Shower Curtain Practical Joke (NSFW)

(CAUTION: This post is not safe for work, small children and most of the Middle East.)

Kim and Shorty held their mostly annual Christmas party this year and John decided to liven up the event via a shower curtain he purchased on the internet.

He originally meant to buy the (you don't want to click on this link)FISTING SHOWER CURTAIN, but it was probably so wildly popular that it was sold out and he instead got the SMDB curtain.

John was giddy when he and Bekah arrived at the party. They sneaked up to the guest bathroom and were relieved when the guest bathroom shower curtain hooks would work with their gift. They hung it up and the upstairs was immediatley filled with a stinky, chemical vinyl smell. Or it was a scratch and sniff curtain.

Here is the curtain installed:


Miss Sally and Lynne enjoying the curtain:

I never noticed it before, but the black shirts make it look like Miss Sally and Lynne are groping each other!

It took about two hours for Kim and Shorty to figure out the curtain was up. I assume they kept it up for a few months becuase they enjoyed it so much.

Automobile Driving Pledge

Read this pledge. Agree to it by signing your name in the comments. Print out the Driving Pledge Membership Card. If you get pulled over, it won’t help you get out of a ticket, but it will give the officer a good laugh.

1. I pledge to follow all the driving laws of my state. When I am in your state, I’ll try to follow those, too.

2. I pledge not to drive like a douche, except in such situations that would conflict with Pledge 1.

3. I pledge to only be in the passing lane to pass a slower moving vehicle and that I will pass said slower vehicle at up to 33% over the speed limit so that I don’t slow down the people behind me. I also realize and accept that this violates Pledge 1.

4. I pledge to only break Pledge 1 when following Pledge 3 or Pledge 5.

5. I pledge to follow all these pledges, except for Pledge 4 when it conflicts with this one.

Did you see how Discovery Channel will pay for Palin's new show?

My Guess - Opera Mini

I tired to guess December 31, 2999 at 23:59:59 but it defaulted to January 19th, 2039 3:14:07. I wonder why that date is special.

Rejected

Sadly, GQ rejected me in 2009 for their next year's calendar. They finally sent my photo back:

It took me about half an hour to get down from there.

Math Problem is a Problem

Can anyone help me with this 1st grade level math problem?

How Long is Your Finger?

My co-worker, Levi, decided to not deal with the hassle of carrying around a 3 inch ruler, so he had one tattooed on his finger. I'm sure it is a great idea, but now in Levi's language there are only things that are less than 3" and more than 3".

Eating an Eagle

A man is brought before the judge. He was found by park rangers, in the middle of the forest, eating a bald eagle. The judge said, "Before I lock you up, I'll give you a chance to explain yourself."

The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!

The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."

Census Letter

Did you get the Census letter about the pamphlet about the postcard?

Getting it out of the way

Normally, my 1st grader has one word family word each week (words with the same ending like big, rig and dig.) This week he had two. I'm starting to think the teacher is trying to wrap it all up in one week.

Next week's word families: _hit and _unt.

Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers

Blackwater is in deep water. A number of months ago, Iraq denied the protection services company a renewal of their operating license. This left hundreds of highly trained protection services people angry and bored. The last thing anyone wants is for three or four Blackwater guys to wake up in the morning and say, “What do you want to do today?”

To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.

Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.

Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.

Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.

Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.

Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.

Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.

Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.

What up, Stu!

Of all people, I ran into Stu at Circus during the Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos show. Time has been good to him, but obviously his vision is the only thing that has changed.

Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos in Columbus, OH March 2010

Margot came into Columbus on Thursday and I was happy. I bought two tickets and conned Dustin into going. We met at Skully's for pre-concert drinks and walked down to Circus around 9:00pm.

When we walked into Circus, I thought that a group of Amish carpenters had been hired to build a stage, but it turned out that it was the opening band.


It was hard to tell where the band ended and the crowd began as many of the members poured off the stage and stood in front. Interestingly enough, Erik Kang of Margot was one of the band members off the stage.

The band turned out to be Super Desserts and they have a very interesting sound. I loved the female vocals and the strings blended quite nicely.

I suggest you check out this video of their song Funeral. As a future commenter will post, it will have you "at work today humming "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" all day.

The second band was Dolson. I was taken aback by their set. When I was doing some pre-concert research, I went to their MySpace page and listened to a few of their songs. They sounded pretty mellow. I can dig mellow. But when they came out, they rocked.

It was a pleasant surprise, as I wanted to wait until the main act to weep. Check out their site and give them a listen, but I highly recommend catching them live.

The next group up was the Four Douchebags. Not a musical group, but rather four fucks in leather jackets. The photos speak for themselves.


Luckily they moved on before Margot got on stage.

