Top Five Reasons to Hate Top Five Lists

1. The number one reason to hate top five lists is when the author puts the number one item first in the list. List should always count down to the number one item to build, at least, the suggestion of suspense.

2. List creators always feel the need to include at least one photo in the list to attract readers. Lots of times, the photo has nothing to do with the list.







3. List authors tend to use their pulpit to spit out their opinion, rather than the known truth. There are several absolutes in the List universe and some of them are that Highlander 2 is the worst movie ever made, jazz sucks and Swedish Fish are the best candy in the world. When an author inserts their opinion, the list falls apart.

4. The very obvious inclusion is that author usually includes one long shot item, one that is intentionally meant to piss off the readers and get a knee jerk reaction. It usually involves scouring the internet for some obscure reference and then pretending that everyone should know it. Of course, this one is obvious.

5. The author usually has only one or two good ideas and they are forced to flesh out the list with additional bullshit items. When a list only is 5 “things” instead of 10 “things” you really know the author is stretching it out.

6. The additional bonus item. Meant to add a touch of cleverness to the list. It doesn’t work.

The xkcd version of the comic "Oh I'm a girl? That's kinda cool."



Original "Oh I'm a girl" comic here: http://i40.tinypic.com/fwh9h4.jpg

xkcd lives here: http://xkcd.com/

Regina Spektor - Us



I am mentally unstable. My two current crushes are on a cartoon character and Regina Spektor. I randomly found her while listening to Ben Folds. Love her voice. The video is fun too. I think my wife is going to leave me if I keep this up.

Ten Interesting Cell Phone Facts You Probably Didn't Know

1. The most common texted word is not a word, but rather the letter “r”.

2. Most cell phones contain about $9 of gold in the circuitry. $ .02 if you go through Cash4Gold.

3. The scientific name for phantom cell phone ring vibration is “lexdosia.”

4. 2 is the most used cell phone number for texting. 0 is the least.

5. If you think your cell phone volume is lowering over time, check the holes that cover the speaker. Most phones have almost a full ounce of ear wax and dirt build up. Soak phone overnight in warm water to ensure that the wax buildup isn’t your biggest problem anymore.

6. Cell phone antennas went obsolete when the cell providers switched from an AM frequency to an FM frequency.

7. Cell phone companies spent about 4 million dollars in the 1980s to develop three additional musical notes so that each number would have its own unique sound.

8. 37% of all photos that men send via cell phone are of poop that they send to their buddies.

9. 85% of cell phone users liked their previous cell phone better.

10. Whatever you do, do not call this number: 614-429-4365.

Greg and Dad sans Dad: Jesus Floats above Hell

Greg is in Kindergarten. Watching that kid learn how to read is one of the most exhilarating experience of my life. Being there as he starts to "get it" and realizing that he'll be smarter than me in less than three years is wild.

Then he brings this home (a few months ago) and completely freaks me out:


Upon looking at the drawing, you can see Jesus prostrate, floating above the fires of Hell. And he's got a smile on his face. Underneath all that is some text in Greg's handwriting. At first glance the words seem to sound out, "Pay By the Fire." This is a technique in Kindergarten they call "inventive spelling." They let the students write sentences, sounding out the words and writing how they think they should be spelled. As backwards as that sounds, it seems like it has been working.

As for Greg and this drawing, we spent $12,000 on therapy and $25,000 on an exorcist. Finally we asked Greg what the drawing was about and he said that he liked playing soccer by the fire. "Play by the fire?" Yes, play by the fire. Now we are spending $300 at the local OU branch campus to teach the boy perspective drawing.

Other Mother Crush Continues

I went and saw Coraline for the 27th time tonight. The theater had me escorted out between my 3rd and 4th viewing when I bought a large tub of popcorn, dumped it out and filled it with butter flavored oil. I guess it wasn't the oil that bothered them, but when I requested a hole saw and a rubbermaid glove, they freaked out.

Here is an obviously stolen photo of other mother.


I'm gonna buy Miss Sally the chicken oven mitt for her birthday, but it will really be a gift for me.

I am my Uncle

My father's side of the family is a bit of a mystery. I wish I knew more about them.

