Braces
Well, we scrimped and we saved and finally we were able to buy braces for my teeth. We paid extra to get the Paul Walls.
How to steal your best friend’s girlfriend
So your best friend has a smoking hot girlfriend and you want her? I can help. Stealing a girlfriend is a delicate operation, but if done correctly, can yield awesome results. Here are some options for the deed.
1. Change him into a girl
Liberal doses of estrogen in your friend’s food, in combination with an order of “Nueva” onion rings, will usually achieve the desired results in 3 – 4 weeks. As soon as he starts ordering Appletinis, spotting between periods, watching “The Prince of Tides” and developing 36B man-boobs, his girlfriend will have no choice but to turn to a real man.
2. Turn him in to the cops for the meth lab in his basement
Even if he doesn’t have a meth lab, you can slap one together with a coffee maker, some rubber tubing and a can of Zud. Leave those items in his house and spread around four or five boxes of decongestant. Call the cops and tell them you are a neighbor and you smell something funny coming from his house. As he’s being dragged away screaming his innocence, wrap your arm around his girl and whisper that the first stage is denial.
3. Get him addicted to drugs
The most powerful addictions are the unknown ones. Replace his sugar with cocaine. Sprinkle crack in his oatmeal. Inject meth into his eggs. Over the course of five or six breakfasts, he’ll find himself craving shredded wheat with extra sugar and raw eggs. As he becomes despondent to the other two meals of the day and his girlfriend, console her with lunch dates.
4. Talk them into a threesome
Every dude who has a friend with a hot girlfriend is willing to risk the dangers of the 2 guys on 1 chick threesome. If you can get them drunk enough to agree to a “Catch 22” threesome, you are halfway there. The next day, ensure you mention the night before at least thirty seven times. Repeat over the next week. Be sure to mention that the sex with his girl was great and that she was loving every second (literally) of your loving. Be sure to describe how his girl seemed to really like the night and that you would never let your girl bang another guy and wonder out loud how many other times she has done that. Soon doubt will begin to form in his mind and he’ll start to question the relationship. Wait two weeks and make your move.
5. Convince her he is gay
Every man may not question his sexuality, but every guy’s friend will call in to question his sexual alignment at least three of four times a day. While usually done jokingly, if subtly done in front of the girlfriend, seeds of doubt can be sewn. Leave issues of Men’s Health laying around his apartment with post-it notes on the half naked men pages. Leave Depeche Mode CDs at his desk and sneak ABBA and WHAM! on to his iPod. When he’s not around, ask the girlfriend why best friend has been sneaking out to the local goth bar. Leave a copy of Broke Back Mountain in the DVD player. The final straw should be strategically placed ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” Leave them on the dryer with an opened MAGNUM condom wrapper. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you’ll be available after your time at the greyhound rehabilitation volunteer shift.
6. Convince him to enlist
The best way to approach this is to suggest you enlist together. Talk about the adventures you’ll have overseas and the foreign chicks you will bang. On the day the two of your are going to ship out, show your commanding officer the ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” He’ll kick you out of the military and as your buddy waves from the plane taking him overseas, tell his girl about all the foreign chicks he said he was going to bang while overseas.
7. Sign him up for World of Warcraft
In three weeks, he will have lost interest in her. Make your move.
1. Change him into a girl
Liberal doses of estrogen in your friend’s food, in combination with an order of “Nueva” onion rings, will usually achieve the desired results in 3 – 4 weeks. As soon as he starts ordering Appletinis, spotting between periods, watching “The Prince of Tides” and developing 36B man-boobs, his girlfriend will have no choice but to turn to a real man.
2. Turn him in to the cops for the meth lab in his basement
Even if he doesn’t have a meth lab, you can slap one together with a coffee maker, some rubber tubing and a can of Zud. Leave those items in his house and spread around four or five boxes of decongestant. Call the cops and tell them you are a neighbor and you smell something funny coming from his house. As he’s being dragged away screaming his innocence, wrap your arm around his girl and whisper that the first stage is denial.
3. Get him addicted to drugs
The most powerful addictions are the unknown ones. Replace his sugar with cocaine. Sprinkle crack in his oatmeal. Inject meth into his eggs. Over the course of five or six breakfasts, he’ll find himself craving shredded wheat with extra sugar and raw eggs. As he becomes despondent to the other two meals of the day and his girlfriend, console her with lunch dates.