Margot rolled on stage and something was amiss. I noticed that Emily Watkins' carved keyboard was not on stage. My initial thought was that it was in the shop and this taped together hunk of junk was the loaner. No problem. Until the anti-Emily Watkins sat down behind the board and began to play.

Also missing was the un-missable Casey Tennis. I was sad. I secretly hoped they had bad sushi earlier in the day, but a fan standing next to us said that four of the original members had left the band.

Crap. It's sad because the show rocked. Richard Edwards is an excellent musician and I dig his lyrics and I love his music, but the guy oozes prick. No, his prick doesn't ooze; I can just tell that they guy is probably pretty hard to get a long with. He seems like he knows what his music is and that you should not try and tell him otherwise.


Other band members literally take a back seat to Edwards.

I will continue to follow Margot where ever Richard takes them. And now I'm left wondering what Emily is up to and what barbed wire stuffed animals Casey is sticking in his pants.

BONUS PHOTOS:

Dustin uses his iPhone to figure out what Britney Spears song was playing in between sets.

The Fourth Douchebag cannot afford a leather jacket.

Cryptic words on Edwards' guitar.

I assume the gaffers tape was covering up something.

HolyJuan and Dustin. The average of our ages was the second oldest person at this show.

Redneck Stoplight Traffic Camera Deterrent

I saw this driving home today. That squirrel was sound asleep.




I think this is some kind of redneck stoplight traffic camera deterrent.

Greece Fakes Earthquake in Attempt to Get Out of Debt

LONDON (FD) – Greece has fallen upon hard times and is on the verge of financial collapse. The Greek government has tried many tactics such as freezing pensions, cutting salaries and adding taxes with limited success.

In light of several recent natural disasters around the globe, the government of Greece decided to try something different. In 2010, when Haiti was struck with their natural disaster, the international community decided to forgive Haiti’s debts.

So Greece decided to fake a massive earthquake.

It started with an organized Twitter campaign to begin a viral news event.

As the Tweets ramped up, #greece #earthquake and #IFeltIt began to trend. As usual with Twitter, when one person claimed they felt an earthquake, others began to think they too had felt the earthquake.

The borders of Greece were closed to all media to keep them “out of harms way.”

The government began to release photos of the devastation.

COLLAPSE CAUGHT ON CAMERA

CITY IN RUINS


DEVASTATION

RESCUERS DIG THROUGH THE RUBBLE LOOKING FOR SURVIVORS

MEMORIAL (TRANSLATION: Ranstooplooolis Gyro Cart - CLOSED)


Within the first hour of the news, sixty three thousand charities popped up in the United States. Within two hours, there were eight celebrity videos. By nine o'clock that evening, there were two made for television movies in the can. And by midnight, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had adopted 426 Grecian orphans.

The fake earthquake ultimately failed after the Greek government neglected to share this plan with the general population of Greece. As people called in to loved ones and to check on damage, the population had no clue what anyone was talking about.

In less than 24 hours the charade was over with the Government of Greece explaining that it was all one big misunderstanding and that it hoped it would be able to return the donated 1.7 billion dollars over the next 50 years.

Photo Credits from Flickr: Sean Wallis, Gothphil, Josh Clark, Ken Mayer and Underthesun.

Reddit Secret Santa Surprise

I am a fan of Reddit.com. This past holiday season, they put together the biggest Secret Santa gift exchange ever. Reddit community members were assigned another member for whom to buy a gift with the knowledge that they, too, would receive a gift. Thousands of people were involved and it was a beautiful thing.

I signed up and received my Secret Santa’s name and address. I bought this person a few gifts, wrapped them and sent them out. That was December 10th.

The folks at Reddit set up a website so that users could track when they got a gift and learn when their Secret Santa got their gift and how they reacted. People posted photos and stories. Some were happy and many were ecstatic. I waited for my Secret Santa to get his gift and for my Secret Santa gift to arrive.

Did I mention that that was December 10th?

Time passes. I did not get my gift and my Secret Santa never posted that he received his gift. I was sad.

I gave up at the end of January. Even a bomb shaped gift from Australia going though customs would have made it by February.

And then today…

Today, Gary stopped me in the hallway at work. He said there was a package for me on his cart. I didn’t think much of it until I saw the beat up box with the word HolyJuan on the top. For a fragment of a moment I thought my Secret Santa gift had finally arrived.

Then I realized that the box was my box and the address was my return address and the large stamp on top said UNCLAIMED and RETURN TO SENDER.

And again I was sad.

Then I remembered what Dad once said. He said, “The best gifts are sometimes the ones you buy yourself.”

So I took my box home and gave it to my son Greg.

Here’s Greg when he found out that my package didn’t make it to the person it was supposed to get to.


And here he is finding out that the gifts inside are now for him!