I do remember my father speaking of his brother and that he was an author. To use my father's words, my uncle wrote smut. I was always curious what that meant. Was it that he wrote with foul language or that the subject material was dirty or immoral?

Either way, I think I have become my uncle.

Very sad, very real dream

Stop reading this now. It will depress you. Unless you like to be depressed, then read on.

I had a dream last night of such sadness that I fear to write it down in case this causes me to repeat it. Of course, writing things down tends to wring thoughts out of my brain, so maybe I will forget.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

The dream started like this: Greg and I are at home, getting ready to head out for school. Miss Sally has all ready left for the day with Ann. They are at her work.

In the living room, we put our jackets on and head to the front door. We never go out the front door, but I guess I needed to see that it went pitch black dark and all the stars had come out.

In a moment I knew that the sun had gone dark. Greg thought it was cool. I did not.

Inside we turned the TV on and the reporters were in a panic. The sun was dark and everyone was going to die very soon. The phones still worked and Miss Sally called to say that she was going to try and make it home. Greg asked if it was a stay at home day.

On the TV, time seemed to fast forward and the reporter had calmed down. It would be getting very cold soon and most services would be going out. He suggested that we gather together with our loved ones and wait to die.

Miss Sally had not come home before I woke up.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

0 - 1 - 3 - 1 - 0 Theory

The 0, 1, 3, 1, 0 Theory fits for most guys. It’s a chart that traces the lifecycle of a guy’s dating gradient by counting the number of girls in his life. If you are a dude, you are somewhere on this chart. Where you are and how long you stay there makes you a stud or whatever the opposite of a stud is.

0 Girls– This is where all guys start out and where many find themselves most of the time. No girls in their life. None interested. No secret admirers. No play. Zip.

1 Girl- Somehow, you find a girl and for some unknown reason, she likes you. You begin to hang out. Life is good. For some guys (Amish) this is where the buggy stops. You meet one girl and that’s it for the rest of your life. For the rest of us, read on.

3 Girls- It is my belief that most girls cannot like a guy because they like him. Girls like a guy because other girls like him. When some dude gets a girl, other girls notice immediately and start to move in on him. The #1 girl could be living in Paraguay, but the hopeful #2 and #3 can smell it on the dude that he’s got someone who likes him. It’s the guys that can spend their life at this stage, balancing more than one woman in their life that impress me. 3 girls can actually be 4 or 5, as long as the guy can juggle them. For the rest of us, this stage is a very short lived one.

1 Girl- You commit and you are back down to one girl in your life. For some reason, guys, who are built to have sex with as many women as possible, want to whittle it down to just one. Maybe it’s because guys get weary of all the great sex. Or maybe it’s because guys get tired of listening about how #1 ,#2 and #3’s day went and how was yours and lets stay in tonight and watch “The Burning Bed.” Or it’s because of Love. I don't know. All I know is you call up or text the #2 and #3 girls and tell them that you've made a difficult choice and if it is OK to have sex one last time CLICK.

0 Girls- She dumped your ass. Listen to Disintegration by The Cure in your bedroom for a few nights straight or get really drunk and puke in a potted flower at the nudie bar. Get over it because you are going to be at this stage for a while. #2 girl and #3 girl are not returning your texts and rejecting your calls. Girls can smell desperation and they don’t like it. (On the flip side, guys can smell desperation and they like to have sex with it.)

So that’s it. The cycle begins again. 0-1-3-1-0. There are variations: the 0-1-2-1-0. The 0-1-0. My personal favorite is the Hefner: 0-1-2,245.

Me? I’m at the second 1. I’ve been trying to talk the wife into the 0-1-3-1-2-1-2-1-2-1, but she’s not interested.

The girl chart is simple. A girl can be at both 0 and 9 at the same time. She can be at 1 at breakfast and 4 by brunch. For some reason, millions of dollars are spent each year with girls trying to find the right 1. Little do they know their own power. Luckily, no chicks read my site and our secret is safe guys.

My Boss is Smarter than Me

I filled out a vacation form at work and turned it into my boss. He was well aware of my intentions to go out tonight and edited the form accordingly.

HolyJuan's How To: Make coffee at work

We have free coffee at work. While I appreciate the sentiment, the instant coffee concentrate mixed with tepid water doesn't quite cut it. Luckily, Erik told me about a simple plastic device that will brew a single cup of coffee without the need for a large machine that would probably start a fire when I forget to turn it off.


