Erik Eats: Fish, With Smell and Little Speak

"Fresh" Fish Snack


Concern?


Mascot


Peek Inside


Treasure Flavor


Fresh Fish Snack - Fresh Fish - Fish Snack


Fresh Fish Snack Ingredients


Fish Snack Ingredients


Prepare to Eat!


Smell of Face Cramp


Expiration Date?


Keegan Smells


Erik Examines


Fish?


Eat.


Savor.


Relish.


Weep with Delight


VOTE!!!!


Next Week - Foreign dried potatoes with dried plant scrapings.

{Dedicated to Sarah. We miss you terribly.}

OHIO 5T 3UCKEYE (on Michigan Plates)



A friend of mine got this photo of two Ohio State fans with their Michigan vanity plates.

Good stuff.

A condom in my beer

Imagine finishing off a delicious, cold glass of beer...


when you notice that in the bottom of the glass there is a condom.


Yeah, it's not a condom, but it's about that size & shape with the large word Trojan. I couldn't help but think of there being one in the bottom of my drink the whole time. The advert is glued or melted on the bottom of the glass.


{UPDATE} My buddy Shorty pointed out that the bottom of the glass is actually a pig's nose, just like the pigs in the Trojan commercials. When you tip the glass back, it would look like you have a pig's nose from the front. Now that is clever!

Feazel Roofing takes the high road

Monday, June 16, 2008

To the administrator and readers of holyjuan.com and consumerist.com, and whomever else it concerns:

From our headquarters in Westerville, Feazel Roofing Company has been a leader in the roofing business in Greater Columbus for over 20 years. Great service to our clients has built this company, and keeping our entire team focused on that, everyday, will be one of the keys to our future growth and success.

Of course we provide full roof replacement services when necessary, but our company is very much focused on the service and maintenance of existing roof systems. We believe that this is a unique approach to this industry, because many contractors might try to recommend a more expensive roof replacement before it is necessary. However, we have found that with consistent maintenance and preventative care, a well-designed roof system can last much longer then expected.

In regards to the recent Blog post concerning the March 3rd direct mail marketing piece that you received, let me start by saying that I strongly agree with many of your opinions. I must admit, you’re not the only person which it upset, as I received a few other calls with the same concerns. The original marketing piece in question was designed by a 3rd party direct mail company. Fortunately, the letter was only sent as a test to a small group of individuals. While the language in this marketing piece was quite strong, the main message was supposed to be this, and these are quite verifiable facts: CertainTeed Corporation is the defendant in multiple class action lawsuits currently in process in 16 states (including Ohio), and further litigation pending in 8 other states and Canada. The lawsuits cover several different brand names of shingles manufactured since 1987, all of which have demonstrated premature curling, cracking, or de-granulation.

Here is a simple explanation of the CertainTeed Legal activity: http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com/features/certainteed-shingles.html

I paid an ad agency to write the letter because I didn’t know the best way to go about educating homeowners on this issue. Obviously, the real message got lost in “sales language” – the piece went way overboard, and I should not have allowed it. Therefore, it was my mistake, and I sincerely apologize.

We do offer free preliminary estimates for all services that our company performs, including repair and replacement. However, we also charge a $179 fee for a full roof inspection. This is a more detailed and time-consuming written report, which may include pictures of any damages found, detailed measurements and multiple courses of action to remedy any concerns. We also offer this service to business partners in the Home Inspection and Real Estate industries. Our inspection pricing is very much in line with what other companies of our size charge for this service, but we always rebate the fee if any work is found during our inspection, which we do find some about half of the time.

We were offering a discounted fee of $49 for a limited time, thinking that we could perform numerous inspections in one area, saving on gas and drive time. This aspect was my idea, not the marketing company who wrote the letter.

Everything else you stated on your original Blog Post is accurate for 99% of the cases we come across with defective shingles. 100% of the CertainTeed Horizon shingles installed were defective, and are installed on thousands of homes in Central Ohio. If your shingles are defective, your home will not collapse overnight, and more often than not, water isn’t currently entering the home. However, we have had more than a handful of cases in which water has entered walls just a few years after installation, causing mold growth and other severe interior damage.

