Dear HolyJuan,
My job has just been made redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (at which point they will be forced to pay me out).
Do you have any suggestions for applications and interviews?
Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment
Dear Desperately Avoiding Employment,
Holy fucking Rosetta Stone! What exactly are you trying to ask? I can barely make it out through the accent. From your e-mail address, I can tell you are from Australia. I went to the Yahoo Babble Fish translation page and tried to get your letter translated from Australian to American, but I couldn’t find the correct settings.
So I did the next closest language which was, of course, Dutch and here is the translation I got:
Dear HolyJuan,
My job has just leg maggot redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (ate which point they will be forced to pay me out).
Do you property any suggestions for applications and interview?
Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment
This was still confusing, which made me realize that Australia was originally one giant walled prison where horrible, awful humans were kept. Everyone knows the worst people in the world are German so I translated from German into American:
Dear HolyJuan,
My job has just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid being off-talk, A of new one internally for the NEXT month (which POINT ate they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).
DO you property any suggestions for applications and interview?
Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment
I made a mathematical assessment of the grammar and realized this needed one final translation: cockney.
Dear 'olyJuan,
Me Uncle Bob there are just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid bein' off-talk, to of new one internally for the NEXT monff (wich POINT ties they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).
For DO yer property any suggestions applications and interview, then, guv?
Sincerely,
Desperately Avoidin' Employment
My reply:
Dear Desperately Avoidin' Employment,
I’d suggest you suck it up for the next month, do your assigned work and punch the clock at the end of the day like every other God-fearing Australian.
And go see a doctor about the maggots. That’s just gross.
Love,
‘olyJuan
Showing posts with label Ask HolyJuan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ask HolyJuan. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Flight Risk Apartment Mate Advice
Dear HolyJuan,
I’m not sure if you know much about renting and deposits, but here is my problem: I have been a good tenant, but my apartment mate has not. Due to some problems that are definitely his fault, he was unable to pay his half of the rent the last two months. I’ve noticed that he has been slowly been removing his stuff from the apartment. He says that he is just cleaning up, but his computer is gone and so are his school books and I think he is going to break the lease.
Is there anything I can do to get him to pay his rent? Should I be afraid of him moving out overnight? I do not care if he is not friends with me after this because I think he’s been peeing on the carpet. I also want my half of the deposit back.
Signed,
Room for rent in Ohio
Dear Room,
You are screwed. This guy is either moving out slowly or he’s selling his crap for crack and sooner or later crack people will steal your shit or kill you. You’ll never see the deposit and you’ll be lucky if your credit isn’t ruined from this asshole bailing on you.
There is only one thing to do: pre-revenge.
Step 1: Eat asparagus, wait thirty minutes, pee on his mattress and flip it over. This is just in case the rest of the steps do not work and at least you’ll feel like you got partial retribution.
Step 2: Buy some cheap lamps and a few False Aralia plants. Set them up in that basement or closet that is not in your room.
FALSE ARALIA PLANT
photo via silkplants.com
Step 3: Call the landlord and tell him/her that you are being called back into the military because of some stopgap measure and that not letting you out of your lease is not only illegal, it’s Un-American, god damnit. When he sheepishly asks for proof, download any military document you can get your hands on, use Photoshop to smudge it and fax it to him eight or nine times in a row. Tell him the fax machine at Fort Bragg is really shitty. He’ll believe you. He has to!
Step 4: Move out quickly. Don’t get your friends involved in the move. Use local laborers at the Home Depot or call LaborReady. Get 15 or so guys and it will take less than ten minutes.
Step 5: Put a string of black cat fireworks in a back room of the apartment with a fuse that is long enough to run out a window.
Step 6: When your apartment mate comes home, call the cops. Say you are a temp worker for LaborReady and that you saw some weed plants in a basement or closet at the apartment you moved some guy out of today.
Step 7: When the cops show up, light the fuse.