Here's what you will need:

-individual coffee filter holder plastic funnel thingy
-no. 2 coffee filter (unbleached)
-coffee
-coffee cup (huge size)
-cold water and a time machine or hot water
-level
-Tupperware container

Insert filter into filter holder. It will never exactly conform to the holder so just live with it.


Fill filter with coffee. Use the amount as instructed on the side of the can:
IMG_6172 (Large)

Then add three times that amount:
IMG_6173 (Large)

I like a huge cup of coffee and as you can see the filter holder is too small to fit over the rim of the cup.
IMG_6175 (Large)

I'm noticing that the cup is dirty from my previous cup of coffee I drank last week. Let me take that to the photoshop sink and wash it out:
IMG_6175-clean

Take the level and put it over the huge cup. Because the level is unlevel, you'll need to set the opposite end on the empty Tupperware container.
IMG_6176 (Large)

Set your filter, filled with coffee grounds, on the level over the huge coffee cup:
IMG_6177 (Large)

Go back in time four minutes and boil a large cup of water in the microwave for four minutes. Ensure you use Styrofoam to boil your water as the fluorocarbons give the coffee a nice cancery flavor.
IMG_6174 (Large)

Pour the hot water into the filter and make sure it goes though the hole in the level and into the cup. Now is about the time you find out if your level has a hole in it or not.
IMG_6178 (Large)

Mine has a hole in it and the cup below is filling up:
IMG_6179 (Large)

Oh shit! GO back in time again and make sure your cup is big enough to hold all the hot water you just dumped in the filter holder. *BZAP* I'm back and my cup is big enough. You might not be able to dump all the hot water in the filter at once so be patient and watch how the hot water and coffee grounds interact. What images to you see in the grounds? A wave? A woman's face? THE DEVIL?
IMG_6180 (Large)

Relax...Enjoy!
IMG_6181 (Large)

Funny comments from my Jesus Fish article

Awhile back ago, I wrote about Avoiding the Jesus Fish. My personal opinion is that people who advertise with a Jesus Fish are two bit scammers, working on the hearts, rather than the minds of consumers. Maybe a good advertising ploy, but I assume Jesus would frown upon it.

It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!

Doug said...

See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.

But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal

Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.

Good day friend!


Anonymous said...

While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.

Doug said...

NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.

You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.

You sicken me.

Anonymous said...

Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.

The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."

The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.

I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.

I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.


Doug said...

Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.

Anonymous said...

Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!

Doug said...

Thanks for playing.

Reddit Twitter Fail



Not a complete fail, but a funny coincidence.

All paper products removed from bathroom prank

Some signs were recently posted in the bathrooms at work outlining some additional resource saving measures:

SIGN POSTED AT URINAL



A COPY OF THE SIGN


You know that someday, it will come down to something similar (like the three shells in the bathrooms from Demolition Man.)

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

One of my favorite Australian actress/models is feeling the torment of wanting the ever so desirable imperfect love in this take what you can get world. See if you can give her some advice.

HolyJuan's First and Only Ever Caption Contest

Please enter your caption for the following photo in the comments section below. The winner gets a free HolyJuan framed business card. Good luck!

Tweet-Up Chivalry

We had a Tweet-up in downtown Columbus at COSI a few weeks ago. A Tweet-up is basically a social gathering of networking internet folk who use Twitter. It was fun to meet people in real life and I got to crack wise and make an ass out of myself.

As the night was wrapping up, I had the opportunity to chat with Erie who works in the Ohio Attorney General's office. She was very cool and I wanted to make sure that I had her name so that I could follow her on Twitter. I had my camera and went to take a photo of her nametag. I realized that I was about to get a picture of her womanly front part protrusion and, giving into modesty, visually blocked her female, chest area protuberance with my hand.



I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now that I look at the photo, I must assume that she thinks I am a complete idiot.

But you have got to give it to me that I didn't say boob once in this entire article.

You can follow me on Twitter at @holyjuan.

William Shatner and family visit COSI

William Shatner visited the Columbus, Ohio's Center of Science and Industry in 1972 with his children and soon to be wife, Marcy Lafferty.

