Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts

Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe

ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.

Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”

The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.

Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”

Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”

GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch

COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”

Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.

Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”

Sarah Palin chooses “Joe the Plumber” as her Vice Vice President

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (HJN) – In an unprecedented turn of events, Governor Sarah Palin has announced that “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher will be running as her Vice Vice President in the 2008 Election. The announcement came shortly after her three hour deposition to the state Personnel Board, which is looking into whether she unfairly fired Alaska's public safety director this summer.

Surrounded by her family and the Wurzelbacher family, Governor Palin made the announcement at a planned, impromptu press conference, “I think that any true American would be just as proud as all get out to have “Joe the Plumber” as their Vice Vice President."

When questioned about the role of the Vice Vice President, Governor Palin was keen to reply, “Cleaning up Washington is gonna take a lot of work and elbow grease. While John is off killing the terrorists and while I am running the Senate and the House, and my VVP “Joe the Plumber” will be in DC, unclogging the pipes of democracy.”

A press release later announced in detail some more of his official roles:
Captain of the Post Office
Leader of Highway Making
National Park Lumberjack Boss
Coast Guard Person Man
Todd Palin #1 Drinking Buddy East of the Mississippi

“Joe The Plumber” was a bit taken back by all the attention, “It all happened kind of fast. I was working on my 03’ taxes when a bunch of really nice guys in suits came in and asked me sports trivia questions for about an hour. Sarah said it sounded rough and that her vetting only lasted half as long.”

Directly after the press conference, Governor Palin was overheard discussing the Vice Vice President position with a reporter who was questioning the validity of a Vice President creating the role of Vice Vice President. She happily replied, “Listen silly goose, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past eight years, it’s that the Vice President can pretty much do what ever they want.”

Another wonderful bumper sticker from a McCain supporter

I couldn't believe this bumper sticker when I saw it. I was hoping that I was misreading it somehow.

I wasn't.

That photo kinda looked photoshoppy so here is another shot of it. (Click to enlarge.)

Greg and Dad - The Debate

(I have to assume that McCain is the one with four light sabers (a la General Grievous.)

Republican National Committee Preempts God and Puts Palin at Top of Ticket

WASHINGTON DC – In another unpredictable and bold move, the Republican National Comittee has decided to shift Sarah Palin up as the nominee for President and move John McCain down into the Vice President slot. RNC representative Chris Sarver was gleeful about the change, “Sarah Palin has fully demonstrated that she can take on the role of President. Her numbers are way up so we decided to do what is in the best interest for the country.”

“John McCain is in pretty good shape for a 72 year old man, but when you stick Palin and McCain on the stage together, he starts to look feeble and sickly. Not even the weekly embryonic stem cells injections are helping.” When asked about McCain’s health, Sarver claimed, “The shock of actually winning this election will probably kill McCain. We never thought we would actually win, but now that we have a strong chance, we are taking preemptive action. Basically, we are cutting out the middle man.”

When questioned about the legality of the move, party officials stated that, “The RNC’s Executive Committee can determine if a nominee is fit to take on a Presidential or Vice Presidential Role. It is in our Party’s best interest to win this election and we think that Palin can do it! And on top of that she has assured us this is God's will."

On a final note, Mr. Sarver added, "Did I mention she’s so goddamn charismatic?”

We sent an e-mail to John McCain for comment, but he was unable to answer.

Who will McCain choose once Palin drops off the ticket?

I do not want to debate whether or not Governor Palin is going to drop off McCain’s ticket as Vice President… that is pretty much a given. As a matter of fact, I think McCain’s consultants preparing for it and are going to try to spin it for more media cycles.

But who will McCain pick next? He's got to out do himself again. Let’s look at the possibilities:

1. Hillary Clinton

-18 Million votes guaranteed!
-she will unleash pent up vitriolic rage against Obama

-raving lunatic PUMAs and Clintonistas will simultaneously explode causing big mess
-might end up President if McCain dies
-Christian Conservatives would get caught in an infinite prayer feedback loop of praying to win and praying to lose.

2. Heath Ledger

-major Superstar
-wide appeal
-won’t say anything stupid
-cool accent

-even dead, can’t make McCain look younger or better
-Christian Conservatives don’t like guys that have sex with guys, even if it was just in a movie

3. Inanimate Carbon Rod

-Older than McCain thus making him look younger
-Inanimate, which means it can’t fuck up
-TV star (young kids love it)
-easy to vet

-Rod is a gay name
-Christian Conservatives don’t like the periodic table

4. Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuit

-If you can’t get Hillary, it’s the next best thing
-won’t cry or eat your soul
-wash and wear

-Remnants of Bill on the back
-Christian Conservatives don’t like female pants. It’s the devil’s stitchery.

5. The Statue of Liberty

-100% American (Although the French thing will come out later in the media.)
-Older than McCain but still slightly hot
-Good with dates, reads books, likes foreigners, knows her place and has a huge ass torch

-Freakishly tall
-small boobs
Christian Conservatives don’t like unmarried women with careers

Analysts Predict $100 Drop in Oil Price with Obama Election Win

ATHENS, OH – Researchers at The Ohio University School of Foreign Economics and Petroleum Studies have predicted a major drop in oil prices with the election of Senator Barack Obama as President of the United States. Statistics were gathered from six months of intensive economic and socioeconomic studies.

Professor Martin Lynn, PhD in Economics simply stated that, “Obama has a lovely skin tone very similar to the glistening color of oil. He puts oil rich nations at ease with his beautiful, sweet crude skin.”

Skeptical, we also spoke with Dr. Knikitat Ohsruhu who had a complementary explanation, “Our trends show that with current conditions bent to conform to the existing oil markets, prices should begin reducing 25% in the fourth quarter with a drastic total drop of at least $100 in the second quarter of 2009, as long as he doesn’t get ashy under all this election stress.”

Other actions by the Obama Administration could prove effective in reducing the demand for oil. Barack pledged to a group of teachers and construction workers in Bellevue, WA this week that he would begin petroleum based hair product embargo. This embargo would require many in the African American community to go without several different types of hair products. Our in-house illustrator has created a digital representation of Barack Obama’s personal sacrifice if this embargo is successful.

Professor Martin Lynn, PhD summed it up best, “McCain’s got that blotchy, pale ass skin. That’s the skin of pestilence and death. No one trusts a white dude with skin like that.”

A question for Senator Clinton

Will somebody please pose this question to Senator Clinton: In the general election versus McCain, if she were to win more Electoral College votes, but McCain were to win more popular votes, would she hand over the Presidency to McCain?

I believe that it is Senator Clinton's right to continue campaigning through the end of the process. I think it is in her best interest to do so to gain something from her failed campaign, though to save face she is beating down the Democratic Party.

But what I cannot stand is the constant change in her campaign's logic as to what constitutes a "win" as if changing the parameters will somehow gain her the nomination. Her most recent argument is for popular vote. It is possible that if all the votes from Florida and Michigan are counted and if some screwy method of figuring out how many caucus votes were cast are tabulated, that Clinton could end this process with more popular votes than Obama.

Again I pose the question: If towards the end of the General Election Hillary has more Electoral College votes, but McCain has more popular votes (just like Bush/Gore in 2000,) would Clinton be okey-dokey with changing the pre-existing rules of the election so that the people's voice could be heard and counted and thus hand the Presidency over to McCain?

According to her logic, yes. And I think that is just mind numbingly idiotic.