Step 8: Your apartment mate will be killed by the cops who think they are being fired on.
Step 9: Move back in and tell your landlord that your platoon received new orders.
Step 10: You will get A’s for the semester because of the death of your apartment mate.
Step 11: Put a ROOMMATE NEEDED ad on Craigslist. Put it in the Casual Encounters section just for fun. You've earned it.
Hope this helps!
HolyJuan
I’m not sure if you know much about renting and deposits, but here is my problem: I have been a good tenant, but my apartment mate has not. Due to some problems that are definitely his fault, he was unable to pay his half of the rent the last two months. I’ve noticed that he has been slowly been removing his stuff from the apartment. He says that he is just cleaning up, but his computer is gone and so are his school books and I think he is going to break the lease.
Is there anything I can do to get him to pay his rent? Should I be afraid of him moving out overnight? I do not care if he is not friends with me after this because I think he’s been peeing on the carpet. I also want my half of the deposit back.
Signed,
Room for rent in Ohio
Dear Room,
You are screwed. This guy is either moving out slowly or he’s selling his crap for crack and sooner or later crack people will steal your shit or kill you. You’ll never see the deposit and you’ll be lucky if your credit isn’t ruined from this asshole bailing on you.
There is only one thing to do: pre-revenge.
Step 1: Eat asparagus, wait thirty minutes, pee on his mattress and flip it over. This is just in case the rest of the steps do not work and at least you’ll feel like you got partial retribution.
Step 2: Buy some cheap lamps and a few False Aralia plants. Set them up in that basement or closet that is not in your room.
FALSE ARALIA PLANT
photo via silkplants.com
Step 3: Call the landlord and tell him/her that you are being called back into the military because of some stopgap measure and that not letting you out of your lease is not only illegal, it’s Un-American, god damnit. When he sheepishly asks for proof, download any military document you can get your hands on, use Photoshop to smudge it and fax it to him eight or nine times in a row. Tell him the fax machine at Fort Bragg is really shitty. He’ll believe you. He has to!
Step 4: Move out quickly. Don’t get your friends involved in the move. Use local laborers at the Home Depot or call LaborReady. Get 15 or so guys and it will take less than ten minutes.
Step 5: Put a string of black cat fireworks in a back room of the apartment with a fuse that is long enough to run out a window.
Step 6: When your apartment mate comes home, call the cops. Say you are a temp worker for LaborReady and that you saw some weed plants in a basement or closet at the apartment you moved some guy out of today.
Step 7: When the cops show up, light the fuse.
Step 8: Your apartment mate will be killed by the cops who think they are being fired on.
Step 9: Move back in and tell your landlord that your platoon received new orders.
Step 10: You will get A’s for the semester because of the death of your apartment mate.
Step 11: Put a ROOMMATE NEEDED ad on Craigslist. Put it in the Casual Encounters section just for fun. You've earned it.
Hope this helps!
HolyJuan
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it
Dear HolyJuan,
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog
Dear HolyJuan,
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Is sex for 30 days straight a good idea?
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hesitant to ask this question, mainly because I know I will get a smart ass answer and secondly because I know I will get a smart ass answer. But here it goes:
A local church here in Tampa is marketing or promoting a "30 Day of Sex" campaign where married parishioners are asked to have sex every day for 30 days and unmarried parishioners are asked to not have sex for 30 days. Somehow this is supposed to help both types of relationships.
Do you feel that this is a positive campaign or is the church just trying to get in the headlines?
Signed,
Chris
Dear Chris,
First off Chris, every single one of my “Ask HolyJuan” answers is carefully crafted to contain relevant content and appropriate language. That being said, here is your smart ass answer.
The answer to all questions church related is to ask yourself, “What Would HolyJuan Do?” Well, shit… I guess that’s what you did by asking me this question in the first place. We’ve got the first part down!
