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Palmerfest: Then and Now - A comparison of the 1991 and 2017 Ohio University street party

You can be in a place and understand it, but once you move on and see it from a distance through time, you begin to see it through the filter of all the memories between now and then, and it becomes something else.

 On April 20th, 1991, the very first Palmerfest occurred*.  Palmerfest is a yearly event at Ohio University where residents of Palmer Street in Athens, Ohio hold house parties and the yards and porches up and down the street are flooded with people drinking and celebrating. While the event was initially held in April, it was moved back to May because we were all sick of possible cold weather.  I have a feeling that Ohio University switched from quarters to semesters so that Palmerfest would have to be pushed back into April and cold weather might dampen the insanity.

(*Actually, it was the 2nd Palmerfest.  The first one happened six months earlier in October.  But we learned our lesson and moved the party to what we thought would be a warmer part of the calendar.)

I lived in the Lakeview Apartments in the spring of 1991, but Joe, Paul, Amy, Betce and Squirrel lived at 19 Palmer.  Most of us had lived together the year before in Martzolff House and so I was very good friends with them.  Due to the party we had the previous October, there was a desire to have another street party when it was warmer.  The day before, Chris and I searched the surrounding area for the shared “stage” that the bands would play on.  It consisted to two sections, both made from 4’x8’ sheets of plywood and 4”x4” legs. I don’t think the stage belonged to anyone, but it floated from party to party as needed.

On the day of Palmerfest, the drinking started at around 1pm when the beer trailer was opened with an astounding 17 kegs of beer.  People that lived on Palmer had each thrown in $10 or so towards the beer, though some threw in more and several did not throw in any at all, which led to future Palmerfests where houses bought their own kegs. Though it was cold, the turnout was sizable and the beer truck ran out sooner than expected. Partiers walked down to the corner stores and emptied the coolers of beer cans and bottles.  Four bands played throughout the day and there were very few issues outside of a bottle thrown at a house, an impromptu bonfire, thousands of cans and bottles strewn through the yards and a huge freaking water bill from people using the 19 Palmer bathroom.  The police shut the party down at 10pm due to noise and people dispersed to pass out or to head uptown.

In the  1991-92 school year, I moved into 19 Palmer.  This year the party was moved to May and houses held their own parties.  We made t-shirts this year.  It was warm enough that we were able to play wiffle ball and volleyball before things go too busy.  We set the stage up again and bands played throughout the day.  I thought it would be a great idea to turn off the water to the bathroom so people wouldn’t use the toilet.  People still used the toilet.  I was shooting bottle rockets out of my large beer cup and didn’t seemed concerned that I was drinking sulfur and ash.  I wish I could remember the girl who offhandedly named the drink, “firecracker juice.”  This year seemed busier than the year before.  More people were coming in from out of town to attend. I was unavailable for consciousness when the police shut down Palmerfest in ’92.  The next morning, I woke up and picked up the cans out of the back yard for about an hour and wondered why my mouth tasted like brimstone.

A still surviving 1992 Palmerfest t-shirt


I went to the 1993 Palmerfest as a guest, though I was involved with the minority faction of people that tried to get the date moved.  I forget why changing the date was important at the time.  This was the year I took the following horrible panoramic photo.  Still fun. Still didn’t get closed down until late.



I then took the next  15 years off.

In 2009, I got a call from The Post looking for an interview about the original Palmerfest.  I spoke to them about what I remembered and I thought about attending, but did not.  2009 was the first year of the “near riots” on Palmer. The 2009 – 2011 Palmerfests were some of the most chaotic, as people escaped the confines of the yards and flooded the streets with thrown bottles, fires and massive arrests. Police patrols had been increasing over the years as well as the arrests.  The Athens Police department purchased what they called a “communications vehicle” that they specially modified so officers could stand on the top and monitor the street. To me it looked like some kind of armored military vehicle.  Parties were beginning to get shut down earlier and earlier. After the incidents in 2009, the City of Athens created the “Nuisance Party” law.

2017 rolled around; it would be the 27th Annual Palmerfest. In some text exchanges with my niece, I discovered she would be attending Palmerfest and my brother would be coming down as well.   I decided to make this an educational /historical trip and I sent a letter to the residents of 19 Palmer. Actually to the residents of 19 Palmer A and 19 Palmer B because the house had been turned into a duplex.   Here’s the letter.




Both sides of 19 Palmer actually responded and invited me to attend. When I asked about what time I should come down and suggested 11am, they both replied that might be a bit late, things would be kicking off around 7am and that I shouldn’t delay.  What happened to sleeping in until noon?

