Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts

Man planning to go back in time to keep Obama from winning election

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Rex Mullins is in his garage, wedged under a large, egg shaped metal contraption, tracing wires and looking for the short that was created during the last test run. “Got it!” He asks me to hand him a red spool of wire and some wire cutters. He remarks, “This will be so much easier for the past me to build this once I hand myself the instructions six years ago!”

Rex is building a time machine. His time travel plan is so off base that I am going to have him say it in his own words. “I plan on going back in time to kill Karl Rove so that John Kerry will win the 2004 Presidential election which will then, in turn, keep Obama from running and thus winning the 2008 Presidential election.” Rex elaborates, “Without Rove, Bush didn’t have a chance of winning. Rove masterminded the election turn around. He messed with the public polling. Heck, I think he rigged half the voting machines in Ohio. Without him, Bush won’t win in 2004 and Obama won’t run in 2008. Pretty ingenious if you ask me.”

We headed back inside Rex’s modest home while he took a break from building. He looked around the kitchen and said, “I like this place, but while I’m back in time I’m going to move my investments around. Dump them right before the bottom falls out. Once I get back to 2009, I’ll buy up a foreclosed mansion.”

Rex’s plan was hatched a few weeks ago when he happened to catch the first half of Back to the Future 3 right after watching an episode of Dr. Who. “Then it hit me. Get Kerry to win and no Obama.” Rex said he knew Kerry couldn’t win on his own, so he had to get Bush to lose. “That’s when it hit me… kill Rove in 2003 and no Bush win in 2004. I hate to kill a fellow Republican, but if that’s what it takes… I’ll do it.”

As Rex showed me around the house, we came upon some photographs. Rex became quiet as he stared a photo of an older woman. “My mother passed away the night Obama was elected. Some say it was chance. I think she died of a broken heart.” He picked the photo up looked for a moment before reflecting, “How many other elderly people died that election night? You people in the media laugh, but Obama’s been killing elderly folks even before his health care death panels are instituted. I plan to change that.”

As we headed back in the kitchen, I asked him why he didn’t just go back and knock off Obama. Rex laughed, “You haven’t read up on your time travel history. See, Obama’s the next Hitler, and you just can’t go back in time and kill Hitler cause then someone comes back in time a little earlier and kills you. This way, it’s nice and clean.”

When I asked him if perhaps Karl Rove had been brought back in time by a future Rex Mullins to help Bush win the 2004 election to keep Kerry from being elected. Rex mulled that over for a bit. “Damn. I never thought about it that way. Maybe it’s Rove that is the next Hitler and I’m just retracing mistakes made by a past time traveling me.” He got up and poured himself a glass of wine. After half a glass he came to terms with himself. “I’m going to stick to Plan A. If I see another me in the past, I guess I’ll just have to kill him too. I’d rather have Karl Rove Hitler than an Obama Hitler.”

Rex plans on going back in time next week.

“I first plan on traveling back to August 4, 1961 and destroying Obama’s birth certificate just to really piss him off.”

Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe

ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.

Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”

The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.

Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”

Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”

Obama Withdraws Clinton Secretary of State Offer

CHICAGO, IL – Speaking to a crowd of reporters this evening near President Elect Barack Obama’s office, Robert Gibbs announced that Obama was recanting his appointment of the Secretary of State position to Hillary Clinton. “We are disappointed to announce that due to a clerical error we must withdraw the offer of the position.”

All this week, Washington has been abuzz with the prospect of once opponent Clinton becoming one of the highest regarded positions in the new administration. Obama has repeatedly waved off speculation about the appointment by saying, “I do not believe this to be a very big deal.”

But earlier today during a Q&A session with the President Elect, it seemed that reporters pressing for more information about the Secretary of State appointment caused Obama a bit of pause and he called Robert Gibbs over for a private meeting. Hours after the meeting, Gibbs made the announcement that the position is still open. “It seems that when President Elect Obama was asked to think about what role he wanted Hillary to take on in his administration, he wrote down the position on a piece of paper and handed it off to an aide. The aide misunderstood what was written on the paper and we apologize for the confusion it might have caused.”

Our sources were able to dig the discarded piece of paper from the Presidential Elect Official Recycling Bin. The contents of the note are shown below.

A Clintonista Apologizes

A few months ago, I had an internet tussle with a Clintonista. (If you are not aware, a Clintonista is like a pitbull without lipstick.) You can see the comments here:

During our little debate, this Clintonista said that she would offer up an apology if Obama won the election.

Well, as you can guess, I have not heard from her.

So instead, I've written the apology letter for her:

Dear HolyJuan,

As I promised, here is my apology.

I am sorry for criticizing you when it turned out that you were right and I was wrong.

I am sorry for turning my back on the Democratic Party.

