So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
The Church of Scientology Sued for Copyright Infringement
LOS ANGELES- By now, you probably have seen the slightly creepy, nine minute video of Tom Cruise discussing his infinite love of the Church of Scientology with the theme from Mission: Impossible looping every eight seconds 
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.
Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Try not to laugh
This is a game show from Japan. I'm not sure what the rules are but I DARE YOU not to laugh.
How they tow cars in Paris
When John and I were in Paris, we saw this:
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
*Figures sold separately
For $3,200 with $650 shipping, you'd think they could throw in a Han Solo or even a Storm Trooper. How 'bout a freakin Jawa?
If your interested, you can buy it here at FAO Schwarz:
Scambaiting again... (updated 1/10/08)
Scambaiting is the act of deceiving a scam artist. These guys are crooks and the more time I spend with them, the less there is for them to steal from old ladies. This time around, I’ve got a Mr. Koffi Allen who wants to share millions with me. Sadly, I am a bed ridden accident victim named Handsy Galore. (That sounds like a James Bond gay evil guy name.) Also look for my lawyer friend Dee Sknuts towards the end.
The e-mail is in order from top to bottom. Anything in {brackets} is my commentary. I edited down the first e-mail to save you a few agonizing minutes. {Each correspondence is broken up by a line.}
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From: koffiallen39@hotmail.fr
Subject: Revelational Claim.
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:43:56 +0300
Revelational Claim. Hello, I humbly appologise with every due respect for any embarrassment my action in contacting you might cause you. Owing to the fact that we do not know each other before. This is because of this ample opportunity before me to which I will never want us to loose. But for the fact that I cannot do it alone, I therefore wish to contact you for it. My name is (Mr. Koffi Allen) a citizen of this country{BLAH BLAH BLAH} Bear in mind that we have only but a limited time to get this deal acomplished. No room for delays.
Sincerely yours
Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 1:43 AM
To: koffiallenali@yahoo.de
Hello Mr. Koffi Allen,
Please to let me help you. I have freinds and bac up cashe to pay and such,
Signed,
Handsy Galore
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Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:31:45 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Friend ,
Thanks for your mail. I am a family man with three children. I am assuring you 100% risk free in this business in as long as you follow up my direction and instructions. As an insider here in the bank I shall be passing every necessary information to you accordingly for the smooth running and success of this transaction. I have done all the underground work for the success of this transaction.
As soon as I hear from you with the requested information below, I will be sending you an Application Letter Of Claim (ALOC) which you will be forwarding to the bank as the legitimate Next Of Kin to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq, so as to lay claims over the funds. Thereafter I shall be backing you up with every necessary information the bank may require of you in other to clarify your claim. However you will also bear in mind that on no account should you let the bank know that I am invlove in this very transaction. Ofcourse you should know that our success in this transaction depends on its confidentiality, therefore do keep this deal to yourself alone.
Feel free to contact me on phone for more discussion with this number 00226 7683 0414
I need the following information from you for us to proceed:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. OCCUPATION
3 POSITION
4. ADDRESS
5. AGE
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER
7. MARITAL STATUS
I wait to hear from you as soon as possible. Endeavour to respond to me through this very email id for an easy assessment of your mail.
Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 8:22 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Mr koffiali,
You return e-mail is thanks. Sorry for my typing is bad. I am bound in bed with head injery from car accident. Not my fault and the insurance money good. I could use more money and a freind.
Here is the answers:
I am Handsy Galore
I do not have job (car crash)
I do not have postion (car crash)
I live Friendship Villiage, a care home
5800 Forest Hills Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio 43231
Phone: (614) 890-xxxx
I am 39 years of age
My wife is dead from the crash, but i still consider self married to her soul
Please to not be afraid to type me even though I am injured. I could use a friend. Let me know to help with your situation.
I am soory but i cannot travel in my condition. As long as coorespondence is all that necessary, that is good.
Your new friend,
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend
Thanks so much for your mail and especially for needed information which you has forwarded to me.Sorry for such a fatal accident which you had. I know you will be better with my presence over there and as soon as you gradually follow up my advice everything will be successful. However considering the fact that I really would need this deal to be concluded in the nearest time possible, I am sending to you immediately ALOC. Application letter of Claim so that you can forward it to the bank immediately. Once you sends this letter to the bank using the bank's email account then try and let me know pls, so that I can be monitoring the movement of everything from here.
Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr. Koffi Allen
{This is a copy of the letter I am spose to send out… I do send it out and copy Mr. Allen.}
Below is the letter.
Attn: Dr.Richardson Compaore.
Director Foreign Remittance Dept.
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
Tel: 226 7066 0088
Email: boaremitdept3@excite.com
LETTER OF CLAIM
My name is Handsy Galore , I am writing to notify your bank the deposited fund of Fourty Seven Million United States Dollars deposited ($47,000,000.00) in your custody by my business associate Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq of blessed memory from Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia. The said fund was deposited on account No. 011976421134, retening no. 91002211.
I as the Next of Kin and business associate to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq is hereby putting claim over the said fund and required that this funds be transferred to my bank account which I will be forwarding to your bank on the approval of my application and readiness of the transfer of the my inheritance fund to my account. I will be very much happy if this my notification claim letter will be given an urgent attention and let me know the necessary requirements for the release of my inheritance fund to me without any delay.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours Faithfully.
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{The “bank” replies.}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
SIR,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS BANK HAVE RECEIVED YOUR APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM FOR THE ONWARD TRANSFER OF THE FUND FOURTY SEVEN MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($47,000.000.00) UNITED STATES DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN OUR BANK BY DR. YASSER TAYMULLAH MUWAFFAQ.
BASED ON THE RELATIONSHIP THAT EXISTED BETWEEN THE BANK'S BOARD OF DIRECTOR'S AND THE LATE CLIENT, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK DO WISHES TO SEND OUR CONDOLENCE MESSAGE TO YOU ON THE DEATH OF YOUR PARTNER. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE. DO ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY. WE HAD WAITED FOR HIS NEXT OF KIN EVER SINCE HIS DEATH, TO SAY WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS DEATH.
CONSQUENTLY, BASED ON PERSONAL RECOGNITION OF YOUR PARTNER WHO HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF OUR MOST RECOGNISED CUSTOMER THEN, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK SHALL BE HAVING A BRIEF MEETING IN THIS REGARD, THE OUTCOME OF THIS MEETING SHALL BE FACILITATED TO YOU IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS. ONCE AGAIN WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Two hours flew by!}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR,
AFTER OUR MEETING IN REGARDS TO YOUR REQUEST FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS ($47,000,000.00)FOURTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, WE HEREIN ADVICE YOUR KIND SELF TO FORWARD THE APPROPRIATE ANSWERS TO THE GIVEN QUESTIONS TO OUR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VITAL MEANS THROUGH WHICH THE LEGITIMACY OF YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE PROVEN OTHERWISE. TO THAT NOTE, WE SHALL THEREBY COMMENCE FORTHWITH FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER AFTERWARDS.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
{Here is the form.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I reply to Mr. Allen}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Mon 12/24/07 8:54 AM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Security scan upon download Trend Micro ® logo
Attachments: BANK OF A...doc (48.2 KB)
Mr. Allen,
To not believe the money amount of 47 million! That is a lot of money.
The bank is sent me a form to fill out. Can you help me to fill the spaces?
How is weather is your country? We have snow and ice today. I can see frost on the window from bed. I sad I can not play in the snow.
When will you be in Ohio to visit me? I could use a visit.
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail. I want to advice that you should take this business just as your own personal business because this is all I have depended on since all my service in this bank. Again, you should note that the bank might be carrying its private or personnal investigations by using the International investigative section which is a sub-section of the security department of the bank and as such any mail or any fax that you might receive from any individual relating transaction of this nature please and please, DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY WITHOUT FIRST CONTACTING ME, this is to avoide making mistakes because the security department of the bank is at alert. Pls do let me know immediately if your account can carry this amount without any problems?. Yes it is exactly $47Million. I shall be making my visit to ohio by the 2nd week of january 2008. The weather here is kind of normal, in the sense it is not as hot as it use to be. A little bit warm during the day while cold in the night. I think using a visit in the letter of invitation is very much ok by me.
