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Showing posts sorted by date for query Ask HolyJuan. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Scam Baiting Dating {The FINAL update}
I have jumped back into the ScamBaiting game again. This one is especially good because it involves a woman or a man pretending to be a woman. Let’s see how Alicia and Juan strike up a beautiful and loving relationship.
I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.
{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------
from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello
Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,
-------------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello
Alicia!
So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...
But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?
Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.
Thanks,
Juan
{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.
I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.
Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.
Love & care from,
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello
Alicia,
What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!
I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.
Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?
Here are the answers you needed from me:
Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer
As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."
Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.
Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.
My dearest love to you,
Juan Stein
PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .
I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.
Bellow here is the contact of the bank.
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,.My prayer is for God to grant me my pussuance and by the grace of God he will surely see
us through.
.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.
Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.
Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?
Answer these questions:
Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?
You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.
I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?
In his holiness name of the Lord and such...
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,
However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia
{My letter to the "bank."}
from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com
Hello,
I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578
But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?
When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!
I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.
Please help and God be praised,
Juan Stein
{The "bank" replies.}
from bis bank to HolyJuan
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:
ATTENTION: SIR
DATE 26-06-08
DEAR SIR.
THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.
AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.
.
BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}
WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.
THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA
Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!
I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?
1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.
3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.
4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .
5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.
6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)
What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!
Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.
I love you so much!
Love
Juan
from Alicia Camara alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Good Day Honey
I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,
1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.
Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.
Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;
Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us? Send the letter you received from the BANK to the lawyer immediately for his more understanding on what he need to do, Thank you for your concern, always put me in your daily prayers.
with love and kisssss
Best Regard
Alicia
{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?
I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.
I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.
I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.
If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!
But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.
WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!
Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation
So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .
Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia
{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}
Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.
Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.
Flowers from my love!
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
I will e-mail him today.
I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.
Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,
Juan
{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia
Hello Barrister Assman,
Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!
I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.
Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!
I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.
Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.
Thank you Assman,
Juan Stein
---------------------------------------------
{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}
Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.
I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.
Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!
Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!
Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.
In your name lubricate,
Amen.)
Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.
LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,
Juan
---------------------------------------------------
{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}
Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR
Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08
In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.
Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,
--------------------------------------------------------
From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mrs Jane Okada,
Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:
1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations
Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.
In Jesus name,
Juan Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.
ASHMANDUKE
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM
HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.
1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550
TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Dear Mr. Assman,
These prices are satisfactory.
As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.
I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.
Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.
I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.
I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.
In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.
If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!
Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.
Thank you for your understanding,
Juan Stein
----------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.
SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Listen here Assman,
I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.
Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?
Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.
Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.
In your honor and such,
Juan
--------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------
{You're fired!}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thank you for your service.
I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.
I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.
Epic fail.
Juan
-------------------------------------------------
{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Sweet Heart
i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.
Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.
I love Honey
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Sweet love meat Alicia!
Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.
I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!
Ihope you are not alergic!
Your husband to be,
Juan
------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia
------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have been lying to you. I am sorry.
I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.
The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.
Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.
I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.
I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?
All my love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia
-------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.
I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.
the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.
Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.
Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.
Promise?
Love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia
-----------------------------------------------------------------
{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I owe you an apology.
I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.
Let's start over...
What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.
We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:
1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?
Thank you,
Juan Stein
--------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.
Regard mrs.Jane Okada
-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.
The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50
For a total of $4,740
When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }
Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!
Thank you Assman,
Signed,
HolyJuan
----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mr. Ashman,
$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!
That is a lot of money.
So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.
I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.
If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.
Juan
I AM VERY UPSET.
-----------------------------------
{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}
From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
-----------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Reply
I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.
Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.
If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.
I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.
Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.
JUAN
-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello my love,
Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.
I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.
You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.
I will see you in my dreams,
Juan
------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:
You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be
But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia
Oh, Alicia
But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay
{Instrumental}
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Hold on
Oh, Alicia
------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}
from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.
Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.
Take the test.
Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.
Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.
Otherwise, no money.
NO MONEY!
NO MONEY!
I love you with all my heart!
Juan
------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.
http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html
Let me know if you are able to read it.
Juan
{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}
--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thanks for the fun my friend!
Good luck with trying to get money from other people.
Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.
Tell "Alicia" I said hi!
Thanks!
HolyJuan
{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}
I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.
{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------
from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello
Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,
-------------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello
Alicia!
So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...
But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?
Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.
Thanks,
Juan
{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.
I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.
Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.