I believe that this is just awful. When I think back to all the times I was in chuch as a child and when I look around in that memory, I see a lot of ugly couples. Now, throw on top of that the thought that when those two really ugly and wrinkly old people woke up that morning, the second thing they did after choking down the day’s pills was to create a sweaty, wrinkle pile. A throbbing mass of liver spotted flesh, writhing in and about itself. The thought of that makes me sick.
The last time I tried something similar to this 30 day sex marathon, it was with gummie bears. My folks gave me what I thought was the greatest gift in the world: a five pound bag of gummie bears. I immediately tore into the bag and that sweet, plastic smell sent me into an eating frenzy. I ate and ate. I paused for an hour and ate again. At first I thought that I couldn’t get sick of them. After two days I did, but I could not stop eating. I’d pass the bag in my room and almost gag, but somehow I’d be popping them in my mouth. I was disgusted with myself, but ate my way through it.
I finished off the bag in about four days. Three weeks later, I finally was able to take a crap and the toilet bowl was filled with Technicolor swirls and streaks. The bathroom smelled like a strip club.
Was I happy? Did over indulgence set me straight? Did I respect the gummie bears more after I stuffed my gullet with them? Did the part about the toilet make you about gag?
So where was I? The moral to the story is that if you can con your spouse into having sex with you for 30 days in a row…. Great! If you can’t, change religions to the one advertised in Tampa or start your own religion and force your spouse to have sex with you. If all that fails… I suggest masturbating to the “casual encounters” photos on Craig’s List. At least someone is getting it.
Yours,
HolyJuan
I am hesitant to ask this question, mainly because I know I will get a smart ass answer and secondly because I know I will get a smart ass answer. But here it goes:
A local church here in Tampa is marketing or promoting a "30 Day of Sex" campaign where married parishioners are asked to have sex every day for 30 days and unmarried parishioners are asked to not have sex for 30 days. Somehow this is supposed to help both types of relationships.
Do you feel that this is a positive campaign or is the church just trying to get in the headlines?
Signed,
Chris
Dear Chris,
First off Chris, every single one of my “Ask HolyJuan” answers is carefully crafted to contain relevant content and appropriate language. That being said, here is your smart ass answer.
The answer to all questions church related is to ask yourself, “What Would HolyJuan Do?” Well, shit… I guess that’s what you did by asking me this question in the first place. We’ve got the first part down!
I believe that this is just awful. When I think back to all the times I was in chuch as a child and when I look around in that memory, I see a lot of ugly couples. Now, throw on top of that the thought that when those two really ugly and wrinkly old people woke up that morning, the second thing they did after choking down the day’s pills was to create a sweaty, wrinkle pile. A throbbing mass of liver spotted flesh, writhing in and about itself. The thought of that makes me sick.
The last time I tried something similar to this 30 day sex marathon, it was with gummie bears. My folks gave me what I thought was the greatest gift in the world: a five pound bag of gummie bears. I immediately tore into the bag and that sweet, plastic smell sent me into an eating frenzy. I ate and ate. I paused for an hour and ate again. At first I thought that I couldn’t get sick of them. After two days I did, but I could not stop eating. I’d pass the bag in my room and almost gag, but somehow I’d be popping them in my mouth. I was disgusted with myself, but ate my way through it.
I finished off the bag in about four days. Three weeks later, I finally was able to take a crap and the toilet bowl was filled with Technicolor swirls and streaks. The bathroom smelled like a strip club.
Was I happy? Did over indulgence set me straight? Did I respect the gummie bears more after I stuffed my gullet with them? Did the part about the toilet make you about gag?
So where was I? The moral to the story is that if you can con your spouse into having sex with you for 30 days in a row…. Great! If you can’t, change religions to the one advertised in Tampa or start your own religion and force your spouse to have sex with you. If all that fails… I suggest masturbating to the “casual encounters” photos on Craig’s List. At least someone is getting it.