Again my dear, I want you to know that once this funds is been transferred to your bank account I and my family shall be coming to meet with you in your country but I will first be visiting you alone, afterwards I shall go back to pick my family alongside with me once after we finalise the sharing of the money according to our agreed percentage terms. I have not even disclosed this matter to my wife. I intend to keep it secret until we finalise it, then it would be a surprise package to her and my children. Please my dear, I will want you to send a letter of invitation to me before this week ends so that I can quickly apply for my visa, because there is no much time left. I will take my leave immediately the money is been wired to your account. Since I am in the bank I will know when the money is transferred and I will resign my appointment immediately, and take off. I have already written my resignation letter, waiting only to submit it. I have already told the manager that I may be resigning my appointment very soon and he wanted to know why and I told him it is a personal family problems that prompted my resignation. After all my years of pain and sleepless nights, thinking on how best to carry out this task and now it is about becoming a success. You will never know how excited I am until we meet face to face.
Thanks and remain blessed my brother as I wait for your response urgently.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
Bellow are the ansewrs, forward it to the bank immediately.
1,Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq
2,Saudi Arabia Nationality.
3,Next Of Kin
4,68 years.
5, January 2002,He Died in a plane crash.
6,Self Employed,Import and Exports.
7,Yes.
8,YASSER INTERNATIONALE SARL IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.Registratioin No.11 B/F 000000081.
9,Fixed Deposit account.
10, Acc No : 011976421134, REF NO: 0.111555.000.
11,Yes.
12,Abeer Fawziya Muwaffaq.
13,Yes.
14,Three, Alia, Azeeza and Yasser, 2 girls and one boy.
15,1001 Avenue Du Azimmo,Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
State also your full name,addresse and occupation here as the bank demandded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I was busy during the holidays and Mr. Allen is getting feisty.}
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:52:26 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Handsy,
I have been seriously worried because I never heard from you for the past 2 days. You and I know the urgency which this very deal calls for. We do not need to entertain any atom of delay in this project. I would need to hear from you urgently. Have you sent the answers to the bank's question to them?
I shall expecting your mail asap.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I looked up the real bank fax number on line and decide to give Mr. Allen a scare.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:25 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Mr. Allen,
It has being sent! I had my caretakr print the sheet. Hours it took me to fill it out as my hand is not steady.
I faxed it to the bank faxing machine.
The fax number on the sheet was not working so my caretaker was able to look up the bank on the internet and got a differnt number of faxing. 226 50308874 is what he said. I got a confirmation.
I will let you know as soon as the bank contancts me.
I cannot meet you at the airport so I will hoping that you can call me once you arrive in Ohio. Ask the front desk for my name!
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{He’s pissed.}
Dear Friend,
In this very deal, you do not have to do things without my knowledge. If we must excute this deal together, then do exactly that which I asked you to, so as to avoid mistakes ok. Now send the document to the bank by email attachment. You should understand that this country is a french country and the department handling this matter is the foriegn remittance department of the bank. It is not the affairs of the entire bank, there is a particular department responsible for things of this nature.
As you may understand I am working with one of the bank's branch and not the headquater office. This very transaction is been masterminded by the same branch because that is where the late depositor made the deposit of his funds. My dear pls I plead with you not to contradict matters by doing things your own way. I contacted you for this deal and for that before anything do let me know.
Lastly go ahead and resend the answers by email attachment ok. I will be waiting to receive from you.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:17 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I are to be so sorry for this mystake whick I ave created. I was able to send my helper home and he has scanned the documnt so that it can be transfered via e-mail attchment.
I am soory I did not flow your directins exctly. I know this is a lot of meonye and very imortant.
I will send the e-mail to the back as an attachment as requested.
Plese to make your forginess as I want this to go smooth.
I have freiend in the taxi busineess that can help you when you come into Columbus in two weeks. Go to the taxi stand and ask for Johnny Two Sack. He is the leader of the taxi drivers and if you mention Handsy, he will give you a dicounted fare.
The e-mail to the bank with attchment to foolow.
Your friend,
Handsy
{Here is the attachment. Please note the handwriting. I wrote this upside down and left handed to make it as illegible as possible. Click to enlarge.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Some how the "Bank" was able to read my gibberish handwriting and sent a message with some attachments. In the first one, they mention that I need to cough up $7,000 to reactivate the account.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 12/29/07 4:51 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
Attachments: BOA APPLI...doc (54.1 KB), BOA FUNDS...doc (51.5 KB)
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR
YOU ARE ADVICED HEREIN TO CHECK THE BOTH ATTACHED FILES AND CAREFULLY FOLLOW UP THE CONTAINED INFORMATION FOR YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
BOA Funds Reactivation Letter
.jpg)
BOA Funds Reactivation Application
.jpg)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I forward Mr. Allen the good news with a touch of bad news about my finances. I also include a photo of myself.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Sun 12/30/07 5:46 PM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
THis is grate news friend! A leeter was sent from the Bank and they acceptd mine applicaton.
The bad news is that they need $7,000. I have about $5000. CAn you paid for the other $2000? I can pay you back once I get the monies from the bank.
I am very much waiting to see you. Do you have a photo to sent to me? I have atthed mine.
Your best friend,
Handsy
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{Mr. Allen is very understanding about my money issues.}
From Mr. Koffi Allen From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 5:21 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Friend,
Thanks so much for your mail and thanks for sending across to me the bank's mail as well. Well I have heard what you said and that is why I have quickly auction out my car in other to raise the $2000 you asked me to provide. I have already sent my mother inlaw in the person of Mrs. Reine Atam to the bank with the $2000 and she called me 5 minutes ago that she has made this payment to the bank. Now after sending the balance of $5000 to the bank write to them to confirm to them that you are the one that sent your partner here in Burkina Faso in the person of Mrs Reine Atam with the $2000 to them. I told the woman to tell the bank that you are the one that sent her with the money, while I asked her to tell the bank that you will be paying the balance fews hrs later.
My dear you go ahead and send the balance to the bank immediately so that the bank will receive the full payment today. As you know tomorrow will be public holiday here. Do this now and get me informed. Pls I want to let you know that you should not under any circumstances tell the western union argent why you are sending the money. If you were asked for what purpose you are sending the money, tell them that you are sending the money to your cousin in Burkina Faso. The reason is because I do not want any one both here or over there to know anything related this very deal. Pls try to protect my interest as you can see everything is fast coming to a successful end. Therefore do not under any circumstances disclose the secret of this very deal to any one no matter what, until we archieve our aim. Am still working in the bank remember.
I saw your photo. It seems you had been sick before. Am sorry for that. I guess you are ok now. I hope to meet you sound and hearthy on my arrival soonest.
I am attaching my photo and that of my family as well.
Thanks and remain blessed as we hope to celebrate our victory in couple of days.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
{Wait a minute.. he said he had three children! I assume they sold the child to get the $2000.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 8:34 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT MRS. REINE ATAM HAS PAID THE SUM OF $2000.00 ON YOUR BEHALF 4 HOURS AGO. WE ARE WAITING HEREIN FOR THE BALANCE OF THE $5000.00 FROM YOUR KIND SELF AS SHE MADE US TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BALANCE WILL BE PAID BY YOUR KINDSELF AT THE SAME TIME. ONCE THIS IS DONE WE SHALL COMMENCE FORTHWITH ON THE RE-ACTIVATION OF YOUR ACCOUNT.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
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{I really hate to disappoint my faithful readers, but this scam needed to come to a close. So sadly, this is a letter to Mr. Allen from Handsy's attorney, Dee Sknuts.
Dear Mr. Allen,
My name is Ms. Sknuts and I represent Mr. Handsy Galore.
It is with the saddest of news that I must tell you that Handsy Galore died on Monday December 31st of 2007. He slipped on a bed pan and received what the doctors call a triple concussion. They tried everything to save his life, including a taint transplant, but alas... he is dead.
As the executor of his will, I am put with the task of working through his finances. He was in the process of completing a transaction for you, but because he did not make it to the bank in time, I am unable to continue the process and must follow the rule of law.
I have attached the headline from the local newspaper. Handsy was a hero and we will all miss him. We are glad he had such a good friend in you.
Thank you for your time and best of luck.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{OK, so I lied... I kept going, now with Handsy dead, the lawyer, Dee Sknuts is getting into the game. Koffi ignored the first letter from the lawyer and sent this concerned e-mail.}
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 3:47 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Brother,
How are you today?. Honestly I had been seriously disturbed because today is friday and yet I never heard from you. What is going on. I mean what is delaying this payment. You know I have paid 2000dollars already and you should not in any wise keep the bank waiting for the balance. The bank has been assured that the balance would be provided by you at the same time otherwise the bank would not have collected the 2000dollars from my mother inlaw. They do not accept part payment on account re-activation. They accepted this because Mrs Reine Atam assured them that the balance will be sent to them at the same time. Why are you keeping this delays. What is happening? Am confused for your silence. Pls do not let the bank wait for you any further because it will not be healthy enough. If you had been paid the balance of the 5000dollars before now, then we should have been expecting the arrival of this funds into your bank account by now. My dear I am having sleepless nights over this matter and I really needs you to act now, since we have no time to waste further. I should have applied for my visa by now but I cant do this until this funds is been transferred to your bank account. I have already written my resignation letter but I cant submit it either until this funds is been wired into your bank account. I hope you understand the state I am at the present.