For anyone who would happen to read this who knows that they have a CertainTeed shingle installed on their home, I suggest contacting an attorney. The law firm’s website I’ve been referring homeowners to is www.halunenlaw.com but there are numerous others working on this case which can be found if you search “CertainTeed class action” in your favorite internet browser.

I would like to close by saying again that I apologize for allowing this type of “scare tactic marketing” to be sent from my company. However, I also want to state that we will continue to educate the marketplace on this issue. The shingle manufactures don’t send out a recall letter (like you might get from an auto manufacturer). Left unaddressed, problems may arise, and in some cases the problems can become catastrophic if not found in time.



Sincerely,

Mike Feazel, President
Feazel Roofing Company, Inc.


{Author's note: I am satisfied with the response that I received from Feazel Roofing concerning an advertisement they recently sent out in the mail. I believe the letter to be sincere and consider the matter closed.

Because of the integrity they showed and the way in which our discussions concerning my issues were held, I am removing both posts because even though I might be satisfied with the reply from Feazel Roofing, the internet is not so forgiving.

I may be kicked out of the internet for these actions, but sometimes the right thing to do isn't the most popular.}


HJ

CNN: Flooding bad for country, obviously great for fishing

Run, Rabbit, Run

I ran over a baby rabbit with the lawn mower this afternoon. We noticed a nest a few weeks back and the kids have been very curious about when the bunnies will start running around the back yard. The answer to that is: today.

I was mowing the area outside the fenced-in back yard and didn’t think that any of the little furry bastards had made it that far. One did and he was really hidden because I did not notice him till he popped out from behind the push mower, upside down and franticly kicking.

I yelled. Really loud. Miss Sally came out of the house thinking I had cut off my foot.

I'd seen a nest of rabbit run over with a riding mower when I was a kid. Most had died instantly. A few with cuts all over with no chance of survival. Eyes bugging out. Blood.

This rabbit had righted himself and was sitting, balled up and very still. I picked him up by the scruff and there was blood on his fur in back. I couldn’t tell if the blood was on his leg or if the blood was on where his leg used to be. I carried him into the fenced in back yard and put him by the nest so that he could be close to home when he died.

Because I am a big softy, I became distraught. I started to reflect upon life and that it’s been a year since I gave a futile dose of CPR to my dying/dead neighbor. He had been mowing his lawn that day. I thought about how life can end in the split second it takes for a mower blade to spin around or in the agonizing ten minutes it takes to die, waiting for someone to give you CPR.

And then I checked my mower manual and found the problem.


I had the throttle on the wrong setting! I changed the lever off the dead rabbit position and continued to mow the lawn.

A few minutes ago I checked the nest and the rabbit was gone. I looked over the yard and over by the swing set, the mama rabbit stared at me. In a flash she darted off… and left behind was the injured rabbit. He hopped a few times and hid in the shade.

I left the yard and went inside. From the kitchen window I could see them back at the nest. Mama keeping watch and Limpy following behind. I hope I see him hopping tomorrow.

Simplicity

Sometimes a really good interactive is a very simple one.


I love this horse because it is life sized, realistic, in a quaintly themed area with a really good opportunity to fall off and hurt yourself. My instincts would be to surround this thing with fencing and padding and to have it staffed with eight team members and a mop made of band-aids.

You'll find this horse at the Discovery Gateway Children's Museum in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Damn I've got a Big Head.

Phoenix Probe reveals more Ice on planet surface



The ice is described as: weak, watered down, washed-up, and though mocha in appearance- vanilla in flavor.

The Hot Damn - CD Release Concert

I went to The Hot Damn release concert/party at The House of Crave this past Friday. I wasn’t expecting a whole lot seeing as I’ve got a mean case of Columbus-Doubt when it comes to music.


What a great show!! (I’d drop in a descriptive expletive, but my nephew has been reading the site and saying that the show fucking rocked would really put his mom off.)

I love Matt’s vocals and his guitar is achingly fluid. Ash sounded great once her vocals were turned up. She’s got a matter of fact sound that I dig and her back-ups echo around my brainstem. Casey is on the peripheral, but hovers into the center of the stage quite nicely. Bobby plays the drums with the savage accuracy of a lucid, pubescent gorilla.


Acton ponied up five bucks to buy me a CD cause I spent all my cash on beer and a picture at the YO! Photo $10.00.