The unboxing:


The interior of the box. A couple wrapped presents:


The first gift.. a HolyJuan.com refrigerator magnet


Unwrapping Gift #2


A gyroscope!


The note attached to the gyroscope:

I've wanted a gyroscope for
years and never bought one.
So I bought one and I'm
giving it to you.
no one has ever accused me
of being smart.

Opening the third gift:


Star Wars Mad Libs!


Here is the note attached to the Mad Libs:

Hello thehax0rist,
I thought you would enjoy
this Star Wars Mad-Lib.
I think this is actually
how Lucas wrote it in
the first place.

Happy Holidays!
HolyJuan

Here is Greg and my first Mad Lib together:


And while the math isn't completely right, two people were very happy with how their Reddit Secret Santa turned out.

See you next Christmas!

Hormel Pepperoni: Hot & Spicy & Smaller by Almost Half.

I love pepperoni. I usually buy Hormel, even though it can be a little more expensive. Last shopping trip, I bought 2/$6.00. In an attempt to spice things up, I purchased the Hot & Spicy flavor. From the photo below, you can see the packages are exactly the same except for where I had torn the top off the Hot & Spicy variety.

Once I got in the bag, I immediately noticed that something was not right. The bag seemed half empty. I looked at the size on the bag:

5oz (note the easy to read black on red)

I pulled the other bag out and looked at it:

8oz!

I was getting screwed out of 3oz because of flavoring? It's a different between $.60 and ounce and $.38 an ounce. I just don't get it. It would be like getting charged double for Salt and Vinegar potato chips over regular potato chips just because it is a different flavor.

The packaging is completely misleading. It's exactly the same size! I will not make the same mistake next time.

Shame on you Hormel!

Local Teacher Admonished for Crucifix in Classroom

Columbus OH (HJ) – Cassandra Schwartzinski, a second grade teacher at Elm Elementary in Worthington, Ohio, was given a formal reprimand for going against school district’s policy of displaying religious items in the class room. Schwartzinski claims that the cross had been hanging on the wall for years and no one made any comment about it.


School officials declined to comment about Schwartzinski’s recent conversion of all the classroom seats into pews or her math teachings by adding and subtracting the Ten Commandments.







photo credit: perspicacious from www.flickr.com

For Gaston

I would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Gaston.

Gaston and I are on opposite ends of the political system.

Gaston and I have different opinions about social issues.

Gaston and I have different opinions about economic issues.

Gaston and I have very little in common.

But yet, Gaston and I are friends and I think we forgive each other for our beliefs.

I will miss you, friend.

Good luck.

(Your wife is HOT!)

Raw Food Diet

(A snippet from a much larger story)

Back in 2001, when Allen and I were out in LA recording the audio for the Big Yummy, we got to know an audio engineer who was also a testicular cancer survivor. They guy swore that part of his health regimen was a raw diet. My engineering friend would sit at the board and eat 10 -12 small meals a day. It was uncooked stuff, pureed in a Cuisinart and stored in small Tupperware containers. He’d pull a container out of the refrigerator, open the lid, lick the lid, and either drink or spoon the contents into his mouth, somehow avoiding getting any in his scraggly beard. The uncooked paste was usually green or orange, but I saw a red one and hoped it was not blood.

On one occasion, he did have some solid food that looked red like beets. They were cubed and he popped them in his mouth like chocolates. I accused, “Hey, aren’t beets cooked and processed? You are cheating.”

And he followed up with, “No, this is beef.”

“Raw meat?”

“Yeah! I get it from a butcher that I trust. It’s delicious. Would you like to try some?”

I held back a weirded out spasm and I replied, “No thanks. Do you eat raw chicken?”

“No. That’s gross.”

Well, at least we got that all figured out. Another bit of information he shared was that the food he ate was so raw and easily digestible and absorbed by his body, that he rarely had bowel movements. That’s right. No poop. And then I started to think about how a once a month poop would look... like a small, really black, deflated balloon.

Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.

Signed,
HolyJuan

PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Creationists Find Missing Link; Declare Evolution Extinct

HOUSTON TX (HJ) - For years, Scientific Evolutionists and Religious Creationists have battled over whose theory/story is correct about where all living creatures on Earth came from. The scientists point to theory, fossilized evidence and actual living species that are evolving right before our eyes. The Creationists point to the Bible and the missing link.

