Showing posts with label Lake Ohio. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lake Ohio. Show all posts

Lake Erie to be renamed Lake Ohio

COLUMBUS, OH (FD)- The Ohio Senate voted unanimously on S.B. 189 this past Thursday to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. Senator Donald Goldman (R) and Senator Robert Mueller (D) co-sponsored the bill in a most unusual spirit of bipartisanship in The Ohio General Assembly. Senator Goldman stated on Friday morning, “I think most Ohioans are behind this name change and quite frankly, we own most of the lake anyways. This has been a long time coming”

Lake Erie is the eleventh largest lake in the world (by surface area), and the fourth largest of the Great Lakes in surface area though the smallest by volume. Ohio has access to the largest portion of the lake or 11,700 sq mi (30,400 sq km) as compared to Michigan with a paltry 5800 sq mi (15,100 sq km.)

The greater part of its southern shore was at one time occupied by a nation known to the Iroquois League as the "Erielhonan," or the "long-tails," a tribe of Indians from which the lake derived its name. An unnamed Senator said off the record, “Most Indians do not like to have things named after them anyways. They have been after the Cleveland Indians for years. I think the Iroquois descendants will be happy with this as long as they aren’t all dead.”

When questions about how most people remember the names of the lakes through the mnemonic, H.O.M.E.S. (HuronOntarioMichiganErieSuperior), Senator Mueller paused and said, “Is that going to be HOMOS now? I didn’t think of that. It almost makes it easier to remember.”

Schnuckelputz: Putting “ass” in the glass

We were in Athens, OH this past weekend for an Ohio University reunion of friends. In all, about eighteen of us made our way back to OU to reminisce and drink and reminisce about drinking. I hadn’t seen some folks for over fourteen years. It was a very good time.

For dinner, Miss Sally, Russ, Cheri and I went to Casa Nueva. Casa is a highly regarded Mexican restaurant that utilizes local farmers and producers. The food is awesome. We ordered dinner, drank Mexican beer and discussed our plans for the rest of the evening. Next to our table was a flyer for Schnuckelputz, a wine from Shade Winery.

Per the advert, I could see that the Schnuckelputz was:

I’m aware of carbonation.
I’ve had ginger. It’s the light, refreshing stuff that sits next to your sushi.
Lemon, check.
Wine and I have had a relationship for years.

So I ordered a glass.

What I did not know at the time was the origins of the word Schnuckelputz:
Schnuckel (German) - drip from the ass or wet from the backside
Putz (Yiddish) – fool, idiot

The foul, rancidness contained within that glass cannot be described. I had Russ try a sip and he gagged and made a horrible face. I was not quick enough to catch it on camera so later I had him sniff the glass to relive the experience.

I assume that on its way to the restaurant, the bottle of Schnuckelputz was accidentally filled with a combination of urine and battery acid. The bottle was then smuggled across the border of Mexico in a Crohn's Disease sufferer’s lower intestine, where it was set out in the sun for three weeks. Upon its return via a railcar filled with diarrhea, it was rinsed, chilled, lightly shaken and poured into my glass.

And to spite everyone, I drank the whole thing. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t stop burping up ginger.

We saved six people’s lives on our way out of the restaurant who were discussing, fortunately out loud, if they should order a glass of abomination.

And just so you are aware, my poop smelled like ginger for the next two days.

To sum up:

Schnuckelputz = Ask, instead, for the interactive, taste colonoscopy

My conversation with i_heart_erie

This series of comments was to irresistible not to put into an article. This stems from a “news” piece I posted about Ohio legislators voting to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. A reader named “i_heart_erie” was a bit taken aback by the story. The following is our exchange verbatim from the comments section.

i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!

Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.

So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.

i_heart_erie said...

Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.

Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.

Doug said...

Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.

Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.

And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.

i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.

Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.

I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!

Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.

And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.

And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.

So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.

{I have not heard back from erie since.}