In 1987, Oral Roberts announced that if he did not raise 8 million dollars by March 1st, 1987, god would “call him home” or die as you and I might phrase it.
Oral Roberts did indeed raise 8 million dollars. In fact, he raised 9.1 million dollars.
8, 325 days later, Oral Roberts was called home. For 9.1 million dollars, he was allowed to live an additional 22 years, 9 months and 14 days.
If you do the math, that makes it a cool $1,093.09 per day the he walked this Earth after the payment was negotiated. That also makes it $45.55 per hour (sans overtime) or $0.75 a minute or $0.012 per second.
Somehow this means that I owe god $15,802,802.00 for my time on Earth. I hope there is a payment plan in hell.
Reflection Fail
My buddy Smail caught this reflection fail in a Macy's elevator in Louisiana.
Though I like the sound of a horror flick, "The Eight Faces of Miranda."
Though I like the sound of a horror flick, "The Eight Faces of Miranda."
Your Own Kung-Fu Script
Do you like King-Fu movies? Sure, we all do!
Write your own script here at http://www.onlyknives.com/diy-kung-fu-movie-script/. It's kinda like MadLibs and a little like guy-with-a-knife-site-randomly-sends-you-a-link. Both which are cool.
Write your own script here at http://www.onlyknives.com/diy-kung-fu-movie-script/. It's kinda like MadLibs and a little like guy-with-a-knife-site-randomly-sends-you-a-link. Both which are cool.
Ohio Court Pays $2,500 a Day for Black Man to have White Man Make-up
LANCASTER OH (HJ) – Trevor R. Smoot, 38, was picked up for attempted burglary on October 21st. Before his appearance at the Fairfield County Courthouse, his defense attorney demanded that Smoot be given an opportunity for a completely fair trial in front of an all white jury. To this end, the lawyer requested that Smoot, a black man, be allowed to wear make-up that made him look like a white man. The court reluctantly agreed, but found itself in a bit of a legal loophole that requires the court to pay for any necessary accommodations for “mei capilli sunt flagrantes” or fair trial without cost.
Recently, Florida murder suspect and neo-Nazi John Ditullio found himself in a similar situation. Every day before court, he spent the hour before his trial in a $125 makeup session, paid for courtesy of the state. His make-up was to cover up Nazi tattoos on his face and neck. Smoot’s lawyer sought the same type of make-up to protect his client from the possible racism of an all-white jury.
At a cost of $2,500 per day, a special trailer has been brought in that houses his make-up artist and the special tools needed to turn Mr. Smoot into a white man. Del Donkins, special effects and make-up artist has worked on such films as “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” and “Shaving Ryan’s Privates.” Mr. Smoot arrived on the first day of trial at 4:30am to begin his make-up session. In about four hours the transformation was complete. To the unknowing jury, he would look just like an every day, ordinary white man.
In the courtroom, as the prosecutor began to present his case, there was a rumbling amongst the jury. Judge Frank Masterson called for order and the foreman was brought to the bench. A few minutes later the foreman returned to the jury box and announced that the jury could never find such an innocent looking man guilty and asked that all charges be dropped. The judge had no other recourse but to drop the charges.
Here is Mr. Smoot’s reaction to the jury’s decision.
Recently, Florida murder suspect and neo-Nazi John Ditullio found himself in a similar situation. Every day before court, he spent the hour before his trial in a $125 makeup session, paid for courtesy of the state. His make-up was to cover up Nazi tattoos on his face and neck. Smoot’s lawyer sought the same type of make-up to protect his client from the possible racism of an all-white jury.
At a cost of $2,500 per day, a special trailer has been brought in that houses his make-up artist and the special tools needed to turn Mr. Smoot into a white man. Del Donkins, special effects and make-up artist has worked on such films as “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” and “Shaving Ryan’s Privates.” Mr. Smoot arrived on the first day of trial at 4:30am to begin his make-up session. In about four hours the transformation was complete. To the unknowing jury, he would look just like an every day, ordinary white man.
In the courtroom, as the prosecutor began to present his case, there was a rumbling amongst the jury. Judge Frank Masterson called for order and the foreman was brought to the bench. A few minutes later the foreman returned to the jury box and announced that the jury could never find such an innocent looking man guilty and asked that all charges be dropped. The judge had no other recourse but to drop the charges.
Here is Mr. Smoot’s reaction to the jury’s decision.
What else can you trim?
My favorite beauty medicine doctor had another great (horrific) ad in the local free paper:
I thought that perhaps there could be something trimmed around the holidays besides the tree, so I fixed the ad for her:
Honed for the holidays!
But now I'm kinda grossed out by what the white specks could be.
I thought that perhaps there could be something trimmed around the holidays besides the tree, so I fixed the ad for her:
Honed for the holidays!
But now I'm kinda grossed out by what the white specks could be.