4. Talk them into a threesome
Every dude who has a friend with a hot girlfriend is willing to risk the dangers of the 2 guys on 1 chick threesome. If you can get them drunk enough to agree to a “Catch 22” threesome, you are halfway there. The next day, ensure you mention the night before at least thirty seven times. Repeat over the next week. Be sure to mention that the sex with his girl was great and that she was loving every second (literally) of your loving. Be sure to describe how his girl seemed to really like the night and that you would never let your girl bang another guy and wonder out loud how many other times she has done that. Soon doubt will begin to form in his mind and he’ll start to question the relationship. Wait two weeks and make your move.
5. Convince her he is gay
Every man may not question his sexuality, but every guy’s friend will call in to question his sexual alignment at least three of four times a day. While usually done jokingly, if subtly done in front of the girlfriend, seeds of doubt can be sewn. Leave issues of Men’s Health laying around his apartment with post-it notes on the half naked men pages. Leave Depeche Mode CDs at his desk and sneak ABBA and WHAM! on to his iPod. When he’s not around, ask the girlfriend why best friend has been sneaking out to the local goth bar. Leave a copy of Broke Back Mountain in the DVD player. The final straw should be strategically placed ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” Leave them on the dryer with an opened MAGNUM condom wrapper. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you’ll be available after your time at the greyhound rehabilitation volunteer shift.
6. Convince him to enlist
The best way to approach this is to suggest you enlist together. Talk about the adventures you’ll have overseas and the foreign chicks you will bang. On the day the two of your are going to ship out, show your commanding officer the ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” He’ll kick you out of the military and as your buddy waves from the plane taking him overseas, tell his girl about all the foreign chicks he said he was going to bang while overseas.
7. Sign him up for World of Warcraft
In three weeks, he will have lost interest in her. Make your move.
Patton Oswalt - Black Angus
I split open with laughter every time I hear this Patton Oswalt stand up. (CAUTION: offensive language and reference to cock sucking on the Golden Gate Bridge.)
64 Words from HolyJuan - Buddy Blind Copy
{Editor's note: I was going to write for another site, but I could not fit my format to theirs. We tried to meet in the middle with "64 words," but it just didn't work out. So here is a pilot article whose topic will probably never see the light of day again unless someone requests it.)
Buddy Blind Copy is the art of creating serious e-mail messages that go out to unsuspecting co-workers and clients, but that are also blind copied to your friend(s). Carefully use inside jokes, innuendo and double entendres liberally though the e-mail. Your recipients will be clueless and your friends get a laugh. Just ensure your mate does not "reply to all" and get you fired.
Buddy Blind Copy is the art of creating serious e-mail messages that go out to unsuspecting co-workers and clients, but that are also blind copied to your friend(s). Carefully use inside jokes, innuendo and double entendres liberally though the e-mail. Your recipients will be clueless and your friends get a laugh. Just ensure your mate does not "reply to all" and get you fired.
Milk, Milk, Lemonade T-Shirt
My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com:
Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/milk-milk-lemonade
Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/milk-milk-lemonade
Jesus opens a cleaning business
I got this business card from my classmate Jamey:
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Target: Expect Less. Pay More.
I was just at Target to pick up some toothpaste and Coke. The first display I saw was 12 - 12oz cans of Coke for $3.33. The big red numbers really attracted my attention!
On my way to the check out, I noticed that there were other Cokes for sale, but at a higher price of $3.99. I took a closer look and found out why they cost more: there were 8 - 8oz. cans instead.
I'm not sure what you do with an 8oz Coke, besides drink two of them, but it seems a bit off base to sell them at three times what the twelve ounce Cokes cost. I decided to update the Target tagline in this photo to reflect the pricing.
There is a moral to this story. Being the smug, self centered jerk that I am, I actually did not buy either of these two items and instead opted for the cheaper 2 liter bottle of Coke for $1.69 because 2-liters are always cheaper than the canned stuff.
Wrong!
12 -12oz cans @ 3.33 = .023 per ounce
8 - 8oz cans @ 3.99 = .062 per ounce
1 - 2 liter @ 1.69 = .025 per ounce
I should have bought the 12 oz cans!
On my way to the check out, I noticed that there were other Cokes for sale, but at a higher price of $3.99. I took a closer look and found out why they cost more: there were 8 - 8oz. cans instead.
I'm not sure what you do with an 8oz Coke, besides drink two of them, but it seems a bit off base to sell them at three times what the twelve ounce Cokes cost. I decided to update the Target tagline in this photo to reflect the pricing.
