Ask HolyJuan: Drinking at Work

Well, well, well… a reader has taken up my Ask HolyJuan challenge and I received the following e-mail from her:

Hi Holy Juan~

Since you were asking for questions, perhaps you can provide me with answers. I noticed you were good at providing advice on masking things...such as gayness....so I figured you would probably have expert advice for my question as well. What I really want to know is, how can I drink on the job without my boss knowing that I am drinking on the job?

I eagerly wait your advice.

~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com

PS....No....I don't have a problem! I can quit anytime. Really. (**hiccup!**)


Well ~Marcie, you have come to the right place. If there is one thing I know about, it’s drinking. And if there is one place I do it all the time, it’s at work. Let me share my secrets with you.

Most my co-workers and I drink 8 to 25 cups of coffee a day. Coffee has caffeine in it, which is a pretend drug, but a drug none the less. Alcohol is a drug and there is no reason you should not be able to supplement your coffee drug with an alcohol drug. As a matter of fact, both proposals and grant submissions become increasingly easier to write and inevitably more readable when you drink alcohol. If you work on an assembly line, you’ll find the conversation with the ketchup bottles passing you by on the conveyor belt are much more interesting after a couple of drinks. And sticking your arm in the labeling machine doesn’t hurt as much either. Your real question though was how to get away with drinking at work and I’ve got three sure fire methods:

1. Hide the alcohol out in the open
The best place to hide your booze is in a professionally mounted, “bronzed” bottle on a trophy stand with a plaque that reads, “My last drink was May 12th, 2002. One Day At A Time.” No one will ever suspect and if you get caught holding the bottle, make up an AA excuse like, “My sponsor said I should whisper my sins to the end of the bottle.” You might also want to get a bronzed cup, bronzed coke can and bronzed slice of lime.

2. Hide the alcohol in a cool, secreted place
Say you’re a beer drinker and you like your work brew sorta cold. I’ve got a place that will keep your beer kinda cold, allow you to drink in private, and no one will suspect a thing. Buy a six pack of 16oz tall boys and hide them in the back tank of the toilet in the bathroom. The water in the tank will keep them cool and you can sit in private and knock back a mostly cold one. BONUS – Pee while drinking your beer and get bonus points for multi-tasking. Loud grunting and farting noises will cover up the sound of you crushing the can.

3. Hide the booze in someone else’s desk
You’ll want to split a bottle up over several desks so that you will always have a source. Use water bottles for the clear liquors and root beer bottles for the browns. Hide the faux bottles in the files where they will never look like the “To Do” file or “Ameriaflora 2010.” When you need a drink, wait for your collogue to slip off to a meeting or the bathroom. Now sneak in and sip, sip, sip. Keep a nerf ball in your hand and if you get caught in their cubicle, slip the ball out and yell, “Here it is! Game on!” and run towards the Marketing Department.

Well ~Marcie, I hope this helps. And just remember, drinking isn’t a problem… it’s a challenge.

{Check out Marcie at dogsdontpurr.com. She paints with her boobies!}

2 comments:

Conny said...

I've had great luck pretending I'm sick and pounding bottles of cough syrup filled with hard liquor.

This approach has an advantage of when people see you stumbling around, you can blame your loss of balance on your "illness". Also, in an effort to avoid catching whatever it is you claim you have, no one will get close enough to smell the alcohol on your breath.

Good luck and cheers!

DogsDontPurr said...

Thanks, Holy Juan! It's so nice to know that there is an expert like you that one can turn to for answers on these very serious issues. I don't know what I would have done without your help.