Yours,
HolyJuan
Friday, February 08, 2008
How Not to Get Laid
Dear Holy Juan~
I have a male friend who I find very interesting, but not *sleep with* interesting. But I want to go out with him because it would be fun. How can I ask him out for a drink without him thinking that I want to get laid?
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear Wavy Line Marcie,
I am proficient in all fields. I am an expert in several fields. In one field and one field only, I am a Master: Not Getting Laid.
For this letter, your prospective non-date’s name is Carl. (Sorry Carls.)
Step One: Do not say drink in the invitation
Most the time a woman wants to get a drink, she wants to lose her ability to think reasonably and to forget how to keep her pants on. Instead, invite Carl out for lunch or early dinner. Lunch is a definite boner bender. Early dinner suggests you’ve got other people to bang later. I’m not saying you can’t get a drink when you are out, just don’t suggest it in the invite.
Step Two: Call it a meeting
Meetings suck the life out of anyone. No one gets laid at a meeting. When you invite Carl to lunch, say you want to discuss a specific topic that does not include ex-boyfriends. Architecture and retirement are great topics to keep Carl from boning up. Again, you don’t have to discuss that at lunch, but it will keep Carl’s expectations at a bare minimum.
Step Three: Schedule a gynecologist visit right before your meeting
You are weak and might fuck Carl despite your attempt to con me into thinking you don’t want to. As a back up, schedule a Pap or a regular gyno visit right before your meeting with Carl. This will destroy any chance of you wanting to get busy. Ensure you mention that you are late to the lunch because of the gyno appointment and, for added realism, let a speculum fall out of your purse and on to the table. Follow that up with a, “So that’s where that went.”
Step Four: Order Wings
Wings are greasy, disgusting and delicious. A chick eating wings is hot only is she is eating them off your chest during sex. Watching you suck down twelve, greasy wings will turn Carl off. If he starts to get excited watching you lick the sauce off your fingers, remember to mention that wings give you the shits.
Step Five: Burning Itch
Scratch a lot. Complain of burning while you pee. Ask Carl what has been happening in local politics since you’ve been overseas in Thailand.
Step Six: Dutch
Splitting the bill is the universal sign that no one is getting laid. If Carl insists on paying, wait until he hands the waiter his credit card and say your good-bye, insisting that you are about to have a blow-out from the wings tearing through your intestines. If he pays in cash and tells the waiter to keep the change, ask him in a loud voice how his counterfeiting operation is doing. Sneak out when the manager comes to the table.
Step Seven: Fuck him
Oh well. At least you gave it your best shot.
I have a male friend who I find very interesting, but not *sleep with* interesting. But I want to go out with him because it would be fun. How can I ask him out for a drink without him thinking that I want to get laid?
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear Wavy Line Marcie,
I am proficient in all fields. I am an expert in several fields. In one field and one field only, I am a Master: Not Getting Laid.
For this letter, your prospective non-date’s name is Carl. (Sorry Carls.)
Step One: Do not say drink in the invitation
Most the time a woman wants to get a drink, she wants to lose her ability to think reasonably and to forget how to keep her pants on. Instead, invite Carl out for lunch or early dinner. Lunch is a definite boner bender. Early dinner suggests you’ve got other people to bang later. I’m not saying you can’t get a drink when you are out, just don’t suggest it in the invite.
Step Two: Call it a meeting
Meetings suck the life out of anyone. No one gets laid at a meeting. When you invite Carl to lunch, say you want to discuss a specific topic that does not include ex-boyfriends. Architecture and retirement are great topics to keep Carl from boning up. Again, you don’t have to discuss that at lunch, but it will keep Carl’s expectations at a bare minimum.
Step Three: Schedule a gynecologist visit right before your meeting
You are weak and might fuck Carl despite your attempt to con me into thinking you don’t want to. As a back up, schedule a Pap or a regular gyno visit right before your meeting with Carl. This will destroy any chance of you wanting to get busy. Ensure you mention that you are late to the lunch because of the gyno appointment and, for added realism, let a speculum fall out of your purse and on to the table. Follow that up with a, “So that’s where that went.”