Thanks for your understanding as I expect goodnews immediately.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I sent back a "form letter" response.}
From: Dee Sknuts
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 7:51 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
**Automated return**
Please contact Ms. Sknuts for any issues concerning the late Mr. Galsore's estate at deesknuts@gmail.com.
Thank you.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I then sent this letter directly to the "bank" from Dee Sknuts. Note the "lawyer" talk.}
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 8:14 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To whom it may concern,
My name is Dee Sknuts and I am a lawyer in the United States of America. My client, Handsy Galore, recently passed away and is unable to complete this transaction. I am handling his accounts and transactions.
There is a second party, of which I cannot name due to client privilege, who was interested in assisting with this transaction completion. Because this person was a friend of Mr. Handsy Galore, I would be interested in assisting them with the collection of the monies due.
Is there a writ of corpus or style of vag that could be accomplished so that this second party could collect the funds due to Mr. Handsy? I am capable of releasing Mr. Handsy's funds to assist the unnamed party as long as this second person can rename nameless.
Please forward any other e-mails to my work address at xxxx@gmail.com as this address will be deleted soon. If you can e-mail me a letter which states that Mr. Handsy's "habeus corpus" can be forwarded, then I can assist in completing this transaction.
IF YOU KNOW OF THE SECOND PARTY, DO NOT CONTACT THEM AS THIS WILL BE AGAINST MY PERSONAL CODE OF LIABILITY.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The bank replies to the lawyer.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 3:55 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
WE ARE AT THE VERGE OF TRANSFERRING THE FUNDS INTO THE DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT OF MR. HANDSY GALORE AND NOW HIS SUDDEN DEATH. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE OF YOUR PARTNER MR. HANDSY GALORE. HOWEVER WE HAVE NOTHING WHATSOVER TO DEAL WITH ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT IF YOU PROVES TO US THAT HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS AUTHORISED YOU TO RECEIVE HIS FUNDS ON HIS BEHALF IN CASES OF DEATH LIKE THIS, THEN WE SHALL BE MAKING THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT AS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FORWARD SAME TO US WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. BEAR IN MIND THAT THE BALANCE AMOUNT OF $5,000.00 MUST BE PAID IN OTHER TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE TRANSFER.
BE REMINDED HEREIN THAT WE SHALL NOT BE ENTERTAINING ANY OTHERS ON THE CONTRATRY. TO THAT EFFECT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FOLLOW CAREFULLY THE ABOVE INSTRUCTION AS ANYTHING ELSE ON THE CONTRARY SHALL NOT
BE CONDOLDED. WE MAY NOT RESPOND TO ANY OTHER MAIL THAT IS NOT IN LINE WITH OUR INSTRUCTION ABOVE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer sends Koffi a letter about re-paying the 2K plus a finders fee.}
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 8:28 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Sir,
I spoke to the bank and in respect to your and your family, I did not mention your name.
I will tell you this. This money was due to Mr. Handsy and Mr. Handsy alone and it seems unlawful that you were attempting to take a cut of this.
You have proven your faith by putting down $2,000 dollars of your own money. In that, my law firm is willing to pay you back the $2,000 as well as a $1,000 "finders fee."
We cannot send a check, but we can do a wire transfer. Please forward your information to xxx@gmail.com and we will reimburse you for your troubles.
Please do not interfere in our business and we will not tell the bank of your bad intentions.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 1/07/08 4:09 AM
Dear Friend
If you wish to give me the $2000 then send it to me through western union money transfer. Send it with my name. Mr. Koffi Allen. This is Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso. Do this and let me know. If you cant sent send through western union then forget it pls.
Thanks
Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention Mr. Koffi Allen,
We cannot not do a money order. We can only do a wire transfer.
We find it odd that you would give up $2,000.00 so easily. Are you so rich that you do not need the money? Please explain yourself.
We are still waiting for some paperwork to be processed to access the 14 million dollars you so kindly found for Mr. Galore. We would like to reward you, but if you are not interested in the money, we will not pursue to get it to you via wire transfer. If you are under scrutiny we can forward the money to another bank account under a different name.
Thank you for your time,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I got pissed that Koffi did not reply to my letter so I decide to rat him out to the"bank.}
Sent: Wed 1/09/08 9:39 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sirs,
I must bring it to your attention that one of your bank employees is attempting to trick you. His name is Koffi Allen and he has been attempting to steal money from my late client Mr. Handsy Galore.
Mr. Allen secretly contacted Mr. Galore and offered to split monies with him.
I believe that Mr. Allen is going to try this again with some of your other customers.
Please check into this fellow as I believe his will attempt to disrupt our transaction.
I hate to tell you this, but in the face of honesty, it is a necessity.
Dee Sknuts
Representing Handsy Galore
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 3:03 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To:
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE THIS GREAT INFORMATION. WE SHALL HAVE MR. KOFFI ALLEN THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED AND ONCE YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST WERE PROVEN TO BE CORRECT THEN HE SHALL BE PENALISED WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. IF YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM WERE PROVEN TO BE TRUE THEN I FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE AFTER BEEN DISMISSED FROM THE BANK, HE SHALL SERVE FOR ANOTHER 2 YEARS IN JAIL. QUITE UNFORTUNATE I MUST SAY FOR A MAN OF HIS CALIBRE TO GET HIMSELF MESSED UP THIS WAY. TOO BAD. I DO HAVE REASONS TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE HIS ACTIONS AND WORKING ZEAL HAS CHANGED RECENTLY BUT UNTIL WE HAVE CONCRETE EVIDENCE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer thanks the bank and starts to set up a chance for the lawyer to cash in.}
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 11:26 AM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
I am glad to see that this is going to be taken care of. Anyone who would cheat and steal must go to jail, don't you agree.
In other news, Mr. Galore's family is NOT interested in attempting to retrieve the funds which are due to Mr. Handsy Galore. I tried to speak to them about coming up with the $5000 dollars, but they are too interested in splitting up his remaining funds.
It's too bad we could not work something out. As his lawyer, it would not be legal for me to take over the account. Unless you are willing to keep this and the paperwork private, we sadly must end this discussion.
Yours,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer sticks it to Koffi.}
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:43 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I'll have you know that I made the bank aware of your treachery and they are going to start an investigation.
Now all the money will be mine and I will not have to split it with you!! In fact, I was able to come up with the money without the help of Mr. Handsy's family and I will be taking the money for my OWN! I told them this was a scam and they believed it. Now the money is MINE!
This is what you get!
Don't bother forwarding this message on to the bank as they will not believe you anymore after your treachery. Please tell your wife I said hello!!
Your friend,
Dee
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer warns the bank about Koffi and pretends it was Koffi that started it all.}
RE: BANK OF AFRICA
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:47 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sir,
I have an understanding that Mr. Koffi Allen is going to try and disparage me. I do not know how he found out I was the one who turned him into you, but I assume he is going to start to make false lies and half truths about me and my credentials.
PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.
I have the money gathered for the account. Please let me know if we can do a wire transfer.
Thank you for your understanding,
Dee Sknuts
{I'm sure there will be more to come. Stay RSS'd.}
The e-mail is in order from top to bottom. Anything in {brackets} is my commentary. I edited down the first e-mail to save you a few agonizing minutes. {Each correspondence is broken up by a line.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: koffiallen39@hotmail.fr
Subject: Revelational Claim.
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:43:56 +0300
Revelational Claim. Hello, I humbly appologise with every due respect for any embarrassment my action in contacting you might cause you. Owing to the fact that we do not know each other before. This is because of this ample opportunity before me to which I will never want us to loose. But for the fact that I cannot do it alone, I therefore wish to contact you for it. My name is (Mr. Koffi Allen) a citizen of this country{BLAH BLAH BLAH} Bear in mind that we have only but a limited time to get this deal acomplished. No room for delays.