There is a moral to this story. Being the smug, self centered jerk that I am, I actually did not buy either of these two items and instead opted for the cheaper 2 liter bottle of Coke for $1.69 because 2-liters are always cheaper than the canned stuff.
Wrong!
12 -12oz cans @ 3.33 = .023 per ounce
8 - 8oz cans @ 3.99 = .062 per ounce
1 - 2 liter @ 1.69 = .025 per ounce
I should have bought the 12 oz cans!
I did not take the Bridge to Nowhere
In 1992, at Ohio University, I jokingly told Amy, “Hey, we should go to Alaska and work the salmon season and make a lot of money.” She said, “That’s awesome, let’s do it.” I didn’t really mean it, but I must have sounded positive because Amy bought the, “Go to Alaska and make millions of dollars” book and next thing you know, we were on a plane or three to Ketchikan, Alaska to make our fortune.
Once we landed, we did not take the Bridge to Nowhere for two reasons: the first is that it hadn’t been built yet and the second was that it wouldn’t ever get built in the first place which I guess means that there was only one reason why we didn’t take the bridge.
There is one airport in Ketchikan, though planes land all the time on the surrounding water. To get from the airport to the town, you have to cross the Tongass Narrows on a ferry as there is no bridge (see above.) I can see why people wanted that bridge. We had to wait a full fifteen minutes to take the ferry across. I think it cost $3. Here is Amy waiting for the ferry.
I remember reading that sign and thinking, “Emergency Vehicles First?” I’d hate to be the guy that has a heart attack at the airport and has to wait for the ambulance to come over on the ferry, pick my dying ass up, wait for the 2. Buses and 3. Other Vehicles to load, take the ferry back across and then dump my dead body off at the morgue.
I wonder if the ambulance leaves its lights and sirens on its trip across the water?
Once we landed, we did not take the Bridge to Nowhere for two reasons: the first is that it hadn’t been built yet and the second was that it wouldn’t ever get built in the first place which I guess means that there was only one reason why we didn’t take the bridge.
There is one airport in Ketchikan, though planes land all the time on the surrounding water. To get from the airport to the town, you have to cross the Tongass Narrows on a ferry as there is no bridge (see above.) I can see why people wanted that bridge. We had to wait a full fifteen minutes to take the ferry across. I think it cost $3. Here is Amy waiting for the ferry.
I remember reading that sign and thinking, “Emergency Vehicles First?” I’d hate to be the guy that has a heart attack at the airport and has to wait for the ambulance to come over on the ferry, pick my dying ass up, wait for the 2. Buses and 3. Other Vehicles to load, take the ferry back across and then dump my dead body off at the morgue.
I wonder if the ambulance leaves its lights and sirens on its trip across the water?
New HolyJuan T-Shirt - I am awesome
Here's my newest T-shirt on Skreened.com:
See it and my other crappy designs at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/i-am-awesome-basic
See it and my other crappy designs at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/i-am-awesome-basic
Google still using IE 6.0?
I read recently that Google is recommending users drop Microsoft's Internet Explorer 6.0. With the varied IE 6.0 issues, I can see why they would suggest people dump IE 6.0 and switch to some other browser (***cough cough Chrome***)
So I was surprised, when perusing my site's visitor log, that I came across someone from Google HQ on my site using IE 6.0!
I assume it was not a bot as they were on my site for two hours looking at varied content (i.e. penis jokes.)
So I was surprised, when perusing my site's visitor log, that I came across someone from Google HQ on my site using IE 6.0!
I assume it was not a bot as they were on my site for two hours looking at varied content (i.e. penis jokes.)
Zune programming error found
I was able to get a hold of the crappy code that crashed the Zune. See below starting with line 10
10 print "apple sucks"
20 goto 10
10 print "apple sucks"
20 goto 10
Answers to "Can you find seven things wrong"
Thank you to everyone who provided e-mails and comments concerning "The Seven Things Wrong" in the Dave photo.
As a reminder, here was the photo from a few days ago:
And here are the correct answers:
1. No fucking way any Briley went to Harvard. Unless it was to steal a mug.
2. VCR is not BETA. BETA is the official format of Maine.
3. Christmas tree was not previously used.
4. TV is black. All TVs in Maine are Black and White. Partial credit for "no gay porn playing."
5. Dave is wearing pants while decorating. No credit for "huge cock."
6. WWGWBD-OTRNTMF - What Would George W Bush Do- Oh That's Right Nuke The Mother Fuckers bracelet missing.
7. Nolobster lobstah.
Thanks for playing! Let me know how wrong I was with these answers.