But today the Creationists announced their solution to the whole debate. Earlier this afternoon, Texan Creationist, Mark Thomas James Ruddard announced what the Creationists finally came up with. Here is the text of his speech:

“As you know, we have fought for years and years over the basis for life on Earth. While the non-believers dug into our Earth’s 4000 year old dirt looking for bones, we looked to the heavens. While the heathens tried to say the earth was billions of years old, we looked at the fossilized remains of dinosaur feet next to human feet. The only thing these laugh-a-billies could come up with is a theory that we all started as apes and then just got the idea to all of a sudden to make airplanes and talk on phones. (Laughter) I am here to say that our scholars have figured it out. And answer to all the questions…

“In the days when Jesus rode dinosaurs, not all men were as pious and good as our Christ. In fact, these men, which we would consider today as being Stone Age Hippies, would sometimes engage in acts of lewdness with the dinosaurs. Of this unforgivable mating, a unfathomable creature emerged. The creature that your “Scientists” call Neanderthal. This creature was not of God and was shunned. Then, this Child of Hippies would have more relations with dinosaurs and those children are the apes and moneys of the world today. We also believe that the Cave Hippies spread a Stone Age type AIDS around which killed off all the dinosaurs. The end.”

Court Ordered Free WiFi to Squatter

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Abe Strawn of Columbus, Ohio thought that he was doing his neighbors a favor. Soon after he had high speed cable internet installed, he set up a wireless router and named it FREEWIFI. For the computer savvy, a wifi connection means a free connection to the internet. He kept this up for about nine months until he had his credit card compromised. “The credit card company suggested I look for ways to protect myself. One of those ways was to shut off my open wi-fi. So I did.”

That’s when his other problems started. A day later, there was a knock on his door. One of his neighbors came to ask him about the wi-fi. Abe said that most of the neighbors knew he had the free internet connection. When Mr. Strawn explained the situation, the neighbor took offense and became upset. Mr. Strawn explained, “I think the neighbor thought I was accusing him of stealing the credit card number. I wasn’t. They tracked it down to a local restaurant. But as he raged on, he just seemed pissed about the internet being disconnected.”

A week later, Abe received an order of specific performance from the Franklin County Court. The order said that he was to immediately open up his internet connection to the neighbors. When Mr. Strawn did not re-open the wifi connection within a week, he got a visit from two police officers. “When they showed up, they thought I was stealing cable. I showed them the order and explained what it was and they thought it was completely stupid. “ The police officers left without tazing anyone.

As it turns out, Ohio allows for wifi squatters to claim rights to a broadcast connection if it has been given out for free for over six months. Once a half-year has passed, there is an assumed right to internet access and the wifi provider must file for a release of service a month in advance to halt the connection.

Mr. Strawn has filed to be released, but in the meantime, he is required to continue sharing his internet connection. When he complained about security, he was told that he had to offer password access to the encrypted connection. “That’s where I got back at the only neighbor that asked for the connection. I made the connection WHOSUCKSCOCK and his password is MYMOMDOES. He has to type that in each time.”

Palin Plans Pregnancy for 2012 Presidential Run

ANCHORAGE, AK (HJ) - Sources say that Sarah Palin has a major trick up her sleeve for her 2012 Presidential run, though the sleeve isn’t exactly where this trick is up. Insiders close to Palin say that not only is she going to run in the 2012 race for President, but that she will also plan a pregnancy to coincide with the race and to have pregnancy milestones occur during key points in the process.

Our sources have confirmed that the Palin 2012 team has come up with the following “no way can we lose this one” schedule:

Conception: December 31, 2011 (some kind of tax dodge)

Announcement of Pregnancy: January 15th, 2012 (right before the first Republican primary)

First Ultrasound (BONUS: revealing of “Jesus Face Shadow” in the image): February 6th (the day before Super Tuesday)

Revelation That Doctors Say She Should Abort for Health Reasons and She Says NO!: March 15th (The middle of the Primaries)

Sex of the Child Revealed… Surprise! It’s Twins: May 8th (the last of the Republican debates and final votes needed for Primary win)

Names of the Children Released: September 11th (Naming the boy Freedom Chief and the girl Tower1 Tower2)

Blurry Photo of Palin’s Distended Belly Released: September 24th (Day before 1st Presidential Debate- debate is called off because of media hype)

Birth of the Twins: October 14th (The day of the scheduled 2nd debate – debate is called off)

Three Weeks of Seclusion: October 15th though November 4th (During this time, Palin only responds to Twitter and FOX News interviews.)

First Appearance with Children in Public: November 5th (The day before the election. She announces that one child has a Brain Cloud and the other is African American.)

When we questioned how the Palin's Election Team would hit all these milestone on the date specified, the source only offered up that many of these would be planned in advance and that the necessary arrangements would be made to induce the results needed. When asked about the rigors of pregnancy and the campaign trail, the source laughed and explained that Palin would not actually be pregnant, but rather she would have a surrogate carry the children and she would wear the appropriate costume to fake pregnancy. We questioned if Palin could actually pull off faking a pregnancy and the source smiled and said, “Yeah, she’s pretty good at it.”

PHOTO BY: Therealbs2002