Sincerely yours
Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 1:43 AM
To: koffiallenali@yahoo.de
Hello Mr. Koffi Allen,
Please to let me help you. I have freinds and bac up cashe to pay and such,
Signed,
Handsy Galore
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:31:45 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Friend ,
Thanks for your mail. I am a family man with three children. I am assuring you 100% risk free in this business in as long as you follow up my direction and instructions. As an insider here in the bank I shall be passing every necessary information to you accordingly for the smooth running and success of this transaction. I have done all the underground work for the success of this transaction.
As soon as I hear from you with the requested information below, I will be sending you an Application Letter Of Claim (ALOC) which you will be forwarding to the bank as the legitimate Next Of Kin to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq, so as to lay claims over the funds. Thereafter I shall be backing you up with every necessary information the bank may require of you in other to clarify your claim. However you will also bear in mind that on no account should you let the bank know that I am invlove in this very transaction. Ofcourse you should know that our success in this transaction depends on its confidentiality, therefore do keep this deal to yourself alone.
Feel free to contact me on phone for more discussion with this number 00226 7683 0414
I need the following information from you for us to proceed:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. OCCUPATION
3 POSITION
4. ADDRESS
5. AGE
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER
7. MARITAL STATUS
I wait to hear from you as soon as possible. Endeavour to respond to me through this very email id for an easy assessment of your mail.
Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 8:22 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Mr koffiali,
You return e-mail is thanks. Sorry for my typing is bad. I am bound in bed with head injery from car accident. Not my fault and the insurance money good. I could use more money and a freind.
Here is the answers:
I am Handsy Galore
I do not have job (car crash)
I do not have postion (car crash)
I live Friendship Villiage, a care home
5800 Forest Hills Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio 43231
Phone: (614) 890-xxxx
I am 39 years of age
My wife is dead from the crash, but i still consider self married to her soul
Please to not be afraid to type me even though I am injured. I could use a friend. Let me know to help with your situation.
I am soory but i cannot travel in my condition. As long as coorespondence is all that necessary, that is good.
Your new friend,
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend
Thanks so much for your mail and especially for needed information which you has forwarded to me.Sorry for such a fatal accident which you had. I know you will be better with my presence over there and as soon as you gradually follow up my advice everything will be successful. However considering the fact that I really would need this deal to be concluded in the nearest time possible, I am sending to you immediately ALOC. Application letter of Claim so that you can forward it to the bank immediately. Once you sends this letter to the bank using the bank's email account then try and let me know pls, so that I can be monitoring the movement of everything from here.
Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr. Koffi Allen
{This is a copy of the letter I am spose to send out… I do send it out and copy Mr. Allen.}
Below is the letter.
Attn: Dr.Richardson Compaore.
Director Foreign Remittance Dept.
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
Tel: 226 7066 0088
Email: boaremitdept3@excite.com
LETTER OF CLAIM
My name is Handsy Galore , I am writing to notify your bank the deposited fund of Fourty Seven Million United States Dollars deposited ($47,000,000.00) in your custody by my business associate Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq of blessed memory from Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia. The said fund was deposited on account No. 011976421134, retening no. 91002211.
I as the Next of Kin and business associate to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq is hereby putting claim over the said fund and required that this funds be transferred to my bank account which I will be forwarding to your bank on the approval of my application and readiness of the transfer of the my inheritance fund to my account. I will be very much happy if this my notification claim letter will be given an urgent attention and let me know the necessary requirements for the release of my inheritance fund to me without any delay.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours Faithfully.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The “bank” replies.}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
SIR,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS BANK HAVE RECEIVED YOUR APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM FOR THE ONWARD TRANSFER OF THE FUND FOURTY SEVEN MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($47,000.000.00) UNITED STATES DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN OUR BANK BY DR. YASSER TAYMULLAH MUWAFFAQ.
BASED ON THE RELATIONSHIP THAT EXISTED BETWEEN THE BANK'S BOARD OF DIRECTOR'S AND THE LATE CLIENT, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK DO WISHES TO SEND OUR CONDOLENCE MESSAGE TO YOU ON THE DEATH OF YOUR PARTNER. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE. DO ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY. WE HAD WAITED FOR HIS NEXT OF KIN EVER SINCE HIS DEATH, TO SAY WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS DEATH.
CONSQUENTLY, BASED ON PERSONAL RECOGNITION OF YOUR PARTNER WHO HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF OUR MOST RECOGNISED CUSTOMER THEN, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK SHALL BE HAVING A BRIEF MEETING IN THIS REGARD, THE OUTCOME OF THIS MEETING SHALL BE FACILITATED TO YOU IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS. ONCE AGAIN WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Two hours flew by!}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR,
AFTER OUR MEETING IN REGARDS TO YOUR REQUEST FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS ($47,000,000.00)FOURTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, WE HEREIN ADVICE YOUR KIND SELF TO FORWARD THE APPROPRIATE ANSWERS TO THE GIVEN QUESTIONS TO OUR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VITAL MEANS THROUGH WHICH THE LEGITIMACY OF YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE PROVEN OTHERWISE. TO THAT NOTE, WE SHALL THEREBY COMMENCE FORTHWITH FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER AFTERWARDS.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
{Here is the form.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I reply to Mr. Allen}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Mon 12/24/07 8:54 AM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Security scan upon download Trend Micro ® logo
Attachments: BANK OF A...doc (48.2 KB)
Mr. Allen,
To not believe the money amount of 47 million! That is a lot of money.
The bank is sent me a form to fill out. Can you help me to fill the spaces?
How is weather is your country? We have snow and ice today. I can see frost on the window from bed. I sad I can not play in the snow.
When will you be in Ohio to visit me? I could use a visit.
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail. I want to advice that you should take this business just as your own personal business because this is all I have depended on since all my service in this bank. Again, you should note that the bank might be carrying its private or personnal investigations by using the International investigative section which is a sub-section of the security department of the bank and as such any mail or any fax that you might receive from any individual relating transaction of this nature please and please, DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY WITHOUT FIRST CONTACTING ME, this is to avoide making mistakes because the security department of the bank is at alert. Pls do let me know immediately if your account can carry this amount without any problems?. Yes it is exactly $47Million. I shall be making my visit to ohio by the 2nd week of january 2008. The weather here is kind of normal, in the sense it is not as hot as it use to be. A little bit warm during the day while cold in the night. I think using a visit in the letter of invitation is very much ok by me.
Again my dear, I want you to know that once this funds is been transferred to your bank account I and my family shall be coming to meet with you in your country but I will first be visiting you alone, afterwards I shall go back to pick my family alongside with me once after we finalise the sharing of the money according to our agreed percentage terms. I have not even disclosed this matter to my wife. I intend to keep it secret until we finalise it, then it would be a surprise package to her and my children. Please my dear, I will want you to send a letter of invitation to me before this week ends so that I can quickly apply for my visa, because there is no much time left. I will take my leave immediately the money is been wired to your account. Since I am in the bank I will know when the money is transferred and I will resign my appointment immediately, and take off. I have already written my resignation letter, waiting only to submit it. I have already told the manager that I may be resigning my appointment very soon and he wanted to know why and I told him it is a personal family problems that prompted my resignation. After all my years of pain and sleepless nights, thinking on how best to carry out this task and now it is about becoming a success. You will never know how excited I am until we meet face to face.
Thanks and remain blessed my brother as I wait for your response urgently.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
Bellow are the ansewrs, forward it to the bank immediately.
1,Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq
2,Saudi Arabia Nationality.
3,Next Of Kin
4,68 years.
5, January 2002,He Died in a plane crash.
6,Self Employed,Import and Exports.
7,Yes.
8,YASSER INTERNATIONALE SARL IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.Registratioin No.11 B/F 000000081.
9,Fixed Deposit account.
10, Acc No : 011976421134, REF NO: 0.111555.000.
11,Yes.
12,Abeer Fawziya Muwaffaq.
13,Yes.
14,Three, Alia, Azeeza and Yasser, 2 girls and one boy.
15,1001 Avenue Du Azimmo,Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
State also your full name,addresse and occupation here as the bank demandded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I was busy during the holidays and Mr. Allen is getting feisty.}
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:52:26 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Handsy,
I have been seriously worried because I never heard from you for the past 2 days. You and I know the urgency which this very deal calls for. We do not need to entertain any atom of delay in this project. I would need to hear from you urgently. Have you sent the answers to the bank's question to them?
I shall expecting your mail asap.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I looked up the real bank fax number on line and decide to give Mr. Allen a scare.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:25 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Mr. Allen,
It has being sent! I had my caretakr print the sheet. Hours it took me to fill it out as my hand is not steady.
I faxed it to the bank faxing machine.
