Showing posts sorted by date for query Ask HolyJuan. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query Ask HolyJuan. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it
Dear HolyJuan,
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog
Dear HolyJuan,
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365
Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food
Dear Holy Juan~
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette
Dear Holy Juan~
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Past Secret
Hi! Do you have a deep dark secret you'd like to tell but cannot because you fear retribution from your family, peers or neighbors?
Please let me tell your story. If you've got one, please e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
If you have a question for Ask HolyJuan, you can send it to that same address.
Please let me tell your story. If you've got one, please e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
If you have a question for Ask HolyJuan, you can send it to that same address.
Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca
Dear HolyJuan,
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
People You Should Not F*ck With
I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
419 Scambaiting – Part 4 {UPDATED 6-6-07}
{Author's note: This is update number four to the continuing correspondence between a scam artist and our friend, Frank Stein. Check out http://www.419eater.com/ for some other great examples of scambaiting.}
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
John and guy I bought a beer for
We went to Brazenhead in Grandview for St. Patrick’s Day. It wasn’t Chicago, but it was a very good time. (Remind me to tell you about the Alphabet Girls.)
Towards midnight we noticed a tall dude. He knows he’s tall. Idiots probably remind him of it every day. Bigger idiots ask to get a photo taken with him. At least this guy is smart enough to make it worth his while. Once I asked him if he’d let us take his photo, he said yes, for a beer.
It was worth it.
Damn that dude is tall.
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