So at 7:30 am on Saturday, April 8th, 2017, I jumped in the family van with an Ohio University shirt, a  note pad, and a sleeping bag in case things got too crazy, and drove to Athens, Ohio. 


I parked on Hocking Street, which is one parallel street over from Palmer. At 8:30 am, things were already started, even on the ancillary streets.  I wandered through the back yards to the front of 19 Palmer Street.

19 Palmer Street 2017
This is where I stop and correct myself when I said, “back yards.”  When I was at Ohio University, the back yards of 19, 21, 23, 25 and 27 Palmer Street were grassy expanses.  We played volleyball, wiffle ball, laid out blankets, kept ducks and passed out in the soft embrace of the grass.  Around 2004, the owners of those properties added a second house to the back of the original houses and paved the rest of the area to make parking spaces.  It’s a cold, concrete expanse where volleyball would be painful and passing out leads to concussions.  I’ll be bringing up this point later and it will be on the quiz.
21 Palmer Street on the left going down to 27 on the right

When I came around to the front of 19 Palmer, a girl (Ellen) took one look at me and said, “Are you Doug?” I was.  She said they were expecting me.  She got the other Ellen, who I had been in communication with, and they gave me a beer and a tour of the house.  Outside of there being another house strapped to the back of it, 19 Palmer has not changed much in 27 years.  They turned most of the back porch into a 2nd bathroom and used the leftover bits to widen the kitchen.  There were some new windows and all the windows that used to face the backyard were now half windows that faced the addition in back.  Ellen, Ellen, Katie, Kristie and Allie were all super nice and allowed me in their bedrooms which was different from 1991 when I couldn’t get in any girl’s bedroom.  The bedrooms were almost exactly the same with the additions of a few coats of paint.  Same wood floor and trim and plaster walls with old light fixtures.  The kitchen was wider than ours with counters on either side.  They had my letter up on the refrigerator, which made be a little bit proud. 

After sharing some stories about the original Palmerfest, I headed to 19 Palmer B.  Kristen welcomed me and introduced me to (sorry if I get a name wrong) Alexis, Emma, Monica, Emily and Toni.  Their place looked completely updated, even if it was built in 2004.  My letter was on their refrigerator, too. They had a DJ on their porch and a large amount of vodka. 

As I waited for my brother and niece to arrive, I bounced between the front and back of 19 Palmer, observing, taking notes and photos. I think people thought I was a cop. As it got closer to 10:00 am, things were really picking up.  The front yards were filling up and even the concrete desolation in the back started to fill with people drinking, throwing Frisbees and a football. I guess some things don’t change.

Steve and Sydney showed up around 11:00 am. Sydney is the same age I was when the first Palmerfest happened. We drank from the three cases of Miller Lite that Steve brought. We hung out at 19 Palmer for a bit, wandered down to 23 Palmer before heading over to Palmer Place.

Steve, Sydney and HolyJuan



A number of curious people were brave enough to walk up to me and ask me what the hell I was doing there. I got to tell them that I was one of the original people that started Palmerfest. They were interested in listening to grandpa tell his stories.  At one point as I was walking from 19 Palmer to 23 Palmer, a guy standing in a circle of dudes yelled out, “Hey, Dad! What are you doing here?” I do not think he expected me to turn around and confront him and his group with, “Listen here, you mother fucking punk kids. I started this fucking mess and you need to show me some respect.”  With that, we all laughed and I told them about what it was like before electricity.

In the end, we finished drinking around 2:00 pm and I walked past 19 Palmer to see them being cleared out.  We went to my brother’s illegally parked RV and rested for a few hours before heading Uptown to eat dinner.  By 8:00 pm, I was done.  I walked back to Hocking Street, got into the van and drove down the mostly empty Palmer Street and headed back to Columbus.

THE COMPARISON
The difference between the 1991 Palmerfest and 2017 Palmer Fest are many, but luckily there are some things that don’t change. I interviewed both 19A and 19B Palmer and this is what I discovered about Palmerfest now.

DATE:
Back in the 90s, we chose (and sometimes fought about) what date Palmerfest would occur on. At some point, once semesters were instituted, Palmerfest became locked in to the school calendar. There is a drumbeat of weekends that happen after Spring Break: Mill Fest/Congo Fest, High Fest, Mom’s Weekend (MILF Fest – ha!) and Palmerfest (with Palmer Place Fest happening the day before.) In speaking with people, they didn’t even think that you could have ever even created a date for Palmerfest… it just happens.