We’ve been spending the past two days talking about the album. No album is perfect, but this CD does a pretty good job of knocking out five really great songs with a side of decent tunes. Here’s my take on the songs I really found awesome (in order from the CD):

We Call This a Cycle – Best song on the album. Catchy, like Swedish fish dipped in honey and thrown against a frozen sheet of raspberry sorbet.

Left Hand, Right Hand – I’m a sucker for any song where there is a form of “La la” in the lyrics.

Arm’s Length – I’ve been dumped before. This song is my “F-you” to you ex-girlfriend. Great lyrics and guitar.

Birds & Bees – Very Breeders-esque. Ash does a really nice job here.

The Battle of You vs. Me – Reminds me of the Lightning Seeds without the whiny, caramel corn lyrics.

I had to shake some of the crappy songs off my iPod, but I made room for this album.


Someday when I am a real critic, I’ll come back and give these guys the review they deserve. Until then, check out the streaming album with optional option to purchase at Merit Badge Records.

The Hot Damn
Ashleigh Wells- Guitar, Keys, vocals
Matt Smith- Guitar, Keys, vocals
Casey Warner- Bass, vocals
Bobby Heigel- Drums, no vocals

Last Sharper Image Store Closing

sharper-image4

Free to HolyJuan fans! The Power of Soup

Two years ago, I thought that I should write a children’s book, get published and make a shitload of money. So I got together with my illustrator friend Meshell and she showed me her portfolio for inspiration. In her large collection of drawings was an illustration that caught my eye. A woman with a large spoon tucked in her apron. She hugged a large bowl of soup with the words, “Get well soon” floating on the surface.


So I wrote a story based on that illustration called, “The Power of Soup.” My biggest critic, Miss Sally, liked it. I shared it with Meshell and she liked it and said that, if I asked her nicely, she would illustrate the rest of it. I said I would give her the first opportunity, once I secured a publisher.

Together, Meshell and I bought “How to Get Published” books and I sent my properly formatted copies of “The Power of Soup” out to several publishers. I even bought the website, www.thepowerofsoup.com, just to be sure.

Six rejection form letters later, I’m done with the half-dream. Instead, let me share it with you, the people who care for and love me.

So here, my friends, is my story, The Power of Soup. See if you tear up when you read it, like I did when I wrote it.

The Power of Soup

In a very small house with two very small windows, lived a woman. She lived alone, but she was never lonely.

If you were to look through the very small windows, you would see a very small bed, a very small chair, a very small table, a very small lamp, a very small painting and a very big stove.

The woman loved to cook. She had a very big kettle to sit on the very big stove. She had a very big spoon to stir whatever was in the very big kettle. The woman could cook about anything, but she especially loved to cook soup.

Pea soup, bean soup, potato soup, vegetable soup, rhubarb and turnip soup, dandelion soup, and her very special soup which she called Soup Soup.

People would come from the villages near and far to the woman’s house and bring whatever ingredients they had so that she could make her delicious soup for them.

Miss Dryer came to the woman’s door, “I have carrots.”

“Then we will make carrot soup.”

Mr. Hearty came to the door. “I have potatoes.”

“Then we will make potato soup.”

The Simon twins came to the door, “We have turnips and leeks.”

“Then we will make turnip and leek soup.”

Somehow, though only one or two ingredients were added, the woman was able to stir and stir and stir and stir and soon that one ingredient would taste like many!

Everyone loved the woman’s soup.

One day, a little dark haired girl with sad eyes came to the woman’s door. She wore handmade clothes that were more patches than cloth.

“Can you please make me some soup?”

“What have you brought with you to make the soup?” asked the woman, knowing the answer.

“I have nothing. My mother is sick and father is away in the city. I have nothing to make soup.”

The woman said, “Come inside. I think you have something to add to the soup.”

The woman added water to the very large kettle. She lit the very big stove and began to stir.

“Now, little girl, you have nothing in your hands and you have nothing in your pockets, but you have something in your heart. All you need is to speak to the soup and tell it what your heart is saying.”

The little girl stood on a little chair and was just able to look over the edge of the kettle.

She spoke in but a whisper, “I love you Mommy. Get well soon.”

The woman then began to stir and stir and stir and stir.

