Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus

Dear HolyJuan

Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.

I need your help.



Dear ~Marcie,

Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?

I think we have found our culprit.

Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.

After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.

By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.

In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.

Otherwise, you’ll be fine.

Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.


Anonymous said...

Dear Holy Juan~

I fear this time your Excellency has let me down. I do not do vegetables...only meat. (Refer to one of my previous questions that you have responded to down below.)

If you are referring to "pussy farts," well then you have my partner pegged...even though he is a man.

In addition to his gas lawnmower type snoring, he has a way of also doing a soft "pfft...pfft..pfft"...classic pussy fart sound.

I don't know which is worse.

Perhaps we are just beyond help.

I know your holiness will be of great help for future questions. I don't doubt you. But for now, I guess I must wallow in the sorrow of snoring.


HolyJuan said...

How dare you scoff at my advice / non-medical assessment?

Do you now what will happen if you do not follow these instructions explicitly? If you do not bury the seeds and "water" them, a vine will grow that will burst forth with the fruit of our Earth's destruction! And it might be stinky.

Snoring? Ha! Oh wait... you never mentioned lawnmower sound. That's absolutely harmless.

Good day!