Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?

Dear HolyJuan,

My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.

My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.

Senior Blanco

Dear Sr. Blanco,

Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.

I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.

What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.

This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.



PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)


Kris said...

Dear HolyJuan,

Sometimes when my best friend and I are beating each other senseless, we can't decide who is tougher: me or him. While breaking some of his ribs with my elbow, I sometimes assert my opinion that I am obviously way tougher than he; but then (as he is often prone to do), he grabs my ankle, throws me to the floor and stomps on my face until my nose is the wrong shape - all the time asserting, in between grunts, that it is actually he who is the tougher one.

Over the past 23 years that we have known one another, we have both beaten each other so senseless that we are now left with such little sense (and indeed so few senses) that neither of us are able to win the argument of who is tougher.

How can we decide who is tougher? Is there a way? Alternatively, can you decide for us?

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.


HolyJuan said...

Try Jesus.

Gaston said...

HolyJuan, you’re a big time asshole! I can’t believe you called me out and questioned my manhood like that. It was dirty! I’m all man damnit! I’ll have you know my friend and I were getting our hair done at SportClips when this subject came up. What manlier place is there to have your hair styled? They have SPORTS there!!! The argument arose between the precision haircut and massaging shampoo. When it came time for the scalp massage and steamed towel treatment to keep my skin soft I was incensed. The only thing that saved me from beating down my friend was the relaxing neck and shoulder massage and complimentary eyebrow manscaping.

Your comments made me so angry last night I had to go home and throw in some fired up angry music, the Indigo Girls. Those ladies are tough! It’s really not cool making fun of people like that, I was so mad I barely touched the soup and salad I ordered from Panera for dinner.

Thanks for noting HolyJuan, you’re a big jerk!

Mr. Blanco

HolyJuan said...

My apologies! Your manliness oozes from you like lotion from a bottle of Skin So Soft that was run over by a Humvee with flames painted on it.

Gaston said...

Humvee? Real men are more environmentally friendly! Me, I drive a Prius during the week have a sweet Miata for my weekend trips through the southern Ohio wine country.

- Blanco

Holland Rhodes said...

as many as and entire pack, eh?

HolyJuan said...

Good grief. 4th grade grammar all over again.