Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette

Dear Holy Juan~

Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?

I eagerly await your answer.


Dear ~Marcie,

Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!

Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.

Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.

You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.

If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.

Now, run!!

That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.

And yes, you are welcome.

{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at}

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh Holy Juan, thank you for imparting your wisdom. I did not mean to offend the Holy Juan by speaking of my heathen meat eating ways. I will show more reverence to your beliefs in my future questions.