And as she stirred and stirred the soup began to churn and bubble. Broth began to form and carrots and peas and beans and leeks and hundreds of herbs and vegetables and flavors mixed and melded in the pot. With a final stir, letters formed of pasta bubbled to the surface.

First…

“I love you Mommy.”

…and they sank. Then…

“Get well soon.”

As the sun began to dip in the afternoon and create its own colorful soup in the sky, shadows of a smaller person and a bigger person together carried a very big kettle towards the village.

The next morning, the woman arrived back to her very small house with two very small windows. She carried with her a much emptier pot, a small bouquet of flowers and a very big smile.

As she walked in the door she said to herself, "I think I'll make some soup today."

Greg and Dad: Red Car

Three Weeks

Happy Birthday Daddy

Greg made me a birthday card last week.

The top picture is a Star Wars guy and the bottom one is Aang from The Avatar (an animated series on Nickelodeon.)

We sometimes talk about which characters we would like to be in real life (I always say King Boomy.) I like that Greg always changes his mind from one character to the next.

What's really great is that Greg realizes that Star Wars and Avatar are the really important things in life.

NASA's Mars Phoenix Lander finds signs of past civilization

The NASA's Mars Phoenix Lander made a safe touchdown on the surface of Mars yesterday and started sending back photos soon after. I wanted to be the first scientist* to examine the photo for signs of alien life.

Here is the landscape:


NASA/JPL-Caltech/University of Arizona

And here is an untouched photo with high resolution zoom-ins on the found objects.


These photos show us that Martians:
a: collected water
b: valued public television
c: used the Imperial System of Units to measure Bigfoot tracks


*Took Chemistry in HS

Dave Amadio - Saving Rome

Dave Amadio has just released his newest album "Saving Rome." You can check out his MySpace page, listen to some of the tracks off the new album and see all the hot chicks that worship him.

Here's the video to "Holiday" from YouTube.



I'm not usually one to swoon, but Dave is very hot and I am dumping Miss Sally to follow him on tour. At worst, I'll get the leftovers from the trail of broken hearts he leaves around the country. At best, maybe he'll let me iron his t-shirts and allow me pick out my favorite pair of jeans that he will wear on stage and sweat into.

Screw you, Steven Spielberg

{Editor's Note: Spoilers ahead. Even though they are transparent in the script, I do talk about them. You have two choices: don't see the movie or don't see the movie.)

I just got home from watching a two hour train wreck of a movie called “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”

I went in with low expectations, just so that I could leave with a little bit of happiness. I set my low expectations way too high.

I almost walked out. Twice. But I had to wait and see if this malignant tumor of a film might suddenly go into remission. Instead it metastasized and the projector in the next theater over melted.

The level of disbelief suspension necessary to even begin to digest this film is incalculable. From the four minute mark in, the movie is virtually unwatchable. The script is forced. The plot was as transparent as the crystal alien skull. Every other Indy line tries to be funny and clever, but falls flat. Oh yeah, there is no kingdom.

The worst part about all this is that I am being forced to remember the film so that I can write about it. Instead, I am going to stop writing about it here and drop a few f-bombs:

Spielberg – you f'ing suck
Screenwriter Koepp – f-you, dick
Lucas- I’m not sure what you had to do with this film, but f-you, too.

I will end with this- As the credits began to roll, Chris, John and I had these comments to each other:

"To show the blooper reel at the end of the film, all they would need to do is show the film again."

"Aliens, why’d it have to be aliens."

"It was so bad that my popcorn oil curdled half way through the film."

"I saw “Alan Smithee” in the credits 47 times."

"The script was so bad that Sean Connery turned it down to do a remake of Highlander 2."

"At least they were able to reuse the models from Independence Day."

"This movie made “Temple of Doom” look like Schindler's List."

The Hot Damn - CD release

I'm no critic, though I can tell you more things I hate more than the things I like.

For example:
I hate most people.
I hate people who don't know how to check out at the grocery store self-checkout
I hate Highlander 2.
I hate that they are going to re-make the original Highlander.

I like the band The Hot Damn


The Hot Damn are having a CD release party, Friday May 30th, at The House of Crave with a couple other bands. It's $5 to get in.

What I would like you to think of this as is a Meet HolyJuan event with music by The Hot Damn. I will be giving out personalized business cards with specks of free DNA. Cute girls can request additional DNA.