Thanks for the Discount
Dave, his two brothers and I went in together to give money to a charity. I paid on my credit card and all but one of those jerks has paid up. Here is a close up of the check for $37.50 that Dave sent me.
Poor Guy Was Just Looking For An Opinion
Well, at least he didn't have to go too far for his booking.
Cody Fucked Up
A girl at work receives the Despair Inc catalog at work. They've got some fun products.
She showed me the back of the catalog today. Big address sticker at the top covering a photo and the usual address area at the bottom had text in it.
Looks like Cody fucked up.
She showed me the back of the catalog today. Big address sticker at the top covering a photo and the usual address area at the bottom had text in it.
Looks like Cody fucked up.
Greg Learned How to Write
You might remember my "Stay Out Daddy" post where I tricked Greg into turning his requested door sign into something else.
Well, Greg has learned to spell. Here is his newest sign:
And a scan...
The gist of the sign is that you have to pay to get into his room. There are varied charges based on some level of Evil scale which I still have not figured out.
Smart kid.
Well, Greg has learned to spell. Here is his newest sign:
And a scan...
The gist of the sign is that you have to pay to get into his room. There are varied charges based on some level of Evil scale which I still have not figured out.
Smart kid.
My Beef with Van de Kamp's Fish
We bought this box of 10 Van de Kamp's Crispy Fish Fillets.
What's nice about this package of frozen fish parts is that they come individually wrapped in pairs so that you do not throw 2/5th of the box back in the freezer and have to deal with freezer burn and malicious odors.
Except they do not come in pairs. All the frozen fish corpses were stuck in the same plastic bag with no high tech way of sealing back up. The package clearly shows a pair in a bag. I assumed there would be five bags of two.
So I cooked the whole fucking box.
And I almost fell prey to the oldest cooking instructions trick in the book...
Remember to always read all the instructions before cooking. I usually go step by step which would be to bake uncovered for 28 - 30 minutes. Then I would see the "flip" instruction. These instructions should read "Cook 14 minutes. Turn. Cook for 14 - 20 more minutes, dumbass."
What's nice about this package of frozen fish parts is that they come individually wrapped in pairs so that you do not throw 2/5th of the box back in the freezer and have to deal with freezer burn and malicious odors.
Except they do not come in pairs. All the frozen fish corpses were stuck in the same plastic bag with no high tech way of sealing back up. The package clearly shows a pair in a bag. I assumed there would be five bags of two.
So I cooked the whole fucking box.
And I almost fell prey to the oldest cooking instructions trick in the book...
Remember to always read all the instructions before cooking. I usually go step by step which would be to bake uncovered for 28 - 30 minutes. Then I would see the "flip" instruction. These instructions should read "Cook 14 minutes. Turn. Cook for 14 - 20 more minutes, dumbass."
This Is My Suitcase’s “The Keys To Cat Heaven”
Once again I find myself reviewing music when I have no cognitive capacitance to do such things. Here I go:
I downloaded This Is My Suitcase’s “The Keys To Cat Heaven” and it pretty much rocks. I love this stuff. It is an extremely light album with no heavy bullshit. Interesting lyrics. Musically complex with simplistic instruments.
I’m sure they will kick my ass when I suggest that their music stylings are like bit like an angsty Tiny Tim meets a pre-pubescent Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s with a cat on a Möbius strip leash. Of course, I’ve seen the lead singer at a few shows and he isn’t going to kick anyone’s ass though the guitarist is a big dude and might pummel the likes of me for kicks.
All I know is that when I listen to the album it makes me happy. Dead fish and all.
Check ‘um out at http://www.myspace.com/thisismysuitcase
Buy an album here
@suitcaseband
Facebook
I downloaded This Is My Suitcase’s “The Keys To Cat Heaven” and it pretty much rocks. I love this stuff. It is an extremely light album with no heavy bullshit. Interesting lyrics. Musically complex with simplistic instruments.
I’m sure they will kick my ass when I suggest that their music stylings are like bit like an angsty Tiny Tim meets a pre-pubescent Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s with a cat on a Möbius strip leash. Of course, I’ve seen the lead singer at a few shows and he isn’t going to kick anyone’s ass though the guitarist is a big dude and might pummel the likes of me for kicks.
All I know is that when I listen to the album it makes me happy. Dead fish and all.
Check ‘um out at http://www.myspace.com/thisismysuitcase
Buy an album here
@suitcaseband
Vampire Test T-shirt
Are you a vampire? Curious? This helpful t-shirt can determine whether you are a vampire or not!
Click on the photo to buy it from Skreened.com!
Click on the photo to buy it from Skreened.com!
Google Wave for an Ask HolyJuan
Are you interested in a Google Wave invite?
Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.
I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.
Thanks for playing.
holyjuan@gmail.com
Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.
I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.