Step Four: Order Wings
Wings are greasy, disgusting and delicious. A chick eating wings is hot only is she is eating them off your chest during sex. Watching you suck down twelve, greasy wings will turn Carl off. If he starts to get excited watching you lick the sauce off your fingers, remember to mention that wings give you the shits.
Step Five: Burning Itch
Scratch a lot. Complain of burning while you pee. Ask Carl what has been happening in local politics since you’ve been overseas in Thailand.
Step Six: Dutch
Splitting the bill is the universal sign that no one is getting laid. If Carl insists on paying, wait until he hands the waiter his credit card and say your good-bye, insisting that you are about to have a blow-out from the wings tearing through your intestines. If he pays in cash and tells the waiter to keep the change, ask him in a loud voice how his counterfeiting operation is doing. Sneak out when the manager comes to the table.
Step Seven: Fuck him
Oh well. At least you gave it your best shot.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food
Dear Holy Juan~
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette
Dear Holy Juan~
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Friday, January 18, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ask HolyJuan: Drinking at Work
Well, well, well… a reader has taken up my Ask HolyJuan challenge and I received the following e-mail from her:
Hi Holy Juan~
Since you were asking for questions, perhaps you can provide me with answers. I noticed you were good at providing advice on masking things...such as gayness....so I figured you would probably have expert advice for my question as well. What I really want to know is, how can I drink on the job without my boss knowing that I am drinking on the job?
I eagerly wait your advice.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
PS....No....I don't have a problem! I can quit anytime. Really. (**hiccup!**)
Well ~Marcie, you have come to the right place. If there is one thing I know about, it’s drinking. And if there is one place I do it all the time, it’s at work. Let me share my secrets with you.
Most my co-workers and I drink 8 to 25 cups of coffee a day. Coffee has caffeine in it, which is a pretend drug, but a drug none the less. Alcohol is a drug and there is no reason you should not be able to supplement your coffee drug with an alcohol drug. As a matter of fact, both proposals and grant submissions become increasingly easier to write and inevitably more readable when you drink alcohol. If you work on an assembly line, you’ll find the conversation with the ketchup bottles passing you by on the conveyor belt are much more interesting after a couple of drinks. And sticking your arm in the labeling machine doesn’t hurt as much either. Your real question though was how to get away with drinking at work and I’ve got three sure fire methods:
1. Hide the alcohol out in the open
The best place to hide your booze is in a professionally mounted, “bronzed” bottle on a trophy stand with a plaque that reads, “My last drink was May 12th, 2002. One Day At A Time.” No one will ever suspect and if you get caught holding the bottle, make up an AA excuse like, “My sponsor said I should whisper my sins to the end of the bottle.” You might also want to get a bronzed cup, bronzed coke can and bronzed slice of lime.
2. Hide the alcohol in a cool, secreted place
Say you’re a beer drinker and you like your work brew sorta cold. I’ve got a place that will keep your beer kinda cold, allow you to drink in private, and no one will suspect a thing. Buy a six pack of 16oz tall boys and hide them in the back tank of the toilet in the bathroom. The water in the tank will keep them cool and you can sit in private and knock back a mostly cold one. BONUS – Pee while drinking your beer and get bonus points for multi-tasking. Loud grunting and farting noises will cover up the sound of you crushing the can.
3. Hide the booze in someone else’s desk
You’ll want to split a bottle up over several desks so that you will always have a source. Use water bottles for the clear liquors and root beer bottles for the browns. Hide the faux bottles in the files where they will never look like the “To Do” file or “Ameriaflora 2010.” When you need a drink, wait for your collogue to slip off to a meeting or the bathroom. Now sneak in and sip, sip, sip. Keep a nerf ball in your hand and if you get caught in their cubicle, slip the ball out and yell, “Here it is! Game on!” and run towards the Marketing Department.