I'll be wearing a Homestar Runner t-shirt. See you there.

The Line-up:
Exceptional Edward
This is my Suitcase
The Hot Damn
Yummy Fight

Release on Merit Badge Records

A question for Senator Clinton

Will somebody please pose this question to Senator Clinton: In the general election versus McCain, if she were to win more Electoral College votes, but McCain were to win more popular votes, would she hand over the Presidency to McCain?

I believe that it is Senator Clinton's right to continue campaigning through the end of the process. I think it is in her best interest to do so to gain something from her failed campaign, though to save face she is beating down the Democratic Party.

But what I cannot stand is the constant change in her campaign's logic as to what constitutes a "win" as if changing the parameters will somehow gain her the nomination. Her most recent argument is for popular vote. It is possible that if all the votes from Florida and Michigan are counted and if some screwy method of figuring out how many caucus votes were cast are tabulated, that Clinton could end this process with more popular votes than Obama.

Again I pose the question: If towards the end of the General Election Hillary has more Electoral College votes, but McCain has more popular votes (just like Bush/Gore in 2000,) would Clinton be okey-dokey with changing the pre-existing rules of the election so that the people's voice could be heard and counted and thus hand the Presidency over to McCain?

According to her logic, yes. And I think that is just mind numbingly idiotic.

Hillary needs $5... make that $10 or $4600

I was clicking through CNN and thought it was funny that there was a "Contribute $5 to Hillary" advertisement next to a story about Obama.




So I clicked the link and the Clinton page came up so that I could donate my hard working, white man dollars, but...


$5 is nowhere to be seen.


I see $10 and I see $4600, but $5 just ain't gonna cut it anymore!

From what I read, she'll need to trick an additional 2 million people into giving $10 or 4348 people into giving $4600 just to break even on her campaign debt. Good luck!

English words that cannot be translated into another language

I just finished watching a film where the cool, foreign guy causes the American chick to swoon simply by dropping a few words on her that cannot be translated into English. I then thought to myself, on my next trip overseas, what words can I use to charm the armpit-haired girls to get them in the sack?

Behold, a list of English words and phrases that have no translation overseas or in French Canada.

Misunderestimate
Thank goodness for the previous administration’s eight years of adding seemingly American words to our dialect. I dare you to find “decider” in a French dictionary or the Hungarian word for “strategery.” Many a Mexican immigrant has gotten into fist fights with their second language teacher over the pronunciation of "nucular" that they heard on the televisión.

Blow Job
Sure, there are translations in every language for the greatest gift a woman can give a man, but nothing literal; after all, only Americans would say “blow” when they really mean "suck" and “job” when they mean “can I have this one for free?”

Pillow Talk
In France, guys leave after sex. In Slovakia, they pull up their britches and head outside to trim the hedge. Only in America will you find guys chit-chatting after sex. The funny part is trying to translate this concept into a foreign language: “The after-sex speak, during which time the man lies about love, and the woman lies about orgasm.”

Tidal Wave
I’ve run into way too many high-and-mighty people who frown upon the American word “Tidal Wave.” When Indonesia was decimated a few years back, I was chastised for saying “tidal wave.” When a high-and-mighty says, “A Tsunami struck!” ask them, “What is a tsunami?” and watch as they look around before whispering, “A tsunami is a tidal wave.”

Taint
No one but Americans would have a name for the area of the body that ain’t the balls and ain’t the ass.

Chode
No one, save the Americans, would have a second word for the word taint.

Redneck
Other countries are small, and so they can only make fun of other countries. The United States is too damn big, and we like to pick on the people in our sister states, or, as it were with this definition, our sister and wife states.

Pocketbook
Just what the hell is a pocketbook? You’ll never know if you speak another language. Turns out it’s a satchel for carrying around your most important woman stuff. It’s not a book and it’s not small enough to fit into anyone’s pocket. In other languages you can roughly translate it to, “Over the shoulder satchel used to hide everything you want, but nothing you need.”

Pocket Pussy
Staying with the theme, here… Have you ever seen one of these cure-alls for the lonely man? Well, it doesn’t look like pocket, it won’t fit in a pocket and it certainly won’t hold your car keys. As for the pussy… I’m not sure. If this were to translate literally, you’d have a wave of Japanese men ordering “dirtied” Levis off the internet and then banging them. Oh, I guess we already do.

