My Top 10 (plus) Movies

I like movies. I have, as most of you do, a Top 10 list of favorite movies. The best part of a Top 10 List of Movies is making it and I had a lot of fun. Here they are:

HolyJuan's Top 10 Movies (In no particular order except #1)

Royal Tennenbaums
Fight Club
Princess Bride
Matrix
Die Hard
Big Fish
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Terminator 2
Aliens
12 Monkeys

While making the Top 10 List, I realized that there were too many good movies so I created a back-up list in case any of the original Top 10 fell out of favor. They are the Supplementary Top 10 List:

Gallipoli
Alien
Blade Runner
Leon
Brazil
Time Bandits
Vision Quest
Adventures of Baron Muncheusen
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Terminator

While creating the Top 10 and Top 10: The Sequel list, I also started creating the WORST FUCKING MOVIES EVER. They are in no particular order except that they all suck balls:

Matrix 2
Matrix 3
Highlander 2
Indiana Jones 4
The Postman
Battlefield Earth
Batman and Robin
Indiana Jones 5
Indiana Jones 6
Indiana Jones 8

(I assume Indiana Jones 7 will actually be good after Lucas dies from having a pile of money fall on him before he can fuck up the script.)

Ten things not to say to your IT guy

I'm not an IT person (you know, the desktop support guy, system admin or the computer dude,) but I have hired them, had them fix my mistakes and had them look dumbfounded at me on several occasions. From my experience, and what I've gleaned from our terse interactions, I've put together this list of things you should not say to them.

1.You're a chick?
Just from the title of this list alone, I'm in deep shit. Not all IT people are guys. When an IT chick shows up, don't mention it because she's heard it hundreds of times already. Just let her fix your mistakes and please don't ask her if she is into Manga.

2. I think I fixed it.
IT people don't care that you fucked something up. It's bound to happen. What they don't like is when you attempt to fix it after you tell them there is a problem. Especially if it is hardware related and they've dragged their ass all the way to your desk. Just pretend like you didn't fix it and ask them if they are with the Alliance or for the Horde.

3. Are you with the Alliance or for the Horde?
It's not the assumption that a computer person might play a MMORPG. They probably do. The issue here is that you are pretending that you care enough to know and to take that first step into their imaginary world. Unless you are willing to discuss the newest patch or the most recent guild politics, you should just keep your yap shut. Besides, they probably play Guild Wars.

4. So, is this all you do all day?
Bad question. This oozes with the assumption that they don't do anything all day. And sadly, the real question should be, "What don't you do all day," and the answer to that is "I don't get important stuff done because I'm spending my time re-installing Windows on your computer for the third time."

5. Can I bring my lap top in from home?
No.

6. Would you like to go on a date?
Office relationships never work out. It screws up your and your co-worker's production. When you inter-office date an IT person, it throws off the whole business. IT people need to be surly to get their jobs done. If they are happy, I'm not sure what would happen to the network. The only case of when dating the IT person will work is if you dump them and completely break their heart. Then the company is secure for months as they brood and work for 18 hours a day. If you only half break their heart, you are in "Say Anything" territory and nothing is creepier than an IT guy standing in your driveway with a laptop over his head playing an MP3 of "In Your Eyes."

7. Don't you think case mods are gay?
They are gay, but IT people need a creative outlet. Just say that you saw an interesting case that was a 1:73 scale model of the Farscape, Peacekeeper Pantak Class Vigilante.
When they stare at you for a moment and don't say anything, hold up this list and they will understand.

8. Bet you've seen some great photos and videos while digging through people's computers.
Yes they have, but not because they were nosing around like you are suggesting. Having a 120GB movie slowing things up requires investigation. So does any collection of 1,500 photos with the words wife, anal, teen or spycam in the filename. So, yes, they are digging through your photos and videos, but dammit, it's for the good of the company.

9. Did you see the Matrix?
Of course, asshole. Everybody did.

10. Do you have a blog?
Yes, they have a blog. But it's probably a pretty well laid out, informative page instead of this cookie-cutter crap. They probably talk about everything but work, though they might bring up you on occasion and how you almost broke their heart and that their mood is sad and they are listening to the "Say Anything" soundtrack.

Fake Dispatch

Fake Dispatch is a semi-irregular posting of all the fake news that Twitter has to offer. If you are tired of the real news posting fake news, then come to the Fake Dispatch to get your fill of the fake news posting fake news. I’m not going to lie to you: I’m going to lie to you.

If I send you a DM with "Thinking of you" in it, it means my Tweet was based on something you said.

If you are mentioned as a cub reporter, it is my way or RTing something you said.

I should have badges for this, but I don't.  I am pretty lazy.


Follow me at @Fake_Dispatch on Twitter!

