Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.



PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.


Sleepy Scott said...

HolyJuan, You know me so well. I will keep the answer to your question a secret to the end.

Although, in my drunken, Taco Bell tainted, tear-stained stupor, I must admit that Laura San Giacomo looked particularly fetching during the "Just Shoot Me" marathon that aired that morning.

Also, I don't recommend eating chilupas when naked.


Anonymous said...

Juan-o this is your best advice yet though I feel sorry for Sleepy. Chin up dude!

Anonymous said...

Woman's point of view here: Scott could have taken advantage and gotten laid for sure. But to not take advantage will win big-time bonus points, possibly trading in a one night stand for more credibility, and REPEAT sex. Since women tend to become more uninhibited the more often they have sex with the same partner, the repeat sex is worth holding out for.

However, this requires proper follow up. He should have called her the next day to make sure she was OK. Then the invite out for a date.

To ignore her and go days or weeks without calling her, coupled with the no sex while drunk, will cause her to read that Scott has no attraction for her.

HolyJuan said...

Well Scott? That almost sounds like real advice...

Sleepy Scott said...

I am not accustomed to receiving actual advice or pertinent information from blogs, especially HolyJuan’s (no offense Doug!). This will take some time to process.

Off the top of my head it appears that I am out of luck since I do not have the woman’s phone number, and I no longer know where she lives or works. I might be able to employ my old stalker techniques to track her down, but I want to put an end to my stalker activities.

Also, my guess is that drunk-girl has no memory of the incident (forgotten the moment she passed-out).

In summary: Sleepy Scott = zero bonus points = zero credibility = zero sex.

Just another day in the life of Sleepy Scott:(