Well ~Marcie, I hope this helps. And just remember, drinking isn’t a problem… it’s a challenge.
{Check out Marcie at dogsdontpurr.com. She paints with her boobies!}
Hi Holy Juan~
Since you were asking for questions, perhaps you can provide me with answers. I noticed you were good at providing advice on masking things...such as gayness....so I figured you would probably have expert advice for my question as well. What I really want to know is, how can I drink on the job without my boss knowing that I am drinking on the job?
I eagerly wait your advice.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
PS....No....I don't have a problem! I can quit anytime. Really. (**hiccup!**)
Well ~Marcie, you have come to the right place. If there is one thing I know about, it’s drinking. And if there is one place I do it all the time, it’s at work. Let me share my secrets with you.
Most my co-workers and I drink 8 to 25 cups of coffee a day. Coffee has caffeine in it, which is a pretend drug, but a drug none the less. Alcohol is a drug and there is no reason you should not be able to supplement your coffee drug with an alcohol drug. As a matter of fact, both proposals and grant submissions become increasingly easier to write and inevitably more readable when you drink alcohol. If you work on an assembly line, you’ll find the conversation with the ketchup bottles passing you by on the conveyor belt are much more interesting after a couple of drinks. And sticking your arm in the labeling machine doesn’t hurt as much either. Your real question though was how to get away with drinking at work and I’ve got three sure fire methods:
1. Hide the alcohol out in the open
The best place to hide your booze is in a professionally mounted, “bronzed” bottle on a trophy stand with a plaque that reads, “My last drink was May 12th, 2002. One Day At A Time.” No one will ever suspect and if you get caught holding the bottle, make up an AA excuse like, “My sponsor said I should whisper my sins to the end of the bottle.” You might also want to get a bronzed cup, bronzed coke can and bronzed slice of lime.
2. Hide the alcohol in a cool, secreted place
Say you’re a beer drinker and you like your work brew sorta cold. I’ve got a place that will keep your beer kinda cold, allow you to drink in private, and no one will suspect a thing. Buy a six pack of 16oz tall boys and hide them in the back tank of the toilet in the bathroom. The water in the tank will keep them cool and you can sit in private and knock back a mostly cold one. BONUS – Pee while drinking your beer and get bonus points for multi-tasking. Loud grunting and farting noises will cover up the sound of you crushing the can.
3. Hide the booze in someone else’s desk
You’ll want to split a bottle up over several desks so that you will always have a source. Use water bottles for the clear liquors and root beer bottles for the browns. Hide the faux bottles in the files where they will never look like the “To Do” file or “Ameriaflora 2010.” When you need a drink, wait for your collogue to slip off to a meeting or the bathroom. Now sneak in and sip, sip, sip. Keep a nerf ball in your hand and if you get caught in their cubicle, slip the ball out and yell, “Here it is! Game on!” and run towards the Marketing Department.
Well ~Marcie, I hope this helps. And just remember, drinking isn’t a problem… it’s a challenge.
{Check out Marcie at dogsdontpurr.com. She paints with her boobies!}
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Are you a gay dude? Use these methods to convince others you are straight!
I do not believe there is any way to “de-gay” yourself, so you better get used to it. But there are several ways to mask your gay so that your friends and family will think you are straight. I have several friends who are closeted gays and I have helped them to sequester themselves way in the back behind the luggage and the backup ironing board. So with the assumption that you are a gay dude, here are ten ways to mask your man gay:
Become a religious leader
No one would ever suspect that a religious leader would be gay. This identity will allow you to hide your sexuality AND persecute others who are brave enough to live their lives. Be careful about over persecution… we all know what confessional those guys are kneeling at.
Wear Wranglers
Gay guys would not be caught dead in Wranglers. Even the guys in Brokeback Mountain wore vintage Lee jeans. Wranglers are straight man camouflage.