CASES OF NATURAL (NATTY) LIGHT
Tons of cases of Natty Light, just like the original Palmerfest. Some things never change.  Also saw a few brown bags with 40ozers which brought back memories.

FASHION:
People are still wearing dumb shit. I did notice there were less bras.

BANDS:
There are a lot less bands and more DJs. I saw four DJs as I roamed about. Some of the DJs are sponsored. I didn’t there there was going to be any bands, but one pulled up around 11:00am, played and then got out of there by 2pm.  My understanding is that in the mid-90s, the bands got bigger with larger stages, lighting and sound boards. That all stopped when the back yards went away.


BACK YARDS:
This is a biggie.  As I mentioned before, back in 1991, the houses had back yards and the party was contained to the individual houses and the large back yard area. The only reason to be in a front yard was to cross the street.  When the duplexes were built to the backs of the houses, this pushed people from one big open space to the front yards.  This created more opportunities for drunk people to interact with the sidewalks and street where cops are allowed to patrol. While the number of people I saw at this year’s Palmerfest would have overflowed the backyards, containing the party to that area might have kept the pressure off people creeping on to the sidewalks.   FUN OBSERVATION: almost everyone I saw crossing the street with a cup held it upside down to show it was empty.

1994 Satellite photo of Palmer Street. You can see the space behind the five houses in a row.
The five houses with duplexes and parking lots.
POLICE BEFORE THE EVENT :
Full credit goes to the Athens City Police on containing this madness in a calm and orderly chaos.

Here’s their system:
A few weeks before “Fest Season” starts, the City of Athens sends out a mailer with the rules and regulations about parking, open containers, fires, temporary fences, stages, Port-a-Potties, etc. A few days before the specific party weekend, police will go door to door to talk with the people that live at the house and make sure they are aware of the Nuisance Parties City Code and that they will be held responsible for any person on the property who is breaking the ordnance. They also remind houses that any they will be fined for any trash in their yard that is still there at 9:00 am the following day.

This was from the Mill Street Fest, but you get the idea.

POLICE DURING THE EVENT:
At the original Palmerfest, the Athens City Police showed up.  I assume that in the following years that the Sheriff’s Department might have joined the fun. In 2017, I saw the following:

·         Athens City
·         Athens County Sheriffs
·         Glouster Police
·         Logan City Police
·         Lancaster City Police
·         Dublin City Police
·         Ohio State Highway Patrol

The most obvious police were the ones on horseback.  There were at least eight of them that I saw throughout the day.


This horse has a PBR horseshoe.

The police moved up and down the street, keeping a watch on things.  I saw them stop one girl who had an open container that she thought was closed because the wine bottle had a cork in it. They checked her ID, made her dump it out and dispose of the glass bottle, as glass containers are forbidden. The next guy the stopped was on the sidewalk with a can of beer. He “didn’t have” his ID on him, admitted he was underage and got a citation or summons.

As things got crazier, the girls at 19A Palmer maintained order in the front yard. Anyone too close to the sidewalk was told to scoot back. Too much wild behavior would capture the attention of the cops. Early in the day, the cops would warn homeowners if their “guests” were getting out of control. You wanted to party, but not attract too much attention.

At some point around 1pm, the police made their move. They selected a house that was beginning to get out of control.  The eight horsemen of the partypocalypse brought their horses and lined up in front of the selected house. The police on foot would then find the hosts and tell them that they were in violation of the Nuisance Parties code and that they needed to make everyone leave.  At that point, the residents turned off the music and kicked everyone out of the house and yard, front and back.  It is a crazy sight to see three houses in a row, with the yards filled with people on either side of an empty yard.  Two police are left in the front yard to hold the line and ensure a party doesn’t spontaneously combust.  Then the police continue to roam up and down the street,  waiting for the next party to get too crazy. You can probably see what happens here: when the guests of one house party get shut down, they go to another house and that party begins to overflow, thus attracting the attention of the cops. The police did something counter-intuitive which seemed to work: they didn’t start at one end of the street and work their way down, forcing people into a cluster and creating a wall of drunk people. They picked apart the mass, house by house, dividing and conquering the crowd without creating a mass of people in one area. As a student, I would have been pissed about this, but as an adult, I thought it was genius.

19 Palmer made it until about 2:40 pm and by 4:00 pm, Palmerfest was shut down. Parties that were shut down too early secreted their kegs to other streets to continue the party.  Our group went to Palmer Place, an apartment complex across the street from 19 Palmer, and continued there.