I am sorry for any hurt feelings I may have caused any Obama supporters by blindly supporting McCain when Hillary was defeated in the primaries.

I am sorry that I doubted Barack Obama. My love for Hillary Clinton was absolute and I had to blame someone for her loss.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Obama for throwing Clinton a bone and making Hillary Secretary of State.

HolyJuan, you might not be the most handsome man in the world, but I respect you and your opinion and maybe someday I will earn your respect.

Your (hopefully someday) friend,

A Clintonista

Wow! Very nice.

Here is my reply:

Dear A Clintonista,

You can take your stinking apology and shove it. The election is over and I could care less about you and your horrific opinions.

Good Day,


PS I will still read your site everyday!! I love it!

GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch

COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”

Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.

Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”

Another wonderful bumper sticker from a McCain supporter

I couldn't believe this bumper sticker when I saw it. I was hoping that I was misreading it somehow.

I wasn't.

That photo kinda looked photoshoppy so here is another shot of it. (Click to enlarge.)

Greg and Dad - The Debate

(I have to assume that McCain is the one with four light sabers (a la General Grievous.)

Who will McCain choose once Palin drops off the ticket?

I do not want to debate whether or not Governor Palin is going to drop off McCain’s ticket as Vice President… that is pretty much a given. As a matter of fact, I think McCain’s consultants preparing for it and are going to try to spin it for more media cycles.

But who will McCain pick next? He's got to out do himself again. Let’s look at the possibilities:

1. Hillary Clinton

-18 Million votes guaranteed!
-she will unleash pent up vitriolic rage against Obama

-raving lunatic PUMAs and Clintonistas will simultaneously explode causing big mess
-might end up President if McCain dies
-Christian Conservatives would get caught in an infinite prayer feedback loop of praying to win and praying to lose.

2. Heath Ledger

-major Superstar
-wide appeal
-won’t say anything stupid
-cool accent

-even dead, can’t make McCain look younger or better
-Christian Conservatives don’t like guys that have sex with guys, even if it was just in a movie

3. Inanimate Carbon Rod

-Older than McCain thus making him look younger
-Inanimate, which means it can’t fuck up
-TV star (young kids love it)
-easy to vet

-Rod is a gay name
-Christian Conservatives don’t like the periodic table

4. Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuit

-If you can’t get Hillary, it’s the next best thing
-won’t cry or eat your soul
-wash and wear

-Remnants of Bill on the back
-Christian Conservatives don’t like female pants. It’s the devil’s stitchery.

5. The Statue of Liberty

-100% American (Although the French thing will come out later in the media.)
-Older than McCain but still slightly hot
-Good with dates, reads books, likes foreigners, knows her place and has a huge ass torch

-Freakishly tall
-small boobs
Christian Conservatives don’t like unmarried women with careers

Unbelievable, but I still believe

For a few days now, I’ve been thinking about the moment when Obama announces Hillary as his running mate. I think it could have happened. I think it would have been great for the ticket. I know there are as many Clintonistas that hate Obama as there are Obamites that hate Clinton. But I thought that everyone would get over themselves for the greater good (or at least to get rid of the greater evil.)

I was wrong.

Clinton is in debt. Her never ending campaign drained her coffer and left a few million IOUs in the bottom. CNN reported here that her campaign is in debt just under 24 MILLION dollars.

Clinton needs a cash tour de force from Obama’s supporters to knock down that debt. So you think she would provide 24 million dollars worth of campaigning and ask her constituents to do the same. I see Hillary slowly starting to hit the pavement for Obama so her supporters are following suit?

Not so. Here’s a quote from a Lynn Forrester, a highly regarded Clinton supporter, “(Obama) has provided her with a pittance compared to what the Clintons have given Obama,” prominent Clinton backer Lynn Forrester told the Times of London. “Her debt could have been cleared within 10 days. It’s ungracious.”

Wow. Unbelievable. Ungracious?

I’m one of those folks who believe that Clinton did strengthen Obama’s campaign up to a point. And at the time when Clinton should have dropped out of the campaign, she could have saved that 24 million. But instead she continued to campaign, ad nausem, and now there’s debt and bad feelings from rabid supporters that hold out one hand for a donation while flipping Obama off with the other.

People need to get over themselves.

I would still support an Obama/Hillary ticket. As a matter of fact, I still think that he will choose her as a running mate. Anyone want to make a bet?

Analysts Predict $100 Drop in Oil Price with Obama Election Win

ATHENS, OH – Researchers at The Ohio University School of Foreign Economics and Petroleum Studies have predicted a major drop in oil prices with the election of Senator Barack Obama as President of the United States. Statistics were gathered from six months of intensive economic and socioeconomic studies.

