn't help but take the opportunity when we were designing this biopsy graphic.

Lame

lame
adjective, lam⋅er, lam⋅est,
verb, lamed, lam⋅ing,
1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.
2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
4. Slang. out of touch with modern fads or trends; unsophisticated.
5. Bobby’s 21st birthday party

Out at 7:30pm, home by 10:00pm. Officially the lamest 21st birthday party ever. I have never seen anyone go from 20 to 87 years old.

You suck Bobby.

Bush Leaves Washington - Die Hard Style

Photo via Ruth Fremson/The New York Times

Keegan loses control

We've had Keegan working overtime to prepare for an event this weekend. And from looking at this photo...

...it seems that either:

A: Keegan had coolant leak on to his jeans
B: Keegan was shocked by an ungrounded wire and lost bladder control
C: Keegan was over committed to his work and decided to continue working rather than take a bathroom break
D: Keegan is sexually aroused by lasers

I'll help you decide.
It's not A: because the coolant is located lower than where he is standing
It's not B: because Keegan would never have an ungrounded wire (for the 10th time)
It's not C: because Keegan is never that committed to work
It's not D: because Keegan is impotent due to several ungrounded wire shocks

So I guess it is none of the above. Why do you think the stain on Keegan's pants is?

Pencil Eraser Plastic Surgery with BONUS Cancer Cure

My favorite local "Non-surgical Beauty" medical doctor is up to some real advertising gold again. It looks like in the first photo, the person has wrinkles or hair or worms on their upper lip. In the second photo, some defoliation has taken place.


I like making money, just like Dr. Mudd, so I decided to start my own cancer treatment. To prove its effectiveness, I have posted these scientific diagrams of ACTUAL CANCER TREATMENT.


You can see from the scientific drawing, the cancer is 100% photoshopped out of the patient. The best part is that the treatment is 100% natural. And it only costs $4,000,000.00.

Subway Seat for 3

Michelle packed up, left Columbus and got a job in New York City.

She and her two buddies have a website you should check out: http://subwayseatfor3.blogspot.com/. You can follow their daily grind and I think there is a shower-cam, too. It seems that in New York, chicks are bothered by douche bags on an hourly basis. Read how Michelle accidentally says yes to a proposal from a hot dog cart guy.

Good luck Michelle!

4th Hand Smoke Found to be Cause of Ear Cancer

COLUMBUS - The Institute of American Cancer Studies released a report today concerning a new diagnosis of smoking induced auricular cancer. This alarming study has determined that this recently discovered cancer is caused by Fourth Hand Smoke. Dr. Rich Sparhawk of the Grunnard Institute explains, “Fourth Hand Smoke occurs when a person is forced to listen to someone complaining about how their friend’s clothes smelled of smoke from being at a bar the night before.”

1. Person A interacts with smoker at bar/party.

2. Person A runs into Person B at a different venue.

3. The next day Person B complains to you about the smell of Person A.

4. Ear cancer strikes!

While complaints about smoking are not new, this new type of complaining is whinier, higher pitched and narcissistic. Dr. Senja Filkrujka is an ear cancer specialist, “The sound wave’s resonance “awakens” the ear cancer eggs that naturally line the ear canal. While the cancer eggs are usually dormant, this “4th hand smoke” ruptures them, forcing the eggs into their growth cycle. Within days, tumors fill the ears and crawl deep inside the brain. It’s quite nasty.”

The prognosis is not very good, “Until we can get everyone to quit smoking, there are still going to be people hanging around with smokers who then later bump into non-smokers who will then complain about it to some other poor person later.”

Top 1 Reason to Have Sex Tonight

1. I can't believe that people need a stinking reason to have sex.