DIFFERENCES:
Obviously the size difference is massive. We didn't have social media or anyone sponsoring parties or DJs. The police presence was big and residents were never expected to take responsibility for their guests. The party getting shut down by 4:00pm was a disappointment because we all know that guys like me have a much better chance of hooking up under the cover of darkness.

STILL THE SAME:
Drinking games, though we had beer bongs, they have flip cup and beer pong; there was still beer shot gunning. People still have dogs.  Doors to houses were open and no one was dumb enough to shut the water off to their bathroom. People were nice. People were fun. People were drunk. People let me tell my stories.

CHART OF COMPARISONS:


SUMMARY:
Palmerfest has grown to be an event that seems to have perpetual motion. While there have been riot like bumps in the road, the street party continues to lumber forward. For it's own good, local authorities seem to have contained the insanity without sanctioning the event and turning it into a street carnival and sucking the life out of it. The Palmerfest originators could never predicted where the party is today and many of the people today were unaware of its meager beginnings. Overall, the original reason for Palmerfest was to throw a large, kickass party.



  

 OTHER PHOTOS
From top left clockwise: wiffle ball, the old garage from 19 Palmer, Steve on the back roof of 19 Palmer, the old narrow kitchen of 19 Palmer 


I stowed my cup in the bushes, a 1991 party tactic

These sisters saw me taking photos and just asked if I would take their photo too.

Palmer Street 2017 around 11:30am

The back of 19 Palmer around noon

Steve and Sydney

This seems to be a permanent sign on Palmer Street

Not the topless partygoer I wanted to see

Palmer Place around 2:00pm as people were being kicked out of Palmer Street












Helpful Cooking Hints With HolyJuan: Butter

Butter is in every single recipe. If it is not in a recipe you are using, you are cooking incorrectly. Here's a simple trick I learned.

When using butter, they usually ask that you measure out the butter in tablespoons. Instead of getting out a an actual tablespoon and making a mess, use the stick of butter measuring lines.  I'm making mac and cheese and need 4 tablespoons of butter.

FIRST: Get out your stick of butter and notice the marked lines.


SECOND: Cut the lines until you get to the 4 TBSP mark.


THIRD: We only need the 4 TBSP, so throw out the other chunks.


FOURTH: Put the 4 TBSP in the recipe. Done and done!


Look for more Cooking with HolyJuan tips in the future!





Soda Jerk

Remember how f'ing hot this last summer was?  And do remember that one time I was a dick to you and you wanted to get me back?  These two unrelated statements came together a number of months ago. I had been leaving my car windows down because of the heat.  I went out to my car one afternoon and as I sat in the driver's seat, something seemed... odd. I then realized that the steering wheel was sticky. And so was the dash. And the seat.  Someone had, on purpose or accidentally, thrown a cup of pop in my car. It was brown and sticky. It fucking pissed me off.

Someone thought it was pretty funny to coat the inside of my car with pop or maybe they were carrying a soda pop when all of a sudden they were attacked by a mountain lion and their only chance to survive was to ditch their Coke and run like the dickens.

For about two days I would get in my car in the morning and be reminded of the prank. (Yeah, I kept forgetting to clean it out.) I'd think about it on my way to work... if it was an accident, the person would have told be about it. If it was a joke, they were just sitting back and waiting for the right moment to ask me about my sticky mess and they would have a good laugh. So I waited for an answer.

And on the third day I got my answer.

I needed to throw some crap in my back seat when I saw this:


There are two Coke cans. The one without the lid blown off is from Puerto Rico. Keegan brought it back to show me the smaller can and that their Coke contains less salt and more (real) sugar. The one with the blown off top is an American Coke can with more salt and less sugar.  I was going to do a post on HolyJuan about how American Coke is salty so you drink more.

The heat caused the can to expand and blow the top off, which happened to shoot right between the driver and passenger seats and all over the dash and steering wheel.

In the end, my co-workers were not assholes. There was no mountain lion. And I never did that post on HolyJuan about the salt levels of American Coke vs Puerto Rico Coke. Unless you count this one.

I need some scientists to tell me if the additional salt in American Coke would cause it to expand more and thus blow off the top. Or maybe the can was engineered differently.  I'll call this the Coke Challenge. Get to work scientists!

Ask HolyJuan: How to Build a Mancave?