If you look closely, you can see Picard looking over his shoulder.

And you can look at the squares and squares t-shirt here.

My Secret Crush

I have a crush on Other Mother from the movie Coraline.

Photo courtesy of Randi Mason on Flickr.

I know she is evil. I know she is horrible. I know she is deadly.

But it's just a crush.

Now to see if I can't get Miss Sally to buy Clairol Haircolor #70 Black Stilettos - Bright Black. Hubba hubba.

Cuil

This is a Cuil.

Chops meets Jerry

Michelle had her first run in with celebrity (second if you count me) this past weekend. You can read about it on her website Subway Seat for 3.


I am personally against bothering celebs, but I'm sure Jerry didn't mind the warm, generous touch of the Chop.

Greg Eats: Lemon Head - The Face Puckering Memory of Taste

Sadly, Erik was killed during the last Erik Eats segment, so now I'm being forced to use my son as food taste bait. Today on Greg Eats - Lemon Heads!


This type of Lemon Head is the individually wrapped, gumball sized version. Packed with Sourifiticky.


Not exactly round, but when you are filled with such delicious sour essence, it tries to force itself out of its round cage.


He pops it in his mouth. Maybe it's not so bad...


ARGH! IT'S SOUR!!


He's starting to get used to it...


ANOTHER WAVE OF SOUR HITS!!


The sour has overcome him!


He's down, but not out. His conclusion? Lemon Heads are AWESOME!

Ohio

Ohio is all about waiting: waiting for the first snow and then waiting for it to go away. Waiting for the first hint of spring and then waiting for it to stop raining. Waiting for school to be out and vacation. Waiting for football season. Waiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Waiting for the ball to drop and waiting to wait. But I like it.

Ohio has four distinct seasons. In between each of those seasons are two perfect days. You almost don’t notice them because they are so pleasant. You have to look over your shoulder to realize they were there. I look out for them and I wait.

Most people who move to Ohio become acclimated pretty quickly. They might miss their brand of coffee or their bakery or deli. But they fall into line and march in step with the rest of us. People that leave Ohio never really do. You carry the Midwest in your back pocket along with your manners and self esteem. You can see them in the subway making eye contact and you can hear them in line at the grocery saying, “Thanks!”

I don’t think I’m leaving here anytime soon. More than likely, you’ll be coming here. We’ll show you around and buy you a cup of so-so coffee. You’ll find yourself wishing you had brought your jacket to the high school football game, but not needing it by the end of the night. You’ll find people waving at you for no reason and realize it was because you waved first. You’ll put down mulch and actually fertilize the roses. You’ll notice that the second lowest branch on the tree would be perfect for a swing and in fact there are two parallel scars in the bark where someone had that same idea fifteen years ago.

Ohio’s not perfect, but it’s good. And that’s perfect.

Police Called in on Search after Facebook Friend Goes Missing

COLUMBUS- Columbus Police were called into to assist with finding a woman reported missing early Friday afternoon from a local man’s Facebook page. Currently the police have no leads.

Luke Lester called police after he realized the woman was missing from his friends list. “I had recently found a girl from my high school and “added” her to my friends. I was in the process of sending her a drink and a link to my blog and she was gone.” Lester had found the girl using a tool on the site that helps locate people you might know. His request was accepted and he began endlessly commenting on her status and plying her with virtual drinks. “We were getting along great right before she disappeared. I hadn’t actually spoken with her, but she was accepting my virtual plants and invitation to guess what 80’s rock band she was. I was just about to send her a margarita because I saw her wearing a Hawaiian shirt in one of her photos.” Lester was unable to find her in his list of friends and after searching on his own for a few minutes, decided he should call for help. “It was like she was deleted from my life.”

Police report that the search has been difficult because Lester seems to be blocked from looking at the woman’s profile. “It’s almost like she trying to stay missing.”

Ten Things About Sesame Street You Probably Didn't Know

1. Sesame Street could not find sponsors for their very first show. So instead of names, they put “Sponsored by A” and ”Sponsored by B” as placeholders in the credits. It was read on air and, besides making the second sponsor a number, has stuck ever since.