The fax number on the sheet was not working so my caretaker was able to look up the bank on the internet and got a differnt number of faxing. 226 50308874 is what he said. I got a confirmation.
I will let you know as soon as the bank contancts me.
I cannot meet you at the airport so I will hoping that you can call me once you arrive in Ohio. Ask the front desk for my name!
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{He’s pissed.}
Dear Friend,
In this very deal, you do not have to do things without my knowledge. If we must excute this deal together, then do exactly that which I asked you to, so as to avoid mistakes ok. Now send the document to the bank by email attachment. You should understand that this country is a french country and the department handling this matter is the foriegn remittance department of the bank. It is not the affairs of the entire bank, there is a particular department responsible for things of this nature.
As you may understand I am working with one of the bank's branch and not the headquater office. This very transaction is been masterminded by the same branch because that is where the late depositor made the deposit of his funds. My dear pls I plead with you not to contradict matters by doing things your own way. I contacted you for this deal and for that before anything do let me know.
Lastly go ahead and resend the answers by email attachment ok. I will be waiting to receive from you.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:17 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I are to be so sorry for this mystake whick I ave created. I was able to send my helper home and he has scanned the documnt so that it can be transfered via e-mail attchment.
I am soory I did not flow your directins exctly. I know this is a lot of meonye and very imortant.
I will send the e-mail to the back as an attachment as requested.
Plese to make your forginess as I want this to go smooth.
I have freiend in the taxi busineess that can help you when you come into Columbus in two weeks. Go to the taxi stand and ask for Johnny Two Sack. He is the leader of the taxi drivers and if you mention Handsy, he will give you a dicounted fare.
The e-mail to the bank with attchment to foolow.
Your friend,
Handsy
{Here is the attachment. Please note the handwriting. I wrote this upside down and left handed to make it as illegible as possible. Click to enlarge.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Some how the "Bank" was able to read my gibberish handwriting and sent a message with some attachments. In the first one, they mention that I need to cough up $7,000 to reactivate the account.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 12/29/07 4:51 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
Attachments: BOA APPLI...doc (54.1 KB), BOA FUNDS...doc (51.5 KB)
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR
YOU ARE ADVICED HEREIN TO CHECK THE BOTH ATTACHED FILES AND CAREFULLY FOLLOW UP THE CONTAINED INFORMATION FOR YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
BOA Funds Reactivation Letter
.jpg)
BOA Funds Reactivation Application
.jpg)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I forward Mr. Allen the good news with a touch of bad news about my finances. I also include a photo of myself.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Sun 12/30/07 5:46 PM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
THis is grate news friend! A leeter was sent from the Bank and they acceptd mine applicaton.
The bad news is that they need $7,000. I have about $5000. CAn you paid for the other $2000? I can pay you back once I get the monies from the bank.
I am very much waiting to see you. Do you have a photo to sent to me? I have atthed mine.
Your best friend,
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Mr. Allen is very understanding about my money issues.}
From Mr. Koffi Allen From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 5:21 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Friend,
Thanks so much for your mail and thanks for sending across to me the bank's mail as well. Well I have heard what you said and that is why I have quickly auction out my car in other to raise the $2000 you asked me to provide. I have already sent my mother inlaw in the person of Mrs. Reine Atam to the bank with the $2000 and she called me 5 minutes ago that she has made this payment to the bank. Now after sending the balance of $5000 to the bank write to them to confirm to them that you are the one that sent your partner here in Burkina Faso in the person of Mrs Reine Atam with the $2000 to them. I told the woman to tell the bank that you are the one that sent her with the money, while I asked her to tell the bank that you will be paying the balance fews hrs later.
My dear you go ahead and send the balance to the bank immediately so that the bank will receive the full payment today. As you know tomorrow will be public holiday here. Do this now and get me informed. Pls I want to let you know that you should not under any circumstances tell the western union argent why you are sending the money. If you were asked for what purpose you are sending the money, tell them that you are sending the money to your cousin in Burkina Faso. The reason is because I do not want any one both here or over there to know anything related this very deal. Pls try to protect my interest as you can see everything is fast coming to a successful end. Therefore do not under any circumstances disclose the secret of this very deal to any one no matter what, until we archieve our aim. Am still working in the bank remember.
I saw your photo. It seems you had been sick before. Am sorry for that. I guess you are ok now. I hope to meet you sound and hearthy on my arrival soonest.
I am attaching my photo and that of my family as well.
Thanks and remain blessed as we hope to celebrate our victory in couple of days.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
{Wait a minute.. he said he had three children! I assume they sold the child to get the $2000.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 8:34 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT MRS. REINE ATAM HAS PAID THE SUM OF $2000.00 ON YOUR BEHALF 4 HOURS AGO. WE ARE WAITING HEREIN FOR THE BALANCE OF THE $5000.00 FROM YOUR KIND SELF AS SHE MADE US TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BALANCE WILL BE PAID BY YOUR KINDSELF AT THE SAME TIME. ONCE THIS IS DONE WE SHALL COMMENCE FORTHWITH ON THE RE-ACTIVATION OF YOUR ACCOUNT.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I really hate to disappoint my faithful readers, but this scam needed to come to a close. So sadly, this is a letter to Mr. Allen from Handsy's attorney, Dee Sknuts.
Dear Mr. Allen,
My name is Ms. Sknuts and I represent Mr. Handsy Galore.
It is with the saddest of news that I must tell you that Handsy Galore died on Monday December 31st of 2007. He slipped on a bed pan and received what the doctors call a triple concussion. They tried everything to save his life, including a taint transplant, but alas... he is dead.
As the executor of his will, I am put with the task of working through his finances. He was in the process of completing a transaction for you, but because he did not make it to the bank in time, I am unable to continue the process and must follow the rule of law.
I have attached the headline from the local newspaper. Handsy was a hero and we will all miss him. We are glad he had such a good friend in you.
Thank you for your time and best of luck.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{OK, so I lied... I kept going, now with Handsy dead, the lawyer, Dee Sknuts is getting into the game. Koffi ignored the first letter from the lawyer and sent this concerned e-mail.}
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 3:47 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Brother,
How are you today?. Honestly I had been seriously disturbed because today is friday and yet I never heard from you. What is going on. I mean what is delaying this payment. You know I have paid 2000dollars already and you should not in any wise keep the bank waiting for the balance. The bank has been assured that the balance would be provided by you at the same time otherwise the bank would not have collected the 2000dollars from my mother inlaw. They do not accept part payment on account re-activation. They accepted this because Mrs Reine Atam assured them that the balance will be sent to them at the same time. Why are you keeping this delays. What is happening? Am confused for your silence. Pls do not let the bank wait for you any further because it will not be healthy enough. If you had been paid the balance of the 5000dollars before now, then we should have been expecting the arrival of this funds into your bank account by now. My dear I am having sleepless nights over this matter and I really needs you to act now, since we have no time to waste further. I should have applied for my visa by now but I cant do this until this funds is been transferred to your bank account. I have already written my resignation letter but I cant submit it either until this funds is been wired into your bank account. I hope you understand the state I am at the present.
Thanks for your understanding as I expect goodnews immediately.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I sent back a "form letter" response.}
From: Dee Sknuts
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 7:51 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
**Automated return**
Please contact Ms. Sknuts for any issues concerning the late Mr. Galsore's estate at deesknuts@gmail.com.
Thank you.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I then sent this letter directly to the "bank" from Dee Sknuts. Note the "lawyer" talk.}
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 8:14 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To whom it may concern,
My name is Dee Sknuts and I am a lawyer in the United States of America. My client, Handsy Galore, recently passed away and is unable to complete this transaction. I am handling his accounts and transactions.
There is a second party, of which I cannot name due to client privilege, who was interested in assisting with this transaction completion. Because this person was a friend of Mr. Handsy Galore, I would be interested in assisting them with the collection of the monies due.
Is there a writ of corpus or style of vag that could be accomplished so that this second party could collect the funds due to Mr. Handsy? I am capable of releasing Mr. Handsy's funds to assist the unnamed party as long as this second person can rename nameless.
Please forward any other e-mails to my work address at xxxx@gmail.com as this address will be deleted soon. If you can e-mail me a letter which states that Mr. Handsy's "habeus corpus" can be forwarded, then I can assist in completing this transaction.