Love & care from,
Alicia
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello
Alicia,
What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!
I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.
Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?
Here are the answers you needed from me:
Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer
As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."
Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.
Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.
My dearest love to you,
Juan Stein
PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .
I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.
Bellow here is the contact of the bank.
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,
us through.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.
Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.
Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?
Answer these questions:
Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?
You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.
I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?
In his holiness name of the Lord and such...
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,
However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia
{My letter to the "bank."}
from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com
Hello,
I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578
But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?
When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!
I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.
Please help and God be praised,
Juan Stein
{The "bank" replies.}
from bis bank
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:
ATTENTION: SIR
DATE 26-06-08
DEAR SIR.
THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.
AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.
BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}
WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.
THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA
Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!
I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?
1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.
3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.
4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .
5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.
6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)
What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!
Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.
I love you so much!
Love
Juan
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Good Day Honey
I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,
1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.
Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.
Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;
Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us?
with love and kisssss
Best Regard
Alicia
{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?
I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.
I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.
I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.
If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!
But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.
WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!
Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation
So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .
Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia
{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}
Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.
Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.
Flowers from my love!
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
I will e-mail him today.
I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.
Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,
Juan
{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia
Hello Barrister Assman,
Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!
I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.
Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!
I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.
Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.
Thank you Assman,
Juan Stein
---------------------------------------------
{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}
Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.
I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.
Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!
Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!
Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.
In your name lubricate,
Amen.)
Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.
LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,
Juan
---------------------------------------------------
{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}
Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR
Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08
In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.
Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,
--------------------------------------------------------
From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mrs Jane Okada,
Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:
1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations
Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.
In Jesus name,
Juan Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.
ASHMANDUKE
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM
HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.
1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550
TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Dear Mr. Assman,
These prices are satisfactory.
As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.
I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.
Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.
I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.
I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.
In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.
If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!
Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.
Thank you for your understanding,
Juan Stein
----------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.
SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Listen here Assman,
I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.
Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?
Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.
Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.
In your honor and such,
Juan
--------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------
{You're fired!}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thank you for your service.
I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.
I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.
Epic fail.
Juan
-------------------------------------------------
{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Sweet Heart
i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.
Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.
I love Honey
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Sweet love meat Alicia!
Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.
I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!
Ihope you are not alergic!
Your husband to be,
Juan
------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia
------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have been lying to you. I am sorry.
I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.
The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.
Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.
I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.
I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?
All my love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia
-------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.
I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.
the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.
Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.
Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.
Promise?
Love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia
-----------------------------------------------------------------
{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I owe you an apology.
I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.
Let's start over...
What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.
We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:
1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?
Thank you,
Juan Stein
--------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.
Regard mrs.Jane Okada
-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.
The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50
For a total of $4,740
When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }
Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!
Thank you Assman,
Signed,
HolyJuan
----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mr. Ashman,
$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!
That is a lot of money.
So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.
I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.
If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.
Juan
I AM VERY UPSET.
-----------------------------------
{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}
From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
-----------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Reply
I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.
Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.
If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.
I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.
Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.
JUAN
-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello my love,
Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.
I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.
You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.
I will see you in my dreams,
Juan
------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:
You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be
But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia
Oh, Alicia
But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay
{Instrumental}
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Hold on
Oh, Alicia
------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}
from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.
Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.
Take the test.
Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.
Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.
Otherwise, no money.
NO MONEY!
NO MONEY!
I love you with all my heart!
Juan
------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.
http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html
Let me know if you are able to read it.
Juan
{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}
--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thanks for the fun my friend!
Good luck with trying to get money from other people.
Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.
Tell "Alicia" I said hi!
Thanks!
HolyJuan
{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}
Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it
Dear HolyJuan,
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog
Dear HolyJuan,
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365
Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food
Dear Holy Juan~
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette
Dear Holy Juan~
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Past Secret
Hi! Do you have a deep dark secret you'd like to tell but cannot because you fear retribution from your family, peers or neighbors?
Please let me tell your story. If you've got one, please e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
If you have a question for Ask HolyJuan, you can send it to that same address.
Please let me tell your story. If you've got one, please e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
If you have a question for Ask HolyJuan, you can send it to that same address.
Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca
Dear HolyJuan,
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
People You Should Not F*ck With
I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
419 Scambaiting – Part 4 {UPDATED 6-6-07}
{Author's note: This is update number four to the continuing correspondence between a scam artist and our friend, Frank Stein. Check out http://www.419eater.com/ for some other great examples of scambaiting.}
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
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Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
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