@Fake_Dispatch… pissing off mostly everyone, one fake headline at a time.

You can contact me at FakeDispatch@gmail.com. I do not have a lawyer so you cannot sue me.

(@Fake_Dispatch is HolyJuan and HolyJuan is unapologetic.)


How to answer a child’s questions about death

Right after sex and neoconservatism, death is one of the most difficult matters to explain to a child. Here are some questions you may get and some sample answers in reference to a dead Uncle Bob. Remember, the answers you give may be different, so do not read these word for word to the child unless your dead person is also Uncle Bob.

1. Where’s Uncle Bob?
Uncle Bob is dead.

2. What is dead?
Dead is when you stop breathing.

3. I can hold my breath.
That is not a question, but I’ll answer it anyways. If you were to hold your breath for a long time you would die. Just like Uncle Bob.

4. Is Uncle Bob being punished by God?
No. Uncle Bob did not believe in God. Too bad for Bob, because God believed in him. So now Bob is in hell with the devil and eternal fires.

5. Why is Bob in that box?
Bob is in that plain box because he could not afford the metal one with the stainless steel. Bob was a bad planner and spent his money on booze and women. Daddy wishes he could have the plain box.

6. No, why is he in that box and not moving?

He’s dead. I thought we covered that in #1.

7. No, why is he out so we can see him?
Uncle Bob is being displayed so that people can say their last good-byes. In a little while, they will shut the box and bury the box in the ground.

8. Why do we put people in the ground?
Dead people can come back as zombies and it is best to lock them up and stick them as far as possible under the earth. Remember, only a head shot can take out a zombie. Don’t try to light them on fire. You can also hit them with a guitar.

9. Mom said Uncle Bob was going to be cremated.
Oh shit. You are right. He’ll get stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, then they give us a handful of ashes, which we can pretend are his.

10. Was that last line a complete rip off from the Monty Python “Undertaker” sketch?
Yes. Your Uncle Bob loved Python. And scotch.

11. What are all these rocks with the writing on them?
Those are called tombstones. They are overpriced chunks of marble so that we can remember that we outlived Uncle Bob. You’ll note that Uncle Bob’s tombstone looks like everyone else’s and we are bound to spend countless hours searching around for it so that your mother can swap out the flowers.

12. Why is everyone crying?
Uncle Bob owed a lot of people a lot of money. This funeral ain’t cheap either.

13. You didn’t like Uncle Bob, did you?
It’s not polite to say bad things about the dead.

14. Will I die?
Someday, yes. But not for a long time. You’ll spend years of your life, trudging and plodding and scraping by. You’ll get married and have kids and retire. Then one day you'll ask yourself "why?" Then you'll impatiently wait for death to come to your doorstep.

15. Which is harder to explain: death, sex or neoconservatism?
Sex, then neoconservatism and then death. In that order.

16. Why do people have to die?
People have to die so that the cigarette companies can make more money. At least that's what I read somewhere.

17. Did Bonkers die?
No, Bonkers ran away. And let's stick with the Uncle Bob theme.

18. What if Uncle Bob wakes up and he is under ground?
Good question. Uncle Bob is really, really dead. But just in case, all bodies are buried with a cell phone and five free minutes. I hope this cemetery isn't outside of our calling area.

19. Are you going to try to stretch this out to an even twenty questions?
No.

How to Write an Obituary for a Child

While I am usually irreverent, rude and cynical, I think I can help in putting together words that celebrate a child's life. I assume you are a parent writing this, but it could also be a relative or a close friend. I will keep it open for all. I don’t really know how to write an obituary, let alone how to write one for a child that has passed. But I know what I would write and how I would share the passing of a child.

A child’s death means so little time on Earth. Talk about the time you had with the child. A day. A month. A year. Two. Five. Ten years. About how the child made you smile or laugh. That time was too short, but family and friends should reflect about the loved ones in their life and make sure you let them know that you care for them.

A child’s death is about the loss of potential. That child had so much to live for and so many things they were going to do. Tell others they should take that unused potential to heart. They should think about what they have not done with their life and live it in the memory of the child. Do one thing and silently donate it to the memory of the child.

Talk about how the child looked. When they moved and jumped or picked flowers or looked out a window or looked you in the eyes. But especially how they were so peaceful as they slept. That nothing could touch them. Keep that memory of peace in your mind. Make sure they keep one of those memories alive.

And lastly, let people know that you will be thinking of the child every day for the rest of your life and that it would do nothing but make you happy if they mentioned the child from time to time. They are sad for you and do not want to hurt you. Explain that by sharing memories that you keep the child’s spirit alive.

So here is my example in which I will write about a fictitious child named Clayton.