IF YOU KNOW OF THE SECOND PARTY, DO NOT CONTACT THEM AS THIS WILL BE AGAINST MY PERSONAL CODE OF LIABILITY.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The bank replies to the lawyer.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 3:55 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
WE ARE AT THE VERGE OF TRANSFERRING THE FUNDS INTO THE DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT OF MR. HANDSY GALORE AND NOW HIS SUDDEN DEATH. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE OF YOUR PARTNER MR. HANDSY GALORE. HOWEVER WE HAVE NOTHING WHATSOVER TO DEAL WITH ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT IF YOU PROVES TO US THAT HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS AUTHORISED YOU TO RECEIVE HIS FUNDS ON HIS BEHALF IN CASES OF DEATH LIKE THIS, THEN WE SHALL BE MAKING THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT AS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FORWARD SAME TO US WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. BEAR IN MIND THAT THE BALANCE AMOUNT OF $5,000.00 MUST BE PAID IN OTHER TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE TRANSFER.
BE REMINDED HEREIN THAT WE SHALL NOT BE ENTERTAINING ANY OTHERS ON THE CONTRATRY. TO THAT EFFECT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FOLLOW CAREFULLY THE ABOVE INSTRUCTION AS ANYTHING ELSE ON THE CONTRARY SHALL NOT
BE CONDOLDED. WE MAY NOT RESPOND TO ANY OTHER MAIL THAT IS NOT IN LINE WITH OUR INSTRUCTION ABOVE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer sends Koffi a letter about re-paying the 2K plus a finders fee.}
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 8:28 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Sir,
I spoke to the bank and in respect to your and your family, I did not mention your name.
I will tell you this. This money was due to Mr. Handsy and Mr. Handsy alone and it seems unlawful that you were attempting to take a cut of this.
You have proven your faith by putting down $2,000 dollars of your own money. In that, my law firm is willing to pay you back the $2,000 as well as a $1,000 "finders fee."
We cannot send a check, but we can do a wire transfer. Please forward your information to xxx@gmail.com and we will reimburse you for your troubles.
Please do not interfere in our business and we will not tell the bank of your bad intentions.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 1/07/08 4:09 AM
Dear Friend
If you wish to give me the $2000 then send it to me through western union money transfer. Send it with my name. Mr. Koffi Allen. This is Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso. Do this and let me know. If you cant sent send through western union then forget it pls.
Thanks
Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention Mr. Koffi Allen,
We cannot not do a money order. We can only do a wire transfer.
We find it odd that you would give up $2,000.00 so easily. Are you so rich that you do not need the money? Please explain yourself.
We are still waiting for some paperwork to be processed to access the 14 million dollars you so kindly found for Mr. Galore. We would like to reward you, but if you are not interested in the money, we will not pursue to get it to you via wire transfer. If you are under scrutiny we can forward the money to another bank account under a different name.
Thank you for your time,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I got pissed that Koffi did not reply to my letter so I decide to rat him out to the"bank.}
Sent: Wed 1/09/08 9:39 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sirs,
I must bring it to your attention that one of your bank employees is attempting to trick you. His name is Koffi Allen and he has been attempting to steal money from my late client Mr. Handsy Galore.
Mr. Allen secretly contacted Mr. Galore and offered to split monies with him.
I believe that Mr. Allen is going to try this again with some of your other customers.
Please check into this fellow as I believe his will attempt to disrupt our transaction.
I hate to tell you this, but in the face of honesty, it is a necessity.
Dee Sknuts
Representing Handsy Galore
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 3:03 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To:
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE THIS GREAT INFORMATION. WE SHALL HAVE MR. KOFFI ALLEN THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED AND ONCE YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST WERE PROVEN TO BE CORRECT THEN HE SHALL BE PENALISED WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. IF YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM WERE PROVEN TO BE TRUE THEN I FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE AFTER BEEN DISMISSED FROM THE BANK, HE SHALL SERVE FOR ANOTHER 2 YEARS IN JAIL. QUITE UNFORTUNATE I MUST SAY FOR A MAN OF HIS CALIBRE TO GET HIMSELF MESSED UP THIS WAY. TOO BAD. I DO HAVE REASONS TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE HIS ACTIONS AND WORKING ZEAL HAS CHANGED RECENTLY BUT UNTIL WE HAVE CONCRETE EVIDENCE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer thanks the bank and starts to set up a chance for the lawyer to cash in.}
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 11:26 AM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
I am glad to see that this is going to be taken care of. Anyone who would cheat and steal must go to jail, don't you agree.
In other news, Mr. Galore's family is NOT interested in attempting to retrieve the funds which are due to Mr. Handsy Galore. I tried to speak to them about coming up with the $5000 dollars, but they are too interested in splitting up his remaining funds.
It's too bad we could not work something out. As his lawyer, it would not be legal for me to take over the account. Unless you are willing to keep this and the paperwork private, we sadly must end this discussion.
Yours,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer sticks it to Koffi.}
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:43 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I'll have you know that I made the bank aware of your treachery and they are going to start an investigation.
Now all the money will be mine and I will not have to split it with you!! In fact, I was able to come up with the money without the help of Mr. Handsy's family and I will be taking the money for my OWN! I told them this was a scam and they believed it. Now the money is MINE!
This is what you get!
Don't bother forwarding this message on to the bank as they will not believe you anymore after your treachery. Please tell your wife I said hello!!
Your friend,
Dee
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer warns the bank about Koffi and pretends it was Koffi that started it all.}
RE: BANK OF AFRICA
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:47 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sir,
I have an understanding that Mr. Koffi Allen is going to try and disparage me. I do not know how he found out I was the one who turned him into you, but I assume he is going to start to make false lies and half truths about me and my credentials.
PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.
I have the money gathered for the account. Please let me know if we can do a wire transfer.
Thank you for your understanding,
Dee Sknuts
{I'm sure there will be more to come. Stay RSS'd.}
Creepy Newspaper Photoshop (I hope)
This photo appeared in the Wednesday, January 2, 2008 edition of the Westerville News & Public Opinion newspaper.
That is creepy and a real shitty photoshop job. I'm not sure if that is supposed to be God handing down the baby New Year or a preemie baby getting ready to be dropped in a mail slot.
And that poem sucks.
That is creepy and a real shitty photoshop job. I'm not sure if that is supposed to be God handing down the baby New Year or a preemie baby getting ready to be dropped in a mail slot.
And that poem sucks.
Greg and Dad - Cheney's Point of View in 2009
I am starting a new segment called "Greg and Dad." These are single panel cartoons that are drawn by Greg with text by Dad. The only thing I provide is the panel for Greg to draw in. Or at least in close proximity to.
New Star Wars Character: General Phallus
Greg got a General Pharl McQuarrie Star Wars action figure for Christmas.
His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.
I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.
His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.
I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.
Greg and Dad - Voting Difficulties
I am starting a new segment called "Greg and Dad." These are single panel cartoons that are drawn by Greg with text by Dad. The only thing I provide is the panel for Greg to draw in. Or at least in close proximity to.
Subliminal Company Logo
Any guesses?
You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.
You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.
Baby Ann in Columbus Monthly
Ann's photo was in the November issue of Columbus Monthly magazine. Erlina from Erlina Kim Photography was featured in a section about baby photography.
Damn. She is cute.
You're moving from LA to where?
{Author's Note: This has been updated as of 12/18/07 5-5-09... many a few things a lot of stuff has changed.}
Dear Amber,
My friend Lacey shared with me that youare moving have moved from Los Angeles to Columbus, OH. (I put OH after Columbus as we are not cool enough just to be known as just Columbus.) I do not know why Lacey would suggest me as your virtual tour guide except that once I gave her directions on how to get to the Columbus Zoo. She ended up in OrlandoLos Angeles so I’m not sure what that says about me.
There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.
I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:
Food
Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:
If you like Mexican, margaritas and patio dining:
Estradas
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you. Estradas has closed, but has re-opened as the NEW B-Hamptons. See BARS.
If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.
As a replacement, let me suggest the Tropical Bistro. Columbus used to be home to an unbelievable Tiki Restaurant called The Kahiki. Somebody must have worn the bad luck necklace from the Brady Bunch into it because it was closed down and replaced by a CVS. The Kahiki was stripped and all the decorative goodies were lovingly stored in a warehouse. Six years later, a tornado passed through the warehouse, gathered up the scenic elements and into a strip mall where the decorations were randomly stuck to the walls of an old Chinese carryout. They then decided to open up a bistro there. The Tropical Bistro has one of the chef's from the Kahiki and a couple of the bartenders as well. It's not the Kahiki, but when your are thirsty, you’ll drink about anything. They still make the best Suffering Bastard. CLOSED
If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here
If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.
If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.
Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Spagio
Claddagh Irish Pub
Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.
Parks
Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.
Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.
Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.
Movies
The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.
The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.
Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:
The R Bar (North of Campus and in the Arena District)
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all gotlaid off from COSI. Well, shit....}
B-Hamptons (awesome happy hour and good looking clientel)
I wept when I got the news. B Hamptons has been re-born as Hampton's on King
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
The Round Bar (Look for the bartender who uses a scrunchie to flirt with the clientèle.) A fucking shame.
Dance
Skully's
I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.
Outland
Wear black. Take a friend. Hopefully with re-open.
I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!
Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}
Dear Amber,
My friend Lacey shared with me that you
There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.
I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:
Food
Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:
Estradas
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you.
If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.
If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here
If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.
If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.
Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Spagio
Claddagh Irish Pub
Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.
Parks
Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.
Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.
Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.
Movies
The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.
The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.
Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all got
I wept when I got the news.
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
Dance
Skully's
I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.
Wear black. Take a friend.
I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!
Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}
Ten Ways I Exposed Myself to be a Dumbass
Voted for Bush in 2000
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”
Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?
Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.
Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)
Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.
Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.
I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.
Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.
Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.
Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.
Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”
Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?
Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.
Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)
Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.
Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.
I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.
Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.
Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.
Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.
Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.
The Christmas Miracle or How I Lied to My Wife
Let's be honest, Christmas is a huge pain in the ass. Yes, there is the love and the family and the opportunity to look back over the past year and see that things are going well / could be worse / will get better next year / pass the bottle of Wild Turkey. But the preparations for that magnificent moment are what weigh down on me. Lights on the house. Decorations. Lying about certain guys in red suits. Shopping. And getting the tree.
The tree.
When I was a kid, we’d drive out to the local tree farm and search though an acre of land to find the “perfect” tree. Dad would use his arm span to determine the tree height, width, its mass and amount of drag it would cause on the top of the car. We’d all take turns at a few saw cuts on the base before we’d notice that the tree trunk was outrageously crooked and then we’d repeat the whole process at the “almost perfect” tree right next to the first. Timber! We would then drag the tree through the grass and mud wishing there was snow. With a combination of twine and string and rope, we’d fasten the tree to the car through the backseat windows and dad would have us get in the front doors and clamber over the seat to get into the back. (Do not carry the saw with you as you flop over the seats!) The way home had father using a combination of slight steering adjustments, even slighter breaking and drafting to keep the tree from falling off the roof.
Nowadays, the wife and I go to a tree lot. We found a place that has a good selection and reasonable pricing. My four year old, Greg, likes to play hide and seek in the fake forest. Last year it wasn’t hide and seek but rather “Greg won’t answer when mom calls frantically for him for five minutes.” We found a tree rather quickly this year and Sally had to stand next to it while Greg and I snuck through the forest. Once we paid for the tree, the three guys smoking cigarettes by the fire pit simultaneously cut off the bottom, trimmed back branches on the trunk to exactly 8” and tied the tree to the roof of the van (sadly, not through the windows.)
We got home and set the tree up. I let it acclimate to our home’s particular temperature and humidity (or let it “fall” as dad calls it.) I got through attaching the first series of bulbs to the very top of the tree before Miss Sally inquired if I had tested the lights first. I hadn’t, which made 1/3rd of them immediately not work when I did plug them in. That aside, all else went well. As we trimmed it, Greg stuck his army men in the branches. I watered the tree and we all went to bed.
The next morning I tried to add more water to the tree, but only soaked the carpet when the base overflowed from the very first bit of water poured in. I stuck my hand in… it was still full. Miss Sally said she had not filled it which meant the tree was not taking water. We decided to wait to see what would happen that night.
The water was still there except for the tiny bit that the cat might have drank out of it. I went to bed with images of spontaneous combustion and cats on fire running through my head. The next morning, Miss Sally said she had not slept a wink, not because of our children dying in a tree induced fire, but because she thought all the needles were going to fall off and the tree would look like a barren twig by Christmas. It was time for drastic measures. So I ran to the internet.
My search revealed a suggestion that you can attempt to tip the tree, cut an additional inch or two off and reset it, hoping for the best. We laid down towels and blankets, set the tree down with army men falling to their deaths. I cut off two inches just to be sure and we set the tree back up without loss of a single Christmas ornament. I re-filled the base with water and we waited. I thought I could hear the tree slurping up the water. I thought.
Hours later, right before bed, the water level was still the same. I then made a decision to lie. Miss Sally would get a good night sleep this night! I went into the kitchen and told Sally that the tree was taking the water and that I was going to re-fill it. She was relieved. I fake filled it and we went to bed. Sally slept.
That next morning, I shared my evil plan with my friend John. I would siphon water out of the base with a turkey baster and re-fill the base with watering help from Greg, adding to the lie and making him an unknowing accomplice. John simplified my plan when he suggested that I just tell Sally that I was filling the base in the mornings after she left for work. Genius.
This evening, I went to fake fill the base. As I ran the water for a minute, but only filled the container with only a cup of water, I began to feel guilty. But that only lasted a few seconds and I ran to top off the water in the tree base.
And that is when the Christmas miracle happened! The base was empty! The tree was drinking the water! I stuck my hand way down into the bottom and there was just a bit of water left. I went back to the sink, filled the container and topped off the base, this time for real.
At dinner, I confessed my sins to Miss Sally. I came clean about everything. I said that I was doing it all for her. I said it was a Christmas miracle.
She asked me what else I was lying about.
Tonight, as I sleep on the couch, I’ll be able to see the glow of the Christmas lights in the family room.
Unless that’s the glow of a cat on fire.
The tree.
When I was a kid, we’d drive out to the local tree farm and search though an acre of land to find the “perfect” tree. Dad would use his arm span to determine the tree height, width, its mass and amount of drag it would cause on the top of the car. We’d all take turns at a few saw cuts on the base before we’d notice that the tree trunk was outrageously crooked and then we’d repeat the whole process at the “almost perfect” tree right next to the first. Timber! We would then drag the tree through the grass and mud wishing there was snow. With a combination of twine and string and rope, we’d fasten the tree to the car through the backseat windows and dad would have us get in the front doors and clamber over the seat to get into the back. (Do not carry the saw with you as you flop over the seats!) The way home had father using a combination of slight steering adjustments, even slighter breaking and drafting to keep the tree from falling off the roof.
Nowadays, the wife and I go to a tree lot. We found a place that has a good selection and reasonable pricing. My four year old, Greg, likes to play hide and seek in the fake forest. Last year it wasn’t hide and seek but rather “Greg won’t answer when mom calls frantically for him for five minutes.” We found a tree rather quickly this year and Sally had to stand next to it while Greg and I snuck through the forest. Once we paid for the tree, the three guys smoking cigarettes by the fire pit simultaneously cut off the bottom, trimmed back branches on the trunk to exactly 8” and tied the tree to the roof of the van (sadly, not through the windows.)
We got home and set the tree up. I let it acclimate to our home’s particular temperature and humidity (or let it “fall” as dad calls it.) I got through attaching the first series of bulbs to the very top of the tree before Miss Sally inquired if I had tested the lights first. I hadn’t, which made 1/3rd of them immediately not work when I did plug them in. That aside, all else went well. As we trimmed it, Greg stuck his army men in the branches. I watered the tree and we all went to bed.
The next morning I tried to add more water to the tree, but only soaked the carpet when the base overflowed from the very first bit of water poured in. I stuck my hand in… it was still full. Miss Sally said she had not filled it which meant the tree was not taking water. We decided to wait to see what would happen that night.
The water was still there except for the tiny bit that the cat might have drank out of it. I went to bed with images of spontaneous combustion and cats on fire running through my head. The next morning, Miss Sally said she had not slept a wink, not because of our children dying in a tree induced fire, but because she thought all the needles were going to fall off and the tree would look like a barren twig by Christmas. It was time for drastic measures. So I ran to the internet.
My search revealed a suggestion that you can attempt to tip the tree, cut an additional inch or two off and reset it, hoping for the best. We laid down towels and blankets, set the tree down with army men falling to their deaths. I cut off two inches just to be sure and we set the tree back up without loss of a single Christmas ornament. I re-filled the base with water and we waited. I thought I could hear the tree slurping up the water. I thought.
Hours later, right before bed, the water level was still the same. I then made a decision to lie. Miss Sally would get a good night sleep this night! I went into the kitchen and told Sally that the tree was taking the water and that I was going to re-fill it. She was relieved. I fake filled it and we went to bed. Sally slept.