Bush OKs waterboarding because he once heard drowning was a peaceful way to die.

By - PAUL LOY, Press Writer

WASHINGTON DC - President Bush feels no remorse for waterboarding techniques used on detainees because he remembers hearing once that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die.

“I heard (drowning) is a lot like going to sleep and if there’s one thing these terrorist don’t need to be doing, it’s sleeping… which is why I also authorized sleep deprivation techniques.” When asked about the cruelty behind the simulated drowning, Bush brushed it off suggesting that “it is like an extended Baptism and these al Qaeda could use it.”

ABC News' Chief White House correspondent
Martha Raddatz interviews President Bush
for an exclusive ABC News report. (ABC News)


The high-level discussions about [the torture techniques] were so detailed, these sources said, some of the interrogation sessions were almost choreographed — down to the number of times CIA agents could use a specific tactic. At one point, Condi pulled out a whiteboard and started to draw diagrams of the torture techniques. One thing lead to another and by midnight, we were playing a spirited game of Pictionary. Cheney won with the word, “coagulate.”

These top advisers signed off on how the CIA would interrogate top al Qaeda suspects — whether they would be slapped, pushed, deprived of sleep or subjected to simulated drowning, called waterboarding, sources told ABC news. Bush suggested that they be “grounded” from television, but his aids reminded him that al Qaeda really didn't have television. The President joked, “Well, they’ve got one positive thing going for them.”

A windy night in Denver



We did a high ropes course today and I am remembering the days when I could hold on to a post in gale force winds with no physical repercussions. I think I will be sleeping soundly tonight.

RIP Broccoli – 10/06 – 5/08

Broccoli died today. He was 1.5 years old, which in goldfish years is about 38.

Greg won him at the Fairfield County Fair in October of 2006. The game consists of me buying ten dollars worth of ping pong balls and Greg trying to throw them into small fishbowls of water. He made one in at the two dollar mark and my biggest fear was that he would make another one or more. Luckily he only made the one and the carney dipped a random, non-floating goldfish out of the fish vat and put him lovingly into a plastic bag. As we walked to the car, me holding the plastic bag with him wanting to, I asked Greg what he wanted to name his new pet. Without much hesitation, he said, “Broccoli.” I made mention and repeated several times that goldfish get sick and die. Greg seemed to not care.

My old boss Orlando suggested I buy the SpongeBob SquarePants all-in-one tank. It came with everything a fish that was only going to live a month needed: Tank, air bubbler, tiny white rocks, and SpongeBob character to stick in the tank as your fish would need a friend to console it during its short life.

About six amazing months into his life, Broccoli began to act funny. He’d spin. All the time. Most of the time he would spin with his nose pointed at the tiny white rocks in the bottom of the tank. When we would feed him, he’d spin up to the surface and spend hours trying to get the food to go in his mouth. The internet said it was a parasite that fish get and there was no cure. I let him spin for about two days, hoping he would work it out. I told Miss Sally that I would give it one more day before sending Broccoli to the porcelain purgatory.

The next day, he was fine. No spinning. For weeks, I would quietly ask Sally if she replaced the sick Broccoli with a new Broccoli. She denied it. I believe her. Mostly.

A year after Broccoli became a member of our family, Greg and I went back to the Fairfield County Fair and we won another goldfish. This time I only bought two dollars worth of balls and Greg’s aim was still the same. As we walked to the car, he holding the plastic bag with me wanting to, I asked Greg what he wanted to name his new pet. Without much hesitation, he said, “Broccoli.” “But you all ready have a fish named Broccoli.” He shrugged. I made mention and repeated several times that goldfish get sick and die. Greg seemed to not care.

I made a point to not differentiate between the two Broccolis. I’d comment, “Broccoli is getting bigger!” or “I like Broccoli better.” Greg would answer whichever way he’d see fit.

Today, Broccoli was hovering sideways in the middle of the tank. I tried to resuscitate him by pushing him around in a bowl of water, forcing water through his gills. He was gone.

I called Sally and asked her what her opinion was on sharing the death of Broccoli with Greg. She said I should and we should flush him together. I called Greg in from the outside.

“Greg, remember how I told you that fish get sick and die?”

“Is Broccoli dead?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. He was a good fish.”