Thanks for playing.
holyjuan@gmail.com
Local Church to Hand out Hams
COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – For a few of central Ohio’s needy, the holidays will be a little bit less hungry. Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” will be handing out over 200 hams to those who are in need. Food hand outs started back in 2005 when Pastor Phelps took over for the ailing Pastor Riffic. Pastor Phelps recalled, “We had about 50 people come to the church when we were handing out turkeys. Since then, the demand has grown and we are pleased to serve our Christian community.”
The church does not force people to be part of their congregation to receive the free ham. Pastor Phelps explains, “While we do not discriminate against non-church goers, we did switch from giving away turkeys to giving away hams in 2008 so that we would not get any hungry Muslims or Jews. We want to help as many Christians as possible, so the ham seems to keep the others away.” When asked if needy atheists would be turned away, Pastor Phelps laughed, “We’ll feed the Godless, too. Maybe when they see how generous and kind we are, they will change their ways.”
Ham handouts will continue through the end of the year.
The church does not force people to be part of their congregation to receive the free ham. Pastor Phelps explains, “While we do not discriminate against non-church goers, we did switch from giving away turkeys to giving away hams in 2008 so that we would not get any hungry Muslims or Jews. We want to help as many Christians as possible, so the ham seems to keep the others away.” When asked if needy atheists would be turned away, Pastor Phelps laughed, “We’ll feed the Godless, too. Maybe when they see how generous and kind we are, they will change their ways.”
Ham handouts will continue through the end of the year.
Pathetic Attempt at Political Graffiti
The message might be dead on, but I do not know what the message is supposed to be.
Large Hadron Collider Warning Sign Translation
In Boston.com there was a beautiful photo spread of the Large Hadron Collider.
One of the photos looked like this:
(Maximilien Brice; Claudia Marcelloni, © CERN)
There is a curious sign at the top of the tunnel that looks like this:
In the article they say, "The sign at top warns of the presence of helium, argon and/or nitrogen in nearby pipes - gases that (if they leaked out) could displace oxygen and cause unconsciousness."
But I think it means the following:
One of the photos looked like this:
(Maximilien Brice; Claudia Marcelloni, © CERN)
There is a curious sign at the top of the tunnel that looks like this:
In the article they say, "The sign at top warns of the presence of helium, argon and/or nitrogen in nearby pipes - gases that (if they leaked out) could displace oxygen and cause unconsciousness."
But I think it means the following:
Twitter takes care of that pesky Jesus question
I was trying to be funny when I wrote the following on Twitter concerning @Allah and @Jesus.
I then thought that maybe I should check to see if @Jesus even exists. When you click on his name, this is what you get:
I guess that answers that!
I then thought that maybe I should check to see if @Jesus even exists. When you click on his name, this is what you get:
I guess that answers that!
What to do with $15,000 stolen tax dollars
1. Buy a $15,000 car.
2. Pay lawyer to fight my case against IRS
3. $14,950 worth of ones and use the left over $50 to buy a one dollar bill folding machine
4. $7,500 of vinegar and $7,500 worth of baking soda
5. Buy 517 copies of Sarah Palin's book and use the leftover $12.17 for gasoline and matches
6. Buy a 60 ton Swedish Fish
7. Get 15,000 40oz-ers and make 5000 bums happy for the night
8. Invest in a better website designer. Possibly hire a real writer.
9. Get someone to do P-Dub's homework
10. Pay off credit card, pay off mini van, and use the left over $50 to buy TurboTax 2009.
2. Pay lawyer to fight my case against IRS
3. $14,950 worth of ones and use the left over $50 to buy a one dollar bill folding machine
4. $7,500 of vinegar and $7,500 worth of baking soda
5. Buy 517 copies of Sarah Palin's book and use the leftover $12.17 for gasoline and matches
6. Buy a 60 ton Swedish Fish
7. Get 15,000 40oz-ers and make 5000 bums happy for the night
8. Invest in a better website designer. Possibly hire a real writer.
9. Get someone to do P-Dub's homework
10. Pay off credit card, pay off mini van, and use the left over $50 to buy TurboTax 2009.
Board Game Conundrums
No one is really sorry in Sorry!
You can't use the word Scrabble in Scrabble
There are really no monopolies in Monopoly
The Game of Life lacks any death
All the checkers are separated in Connect Four
There is no real candy in Candy Land
Brainstorm is actually well planned out
No one gets in trouble in Trouble
The whole concept behind Don’t Break the Ice is to break the ice
Risk is one army vs twenty; no one ever risks in Risk
Can you think of any more? (Sorry, I had to turn off comments due to spamming.)
You can't use the word Scrabble in Scrabble
There are really no monopolies in Monopoly
The Game of Life lacks any death
All the checkers are separated in Connect Four
There is no real candy in Candy Land
Brainstorm is actually well planned out
No one gets in trouble in Trouble
The whole concept behind Don’t Break the Ice is to break the ice
Risk is one army vs twenty; no one ever risks in Risk
Can you think of any more? (Sorry, I had to turn off comments due to spamming.)
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