As a reminder, here was the photo from a few days ago:
And here are the correct answers:
1. No fucking way any Briley went to Harvard. Unless it was to steal a mug.
2. VCR is not BETA. BETA is the official format of Maine.
3. Christmas tree was not previously used.
4. TV is black. All TVs in Maine are Black and White. Partial credit for "no gay porn playing."
5. Dave is wearing pants while decorating. No credit for "huge cock."
6. WWGWBD-OTRNTMF - What Would George W Bush Do- Oh That's Right Nuke The Mother Fuckers bracelet missing.
7. No
Thanks for playing! Let me know how wrong I was with these answers.
Local Man finds Unique Quarter
WESTERVILLE OH- David Ribley thought all he got was 35 cents in change at the gas station. Upon a closer look, he realized that he had received an unusual quarter. "I've been a collector for 14 years and haven't seen anything this amazing before. I'm not sure how this made it past the mint's quality control." Mr. Ribley allowed us to photograph the coin to share with our readers. 
As you can see the quarter on the left is normal. The quarter on the right has been stamped upside down.
Mr. Ribley currently has no plans to sell the coin. "I call it the Upside Down George. For now I'm gonna keep it. This is too valuable to put a price on." When asked what he might sell it for he replied, "At least a hundo. Maybe two."
As you can see the quarter on the left is normal. The quarter on the right has been stamped upside down.Mr. Ribley currently has no plans to sell the coin. "I call it the Upside Down George. For now I'm gonna keep it. This is too valuable to put a price on." When asked what he might sell it for he replied, "At least a hundo. Maybe two."
Bailout Money Found: Living Under St. Louis Overpass
ST. LOUIS, MO – Show me the money! The people of the United States outcry for fiscal responsibility has reached the breaking point and Washington is attempting to track down where the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) money has gone. Looking west, 
they found some of it. Congressional Auditors located a portion of the 700 Billion dollars financial bailout money living under a dank, I-70 overpass east of St. Louis.
The money, dirty and disheveled, looked to have been there for about three weeks. There were urine stained bill wrappers and broken rubber bands cluttering the ground. Some of the bills had been folded down the middle for use at a Gentleman’s Club. There was an overriding odor of MD 20/20 and pennies. The money was unwilling to leave the overpass and unresponsive to our reporter's questions.
Back in Washington, we attempted to question several of the major banking institutions. Bank of America’s representative was unrepentive, “Do you know how much money goes in and out of our doors everyday? We can’t be expected to keep track of all of it.” When we described condition of the found money, Bank of America smirked and said that sounded a lot like Wells Fargo’s kind of stash.
Wells Fargo said it can't provide any details about any mishandled funds until it releases its fourth quarter statement, though the bank said it intends to check into the found money and what nudie bars the money might have patronized. J.P. Morgan Chase’s representative was unavailable while doing his own research off-shore.
The FBI has been aware of the found money and has put out a poster in the hopes of attracting some attention and developing some leads.
As for the bailout money found under the overpass, other destitute also living there said that the money has since moved on and was last seen hitchhiking south on Interstate 55.
they found some of it. Congressional Auditors located a portion of the 700 Billion dollars financial bailout money living under a dank, I-70 overpass east of St. Louis.The money, dirty and disheveled, looked to have been there for about three weeks. There were urine stained bill wrappers and broken rubber bands cluttering the ground. Some of the bills had been folded down the middle for use at a Gentleman’s Club. There was an overriding odor of MD 20/20 and pennies. The money was unwilling to leave the overpass and unresponsive to our reporter's questions.
Back in Washington, we attempted to question several of the major banking institutions. Bank of America’s representative was unrepentive, “Do you know how much money goes in and out of our doors everyday? We can’t be expected to keep track of all of it.” When we described condition of the found money, Bank of America smirked and said that sounded a lot like Wells Fargo’s kind of stash.
Wells Fargo said it can't provide any details about any mishandled funds until it releases its fourth quarter statement, though the bank said it intends to check into the found money and what nudie bars the money might have patronized. J.P. Morgan Chase’s representative was unavailable while doing his own research off-shore.
The FBI has been aware of the found money and has put out a poster in the hopes of attracting some attention and developing some leads.
As for the bailout money found under the overpass, other destitute also living there said that the money has since moved on and was last seen hitchhiking south on Interstate 55.
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