Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Lewis from California
Dear Lewis from California,
You are fucked.
PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:
There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.
You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.
I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.
I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.
I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.
I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.
I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)
I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.
I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.
I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.
And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!
Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.
With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.
“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party