Dear Holy Juan,

In a few short months I will be getting married. This means my future wife and I will be moving into a new home soon. You've given advice on moving, keeping your wife happy, even parenting lessons (which I will undoubtedly need someday). One topic I have yet to see addressed? The home oasis of every American male. I'm talking about the Man-cave.

Holy Juan, I will need a Man-cave in my new home. Since I've never been married or a proud home-owner before I am at a loss. Does a finished basement automatically become the Man-cave, or will I have to flip a coin with my wife to see who gets dibs? If the basement is unfinished, but I use my considerable talent to change that, is it automatically mine? Will a shed in the backyard suffice as a Man-cave? Can I even hook up satellite TV to a shed?

My only solace in our current condo is the computer room/ office which I share with my fiancé and there's a goddamn poster sized picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall. It's not even a sexy or seductive one either. This trend cannot carry over to the new house.

Help me, Holy Juan. You're my only hope.

Sincerely,
Mr. Phip


Dear Mr. Phip,

Buying a home can be a very stressful… wait… you are getting married? Married? Have you thought about the repercussions of this? You realize that when you are married, you lose the right to say “man.” Everything after that is “us.” What you are asking me is how to build an “Us-Cave.”

How To Build An Us-Cave

Step One: Buy a house
Make sure your house has a basement or second bedroom. This way you can fill those large, unused spaces with the boxes of sports memorabilia and man crap that you will not be allowed to unpack.

Step Two: Watch Home Improvement Shows
By watching home improvement shows, you will start to begin to gain confidence in your abilities to think about how great it would be to have an Us-Cave. Please note, you will have to record the Home Improvement shows and sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to watch them.

Step Three: Reminisce
Soon the DVR will be filled with other shows like “The Biggest Loser” and “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” and “16 and Pregnant” and there will be no more room for DIY shows. This will give you plenty of time to sneak into the spare bedroom and sort through the boxes with your old Xbox, baseball cards and baseball gear. Weep quietly to yourself now. Do it in the baseball glove so that with every sob, you inhale the sweet , sweet smell of bachelorhood.

Step Four: Construction!
Surprise! Your wife sold all your man crap and now the spare bedroom is empty (actually she threw the shit out and the guy with the trash truck just made a cool $1,500 off your collectibles.) Time to think about filling this now empty room with stuff! You repaint. You re-carpet. You buy a bed and an end table and a set of drawers. What’s this? A recliner! And your wife allows you to buy a 44” LCD, wifi enabled flatscreen. Your Us-Cave is almost a reality.

Step Five: Mother-in-law moves into the Us-Cave
Now all that is left is to await death. I’d suggest eating two pounds of bacon a day to quicken your inevitable end, but now that your wife is vegan, so are you. You’ll live to be 100. Until then, mother-in-law needs her colostomy bag emptied. Get to work, Mr. Phip.

Congratulations on your pending nuptials!

Ask HolyJuan: Neighbors Park on Our Side of the Street

Dear Holy Juan,

I have a little dilemma that needs to be handled with tact.

Our new neighbors keep parking their car in front of our house. We both have garages. We both have driveways. We both have the same amount of curb space. But they put their car in front of our house. They park in such a way that it takes up the space where two cars could fit. Of course, it also blocks our view, and our guests are forced to park far away.

Well, of course, our guests could park in front of their house. I've told a few friends to do this. They said our neighbors were outside at the time and glared at them as they got out of the car and walked over to our house.

I don't know what action to take. I thought of leaving a note, but I don't know what to say.

These neighbors are new to this country, and they kind of keep to themselves. I don't want to cause offense. I just want them to move their car!


--- Kristen


Dear --- Kristen,

I have a plan.

I’m assuming that your new neighbors are French because they sound like real assholes.

You may want a pen to write this down. Or I guess you could just print it.

First, you will need to get a cat. If you have one, great. If you do not, even better because cats are horrible pets. I have two and I would give you both of them for this if I had the chance. So if you do not have a cat, borrow one.

Now, you are going to need to find a dead cat that looks like your cat / your borrowed cat. They are all over the place so just get a cooler, some dry ice and put the dead cat in the cooler for transportation back to your freezer. Make sure it’s really dead or you’ll be really mad at yourself when that little fucker leaps out of the cooler and tears your eyes out.

Next, you’ll want to go to the neighbor’s house with the live cat in hand. Knock on the door and tell them that you saw them almost run over your cat when they parked in front of your house. Ask them if they would park on their side to avoid killing your cat. At this point, if they truly are French, they will ignore you.