Professor Martin Lynn, PhD in Economics simply stated that, “Obama has a lovely skin tone very similar to the glistening color of oil. He puts oil rich nations at ease with his beautiful, sweet crude skin.”

Skeptical, we also spoke with Dr. Knikitat Ohsruhu who had a complementary explanation, “Our trends show that with current conditions bent to conform to the existing oil markets, prices should begin reducing 25% in the fourth quarter with a drastic total drop of at least $100 in the second quarter of 2009, as long as he doesn’t get ashy under all this election stress.”

Other actions by the Obama Administration could prove effective in reducing the demand for oil. Barack pledged to a group of teachers and construction workers in Bellevue, WA this week that he would begin petroleum based hair product embargo. This embargo would require many in the African American community to go without several different types of hair products. Our in-house illustrator has created a digital representation of Barack Obama’s personal sacrifice if this embargo is successful.

Professor Martin Lynn, PhD summed it up best, “McCain’s got that blotchy, pale ass skin. That’s the skin of pestilence and death. No one trusts a white dude with skin like that.”

Clinton demands votes from middle school students should count

Lancaster, OH (AP) With Senator Hillary Clinton so close to catching Senator Barack Obama, every vote counts; even if that vote comes from a middle schooler. Earlier today, the Clinton Campaign announced it would seek to count the votes from not only Florida and Michigan, but also the votes from a mock primary election held at the General Sherman Middle School in Lancaster, OH.

"It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, along with the 82 votes from General Sherman Middle School, then we are going to build on that," the New York senator said.

The mock election was held last Tuesday when the students’ interest in the primaries was piqued after the Ohio primary. Many of the students made posters, held rallies and created negative ad campaigns on YouTube.

Clinton Spokeswoman Norma Wright claimed that the students’ votes should count, “We cannot continue to disenfranchise voters, especially the younger voters. Pissed off kids usually end up becoming Republicans”

Some students did not vote in protest of the electronic voting machines that were used in the mock election. Seventh grader Mark summed it up, “These Sequoia Voting Systems machines are whack.”

General Sherman eight grade Class Treasurer and Hillary Clinton Fan Club president Rhonda Dotts remarked, “The kids that didn’t vote in protest are just doin’ it because it’s cool to protest and not to vote in protest and stuff.”

When was asked about counting the votes won by Obama from the caucus held across the city at Thomas Ewing Middle School, Hillary dismissed the votes explaining, “We can’t win caucuses so we do not believe in them.”

The Real Question is: After Eight Years, Is George Bush Experienced Enough to Be President?

There has been some banter back and forth about Obama’s experience being less than Hillary’s because she had eight years of on the job training, behind the scenes, not baking cookies in the White House. Of course then people ask if Laura Bush is qualified for the Presidency because she has eight years experience, chain smoking at the White House.

The real question should be: Is George Bush experienced enough to be President? He’s got eight years, 9/11, and two wars under his belt. Knowing what we know now, with Bush’s eight years of experience, would anyone, besides the Jesus Crispies, have voted for him in 2000? If they could again in 2008?

Now… how much does “White House experience” matter?

Has God told Huckabee that McCain won’t make it to the Republican National Convention?

Huckabee knows something that mathematicians and most everyone else does not. In a surprising announcement this morning on MSNBC, Mike Huckabee stated that even though it is mathematically improbable for him to win the Republican nomination, he is going to continue on campaigning because “something could happen to John McCain” between now and the Republican National Convention. What is that something? McCain could drop the F bomb or call Obama a pineapple chucker. But what we all know he means is that McCain could have a stroke or drop dead any minute.

And how would Huckabee get this information? God told him.

In Huckabee’s twice daily (and three times on the Sabbath) conversations with God, he probably asks God if he should continue his campaigning. What do you think God is saying to Huck? A smart God would tell Huckabee to drop out so that he doesn’t make McCain look un-Conservative. He’d probably mention that miracles are for wine, loaves and fishes and not for elections. But that’s not what Huckabee is hearing. Huckabee hears, “Go the distance,” and inevitably, “If you build it, McCain will have a stroke.”

Now, my belief is that McCain has a better chance of saying “fuck” than dropping dead. He’s a tough s.o.b. no matter what Chuck Norris says. But… if you know God is on your side, anything is possible.

So if in some offhand chance, McCain does bite it before the Republican National Convention and Huckabee wins the nomination… what next? I assume that if God will take the time to off McCain, he would also want Huck to win the general election as well. Now that would take a miracle… unless Obama has a stroke too. Then Hillary would come down with prostate cancer and so on and so on until there’s no one left to run against him.

And if all that happens, you can bet for sure that I’m going to repent, vote for Huckabee and convert to whatever religion he tells me to in the 28th Amendment. Hallelujah Huckabee!!