That next morning, I shared my evil plan with my friend John. I would siphon water out of the base with a turkey baster and re-fill the base with watering help from Greg, adding to the lie and making him an unknowing accomplice. John simplified my plan when he suggested that I just tell Sally that I was filling the base in the mornings after she left for work. Genius.
This evening, I went to fake fill the base. As I ran the water for a minute, but only filled the container with only a cup of water, I began to feel guilty. But that only lasted a few seconds and I ran to top off the water in the tree base.
And that is when the Christmas miracle happened! The base was empty! The tree was drinking the water! I stuck my hand way down into the bottom and there was just a bit of water left. I went back to the sink, filled the container and topped off the base, this time for real.
At dinner, I confessed my sins to Miss Sally. I came clean about everything. I said that I was doing it all for her. I said it was a Christmas miracle.
She asked me what else I was lying about.
Tonight, as I sleep on the couch, I’ll be able to see the glow of the Christmas lights in the family room.
Unless that’s the glow of a cat on fire.
Words and Phrases You Should Hate
Here is a list of common words and phrases I cannot stand. See if your hated verbiage is in the list!
Meh
This word completely pisses me off. Perhaps it is how falls out of the mouth with such disdain. Or that it is one of the few words in which you don’t use your tongue to pronounce. Most of all, it’s the compression of so much indifference that is crammed into a three letter word. People use it to replace pages of text and explanation. It’s like saying, “I don’t care about you or your opinion enough to reply with anything but a monosyllabic, muted yelp." On top of all that, I'm compelled to say it out loud whenever I read it. Meh. Yuck.
You’ve got your work cut out for you
Who thought of this crappy phrase? It’s ass backwards. The phrase is supposed to mean that you have a tough job ahead with a lot of pain and suffering sprinkled on top. I think most people understand it as such when reading or hearing it. But what I don’t get is that if your work is all ready cut out for you, the first step would be done and you’d be that much closer to completing your task. What would be a lot of work is if you had to cut the work out yourself and then do it. I guess that phrase would be, “You’ve got your work to cut out.” Now that I’ve written it, I’m not so pleased with that one either.
Don’t go there
This phrase has crossed ethnic boundaries and become popular with whitey which has caused it to fail. A lot of times you will see this phrase accentuated with "uh-huh" and "girl" and various closed mouth noises and finger wagging. By saying "Don't go there" you are admitting guilt of having been "there" and of doing something embarrassing while "there." Just don’t go there.
Absolutely
This word is used too often and people don’t really know its true power. Absolutely is a commanding word with no ifs ands or buts. It should be used with caution. If someone responds “absolutely” to your question, you should feel empowered and take them up on it. I get it a lot when asking to speak to someone over the phone. “Can I please speak with Mr. Jones?” “Absolutely.” At that moment, I am thusly sanctioned to let Mr. Jones hear what ever I want to tell him about my kids or my thoughts on how he’s running his company into the ground. Next time someone says “absolutely” to you, clarify that is what they said and then have at it.
Pwned
I simply don’t like this word because I never get to use it. I am the one who get his ass handed to him in games and arguments. I suck.
Couple
I don’t blame anyone but myself for this one. For years, I thought that “a couple” could mean two or three or four. The dictionary might say that the informal definition is “a few; several: a couple of days,” but 98% of the world has corrected me. One co-worker solidified her stance with the well known Ohio phrase “a couple three” which when uttered can be used to describe how much beer to pick up. “Since Tommy’s bringing his kids, you might ‘unt to pick up a couple three cases of Pabst.”
Awesome
Unless it’s said by a stoner guy, awesome grates on my nerves. NASA seems to over use it to describe stuff in space. If it’s a stone guy describing stuff in space, I’m 50/50.
Top Ten
I dislike top ten, mainly because you can guarantee that the list is faulty or open to debate. The only Top Ten list I ever saw that was even close to being dead on was Yang Sma's Top Ten List of molds, spores and fungi. He pretty much nailed that one.
Blog
Christ. Blog is such an overly fanciful word. Only because it describes what I am doing now. And what the annoying stay at home mom across the street is doing. And most twelve year olds. I hate that the outlet for my brilliance is described in the same way as the writings of Lisa’s two cats or Bob’s internal struggle with coming out of the closet. Someone needs to come up with a new word so that I can move on.
Git r done
Without question, the worst phrase ever uttered, right after “The stripper you knocked up is talking to your wife about the venereal disease she gave you.”
Meh
This word completely pisses me off. Perhaps it is how falls out of the mouth with such disdain. Or that it is one of the few words in which you don’t use your tongue to pronounce. Most of all, it’s the compression of so much indifference that is crammed into a three letter word. People use it to replace pages of text and explanation. It’s like saying, “I don’t care about you or your opinion enough to reply with anything but a monosyllabic, muted yelp." On top of all that, I'm compelled to say it out loud whenever I read it. Meh. Yuck.
You’ve got your work cut out for you
Who thought of this crappy phrase? It’s ass backwards. The phrase is supposed to mean that you have a tough job ahead with a lot of pain and suffering sprinkled on top. I think most people understand it as such when reading or hearing it. But what I don’t get is that if your work is all ready cut out for you, the first step would be done and you’d be that much closer to completing your task. What would be a lot of work is if you had to cut the work out yourself and then do it. I guess that phrase would be, “You’ve got your work to cut out.” Now that I’ve written it, I’m not so pleased with that one either.
Don’t go there
This phrase has crossed ethnic boundaries and become popular with whitey which has caused it to fail. A lot of times you will see this phrase accentuated with "uh-huh" and "girl" and various closed mouth noises and finger wagging. By saying "Don't go there" you are admitting guilt of having been "there" and of doing something embarrassing while "there." Just don’t go there.
Absolutely
This word is used too often and people don’t really know its true power. Absolutely is a commanding word with no ifs ands or buts. It should be used with caution. If someone responds “absolutely” to your question, you should feel empowered and take them up on it. I get it a lot when asking to speak to someone over the phone. “Can I please speak with Mr. Jones?” “Absolutely.” At that moment, I am thusly sanctioned to let Mr. Jones hear what ever I want to tell him about my kids or my thoughts on how he’s running his company into the ground. Next time someone says “absolutely” to you, clarify that is what they said and then have at it.
Pwned
I simply don’t like this word because I never get to use it. I am the one who get his ass handed to him in games and arguments. I suck.
Couple
I don’t blame anyone but myself for this one. For years, I thought that “a couple” could mean two or three or four. The dictionary might say that the informal definition is “a few; several: a couple of days,” but 98% of the world has corrected me. One co-worker solidified her stance with the well known Ohio phrase “a couple three” which when uttered can be used to describe how much beer to pick up. “Since Tommy’s bringing his kids, you might ‘unt to pick up a couple three cases of Pabst.”
Awesome
Unless it’s said by a stoner guy, awesome grates on my nerves. NASA seems to over use it to describe stuff in space. If it’s a stone guy describing stuff in space, I’m 50/50.
Top Ten
I dislike top ten, mainly because you can guarantee that the list is faulty or open to debate. The only Top Ten list I ever saw that was even close to being dead on was Yang Sma's Top Ten List of molds, spores and fungi. He pretty much nailed that one.
Blog
Christ. Blog is such an overly fanciful word. Only because it describes what I am doing now. And what the annoying stay at home mom across the street is doing. And most twelve year olds. I hate that the outlet for my brilliance is described in the same way as the writings of Lisa’s two cats or Bob’s internal struggle with coming out of the closet. Someone needs to come up with a new word so that I can move on.
Git r done
Without question, the worst phrase ever uttered, right after “The stripper you knocked up is talking to your wife about the venereal disease she gave you.”
Skully's - 80's night
Here is a clip from a local magazine called Columbus Alive! They did a story on Skully's Ladies' 80's night and it included a photo of Meshell and Jamie.
Now you can see why we go.
Napkin Bet
Conny was in town for a few days and we had a few drinks at Byrne's Pub.
During our conversation, he suggested that Ohio State was going to get beat by 14 points in the Championship Game.
So we each bet. Ten bucks if each person's team wins outright. Twenty if the team wins by 14 points.
We drew it up on a napkin. Looks like a logic problem. I like our signatures though.
Videos?
I just realized that I can post videos to my site.
Do you have a video you want posted? Do you have a video that someone else does not want posted? Lemmie know! holyjuan@gmail.com
I have an audience to maintain so keep it somewhere between PG13 and Patton Oswald.
Do you have a video you want posted? Do you have a video that someone else does not want posted? Lemmie know! holyjuan@gmail.com
I have an audience to maintain so keep it somewhere between PG13 and Patton Oswald.
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