2. Snuffleupagus is controlled by only one puppeteer. Big bird is controlled by two, one on top the other’s shoulders.

3. The pilot for Sesame Street was shot in black and white. Reviewers were concerned that Oscar the Grouch looked black and producers ensured that he was green when the show switched to color.

4. Every episode has someone/something counting from 1 to 10, reciting the entire alphabet and at least one person says "bird".

5. All the puppets, except for Oscar the Grouch, are individually made for each show and disposed of after shooting. Oscar is made out of shag carpet which is much more durable.

6. Sesame Street is a real neighborhood located in New York. The crew must wait until after 10:00am on sunny days to block off the street, sweep the clouds away and begin shooting. Rumors that homeless people are forcibly relocated to another neighborhood in what has come to be known as the "Sesame Trail of Tears" have not been substantiated.

7. Kermit the frog and several other characters walked off the show in the middle of a shoot to start their own variety show on another network.

8. Mr. Hooper did not die as previously thought. Failed contract negotiations forced him off the show, and when he saw the episode of himself dying, he died two days later. Subsequent to his death, Mr. Hooper's corpse appeared on Sesame Street six more times.

9. Maria and Luis have fixed three toasters in their fix-it shop, though many people swear it is more. Over the course of the show's run, parts from 14 stolen cars have been recovered from the shop, but Maria and Luis have denied any knowledge of how they came to be found there.

10. Sesame Street was the first show on television to show an interracial married couple. The birth of their non-mixed-race child led to an eventual separation.

25 Random Things About Me Help

You may be familiar with the Facebook / e-mail going around that asks for you to list 25 random things about yourself that people might not know. This item is very popular, but many people have not completed the list because they can only think of 22 or 23 things about themselves. If you find yourself in this predicament, feel free to use one of the following to top off your list.

- Ate 34 White Castles at one sitting and subsequently did not date for three years.
- Loved the Marathon Bar (with the ruler on the back) and still have a ½ eaten one under my bed
- Killed a man in a fight, but we made up afterwards
- I’ve eaten bear, rabbit, turtle and something that might have been tofu.
- I have never failed a lie detector test.
- I was kicked out of the Secret Service for having sex with a chicken.
- Three time Mid-Ohio AA Checkers Champion (freestyle)
- Like oatmeal, hate porridge, no comment on grits
- Lost my virginity for the thirteenth time at the new B-Hamptons on the stamped metal dance floor
- Made my bed once back in 1994 and haven’t looked back.
- Brew my own Schlitz Malt Liquor
- I can beat you at 80’dance and 90’s glam
- Favorite board game - Sorry; favorite thing to say after sex – Sorry
- Need the Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, Burger King Glass Goblet to complete the set
- Own two reversible bras
- I’m afraid of drive-thrus
- I count my printer paper to ensure all 500 sheets are there. Once I found an extra sheet and sent it back to the company.
- Can’t figure out how to load music on my iPod, so I walk around pretending like I listen to music
- Recently learned that the cardboard tube is NOT the last sheet of toilet paper.
- I drive like I own a standard, but only have an automatic. The guys at car repair shop know my credit card number by heart.
- I have had an erection for the past 18 years.
- I have never met a man I could best in nude, hands tied behind your back wrestling.
- I have an irrational fear of fractions
- I think white out is racist
- My glass is half full. Then shits starts to evaporate and I get pessimistic.
- I can’t forget.

Goodbye Zima

By now you have probably figured out that I am very, very fem. If you didn't recognize that through the haze of manliness that I exude, listen to this:

I like Zima. I like Zima and I like to put fruit in Zima. I like Zima because it tastes fruity and sparkley and I'm sure that when unicorns cry, they cry Zima tears.

I recently cried when I found out that the unicorns had ceased to produce tears and therefore Zima had halted production. My sister also loves Zima so I called her immediately. The phone didn't even ring once because she had picked it up right as I dialed the last number, feeling a ripple in the force. She asked me, "Did someone in the family die?" I said, "No, it's worse," and I told her and she didn't say anything for a little bit before hanging up.

The next day Amy must have gone around punching and stabbing unicorns because she sent me this photo:


She had traveled in the four state region, collecting Zima from High School parties and under the beds of shamed fraternity brothers. Her collection is not large and someday she will drink the Last Zima. I hope I am there to witness.