Showing posts with label parking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parking. Show all posts

Ask HolyJuan: Neighbors Park on Our Side of the Street

Dear Holy Juan,

I have a little dilemma that needs to be handled with tact.

Our new neighbors keep parking their car in front of our house. We both have garages. We both have driveways. We both have the same amount of curb space. But they put their car in front of our house. They park in such a way that it takes up the space where two cars could fit. Of course, it also blocks our view, and our guests are forced to park far away.

Well, of course, our guests could park in front of their house. I've told a few friends to do this. They said our neighbors were outside at the time and glared at them as they got out of the car and walked over to our house.

I don't know what action to take. I thought of leaving a note, but I don't know what to say.

These neighbors are new to this country, and they kind of keep to themselves. I don't want to cause offense. I just want them to move their car!

--- Kristen

Dear --- Kristen,

I have a plan.

I’m assuming that your new neighbors are French because they sound like real assholes.

You may want a pen to write this down. Or I guess you could just print it.

First, you will need to get a cat. If you have one, great. If you do not, even better because cats are horrible pets. I have two and I would give you both of them for this if I had the chance. So if you do not have a cat, borrow one.

Now, you are going to need to find a dead cat that looks like your cat / your borrowed cat. They are all over the place so just get a cooler, some dry ice and put the dead cat in the cooler for transportation back to your freezer. Make sure it’s really dead or you’ll be really mad at yourself when that little fucker leaps out of the cooler and tears your eyes out.

Next, you’ll want to go to the neighbor’s house with the live cat in hand. Knock on the door and tell them that you saw them almost run over your cat when they parked in front of your house. Ask them if they would park on their side to avoid killing your cat. At this point, if they truly are French, they will ignore you.

The next time they park in your spot, thaw out the dead cat in the microwave (you may want to put some paper towels down) and then put the dead cat under their front wheel. Make sure you take lots of photos. Then go to their door and accuse them of killing your cat.

When they go to examine the dead cat, hit the red button on the remote control that detonates the explosive charge that you hid inside the dead cat’s body. Hopefully you’ll have used enough C4 to both kill the car owner and blow the car over on to their side of the street.

My work here is done.

Best of luck with the Frenchies!


The old man note

While in Chicago this weekend, Eric shared with us a story about this note:

Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.

When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.

I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."

Red Parked Better

We went to lunch at the Asian buffet today. There isn't any quicker physical turn around than going from starving to the bowel hiccupping, sick that this buffet induces. Still, we go once every two weeks. Time heals all wounds.

As we went in today, I noticed a blue SUV attempting to use the four wheel drive the guy paid an extra 4K for with the Avenger Package.

Looks like you almost got to the top of Everest there Mallory.

Two plates of non-MSG infused batter and sticky rice later, we came out to find blue SUV had left and Red SUV parked in his place.

Red parked better.