This series of comments was to irresistible not to put into an article. This stems from a “news” piece I posted about Ohio legislators voting to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. A reader named “i_heart_erie” was a bit taken aback by the story. The following is our exchange verbatim from the comments section.
i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!
Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.
So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.
i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.
Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.
Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.
Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.
And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.
i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.
Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.
I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!
Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.
And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.
And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.
So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.
{I have not heard back from erie since.}
The 2008 Presidential Candidates: What will they look like in four years?
We've all seen how the Presidency can age someone. Here is a fast forward look as to what the Presidential Candidates might look like four years into the future.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
The Perfect Museum Exhibit
In a recent survey, we asked a bunch of people what they thought archeology was. They said dinosaurs. So from our vast experience of people and what people like, we designed the perfect science museum exhibit based on what people like. And people like the following:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Anne's Plant
Here is Anne's plant:
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Greg and Dad - Dick Cheney's Heart
{Greg and Dad is a cartoon segment of HolyJuan where Greg (aged 4 years)draws a cartoon and dad adds the caption.}
HolyJuan’s Predictions for 2008
OK, so none of my predictions for 2007 came true except for the “3. Bird Flu will not have an effect on the world’s population… this year,” prediction.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
Giant Chicken or Taloned Beast Footprints on Mars
I'm not sure why everyone is so excited about the Bigfoot on Mars when in the same photo there are clear and undeniable chicken or "taloned beast" prints on the ground. NASA is slacking on the Photoshopping of their photos to cover up life on Mars.
I love it
Rich Silverstein of the celebrated advertising firm of Goodby and Silverstein may take the cake for the most audacious effort to win over a potential client when he pitched Isuzu Motors. Silverstein printed up flyers and had them placed in the windshields of Isuzu all over
The Art of Innovation
Tom Kelley
Beautiful...
mad max haiku
I use StatCounter to track my hits and to help me stalk the eight people who come to my site. StatCounter will also let me see what word searches people use to get here. Someone did a search on Google for “mad max haiku driving” and found my site.
So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.
Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not
So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.
Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not
Jung Personality Test Results - AHOL
I took a Jung Typology “personality test” and as it turns out they sum your life up in four letters. Here’s mine:
AHOL - "Egotistical Bastard". Extroverted, self-intellectual with a preference for telling others what their opinion is. A self loving hater and a destroyer of relationships. Fortunately, they only encompass only 0.02% of total population.
To outsiders, AHOLs may appear to project an aura of "egotistical bastardness", of complete self-confidence. This incredibly over the top self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for complicated arrogance by idiots, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most AHOLs start building right after the loss of virginity. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and AHOLs can have several (they know everything you do not)-- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, which they can’t because you are a complete mess. AHOLs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know, which is nothing.
AHOLs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest as long as they get something out of it. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is other people holding them back. You, especially.
AHOLs are known as the "Mind Fuck" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of cock blockedness and ruthless despair. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this though a verbal beat down; AHOLs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. In other words, you are dumb and you should get the fuck out of his way.
Probably the strongest AHOL assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to make others feel like complete idiots. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated verbal taunts, sketches of private parts and e-mails of a highly improper nature.
Is your Gay product guaranteed?
Don't be fooled by non-Gay products! Fill your mouth with the Safe, Sanitary and Sterilized Gay product. If it's not guaranteed... it's not Gay!
Contemporary Insantiy: Renovated, Invigorated and as Fresh as a Walk Down a Dirt Lane in Spring with Your Mom as Curtains Billow in the Background
Brandon is back from his eight week internship in Lagula, Uganda and the first thing he did (right after getting the twenty or so Bot Flies removed from his flesh) was to get his site Contemporary Insanity back up and running.
I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)
If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.
I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)
If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.
Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food
Dear Holy Juan~
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
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