Build “Ships in a Bottle”
This isn’t gay, it’s just odd. Concerned family members might attempt to get you dates or involved in social clubs, but they will never suspect your sexuality.
Drive a bland, American car
Nothing screams gay like a man driving a 2004, yellow VW bug. Hide yourself behind the wheel of a 2002 Ford Focus. No air freshener or fuzzy dice. A dashboard compass will enhance the illusion. Make sure there are fast food wrappers on the floor and the maps should be folded incorrectly.
Don’t eat sushi, calamari or plantains
Those foods sound gay to the uninformed. Also, be careful at Asian restaurants. One order of Moo Goo Gai Pan and your work buddies might start asking questions. General Tso’s Chicken is a sure bet, straight man’s food. Just make sure you mispronounce the Tso part.
Keep your cash folded lengthwise
By keeping your cash folded lengthwise, everyone will assume that you have been or are going to the nudie bar. When you do pay with cash, tuck the bill into the cashier’s waistband. If it’s a guy cashier, smell the bill as you hand it over and say, “Smells like cotton candy my friend. That’s the one that almost got away.”
Hang out at the hardware store
CAREFUL! As many gay men read my website, you may all pack up, head out the door en mass and end up clustering in the plumbing isle. Spread out. Don’t look at the cabinetry or the appliances. Stick with hand tools or hinges. When a friendly customer service person asks if you need help, reply loudly, “What? You think I’m gay or something?”
Don’t have an opinion
At parties, especially during an election year, political and social debate may arise and you might be confronted with a question about same sex marriage or gay parent adoption rights. It’s best to curl your lip, act kind of squeamish and say, “I don’t really have an opinion.” You may think that gay-bashing is in order at this time, but I think we all know that those who bash the loudest are over compensating.
Talk about how great a president Ronald Regan was
Simple. Easy. 100% effective. Again, you need to walk a careful line on this one. Don’t talk about Nancy’s clothes or how rugged Ron was in his earlier years. Drop “Cold War” a few times and how disappointed Regan was that he never got to nuke the shit out of anyone. Just shake your head and mumble, “Good ole days.”
Have sex with women
I know it’s gross… but sometimes desperate times call for drastic measures.
Become a religious leader
No one would ever suspect that a religious leader would be gay. This identity will allow you to hide your sexuality AND persecute others who are brave enough to live their lives. Be careful about over persecution… we all know what confessional those guys are kneeling at.
Wear Wranglers
Gay guys would not be caught dead in Wranglers. Even the guys in Brokeback Mountain wore vintage Lee jeans. Wranglers are straight man camouflage.
Build “Ships in a Bottle”
This isn’t gay, it’s just odd. Concerned family members might attempt to get you dates or involved in social clubs, but they will never suspect your sexuality.
Drive a bland, American car
Nothing screams gay like a man driving a 2004, yellow VW bug. Hide yourself behind the wheel of a 2002 Ford Focus. No air freshener or fuzzy dice. A dashboard compass will enhance the illusion. Make sure there are fast food wrappers on the floor and the maps should be folded incorrectly.
Don’t eat sushi, calamari or plantains
Those foods sound gay to the uninformed. Also, be careful at Asian restaurants. One order of Moo Goo Gai Pan and your work buddies might start asking questions. General Tso’s Chicken is a sure bet, straight man’s food. Just make sure you mispronounce the Tso part.
Keep your cash folded lengthwise
By keeping your cash folded lengthwise, everyone will assume that you have been or are going to the nudie bar. When you do pay with cash, tuck the bill into the cashier’s waistband. If it’s a guy cashier, smell the bill as you hand it over and say, “Smells like cotton candy my friend. That’s the one that almost got away.”
Hang out at the hardware store
CAREFUL! As many gay men read my website, you may all pack up, head out the door en mass and end up clustering in the plumbing isle. Spread out. Don’t look at the cabinetry or the appliances. Stick with hand tools or hinges. When a friendly customer service person asks if you need help, reply loudly, “What? You think I’m gay or something?”