The next time they park in your spot, thaw out the dead cat in the microwave (you may want to put some paper towels down) and then put the dead cat under their front wheel. Make sure you take lots of photos. Then go to their door and accuse them of killing your cat.

When they go to examine the dead cat, hit the red button on the remote control that detonates the explosive charge that you hid inside the dead cat’s body. Hopefully you’ll have used enough C4 to both kill the car owner and blow the car over on to their side of the street.

My work here is done.

Best of luck with the Frenchies!

HJ

Archived HolyJuan Stories and Thanks

In January of 2006, I started HolyJuan. It was Lia that said, “You should start a blog,” and I did.

My first story was a work related trip to Chicago and how I ended up spending the night at somewhere that was not my hotel room.

Since that story I’ve created 1,289 posts. Some stories. Some lies. Some rants. Some terrible cartoons. More lies.

Sadly, I am a much better story teller than a webpage person. Many of the wonderful HolyJuan stories are buried deep within the tubes of the internet. Someday, when I am famous and I thank all of you for getting me there, I’ll find a way to make the archives a bit more accessible. Until then I am going to begin dredging some of them up and reposting them at the top of the website. While many might call me lazy for reposting old stuff, I hope a few of you might appreciate some of my dustier memories.

I’d like to thank you for your continued readership. You e-mails and comments let me know that you all love me almost as much as I love myself. I’m always accessible by e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com. I usually reply within a few days. Some of my best posts are Ask HolyJuan e-mails. Try me sometime.

Thanks again.

HolyJuan

Ask HolyJuan: Spicy Pepperoni

Hi, I have a package of Pepperoni that I want to make it hot and spicy,, what can I soak it in. Please help.

Pat j.


Dear Pat j.,

Clever. Very clever, MISTER HORMEL!! I know it's you! You and that stinking over priced Tabasco Brand laced Pepperoni in the stinking 5 ounce package. I outed you months ago and now you come crawling back to good ol' HolyJuan seeking advice about how you can make your rotten spicy pepperoni on the cheap!

Well I'll tell you how to make it hot and spicy. Use Frank's RedHot! I use Frank's on almost everything I want to give a nice, but not too hot, spicy kick.

Step One:
Buy pepperoni (you own a pepperoni company so I assume you do not need to buy it. Just walk out on the factory floor and grab a handful.)

Step Two:
Buy some Frank's RedHot (Don't let the Tabasco people see you buy it... that would be breach of contract.)

Step Three:
Put eight (not five) ounces of pepperoni in a plastic bag

Step Four:
Through a proprietary process, infuse the pepperoni with Frank's RedHot.

Step Five:
Sell it for the same price as your other eight ounce products.

Step Six:
Enjoy!

There, I fixed it for you!

Love,

HolyJuan

Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.

Signed,
HolyJuan

PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge

Dear HolyJuan:

I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Logan Leadfoot



Dear Pb 12 inches,

Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.

Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.

Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.

Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.

Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:

HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081

I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.

The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.

Love,

HolyJuan

She Asked HolyJuan

Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!


Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Google Wave for an Ask HolyJuan

Are you interested in a Google Wave invite?

Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.

I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.

Thanks for playing.

holyjuan@gmail.com

Ask HolyJuan: What Shall I Take in My Suitcase?

Dear HolyJuan,

What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.

Please help.

Thanks.

Warmest Regards,

Larry


Dear Larry,

Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?

I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.

1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.

2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.

3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”

4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.

5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.

So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”

Love and respectfully,

HolyJuan

Ask HolyJuan: Girlfriend annoys boyfriend with word misuse (now with sexist bonus)

Dear Holyjuan,
Throughout the entire course of our relationship together, my girlfriend has been misusing a particular word. At first it was kind of cute and no one seemed to notice, so I let it go. But, recently she has increased her use of the word and its starting to drive me crazy. I want to know how to get the most out of this small, but oh so important shift in the balance of power. Do I spring it on her right before dinner with her parents? Or maybe in front of other people so they think I am more intelligent? This delicate situation where the man is right and the woman is wrong, so rarely happens, I thought you would be the person to best advise me and men everywhere on how to finally "take her down a peg".

Sincerely,
Whipped and Wordy


Dear W & W,

The word is “taint” isn’t it? Every f’ing chick out there uses the word “taint” and they throw it around like they are “taint” experts or taintsperts. The word is CHODE folks. The chode is the area of the male body between the balls and the butthole. I’m not sure why people use the word taint except for the catchy phrase, “’Taint your balls and ‘taint your butt.”