“Let me see.”

I held him up to the bowl I tried to resuscitate him in.

Greg said, “He’s not bones.”

I tried not to laugh, “Over time he would turn into bones, but not for a while.”

I said we had to flush him and we took him to the toilet. Luckily Miss Sally had just cleaned the bathroom or I would have felt a little guilty throwing him in a five year old’s pee shrouded toilet. We dropped him in and I said a few words about what a good fish he was. Greg flushed.

Broccoli’s limp body somehow fought the current and would not go down at first. In the end, he disappeared. After the waters calmed, Broccoli, the fighter that he was, stuck his head back up from the pipe and with his dead eye looked at us as if to say, “Is that all you got.”

I, of course, said this out loud and Greg and I laughed, making up new lines, mimicking Broccoli. “You can’t flush me suckas!” Greg’s was, “I’m swimming in the toilet,” which he thought was pretty funny.

The tank re-filled and Greg flushed again.

Broccoli swims alone in his tank in Greg’s room. I reminded him to only put in half the food he did the night before.

Weight Loss Could Save Billions And Lower Gas Prices

ATHENS, OH - Researchers at Russ College of Engineering and Technology at Ohio University have calculated that if every adult in the United States lost fifteen pounds, the savings to the economy in gasoline alone would amount to three billion dollars over the next year.
Cascading savings from the weight loss would also include fuel savings on fewer shipments of food, reduction in health care costs, as well as a reduction in gasoline demand which in turn would cause an overall drop in gas prices of approximately eight cents per gallon.

Roger Good, PhD, is the lead researcher on the project. “We Americans are hauling around a lot of extra weight. Getting rid of fifteen pounds of it will save fuel and, in turn, lower fuel costs.”

But wouldn’t the loss of consumption hurt the economy? No f’ing way says enthusiastic Ralph Connor, graduate student, “The need for more nutritious foods would replace the monetary loss from the quantity of fatty foods. Maybe the Ho-Ho people will come out with a soy version of the treat!”

Other areas of the economy would see a positive spin from the weigh loss. “You would also see a spike in the retail industry as smaller Americas seek out new clothes,” smiled Dr. Good. "Indeed, our research shows that the only business segment detrimented [sic] by a slimmer, trimmer America would be the health club / fitness industry. But really, with revolutionary home fitness solutions like Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo, Bowflex and the Hawaii Chair, traveling to gymnasiums is an idea whose time has come and gone, which ultimately contributes to further decreases in fuel consumption. It's a snowball effect."

Though the researchers do not think everyone has the willpower to stay on a diet, they believe that liposuction could be utilized to remove fat from people who are unwilling to voluntarily go on a diet. “We are working with Pacific Natural Energy (PNE) to see if we can actually turn human fat into biofuel with a device called ‘the FatBox.’” Plans are in the works for mobile liposuction labs called “Suck Trucks” which will be powered by the human bio-diesel. Connor whispers, “Some of these patients [hand gestures indicating a fatty] could power the Suck Truck for a week.”

Kate's Arm



My niece broke her arm, just like her Uncle Doug did when I was her age. I jumped off a swing and landed on my left arm. She was using a stool/chair as a ladder combination and lost her balance which took out her right arm.

I broke my left arm again my Junior year in football practice. After it healed up, and it came up in discussions, I would tell people how I broke the same arm twice and how you could feel the two sets of raised areas where the bones were mended. Now that I think about it, I'd also show people how my arm was bent funny because it didn't heal exactly right the first time when I was a kid.

My Junior Year broken arm cast was a full cast all the way up to the shoulder. After a few weeks, it was removed (those things get stinky) and a forearm cast replaced it. Because my arm had been stuck in that bent position, it wouldn't straighten out. The doctor said that was normal and that in a week or two it would start to work itself out. I'm sure I was supposed to follow some rehabilitation schedule.

Later that night, I was in a graveyard with two friends egging cars. We thought the eight foot fence would keep any of the drivers from coming after us, but we were wrong. When we climbed into the graveyard, it took me about five minutes to get over the fence with that cast on and my arm not bending. As we raced through the headstones with two guys starting to chase us, I didn't think about my arm and we all scrambled over the fence in about two seconds.

At the rendezvous point we were all out of breath from running and laughing. With my hands on my knees, I noticed that my left arm was stretched out straight. Who needs rehabilitation!

