Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night

Dear HolyJuan,

I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.

What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!


Dear Ralph,

I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.

I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.

But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)

If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.

Best of luck friend,


{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to}


Anonymous said...

I am googling Michael Hutchence right now...
ok...and do men really think like this?? I may have to rethink whether I want to turn lesbian or something...

Rach said...

Lubed Kielbasa makes an unique, and may I add hilarious, serial killer name.

Anonymous said...

Yes, men think like this. Go lesbian! Women are softer anyways and the sex lasts WAY longer CONSISTENTLY.
Besides, your wardrobe doubles and you never have to tell them to go deal with their man Odors.

I know, because I have chosen women over men after many relationships. Men are gross and usually only seem tolerable in the beginning of relationships. Blah!