Nevertheless, you are looking for a solution and I have one that I picked up from The Dog Whisperer: a choke collar. The next time you have dinner with her folks, present her with this gift. Call is a stainless steel necklace that represents your love for her. Make sure you mention that you paid extra for the attached leather strapette. Insist she put it on immediately and make sure you have a firm grip on the strap. With a flair, change the topic of conversation from Al Gore to parts of the body that rhyme with “faint.” As soon as she says “taint”, give the leash a jerk and say, “NO!” in a very commanding voice.

It is very important at this time that you do not correct her by saying “chode.” Just correct the bad behavior. She needs to correct herself. In this way, she will see you as the one guiding her and not forcing her.

In about six weeks, you will be able to remove the leash and just leave the collar on her. In this time, she will find herself not using the word “taint” and slowly beginning to freely say, “Chode.” I do not expect relapse, but if she does, reattach the leash and keep a rolled up newspaper around to give her some reinforcement on the nose.

You. Are. Welcome.

HJ

BONUS!
For the easily offended, I rewrote this entry so that the sexes of the two people were switched to cover up for my sexism.

Dear Holyjuan,
Throughout the entire course of our relationship together, my boyfriend has been misusing a particular word. At first it was kind of cute and no one seemed to notice, so I let it go. But, recently he has increased his use of the word and its starting to drive me crazy. I want to know how to get the most out of this small, but oh so important shift in the balance of power. Do I spring it on him right before dinner with his parents? Or maybe in front of other people so they think I am more intelligent? This delicate situation where the woman is right and the man is wrong, so rarely happens, I thought you would be the person to best advise me and women everywhere on how to finally "take him down a peg".

Sincerely,
Whipped and Wordy


Dear W & W,

The word is “taint” isn’t it? Every f’ing dude out there uses the word “taint” and they throw it around like they are “taint” experts or taintsperts. The word is CHODE folks. The chode is the area of the male body between the balls and the butthole. I’m not sure why people use the word taint except for the catchy phrase, “’Taint your balls and ‘taint your butt.”

Nevertheless, you are looking for a solution and I have one that I picked up from The Dog Whisperer: a choke collar. The next time you have dinner with his folks, present him with this gift. Call is a stainless steel necklace that represents your love for him. Make sure you mention that you paid extra for the attached leather strapette. Insist he put it on immediately and make sure you have a firm grip on the strap. With a flair, change the topic of conversation from Al Gore to parts of the body that rhyme with “faint.” As soon as he says “taint”, give the leash a jerk and say, “NO!” in a very commanding voice.

It is very important at this time that you do not correct him by saying “chode.” Just correct the bad behavior. He needs to correct himself. In this way, he will see you as the one guiding him and not forcing him.

In about six weeks, you will be able to remove the leash and just leave the collar on him. In this time, he will find himself not using the word “taint” and slowly beginning to freely say, “Chode.” I do not expect relapse, but if he does, reattach the leash and keep a rolled up newspaper around to give him some reinforcement on the nose.

You. Are. Welcome.

HJ

Ask HolyJuan: How can I get more followers on Twitter?

Dear HolyJuan,

I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?

Yours truly,

@chicoktc


Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,

You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.

Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).

I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.

Another issue I see is your profile photo.

By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.

Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.

Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.

You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ

How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.

Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.

Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.

So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.

You are welcome!

Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?

Dear HolyJuan,

My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.

My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.

Senior Blanco


Dear Sr. Blanco,

Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.

I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.

What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.

This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.

Signed,

HolyJuan

PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)

Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?

Dear HolyJuan,

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?


Signed,

Sr. Blanco


P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?


Dear Senior Blanco,

Brilliant question, sir!

I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.

I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.

Now, on to my forte:

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Bristol Palin


Chelsea Clinton


I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.

Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:


All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.


You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.

So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.

Bristol Palin for the win!

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?

Thanks,

Cindy

PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.



Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend

Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.

Ask HolyJuan: Inhospitable in NYC

Dear Holy,
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.

What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?

Sincerely,
Inhospitable in NYC



Dear In,

Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.

Moving on.

What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.

If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.

If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”

If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.

If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.

I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.

Love,

HolyJuan

PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.

Ask HolyJuan: 614-GAY-IDOL

I understand that several of my readers do not have hands or are busy with their hands while reading my site.

I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.

Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!

Scam Baiting Dating {The FINAL update}

I have jumped back into the ScamBaiting game again. This one is especially good because it involves a woman or a man pretending to be a woman. Let’s see how Alicia and Juan strike up a beautiful and loving relationship.