Clayton passed on March 1, 20XX at the all too young age of four. We miss him greatly and our hearts are broken. Four years was not enough time for Clayton to share all the love in his heart. While his time was short, yours is still on going. Recognize this and share your love with others. Clayton had so many things he was going to accomplish. Every day he wanted to follow his sister to school. He could not wait to go and learn. Take part of Clayton’s potential with you and do something for him whether it be something small or something AMAZING. Do something for Clayton. In my mind I see Clayton digging in the sandbox and looking up every so often to see if I was looking at him. And then he would smile. I want you to remember him like this. Curious and aware. Smiling. There will never be a day that goes by that I do not think of my son. If you see me, sharing a memory will only help to remind me that Clayton’s memory lives on. Don’t be afraid to mention that you are thinking of Clayton, too. He had that effect on everyone. We miss you Clayton, with all our hearts, and you will never be forgotten.


I hope this helps.

Here is a link to some other stuff that people find important:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2120526_write-obituary-child.html

New and Improved... Egg?

This kind of weirds me out a bit. First off, it worries me when something like chicken eggs that have been around for a few thousand years are all of a sudden, "NEW!"


I also wonder what they are feeding the chickens to get them to produce eggs that have 5x as much Vitamin D. I assume that it is healthy, organic mushrooms which are naturally high in Vitamin D. Or they could be feeding them chicken which is also high in Vitamin D. I think I've got it:



The farmer takes five chickens and puts them in a pen. Over time, the chickens battle it out and eat each other. Once there is only one chicken left, it means that it has eaten all the other chickens (or chicken that ate the other chickens) and thus will have 5x the amount of Vitamin D in its system.

I like it. It's kind of like the Highlander of eggs. There can be only one.

Nom

I am sad because one of the happiest things on the internet has stolen something from me.

Nom. You’ve read it, seen it in cartoons and on posters of cute animals eating. Usually it’s repeated a few times: nom nom nom nom.


(photo via lolpix.com)

You can’t throw an everything bagel on Twitter without hitting it two or three times.



But for years, Nom has meant something else to me and what seems like too few others.

In Stephen R Donaldson’s book “The One Tree,” a creature called a sandgorgon is introduced. Sandgorgons are creatures of unending rage. They are built for destruction and are fueled by eons of frenzied anger. Trapped in mystic, desert prison, sandgorgons can only be released from their confinement if they are summoned by someone calling their name. Once summoned, they must kill the person who said their name. This is witnessed when a warrior character is forced to say the name of a sandgorgon and then is pummeled to death. Once the summoner is killed, the sandgorgon is pulled back into its prison.

Later, in a move most tremendous, the main character who is stuck in a prison cell deep in the heart of a fortress, summons a sandgorgon with the name he heard earlier. The sandgorgon batters his way through the walls to confront the one who summoned him. A battle rages and our hero, using wild magic, is able to defeat the sandgorgon without killing him. The sandgorgon realizes that he is now free and bows to our hero with respect.

This sandgorgon’s name is Nom.

When the hero Thomas Covenant said that name, I got chills. It was so unexpected and brilliant. And now... it's been wasted. Nom nom nom.

The only good feeling I get when seeing people say “nom nom nom” is thinking about them being pulverized to squishy muck by a raging creature that disappears back into the nothing once the deed is done.

Delicious Urinal Mat

We recently got new urinal mats in the men's bathrooms at work. For the ladies who are unaware, urinal mats are flat, little plastic mats that sit in the bottom of the urinal to help prevent splashing, both from the flushing water and from guys with high pressure. I assume they also help to keep half eaten sub sandwiches and cigarettes from being flushed down as well. Sometimes there are urinal cakes that sit atop the mats. They help to hide the smell of asparagus and 6 hour old, processed beer.

Our company upped the ante recently and invested in urinal mats that are embedded with some kind of addictive, sweet smelling perfume. I actually really like this smell. I find myself going pee 8 - 10 times more a day than normal so that I can spend a few intoxicating minutes with this smell.

On top of it all, the urinal mat has a very pretty orange transparent color to it. I almost feel sad peeing on top of it. It almost looks and smells... edible. That's right. EDIBLE.

I assumed that everyone else in the office felt the same about the urinal mat, so I decided to post a warning to keep everyone from attempting to take a bite out of the mat.

THE URINAL


THE DELICIOUS LOOKING MAT


THE WARNING







































Sadly, my warning failed. Here is a photo of the mat from this morning:


I hope they put the poison control number on speed dial before diving in.

Ten Reasons Why I am a Better Parent Than You

1. Our kids do not have and will never have access to television in their rooms

2. Our kids do not have and will never have access to video games in their rooms at bedtime.

3. Our kids are only allowed to drink beers from local breweries and not corporate, factory beers.

4. We eat dinner as a family.

5. Our children were taught at an early age how to clean their needles and how to rotate their hidden injection sites to prevent collapsed veins.