Don’t have an opinion
At parties, especially during an election year, political and social debate may arise and you might be confronted with a question about same sex marriage or gay parent adoption rights. It’s best to curl your lip, act kind of squeamish and say, “I don’t really have an opinion.” You may think that gay-bashing is in order at this time, but I think we all know that those who bash the loudest are over compensating.
Talk about how great a president Ronald Regan was
Simple. Easy. 100% effective. Again, you need to walk a careful line on this one. Don’t talk about Nancy’s clothes or how rugged Ron was in his earlier years. Drop “Cold War” a few times and how disappointed Regan was that he never got to nuke the shit out of anyone. Just shake your head and mumble, “Good ole days.”
Have sex with women
I know it’s gross… but sometimes desperate times call for drastic measures.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Ask HolyJuan: The Perfect Job
Dear Holy Juan,
You seem to be all knowing, so tell me, how can I find the perfect job that pays great, the people are friendly, office politics don't exist, the commute is short, the hours are 10 to 5p and the dress code is casual?
Thanks for your insight!
Desperately Seeking Employment
Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,
First off, let me console you on the loss of your job at the Baby Seal Fur Processing Facility #23. I know you started as a humble Club Duller and worked your way up to Club Duller 3.
It’s tough finding the PERFECT job. But I can help you. Let’s look at you "perfect" job specifics:
1. Pays Great
I assume you will be wanting to make $100,000 plus a year.
2. Friendly People
This is impossible, so you will need to work alone or have your personality removed.
3. No office politics
Again, work alone.
4. Short commute
A short commute to me means about 45 – 60 seconds.
5. Hours are 10 – 5
A seven hour work day? Don’t kid yourself. Most people only get in 4 – 5 hours of office face time and two of that is lunch and coffee breaks. Subtract internet surfing and most people work about 30 minutes a day. Well mark you down from 2:00pm – 2:30pm.
6. Casual Dress Code
To me, casual is nude.
OK. Let’s throw all these variables into the HolyJuan Career-o-Matic and see what it spits out.
(chink-a-chink-a-chink-a-chink)
YOUR CAREER **BLOGGER**
Awesome! That’s my career too!
Good luck with that and let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.
Send all "Ask HolyJuan" questions to holyjuan@gmail.com
You seem to be all knowing, so tell me, how can I find the perfect job that pays great, the people are friendly, office politics don't exist, the commute is short, the hours are 10 to 5p and the dress code is casual?
Thanks for your insight!
Desperately Seeking Employment
Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,
First off, let me console you on the loss of your job at the Baby Seal Fur Processing Facility #23. I know you started as a humble Club Duller and worked your way up to Club Duller 3.
It’s tough finding the PERFECT job. But I can help you. Let’s look at you "perfect" job specifics:
1. Pays Great
I assume you will be wanting to make $100,000 plus a year.
2. Friendly People
This is impossible, so you will need to work alone or have your personality removed.
3. No office politics
Again, work alone.
4. Short commute
A short commute to me means about 45 – 60 seconds.
5. Hours are 10 – 5
A seven hour work day? Don’t kid yourself. Most people only get in 4 – 5 hours of office face time and two of that is lunch and coffee breaks. Subtract internet surfing and most people work about 30 minutes a day. Well mark you down from 2:00pm – 2:30pm.
6. Casual Dress Code
To me, casual is nude.
OK. Let’s throw all these variables into the HolyJuan Career-o-Matic and see what it spits out.
(chink-a-chink-a-chink-a-chink)
YOUR CAREER **BLOGGER**
Awesome! That’s my career too!
Good luck with that and let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.
Send all "Ask HolyJuan" questions to holyjuan@gmail.com
Monday, July 23, 2007
Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca
Dear HolyJuan,
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
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