I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.

{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------

from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello

Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello

Alicia!

So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...

But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?

Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.

Thanks,

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM

Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.

I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
{bullshit}

I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.

Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.

Love & care from,
Alicia



-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello

Alicia,

What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!

I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.

Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?

Here are the answers you needed from me:

Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer

As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."

Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.

Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.

My dearest love to you,

Juan Stein

PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.




-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .

I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.

Bellow here is the contact of the bank.

BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,
{bullshit}.My prayer is for God to grant me my pussuance and by the grace of God he will surely see
us through.
{bullshit}.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.

Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.

Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?

Answer these questions:

Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?

You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.

I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?

In his holiness name of the Lord and such...

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM

Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,

However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

{My letter to the "bank."}

from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com


Hello,

I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578

But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?

When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!

I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.

Please help and God be praised,

Juan Stein

-------------------------------------------------------------

{The "bank" replies.}

from bis bank to HolyJuan
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE

BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:

ATTENTION: SIR

DATE 26-06-08

DEAR SIR.

THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.

AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.

{bullshit}.

BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).

{bullshit}
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}

WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.

THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY

ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA

Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!

I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?

1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.

2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.

3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.

4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .

5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.

6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)

What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!

Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.

I love you so much!

Love

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM

Good Day Honey

I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,

1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.

Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.

Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;

Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com

Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us?
{bullshit} Send the letter you received from the BANK to the lawyer immediately for his more understanding on what he need to do, Thank you for your concern, always put me in your daily prayers.

with love and kisssss

Best Regard
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?

I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.

I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.

I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.

If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!

But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.

WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!

Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation

So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .

Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia

{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}

Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.



Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.


Flowers from my love!



-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

I will e-mail him today.

I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.

Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}

to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia

Hello Barrister Assman,

Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.

I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!

I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.

Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!

I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.

{The bullshit six items from the previous letter}

Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.

Thank you Assman,

Juan Stein



---------------------------------------------

{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}

Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.

Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia

---------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.

Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.

I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.

Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!

Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!

Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.

In your name lubricate,

Amen.)

Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.

LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,

Juan

---------------------------------------------------

{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}


Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR

Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08

In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.

Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,

--------------------------------------------------------

From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Mrs Jane Okada,

Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:

1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations

Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.

In Jesus name,

Juan Stein

------------------------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.

ASHMANDUKE


------------------------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM


HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.

1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550

TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.

ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Dear Mr. Assman,

These prices are satisfactory.

As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.

I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.

Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.

I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.

I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.

In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.

If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!

Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.

Thank you for your understanding,

Juan Stein

----------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR


HELLO MR JUAN

HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.

SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

----------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


Listen here Assman,

I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.

Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?

Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.

Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.

In your honor and such,

Juan

--------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

---------------------------------------------

{You're fired!}


from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


Thank you for your service.

I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.

I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.

Epic fail.

Juan


-------------------------------------------------

{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello My Sweet Heart

i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.

Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.

I love Honey

Alicia

----------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Sweet love meat Alicia!

Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.

I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!

Ihope you are not alergic!

Your husband to be,

Juan


------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia


------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Alicia,

I have been lying to you. I am sorry.

I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.

The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.

Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.

I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.

I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?

All my love,

Juan



--------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Alicia,

I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.

I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.

the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.

Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.

Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.

Promise?

Love,

Juan

--------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia

-----------------------------------------------------------------


{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


I owe you an apology.

I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.

Let's start over...

What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.

We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:

1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?

Thank you,

Juan Stein

--------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.

Regard mrs.Jane Okada

-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.

The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50

For a total of $4,740

When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }

Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!

Thank you Assman,

Signed,

HolyJuan

----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Mr. Ashman,

$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!

That is a lot of money.

So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.

I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.

If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.

Juan

I AM VERY UPSET.

-----------------------------------

{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}

From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE

-----------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Reply

I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.

Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.

If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.

I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.

Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.

JUAN

-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello my love,

Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.

I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.

You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.

I will see you in my dreams,

Juan

------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia

----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:

You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be

But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia

Oh, Alicia

But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay

{Instrumental}

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Hold on
Oh, Alicia

------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}

from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.

Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.

Take the test.

Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.

Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.

Otherwise, no money.

NO MONEY!

NO MONEY!

I love you with all my heart!

Juan

------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.

http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html

Let me know if you are able to read it.

Juan

{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}

--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}


from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Thanks for the fun my friend!

Good luck with trying to get money from other people.

Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.

Tell "Alicia" I said hi!

Thanks!

HolyJuan

{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}