The Official List of Nudie Bar Rules


2. All stripper perfume is allowed to initially smell like cotton candy or vanilla, but within five minutes of leaving the establishment, must transform to smell like church incense or library books.

3. Every private dance song will either be Alice’s Restaurant or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

4. Any garment that is not see through must be removed before the second song.

5. No dancing into the second trimester.

6. All stripper names must be named after cars. This will enable men to speak freely about their experiences and not get a beat down from the women folk.

7. No lactating. I mean it.

8. Before you leave the nudie bar, attendants will change back your ones for larger bills that are crisp with no folds or creases.

9. The following types of tattoos must be covered in lap dance proof makeup:
-other guys’ names
-Simpsons characters
-kids’ names
-any reference to Daddy
-“exit only”

10. No cesarean section scars over two feet long.

11. No piercings with sharp edges.

12. No biting. I know you might think that we think it is hot (it is), but it requires us have our buddies create larger, cover-up bruises and then excuses for the bruises.

13. All nipples should face forward between 15 degrees up and 35 degrees down. Any nipples facing more than 35 degrees down will be immediately fined $10 for every degree.

14. Any dance garment that is wider than 3” is completely illegal.


nawanda37 said...

a stripper that smells like library books? i'm there.


Unknown said...

You forgot a rule. Tuck that tag! In fact, you shouldn't be dancing during that week anyway

Anonymous said...

What did we decide on Nicotine Patches?

HolyJuan said...

Only the birth control patches are allowed. Nicotine patch?? Who ever heard of a stripper who had enough will power to quit anything?

RickySilk said...

The lactating bit is funny and all but got me thinking.... does that really happen?

Mr. Phip said...

In regards to #2: I once did an extensive study about why all strippers smell like cotton-candy. Surely there isn't a specific perfume sold exclusively to strippers across the country, right? After many drinks at the club in my college town I interviewed as many dancers that would talk to me without giving them a dollar first. Turns out they mix their favorite perfume with baby oil to make it last longer and give them a 'sheen' onstage. Apparently, when you mix any perfume on Earth with baby oil the resulting combination always smells like cotton candy. This amazing insight comes free of charge. You're welcome.