About two years ago I was home looking through some family photos and saw a photo of a six year old me with my cast... on my right arm.

Memory is a funny thing.

Is it gay if…

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Doug the Bum


Doug the Bum, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Practicing for my 50's. Or late 40's.

Torture by the Inch

My "good friends" kidnapped my tape measure and insisted I pay a ransom to get it back. As I am not one to play by the rules of terrorists, I said no. Then I began to receive photos of my tape measure being tortured by other tape measures.










Bastards. I'll convert to metric before I let the terrorists win.

(Is that one tape measure dressed up like Mr. T?)

0.025 Gallon Gas Reciept

At the end of last month, I stopped to get Kroger gas after shopping at the local Kroger store. They suckered me in with the Kroger Card and points and the hope of someday getting a $5 gift certificate after spending $1000 at their store.

When I pulled up to the pumps, another person was getting back in their car and circling around to another pump. I assumed it was because they pulled up on the wrong side of their car.

I scanned my Kroger Card, slid my credit card through the reader and waited to be deemed worthy. I was told to select my grade of fuel and begin pumping.

When I pulled the handle, I got an immediate, unsatisfying clunk of nothingness and the handle going slack. I adjusted the handle angle and tried again. I thrust the pump phallus in and out of my car's wanting fuel hole to no avail. At that moment, the other car person was doing the same thing I was and then realized that the pumps were all malfunctioning and that I wouldn't be getting gas at Kroger's that night.

When I reinserted the nozzle back into the pump, I noticed that the digital readout suggested that "some" gas had made it into my tank. 0.025 of a gallon to be specific. That of course is complete BS as the pump didn't even kick on and that tiny amount of gas would have evaporated before it reached the end of the nozzle.

Now, how much does twenty five thousandths of a gallon of gasoline cost at $3.449 per gallon? Nine fucking cents.



What's really great is that because I used my Kroger Card, I saved .00075 cents!

And what's really sad is that $3.449 for gas would be a steal today.

Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it

Dear HolyJuan,

My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.

Signed,
Fake Name


Dear Fake Name,

I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.

Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.

One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.

Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.

Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.

Take care,

HJ

PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.

Lia is a Guest DJ on CD 101

My muse and good friend Lia is going to be a Guest DJ on CD101 tomorrow, Monday May 12, from 1:00pm – 2:00pm. I highly suggest you check her out as Lia is known for her excellent taste in alternative music. When we meet for drinks, she’ll always pick a bar with a great jukebox. While I shove in my dollar and pick “Pour Some Sugar On Me” she’ll scour the flippy CD covers, squeezing out the best the jukebox has to offer.

Click HERE to listen live to CD101. It’s a great alternative radio station and locally owned so you don’t have to deal with the Clear Channel bullshit.

Go Lia!!

I am from Columbus

Don’t do it. You always do. I did too, but as of today, I am quitting.

Columbus is a big boy now. Bigger and better than Cleveland or Cincinnati (no offense.) Our pro teams might suck and we all might be a little over the top for Ohio State, but Columbus has a lot of character and we’ve made a name for ourselves as a growing technology Mecca. We’ve got awesome restaurants, an interesting art community, fantastic museums and CD 101, one of the best radio stations in the country.

So why is it that most of you (including me) feel like you have to say Ohio right after you say Columbus? No one says Los Angeles, California unless they are the governor of said state or New York, New York unless they are singing. Columbus is a city unto itself and needs no additional explanation. If you are from Springfield, you might want to tack on an OH afterward. If you are from Lancaster, you’ll get blank stares until you elaborate with the state. By my count, there are 18 other Columbuses in the United States and none of them even come close to being as profound as Columbus.

From this point on, Columbus is Columbus. If the person you are speaking with asks “which Columbus?” you should curtly reply with one of the following suggested phrases:

- Is there another Columbus?
- You are kidding, right?
- Don’t even say you think I’m talking about Columbus, New Jersey
- Christopher Columbus, jerky
- (stare at them until they walk away or if it is over the phone, let out an extended “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh,” until they hang up)

The only way this will work is if we all stand up and make our voices (or lack of voice) be heard (or not heard when choosing not to say Ohio.) Where are you from? Columbus!

I am from Columbus. And now, so are you.