6. We require the kids help with house work and yard work for an hour a day.

7. The kids memorize the way out the back of restaurants or out restroom windows for a successful dine and dash.

8. The children are trained to know which cars are expensive and thus more profitable with which to fake an accident on their bike.

9. The kids switch nightly helping with the preparation of dinner.

10. Manners are required at all times. “May I be excused,” and “Please hand over the wallet.”

A Chat Between Smiley and HolyJuan

My buddy Dave and I both use a program called Steam to access games on our PCs. Part of the Steam program is an instant messaging service so that you can coordinate setting up a game or chat in game.

Dave (SMILEY) was on-line and saw that I (HOLYJUAN) had Steam up and running this morning, so he decided to chat with me. The following exchange is our conversation:

SMILEY: Yo friend!
HOLYJUAN: FUCK OFF LOSER
SMILEY: Sorry I've been MIA -everythings coming to a head with school... will be
done in 2 weeks, but in theory, I'll also have time during the day to
work
SMILEY: going out tonight, but will play later
HOLYJUAN: bull
SMILEY: BTw, love the wolf's blood in the Palin article
HOLYJUAN: sweet noe seriously get away from me
SMILEY: Greg? Get off your Dad's computer
HOLYJUAN: who the fuck do u think ur talking to... im no greg
SMILEY: Annie?
SMILEY: There was one thing missing from your Palin Rider article...
SMILEY: ANAL SEX
HOLYJUAN: im sorry but i think the doug ur looking for left my house
about a week ago
SMILEY: was that some kind of brainwashing retreat when you went to Georgia?
HOLYJUAN: i dont know what ur talking about but im his nephew and i
live in Georgia and he is no longer her
SMILEY: Please log off of his account. Sorry to bother you.

Once I got his e-mail detailing this conversation, I got into Steam and changed my password. I had logged into Steam while I was in Georgia a week ago and neglected to erase my login.

The ANAL SEX bit is a joke between Dave and I. We try to drop it into conversations when the other one isn't expecting it. Really. We're not gay.

A Trade for Idiocracy

My friends have been raving about the movie Idiocracy for years and yet I have not taken the effort to acquire it.

Erik from Erik Eats suggested I trade something for it.

If you have the movie and would like to trade me for it, let me know what you would want in trade. I will not trade for cash, but I do have some old coins!

Here are some things I have that you might be interested in trading:
DVDs
Books
A large chuck of Galena
Original HolyJuan cartoons that can be signed by the author or I can write a famous person’s name on it
Or I can let you be a guest writer or write something for you

If you are in Columbus, we can arrange a swap. Otherwise we can arrange shipping. If you live in Las Vegas, I'll come pick it up.

Let me know in the comments or at holyjuan@gmail.com.

A Page from Sarah Palin's Rider

Sarah Palin's top secret rider was recently found in a trash can outside of California State University Stanislaus. A rider is part of a contract that specifies all the demands of a client. Here is a page from that rider:

rider

Productivity

After being gone for a week, I found this little diagram in our work area:


I could be wrong, but what I think this chart is explaining is that the more that I am around, the more productivity increases... right?

Switcheroo Name

Here is how you play the game: switch the first letters of your first and last name (for me it would be Joly Haun.) The new name will fall into one of the five categories:

1. No Change
Sadly, the first letters of your first and last name are the same. No fun. Sorry Kris Kristofferson.

2. Foreign Exchange Student
Remember that kid in high school that smelled like cheese and was always staring at you? Don't be sad, there will always be the other foreign exchange student for you to take to the prom. This means you Lia Eastep and Josh Kessler.

3. Porn Star
While a very small percentage of the population falls into this category, you have made it big. Good job, Rick Dodsworth!

4. Nemesis of Conan the Barbarian
Sometimes your Switcheroo Name just sounds evil. An evil person that would want to kill Cimmerians with guttural sounds that could only be pronounced by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. I’m looking at you Greg Allender and Stephanie Kuwasaki.

5. Norse God
Your regular name is boring, but your Switcheroo Name is GODLIKE! Usually you throw a couple of vowels in the first name and you will be messing in the matters of men and lying around eating manna. This means you John Acton.

Greg and the Sitting Missile



Found this while cleaning up some folders. Still funny today.

Sad Easter Bunny is Sad


Don't be sad Easter Bunny! Jesus is going to come back real soon! You'll see!

Photo courtesy of Meshell.

Yay! Pollen!

We went to Georgia to visit our relatives this past week. Great time! Our van got a heavy coating of Georgia's famous tree sperm. Our van is usually blue, but in this photo it has a beautiful yellow-green iridescence.


This might look like snow, but it a photo of all the dust falling from the trees.


It seems other guests to the state had a similar mindset as us.